mental health

I see it now. The struggle during the holidays. All the insanity of let's go here or there. Or this dinner or that. I went to no dinners. No parties. No shopping. I did nothing an I only got gifts for my kid. I spent so much of time buying stuff for others an going broke like why bother. These people want to be in my life than appreciate me as is.

But aftermath of knowing I spent so much money on my kid. So much to help him have clothes an toys. An realizing a week before the end of year that I'm like what have I done.

Reality is we all had this extra money an yet none of us have it now. An what good did it do? I have so many bills to pay. An the constant need to make my kid happy is bad. 

I feel a bit overwhelmed. An my relationships. Are none existent. An I am realizing more and more I've gotten nothing out of my relationships with anyone. But everyone who is with me has gotten everything. My blood sweat an tears. My emptied accounts 

An I'm crying at the idea of not being able to feed myself this week. But no one knows that because it's not for people to know but it's a reality of how I'm living 

I cant even understand why. What am I doing. An then it adds up. Buying this or that for this or that or sending money for this person or that. An realizing I'm leaving nothing for myself. An when i need the help it's not returned. 

But everyone can take everything from me 

It makes me lose my sanity. It makes me want to cut. Something I've had urges to do. I'm trying so hard not to give into it. But I'm getting hurt. I'm getting hurt by others an they don't see that. Or they choose not to see that. An I'm drowning in that. 

I keep thinking to myself I wish I didn't come back. I know I'm selfish for these thoughts but it's so hard to survive. It's so hard to live. It's hard to need. Want. Desire. An to provide not just for myself but for my kid too. An not have the necessary finances because his selfish mother lied to the government an said this kid was not with me. But I've given court papers that say he has been with me forever. So why are they taking shit from me.

Ugh the list goes on..

I'm drowning and I'm struggling. 

I watched a movie. Based on true story about those teenagers who got stuck in the caves. An how they survived for 18 days. An they did by remaining calm. By praying. An meditation. An I'm like I feel like I couldn't do it 

So much bs in my life. My friend told me recently that because of thr icd. Not only will I never scuba dive. I'll likely never jump off a plane or bridge because of the device in my chest. I had a bucket list. A thing I was working towards an now those ideas are gone. An I have to readjust because of some unknown be heart thing. I feel like I'm a hermit now. Because not just these little things. 

So much.. .

i can't keep thinking about it. As I'm getting more upset. I need to runaway. Stop paying all my bills an rent. Just spend money on myself lol

I wish...I would love to go into the next year with some security for my finances or whatever. 

But it feels like no matter what I do. My finances are a serious problem. Idk how to survive...

I tried to bring lunches to work. I tried to have gift cards for any other needs. An yet... I'm going into this with hunger. I don't have enough snacks or food. 

I'm just feeling helpless. An if I tried to get help for it. Idk. I honestly am not buying things I can't afford you know. I'm not eating at restaurants..or buying taxis or ubers or fast food. 

I'm just not sure how I'm so broke all the time. 

injection

I feel like as it's raining in my life. Surviving these days have been hard. An now even though I have no idea what happened or why it happened. I'm back to focusing on my car crash injuries as I'm struggling with chronic pain. But I also can't help but think of Christmas. Think of my anniversary with my distant partner. Think about all the things I've lost in my life. 

I say how happy I am without my family but it's not that but the fake pieces of that family. The people who only want to bring me down. Reminding me where I've come from an who I was. Or how I've failed at being a sister. A protector. Or how I brought this darkness in our lives. An of course how I planned to steal this kid I've had for five years as if I wanted this life. 

Believe me. I look back at my life.. I've spent so much of my life not having a kid. I thought about the way I was brought up. What I was brought up into an I didn't want to carry that on. I didn't wanna continue with the broken generational trauma. I knew this at a young age let alone that I just knew it wasn't for me. 

An yet five years ago my life changed... an in the snap of my fingers I rearranged my life. An quit my dream job to care for this kid. An I spent the following years building myself up to ensure to give him a good stable home. Full of love. An full of dreams 

I am terrified everyday... I dont wanna screw this boy up. But I'm sure I will. An if not me. Then it would be the truth of his parents. 

I recently talked to someone an my continous question to his biological mother. Is she enjoying her life. 

As that was what she was supposed to be doing within those 3 months of me temporarily having him. 

An instead her life blew up and yes I stepped back because I couldn't support her an care for her kid an make a living. An I tried to stay in touch until she spouted some bs about this being my plan all along to steal her kid. 

Having him forever wasn't my plan. 

I dont feel ok. I don't feel strong enough to have a kid. I am fucked up in all my own ways including my own demons to fight with. I have so many flaws I never claim to be perfect or know it all.

An In the last two years I've been thro so much pain an heartache I hardly believe I'm still standing.

And when I came back...

The only thing that I thought about was my boy. I was so desperate to be back with him. An I felt so much pain in knowing I had to leave him for 3 weeks of all the years him an I been together I never left him. An then all of a sudden my life went to 3 weeks of being gone.

So I know I'm here for him.  

My life only has meaning because of him. My heart only is full of love for him and my partner an they are my family. They are the reason I am still here.

I recently got told that I'm going to require injections... to help relieve the pain from my car accident. An people say it's worth it others say it causes more damage. But I don't know what to do. 

Alls I know. Is I'm living in pain everyday. And I want to do something to relieve that. Because it's hard to live fully with this pain. 

I wish I could say I'm just a baby. But the person I am on the regular basis I am not this. 

surviving

It doesn't make sense... to be honest... I dont understand why I'm alive. I feel like the entire month of August was a nightmare. But then I get the reminder of my heart icd everyday 

My limitations vary in what I can and can't do. 

I'm struggling...

Simple tasks that were easy before no longer seem relevant  

I think of all these bs movies an things that talk about someone life changes as they survive shit like this. Or how their priorities change.

An here I am back to where I was. Doing the same things as before. 

I feel completely lost.

I feel like I just don't know how to get out of my head. Get out of my house. An move forward. I have built relationships with people who bail on me. People who sell me out. Or come up short. But when they need me I always answer I always respond. But when I need support help or anything I'm left behind.

Currently I wanted to talk about something. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't know who I can turn too. Because the issues are so different. So not my normal stuff. I'm scared to write it. Speak it. Acknowledge it because I could be wrong. But I could be right.

It's not very often I'm placed in situations like this one. I feel completely out of my element. Which doesn't make sense. 

I'm struggling...to speak truth. An to know where I can trust to say those things that are deeply rooted in me.

I'm also struggling to see why I'm alive.

I'm sure people who've been thro this can relate. How'd I die. An get found at the moment of death. An how did I get in an induced coma for 4 days. 

What the heck did I do.. how did it happen. An what should I be doing. Where was I. When I was in the hospital in the sense I was gone for 4 days. Imagine that. Who knows who was by my side. Who knows who came to me. How did everyone know or be there. 

I'm also grateful to those that supported my kid an were there for him.  

I just I don't know why. How. When. An idk.. it just a huge mess in my head. My heart. 

An I am feeling hurt. That my friends idk. I haven't told them much. They say just move forward but how do I do that? If I feel this way? U know. Idk.

So much crap... I still can't even be honest. But my mind Is lost. 

the past

I'm struggling with everything... my mind is always racing an I dont seem to have many people to talk too. It's weird... in the beginning of my surgery recovery I couldn't find a moment alone. An now not many people answer their phone 

My mind is racing...specifically about someone... I realize that yes I'm in a relationship with someone I love an want to spend my life with. However...  this other person.  Was someone from a time almost a different period of my life. When I was going to become someone completely different. 

My favorite about this person.. was the late nights. Talking for hours on end. An being able to call the person up an go for long walks. Or chillin at the nearest 24 hour Tim Hortons. Or laying in bed or watching TV. 

This person knew me in a different way. An altho I loves them an feel like I still love them. I don't know what I'd do if they came back into my life now. 

I was ready for the whole package when we met. An I remember the last day I saw them. I was at the bus station. An when i ran into their arms. The safe feeling the feeling of being home. Was all there. An when we went for breakfast they ordered French toast an put salt on it. 😆 

An when I went to catch my bus to go away for Christmas they said they had a dream that this was the last time they would see me.

I called an we talked everyday. I vowed all this love to them but...when I went home for Christmas....well wasn't home.  Was my family. 

My whole world erupted. An everything changed. An yes was the last time I seen them. But wasn't the last time we talked. 

Sadly...when I got back. I tried to stay good. But being back in BC was difficult to stay on the right path. So I went back to the life. An it was fun but when I talked to my special someone.  I wasn't myself. And to them I said I wouldn't sleep with anyone. An I'd wait for them to come to me here in BC..

Eventually that ended... an down a path that led me to where I am now. 

Not a day goes by where I am not grateful for that person. The warmth. The love. The safe haven. The power they had in wrapping me in their arms. I knew this was my home. 

I wish I had stayed. I wish so many things differently.

But as I see now...with my boy.   I see this is my path. The reason I'm back here.. an altho I've made every sacrifice. I have given up so much of myself for my kid. 

I gained a new path with someone i love more than life itself. An long for more than the air I breath.

There will always be a place for Ontario in my heart an soul.

That life. That past. Was so Beautiful so valuable to me. 

I want to go back. I want to share in that love an experience. 

I also want to move forward..  I want to save up an get married. An have the whole package with my partner now. An altho I'm not sure what I'd do if my past came back. I know that my future..  idk.

Isn't set in stone. 

But it is possible to love this many people. Everyone in my life knows how important Ontario was for me. 

I miss that life...I miss those walks. Those hugs. That passion. That joy. That laughter.

But I'm here planting my roots here in BC. I'm not sure why. Lol.  Because before I did it for family. But for the past couple years.  I've axed my family from my life. An it hurts but I'm also very grateful to have these strong boundaries an to respect myself to not let people bring me down tear me down.

To walk away from the people who tried to tear me down. An to build my own family my own life with it all. 

weeks later

It's now been 2 weeks since I had surgery... I feel like garbage like no idea. It's not just the physical part of me that feels damaged.. it's the mental part of me. Knowing that I'm hurt like this an unable to get myself together. 

Realizing that I was in a coma for 4 days because my body seemed like it wanted to give out. So I was forced into a coma until I guess I dealt with the trauma. 

Can you even understand what it felt like to wake up 4 days later no recollection of what had happened... an being completely alone... an unable to connect with anyone or talk to anyone. An then when I was able too.. hearing their stories of seeing me in the coma an how devastating it was for them. An leaving my kid. My job. My partner.

I was feeling like garbage beyond measure. An then spent the next what 10 or 12 days well the doctors determined what would be implanted in my chest because it ended up being my heart....

Thinking about it terrifies me.. an scares me.. the idea of this device in my chest. Knowing if it goes off in the next 6 months I'll lose my ability to drive my own damn car.

Or just in general if it goes off I don't know what it will feel like. Or if it becomes faulty or becomes broken in any way... an the damage it could do to me... the risks I'm taking. 

When I finally got around to touching base with people. I was completely grateful how many people showed up for me. An how much love an respect there was. 

But.. I still lost those 2 weeks or whatever and now I'm home.. an I love being back with my kid...

I remember the day I got home. 

You have no idea... I cannot express how heart warming it was for me to have him in my arms. An each day I've been showing him my surgery scars telling me I'm healing. An I'll get better. But it's why I can't carry him or do all the fun things we did. 

As for my relationship.. I'm lost. I keep thinking how much easier it would be for my partner if I wasn't in the picture. My partner deserves someone better.. an right now I feel like a broken puzzle. That I'm trying to put back together.. an I can't juggle this relationship but then there is also her inability to talk to me. Or be there for me. We barely talk. An some days most days were not talking at all. So what is the point. 

Then I talk to my trusted friends....who tell me my partner loves me more than life itself. That my collapse tore my partner to death to almost end her own life because she thought I was gonna die as no one knew what was going to happen to me. 

Buy that kind of power someone have over someone it can't be healthy.... right?

Love goes on. 

Life goes on...

How many times I spoke to my partner very few how many times has she shown up for me even less... 

How can this relationship work if we aren't together... 

We both are holding back. Both unwilling to live in one another lives... then why are we here. 

I dont get it... but then when I think of letting it go saying fuck it... it scares me..

Because the depth of this love Is as deep as the ocean an skies. I can't stop loving her or needing her. An she knows that an yet she still can't show up. 

Unable to be there for me..

And I consistently still hold onto hope that she will want too be here

It same goes for my closest friend who also has bailed on me. Making me think crazy things. An then I begin to lose my mind

I dont know what to think about any of my relationships. I feel like I'm in this alone..  that when I say things like I'm sad or depressed or terrified about what happened to me an that I'll eventually have to go back to work with people asking questions or some shit. I dont want to face that. An I just don't want to keep on moving forward..

.I don't know what moving forward looks like for me.. i really don't

An right now I'm barely even trying to get moving at all because I'm scared... I'm scared... 

I read about the device in my chest. So many things can go wrong. So many complications. As well as life span for this device. Who knows how much time I will have an it makes me feel idk... 

The unknown may be more known based on the device in my chest if it shorts out. Or becomes faulty in some way. 

There's so much i question an wonder about. An so much comfort I wish I could get from my partner. Or my friend. An yet I have to survive this alone. An if that is the case then why do I bother?. 

Why do I stay for any of them

I'm losing my damn mind....  

little bit closer

First time in awhile I've been contemplating life... relationships. Job.

I've given up so much for my work. I've done above all for anyone I care about. 

The last 14 days of my life... no one has really shown up I mean they have but not lately. Been begging for food or snacks. Because I've been starving..

Idk

I'm in a relationship that is like no other. One that I've been willing to give up on my everything for.i dont know. In some ways they say they love me be there for me etc .but I still wake up without any messages. Go thro the day without any kind of anything.

I don't know If I want to keep this up.  I don't know if I want to move forward an believe her when she said things would change she hasn't even changed in the 14 days I've been in hospital. 

I'm getting surgery tomorrow. No idea if It's worth it. Alls i have is the word of a doctor. An I'm scared of that because I don't know what to expect.. my life is going to change in not a good way. And I'm scared what does that mean for me..

I'm going to have to go to a life I haven't lived in forever. An I'm not sure how it's going to work. 

Idk

I'm losing my.mind and I'm scared of how it will be..and who will still be there by the end of it all 

make it to morning

I'm struggling.. had my first stress test since entering the hospital. Didn't realize how much it effects my Car accident injuries 

My shoulder trying to hold onto the treadmill and left leg being forced to carry my weight.

I only made ir 30 seconds into level 3. Because I couldn't deal with it any longer. 

The more I think of it... I'm feeling like that feeling creeping up to want to cut. Wanting to bleed. I hate the pain I can't control. I hate that I can't stop it. There aren't even enough drugs to make me feel better. 

I didn't try hard enough. I barely tried at all. I'm starting to get terrified about what I'm going thro. An unknown heart arrhythmia

I want to give up... 

Feel like a walking broken mess... 2 car accidents an now a heart arrhythmia. 

I feel like shit.. I was being driven in a wheelchair and we rode by the old man and I thought why am I doing all this I don't want to get old. 

I hate my life. It's been over a year since these accidents. An I'm still suffering and now I'm dealing a bs heart problem. 

Feel like dying in pain I really want to use drugs. I never used drugs before..but I'd love to get rid of all this pain. 

I'd also like to hurt myself to help calm myself down because I can't call anyone.

I feel like a failure. Can't make it thro anything. An I couldn't get thro all the stages. Because it hurt more than I'd like to admit. 

I'm worried. All the stress is going to leave one bad outcome of me doing something stupid..

I hate my limitations I hate my failures. I hate everyone. I'd likely better off not living on this planet but then I think of all the people that showed up for me. 

Idk why they showed up. Cause they Do lol..

Maybe my age or the fact of what I'm dealing with is why it's such a struggle

Or choosing to face it alone. Not to ask for help because I'm secretly making a plan lol

Idk

truth tug and pull

I want to get honest.. about what I feel... I'm hurting.. I dont know if my partner should love me any longer. A part of me wants her to let go.. 

We were close once or twice but in the months actually years we've been together. 

It kept up with this idea that it will get better. That they want to be with me. Fight for me. An stand by me. 

But tbh...my issue... is I'm not able to properly take care of myself in sense... my hair... lol superficial yes but it's my signature likeness.. 

I have barely left the city. Barely done anything. I want to leave..  an everyone said I should. 

Maybe I will

But I'm confused by my partner.. confused by her stuff and why she doesn't connect to me.. or have any desire to see me. 

I'm stuck in my head... thinking....all the reasons this isn't working out... 

I dont want it to end. I don't want to let go. We put so much hope in the idea of us. Future marriage. Many tattoos. Kids. Travel.

An yet in the 2 yrs.. she actually hasn't gone anywhere with me. 

Idk

I'm losing mind. 

If I take the steps to ensure she is my next of kin.. idk if she would even be there for me. I also don't know who told her i was in hospital 

Hmm m.m

I'm not trusting... because she is basically a stranger to me... but then again my bff is now doing the same thing.

I trust no one... actually I trust one person... lol she lives in Ontario and hasn't talked to me in months. Years even.  Though I've sent her pictures an emails she was the one above it all for me..

No one is ever as good enough as her. She will always matter...

My brain is racing.  Idk what the right decision may be

can't breathe

I spent the last morning. Spending time contemplating... life. Death

Years ago this was easy...I didn't have the responsibility of a kid.

You know when all those years of having a love in my life like no other

A love so beautiful . You could face anything... because of that love.. I'd love to say it's romantic love lol but it wasn't.. the first time in my life I experienced a love so beautiful. How much my life would be better just to hear from them..

But I guess we've moved on

I so want to be able to find a love similar to this but I don't feel like I have. An with what is going on maybe its too much to be with me. 

I'm needy.. because I'm fuc*ing terrified. This has been the scariest news in my life. 

Collapsing.. breathing tubee. Comas. Whatever else

And I don't have a proper plan in place..  to ensure that if or when I die. These are my wishes. These are my hopes.

I'm struggling. Tbh I want a dnr. If ever there is a chance I'll come back as less then myself. I'd rather die. But I need a plan for my kid. I need to trust someone with him. 

I'm hoping to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But I don't know whatto do. Lol

In sense what should I trust... that I'm legit for real that I want DNR. I also don't want to be buried. An I dont want a funeral or memorial lol

As lame as is... my ashes scattered in Ontario. The place where i found a different kind of other love that I never followed because of the history of all that. 

I dont wanna say it... I'm questioning EVERYTHING that is happening..  who is here. Who is not. What are my expectations.. an do I really think it will continue to work even tho I am where I am. I want to give up... I want to walk away. I want to hide...i want to come back when this bs is over. 

so close to death

I've been fighting so hard for so long to get my shit together.... I've stopped all things that could cause me pain. 

I am in a downfall.... a spiral 

Recently.... my body shut down... possibly a heart attack attack. I was intubed an put in a coma for however long. 

When I finally came too. I hardly have any memories of those times

I'm losing my mind... it's not about new chances in life because I'm angry that it turned into this..with anyone else.  There'd be a different story or whatever. 

I feel unworthy to be alive.  This is the 2nd time my heart had stopped. Or did whatever it did 

I'm angry because everyone told everyone

I'm feeling traumatized as is like I cant imagine living thro it again.or reliving it by people wanting to find out answers

You know when I first got to the hospital there was a major incident happened an over the PA and every doctor, nurse, volunteer showed up to support whatever may had been happening. 

And my friend sent me this picture of all my supporters showing up at the hospital. They weren't allowed to stay with me or be with me. But they wanted to be present. 

I'm confused..... I'm completely confused...so much insanity 

I have major trust issues. Major issues all together and if I'm not able to go back to work. I'm hoping to leave...to drive to see the one person I love an admire

We aren't the same people... we have a saddy past..but the one person who has always had my back.

Or maybe I just want to run away because everything terrified me.. and I feel completely alone

in·tu·i·tion

I feel like there is something that I'm not being told. An I feel like I'm being played for as a fool. Common space I guess

My partner has come back...but not just that but she isn't the same person. An as such. I have no idea what to be thinking. 

I thought about how to describe what I'm feeling. An its your here but your love is not. 

Idk why it bothers me so much. When I deserve to be loved. I deserve so much. But at the same time... I feel completely worthless because she's not willing to tell me what is going on.  She is keeping me in the dark. 

I can't force her to do anything.

But all my insecurities are stupid an they are flying off the handle. Like something is really wrong. An I'm not ok.

I want a life with this person. I want a future. But I want honesty. I want common ground.

I tried to be understanding an tried to be patient. I tried to make her visit beautiful. I have text messages of her saying all this bs about loving me. Needing me. Or going to die without me. An yet when we are together. It's not like that. Like her words are just words with no actions to follow.

I hate being forced to be the bigger person. I hate having to let her treat me this way. 

I dont know what to think or do. An of course because I'm in such a vulnerable place I did what I know to be not good because I'm hurting. An she knows I'm vulnerable and just doesn't seem to care. An just carries on like it doesn't even phase her. 

Explain to me how I matter or how I am cared for if she is not willing to see me. 

I really am feeling lost. An I'm really hurting more than ever... an I hate all the trauma I've been thro because at times like now it floods my brain an alls I think is all the stuff I feel I deserve. When really...my heart is so fragile so strong so whatever.r..why am I always the one that gets treated this way.. 

How can she say she loves me an treats me this way

 

truth...

I got so much truth... I dont know what to think or feel. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I want to stay with her. It's super lame... people say I knew what I was getting into. But I didn't. I didn't know how painful these times would be that I have to stand aside. An watch her go thro whatever bs she is going thro. 

For many times. ... I have no damn answers... I dont know how to get her thro these times. I don't know if we're real. But then I say that. An then I think back to one of our last conversations. She had said she was literally ready to die. She had said all this stuff about being ready to die right then an there if I didn't say I loved her. 

I dont know.... 

I do love her. But then I spent my weekend listening to people who tell me people like this are not capable of love.  But she had said she loved me. An I'm trying so hard to have faith in that. 

I wish she'd talk to me. Or be there for me. Or focus on me. I feel like I'm in a losing battle with whatever is going on for her. I dont know. 

I'm so exhausted right now...but I just wanted to say fuck addiction. 

It's literally ruining my life. An watching what I'm watching. Listening to others. I'm like how can you love me 

There is nothing in me that is worthy of love. I'm literally a nobody. I'm not worth that kind of devotion. Over an over all people in my life betray me. So I have major issues when the person who says I'm her forever an yet keeps me at arm length. Remaining a friend or some bs. But she allegedly loves me. I just don't know how to just accept that. Wh3n there is nothing I can compare it too. No way to test it to be truth. 

An I definitely don't know what to do. I'm fuckin tired. Sn I'm hurting an I'm losing everything. 

My reality my future my pain.. I'm feeling as i did before but worse

. 

something ain't right

Maybe if I never wake up maybe it will be alright. Trying not to cry.

I have been fighting my fears..  fighting my truths. That I realized tonight that I don't matter to my partner the way I hoped too. 

Last year it was epic. She was present. She tried. An she showed up.  

Now... I can't talk to her. See her. Know whether she is alive or dead. 

I'm realizing that I allow her in my life in ways that I'll never be allowed in hers. 

I've got her in every aspect of my life. An yet that isn't mutual. 

Meaning I'm the only one in this relationship and I'm getting hurt more an more. 

It made me think of my lover in Ontario I fuckin loved thst person... loved in way that I've never loved before. An I never wanted it to be the end. I wanted forever. They wanted forever at least so they led me on to believe. 

One day our lives blew up an I was gone. An they were no where to be found.

Completely shattered.

But this relationship feels like that. May be why I'm fighting so hard to not end it. Because I want it to work. I want this to be the one

But I don't think it's true. An the more I'm fighting the reality the more I'm bleeding. 

I'm cutting more an more. Bleeding deeper an deeper. Tonight I went crazy as I always do... when I'm ignored for 2 days. An I was worried. I was expecting anything. An I got an angry response. Because my calls an texts made hrr angry. She'd rather sleep than talk to me. She'd rather be alone with herself then be forced to be in my presence even if it's by text.

I'm dying in pain. 

I'm trying to not feel the way I feel. But having her treat me that way makes me want to die. Because it hurts. It hurts. And it makes me think... Is this really what I deserve

All the relationships I have had. All the people i have hurt. Even to this day. I have no solid relationships besides with my kid. 

I have shut out everyone. I have boarded up all walls. An yet I'm being hurt by the people I've considered to be in my circle. 

People who I've seen being in thr same pattern of selfishness and not caring about me. 

Idk what to do... idk how to get out of this mindset... I'm stuck in this darkness.. I

I think I'm better off dead. The world could be better without me. 

She wouldn't have to get angry by my texts and phone calls. Or being forced to say ilove you when she doesn't even love at all. 

I'm losing my mind...

An I just want to die 

My family. My friends

I dont wanna live. I don't wanna go thro this. I just want it to end. I just want to feel nothing. 

I hate how much i care. I hate that I love her so much it hurts. 

I hate that I want the best for her. I hate that I feel I fall short of that. 

I hate that I am alive. I hate that I ever met her. Because if I didn't she wouldn't be forced to treat me this way. 

I hate that I feel thisbway. 

An I just want to bleed. To hurt. To break every part of my body. To rip out my heart an turn it to stone. 

I want to die. I want to get away from all this bs. I want to close this door. I want to never let myself feel this way. I want to go back to killing myself. To see the world is better without me. 

I have no family. I have a handful of friends. 

I'm dying in pain. 

silence...

It's killing me to hear the nothing.... to recognize how much someone doesn't matter in someone else's life. That their Meer words no longer hold the same value. 

I'm still feeling like she wants me here an says shit like I'm the only reason she is still here. But really how "here" am i if we have only seen each other 3 times in the last month. 

For someone to matter or have value it should be more than this.

I tried to think of all the times where I had treated people like this or something of the sort. How can I be the one deserving of this treatment. After being flooded with so much love an happiness. So much joy an content to be completely void. Blank. Blind to all the things that matter

I'd love to say it's just my relationship I'm talking about. But when I apply this to all the things in my world. I see the pattern of what I've allowed other people to do to me. Treat me. Under value me to choose when to be in my life and only when it's convenient for them. 

I've had enough of this from everyone.. I feel destructive an its not even toward anyone but myself how could I let myself be this willing to sacrifice so much of myself for others. Etc. 

I feel like I'm close the door of those people in my life. An its becoming recognizable that I'm not allowing the behavior to continue. An yet here I am still alone an still not having people willing to be there for me. 

How much I miss my friend. Who actually made time. To text. Call. Show up an hang out. 

And now I've got nada.

An if nada or people taking advantage of who I am. Ya I'd rather be alone. Yes I need new friends. I need things to focus on. An then I realized it even happens at my job. To allow them to under value my years of service. And treat me like this. 

I want to leave the job. Why have I pUT up with so much in my life. 

Then it comes down too.... wanting pain. Wanting to hurt. An wanting to die. Because even tho I hate everything that happened or what I let happen. If I walk away it's like only one door to go thro an it would be the door to death because i couldn't imagine ugh

I need to break the cycles but I'm in this one. An I have no one to ask how to get out. I dont have capacity to be willing to change or grow. Lol

Idk.. I'm losing my mind. And I'm hurting beyond measure. 

hate the happy

I dont know what I am doing. Or who I want in my life I'm not happy with how the last week has been... how easy it is to look in the mirror an put on a face/mask.. trying to hide the darkness of myself in myself. Hoping that as each day comes an goes people won't see me falling apart. 

I recently talked to someone...an their pain.. their pain an depression an how no one seen it. No one noticed it.

I realized that is what my upbringing was... my mom wouldn't show emotion. Wouldn't even tell us she loved us. But more so when things were difficult. When things were breakable. We never seen that. We never got to see the bad in that sense.

But I do have memories.....

Of the bad... things like being left at young age to fend for ourselves in the apartment because our parents were out partying whatever.

Or when the abuse happened for my mom.  An us having to hide ourselves. Lock ourselves in our roo.  Or being denied food. Or being told our dad who died of OD. Was a coward. Etc.

Lol there were lots of ways we went thro bad but most importantly we weren't taught how to cope with our feelings. How to ask for help. Or how to tell one another what is going on for us.

My family have spent so much time being snakes. Being people who stab one another in the back. 

We are sort of sectioned out. As tho we don't connect. We don't communicate. 

But it happens on all sides... 

I am terribly feeling a loss... an I'm scared. Because I feel like I'm losing a piece of my soul. A piece of my heart. As I dont know why my partner doesn't call. Doesn't text. Don't show up. Doesn't do much to keep our relationship alive. I've initiated all our conversations. And in the last month we had only seen each other 3 times..... for a relationship that has been ongoing for over a year.

So I feel like it's ending... i feel like idk if this is what she wants. Or what.

I dont know what she wants or what is important to her. It used to be that I was important. I'd be her first call. And now I get no call. No text. An I'm expected to keep this relationship alive. But my heart hurts...

Idk. 

Is there a way out of this madness I dont know. I know that I'm feeling like letting go.. not just my partner. But also anyone who tries ro hold me back. I'm stupidly hopeful that I matter to anyone. . That anyone would say something meaningful to me. But I don't have much hope it will be happening. 

Idk if the hope is dwindling. Hindering. Or the right choice for this circumstance 

if I never wake up

I'm feeling lost. I'm shattered an hurting in pain..like I'm bleeding from a new wound that won't heal. I tried for weeks months to try an be patient. To let my partner whom I've been with for over a year. To let them treat me like garbage. 

Consistently thinking it will change. They will do better. Whatever bs. I've let myself believe. It's fading. 

I'm starting to realize... I dont matter. Our relationship died. An I'm trying.. repeatedly. I am trying to stay connected. Stay in love. But it has felt one sided. I'm the only one willing to reach out only one willing to speak.

I believe her. I believed her for so long. It would get better. She would come back. 

She said... after moving or getting settled. Then it was needing to be in better head space. An now it's what.....

Nothing......

Nothing at all....

I have spent this month.  Consistently worrying. Is she dead. Is she overdosed on drugs. Bleeding out. Or injured in some way. 

An for the stupidest choice. I called for help for her. An they did nothing.  Because I'm the only person who is calling about her. 

An I dont matter....my words to her don't matter.

An I'm done....

I'm done with this bs relationship that has caused me so much pain. I can't even cry. I can't even feel anything but pain. 

When it was good. Was great...but it hasn't been good for months... I tried to stay connected

An tonight I realize maybe I was the only one fighting for this relationship. She said so much but no action to make it legit real. 

So I've been living on the belief in her. An her ability to say so much but do absolutely nothing. ..

I wish I could go to sleep an not wake up.  I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. An know that I have to go thro it. I have to go thro it alone. Because everyone in their right mind.. told me not too. Told me not to have hope. Told me to walk away. Told me everything 

And I ignored them. Because I believed her. I believed every word..  I thought this was my love forever. I thought she was my wife. I thought she was my world. An I'm scared to face it's not truth. It's not real. Once I let go... 

I won't even be a thought. I won't even impact her life in any way because I'm not even there in the first place. An I am the only one going to feel the heart ache because I'm the real joke. 

An because of that. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to face the truth. That I'll never win.   This is what I deserve 

I give my whole world to those I love. I give everything I have. My heart an soul. An I get burned. Shattered. Broken. Bruised an bleeding. 

This is why I'd rather die...then try find love...it's only caused me pain... an I didn't even see this love.

That's the worst of it. I don't know why I thought she'd be my everything. 

I remember how much it meant to me.. 

Fuck I can't think of it. Because I'm alone. I'm not going to get the girl. 

feels like to be valued

I've been trying to think of why it's hard to think of everything..  I thought so strongly that we were gonna make it. By fluke of the last couple days I was sleeping next to her. An I had all these thoughts that it was going to be epic. I thought finally time with her. 

It's not what I'm thinking though.  I'm thinking why are we together. Why are we staying together. When I look into her eyes an she smiles. It is epic. When she lays in my arms it's epic. 

But when she isn't with me. We aren't talking. When we are together we aren't talking. We literally haven't had enough time to comprehend what she had said. 

It hurts to hear that she is listening to other people. She is believing other people about her relationship with me. 

I've tried to be patient. Fuck I have been the most understanding partner in the history of any fuckin person on the planet. I have stood by. Let her put us on the back burner. 

An when I look back at why it matters. I think of the times where she actually wanted me. She actually needed me. When she would call me from the hospital. When I showed up for the first time in almost a month. She said she cried from seeing me because she missed me so much an couldn't comprehend it. 

I think of those times as though she wanted to be with me. Needed to be with me. 

It is possible to survive this?

To survive at the idea that she may not want forever with me. That we are just wasting time ???? Waiting for something to come of it. Idk

I am told I overthink everything. An i watched a video that said an anxious partner or whatever an everything that she had said I could hear it. As If that was what I needed from my partner. My partner who bails on me every step of the way an causes me so much pain that I'm hurting myself to try an survive. 

But I'm beginning to burst into explosion because I'm hurting. I'm hurting so bad. I can't be happy. I can't feel anything but pain. As if one more terrible thing happen an I'll fall apart.

If I fell into old habits I guarantee I'll die.

An that's the worst when I tried to talk to someone about it. They scolded me as if I am a terrible person an should think of what I'll do to my kid. An I thought wouldn't it be better if he had someone more present in his life. Not someone who has checked out an I'm just not all here. I wish I was. I really can't think of him because I no longer feel best for him. 

An its Because I gave so much of myself to this relationship I feel like less of a person. I put on a fake face as if I'm fine. But I'm crumbling. I'm literally dying inside. An I'm fighting to try fight but I'm losing so badly. 

I'm losing the battle. An I dont know why this one relationship defines my whole life. Why did I give her that power over me. Why did I try so hard. Why did I think this was forever 

Why did she

How did we fuckn get here. Cause I'm dying inside 

hold me in your arms

I'm fucking hurting so much. I dont know what to do anymore. 

I spent so much of my time being patient. Waiting for the person whom I love. I've been waiting for her life to get back to some sort of normal life. I thought it would get better 

I've been made to look like a fool. I feel like a fool. I have been told the reason that she has bailed on seeing me is because people are getting in her head about us. We aren't right for one another. We aren't worth the fight for a future. 

I want to give up. I can't fight the world. I can't fight her supports. I can't fight for this love that I thought was it. I thought this was my love. 

An now I'm feeling shattered. I'm feeling shattered to the point of not wanting to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to keep living if this person isn't in my life. 

People said think of your kid. Think of what you'll do to him. An I'm so lost. I can't think

Why. 

Why

Why 

Why the fuck did we talk about a future. Why did we get tattoos. Why did we do all this stuff. Why did we make plans. Why did we say this was forever. If neither of us believed we get there. 

I cant get over all the time an effort all this hope I had seen. Or felt in thinking she would want to be with me. 

I have so much pain an fear. I don't know how to survive the day. I dont know how to move on. When alls I want is the life we had. 

I spent so much of my life seeking love. Seeking something worth living for. I thought I had it with my kid. But something was missing. An I didn't know it. An when I found this love I thought it would be epic. I thought we'd be forever. 

An instead... she tells me that people have gotten to her. An she isn't sure she can get her head straight. An I can't feel anything but pain. I feel shattered. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stay. How to find our love again. I dont know if she is stringing me along to feel alive. To feel connected 

I don't know why. 

Why do I get this type of love. How is it love at all. 

I want to love her. I want to be with her. I see no one else but her. An I don't know if I'm being played. 

I'm ready to give up. Give up living give up this life an destroy it all. I'm ready to fuck up to the point of no return. 

what would it look lik3

I cant remember why someone asked me this question... what would my future look like or my life look like if she wasn't in it. 

Would it be different or about the same. Would I be suffering or happier. Idk

What angle am I expected to look at this from. 

I dont want to think about what my life would look like without my partner. I'm terrified at the idea. Especially because everything I've been doing I've done in hopes of securing our future. 

I want a future that is Beautiful. I want to be able to see her as her heart an soul in light an darkness an to also call her home. She is my safe place. 

I know that even the idea of seeing her. Being next to her my heart pumps all the time. Kissing her. An holding her hand. More than life is worth giving me.

I've spent so much of my life under a rock. Consistently expecting bad things to happen. Always waiting for what I feel I deserve. Which is lame. Because I deserve to be happy. To be in love. To move on with my life. 

However....

There's a dark past of who I was. Where I've come from. An the things said or done to me. An upbringing that is not as severe as others but severe enough that scars remain on my soul from what kinds and types of abuse I endured. 

Spending most of my life feeling like I'd never amount to anything. I never deserved a good life. An it seems to have been reflected in most of my relationships because.... all of them ended in pain an it was always to do with being cheated on. Or hearing them say I wasn't good enough. 

So for the first 6 months of this relationship...I spent it testing the waters... 2x we broke up because of different reasons...

And each time we got back together. An have been together ever since. However... the thing has been that so much has been going on for her. She needed to put us on simmer. An for me that was difficult an painful. Because I felt all those past feelings. An now thst she may be back. I'm not sure if it's real or if I'm being played. Or if I should move forward with our future plans. 

I want to save money. Buy the ring an ask her. Or have her ask me ahahha. 

For odd reason that sounds so weird to be asked. What I wanna ask.

But the thing is we need to be stable. We need to have plans. We need to move forward. An we can't do that when her life is doing whatever 

An she isn't telling me.

I have thought about it... the thing is her mental health is her fear. An I dont understand thst in any way. Because I barely have had to deal with it as closely as I used too. Before it was a little more spontaneous an unstable. But the last while even when she's been struggling...she hasn't ended up in hospital 

To me that means she's doing better. An maybe she should consider what I want. But I can't say that because if we jump all in. What will happen.. idk.

But I cant ask her the question until we test the waters of living together. An she can't live with me till she is stable. I considered moving. So that we can have a fresh spot an she can have her own space inside the place we live so that when she goes thro these episodes. She can still be with me an we can learn how to go thro it. Idk.

I think in love we can make it thro anything but she doesn't put enough faith in my understanding of her. An my patience with her. She needs to give me a chance. To let me make it thro this all with her..

I dont know...

I had thought when she wanted to see me... that she'd want to talk. Or walk. Or anything of value but instead we just drove an didn't talk. An only now I have all these questions without answers. 

Idk.

living on hope

I got told... that I've been living on this false sense of it will get better... for on an off of months on months... I've been battling the ideas... finally feeling like I've had enough...

I watched an episode that had a husband totally go out of his way not to call his wife... even though in a time of despair that would be the person he should be calling. But he waited till after the chaos before deciding to reach out. 

It makes me think of where I'm at. My partner who is supposed to be in a partnership with me. Has left me out of her life for so long. The past summer she was able to cling to me. But our relationship hasn't been like that for any reason.. an then this past month. I was expected to wait. To hear literally nothing from her. An idk... it felt like I was breaking. 

I had lived on her Word. Instead of checking the actions that go with. 

I became disappointed. An more heart ache than what I'd care to admit. 

I tried so hard to stay strong. An just when I was about to give up. When I've felt ready to just walk away. 

She messaged. She showed up. An everything that I've gone thro still exists but it's not acknowledged or whatever. 

I dont know. I'm struggling. 

When I thought of seeing her I thought how nervous I was. How much I didn't want to see her but also wanted to. Because I knew. One kiss. One hand hold. One look into her eyes an she would have caught me back into it all. Which idk if its good or bad. 

And am I expected to see hope again. That now that her life is finally settling that maybe she will come back. But if she comes back will it still be worth it. 

We had plans. We had planned a future. A life. But my issue is that we shouldn't be living separately from one another. As a partnership we should be striving for the same goal an able to talk about it. Able to make it happen. 

I dont know. I'm losing my mind. An I'm lost. Because I want all the things we said but I don't know if it's possible because even tho this part or chapter for her is resolved. The next thing will come up an then what. I get put on the back burner.

My counselor had said she strives for the stability that I have. She likes the control she has over me an she gets to decide most everything an when I try say anything it's met with silence. 

I dont know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Will she ever really let me into her life the way she has invaded mine.

An why is the life I live so worthy of her to want to stay. Because it just living...living to work. To pay bills. Raise my kid. An have some fun whenever wherever I can

I don't know...how can u devote yourself to someone you hardly see. Or talk to. Or connect with. 

I don't know.

silence

I spent so much of my time thinking.... taking in all the actions of others. I tried to no I didn't try to stay positive. Because for the first time. I'm seeing this in a way that causes me more pain..

I fell in love with her. The ideas of our future. I spent the last year pouring my heart an soul into this person. Feeling like I was being heard. That she had felt the same way. We were working on this awesome path

There were moments.. I literally can almost name them. When my presence in her life was the light of her world. Where just by merely holding my hand or laying on my chest was enough to rock her world. 

I never thought it would not go thst way. I never thought it would end. I thought this was forever.

But this month has been more of a reality check of the pain I'm enduring. I'm slipping further into wanting to commit suicide wanting to end my life because I feel like it's never gonna happen.

When I asked her out. She had said she wanted to be my everything. An to this day... I have nothing unless it's with her. She has embedded herself into everything I see. Feel. Smell. Touch. I'm completely involved with her. 

An seeing it now. I don't think it's mutual. I don't know what my expectations would have been or even what her expectations of me would have been. 

I dont know how the silence. The bailing on seeing me. The constant excuses for wanting it to be settled or better. 

If we took the last year. I'd say it's not ever going to be perfect. An that what I understood because I knew what I was getting into. I knew it would be difficult. 

You know there was 2 people I'd say in my whole life that I loved more deeply than this. One of them is my best friend an the other is someone I'll likely never see again.

But the trust. Devotion I had in them. Was beyond any measure of trust. Commitment. Anything an no one in my current life has this kind of love an devotion from me. An there's a reason for that.

However my current partner had said she wanted to be that for me. She had said she wanted to be what they were to me. An there were moments moments where I'd see it.

I loved that part of her. Just as much as I'd loved her letting me be there for her. Letting me hold her. Support her more closely than I have now. 

In my mind there's a reason this has happened an in her mind she thinks it's totally fine to treat me this way without even giving me a 2nd thought. 

I spent today. For the first time not responding. I stayed busy. I kept up with my day but I found myself struggling all day.....all day of what do I say. What will be enough an I asked for advice an no one could give any advice an I got nothing. An so I said nothing 

Cause I'm not in her world. I'm not in her home. For a long time she had said... our family. Our future is what she wants. But hasn't made effort to bring it to life. She has no problem causing me pain. No problem keeping me out of it all. An when I try say anything I get nothing. An so I'm in the dark.

The silence kills me. The pain of what or who or whatever she is talking to or counting on is not me. An I'm hurting an she doesn't care.

I got advice yesterday that made me see things in a different way but in such it makes me wish i was dead. Why did I do this. Why did I think I wanted this. An why is it so hard to let go. The idea of letting go makes me want to harm myself just to avoid the idea of what letting go will look like. 

Idk how to get thro this. An I dont know how she can have all this faith in forever when she doesn't even give me a day. An hour. A minute of her life. How can we be forever if the basic necessity of a relationship of any kind are not present because I'm hurting. I'm hurting here an my heart is being crushed. An I dont know how to survive the heartache. I literally have a plan for the first time an that is not good because if thus goes any other way I dont think I'll be able to come back from this. 

loyal

I'm struggling... I'm always struggling... I dont know how to explain myself or why I have so much faith in this relationship. She knows she's hurting me. She knows what she is doing is causing me pain but it doesn't stop her.

I know she won't show up for me. I was thinking about this.. how great it would be that she'd show up for me. But it's no longer within her capabilities... In the beginning... she was able to jump. Fly over. Or whatever. An now.. I hardly know anything. I know less than anything. An the more I realize this the more painful it is to be with her.

I dont know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know...why I am allowing this to be part of my life. 

I dont know how to let go. I don't know how to walk away. Because I love her. I want to be with her forever. 

I dont know what it is that makes me feel certain. We hardly see one another. We hardly talk. When we started this... I felt it. I felt it beyond a feeling of connection. 

An I loved how safe she felt with me. Or how secure I made her feel by my presence. I loved holding her in my arms. I loved everything. An we carried on for 3 months before it began falling apart. An we tried for the year to figure it out. But no matter how much I try. There's always so much going on in her life. So much she has to do or figure out which means closing the door on me, but instead of doing that. She's trying to hold onto me. 

I dont know why... 

Why is it worthy... why is it that I am worth this. When I yelled or argued with her that week or so ago. I thought she'd wanna change I thought she'd wanna make us work. I liked hearing that me saying what I did. Was kick to the gut for her to see what she was doing to me was selfish and served no one but her. I want to stay with her. I want to fight for us I believe in us. But I want better. I want greater I want so much.

It's funny she had said. That she had to communicate. That it wasn't a problem with me but with her. For the first time I met someone who's worse at communicating then I am. An worst off I feel like.... what lingers in my mind. Is that she had said she didn't feel like she could be herself around me and to me. That seems like a concern.. if you can't be yourself complete all an all with the person you're devoting your life too. Then what in the world is the point. What is exciting about staying with me. In the present I'm not talking about the future I'm talking right here an now..

Why... why. 

And why am I always in my head. Why am I undiagnosed. 

Lol

Out last encounter.. I wasn't willing to be my absolute self.. I had hid some parts of myself from her. An she didn't notice. If she had she'd have seen that I was getting worse in my cutting. That it's escalating. I'm losing my mind. Seeking out situations thst will cause me to turn to the one thing I love an has yet to fall me

hurt.

I see now that I am reacting to this relationship. Originally she had said she'd spend time with me an be here with me. And now she not only didn't she also just ignored the reality of what she said she'd do. An I'm hurt beyond measure. Because I'm realizing that I'm being dragged along 

When I fought with her. I thought I had finally gotten thro to her. I thought she wanted to work at our relationship an for a day or two she seemed to make effort but looking at it she's not making effort where it counts and I'm hurt more than ever. 

I dont know what I feel anymore. I don't know how to feel love when alls I feel is pain. I don't know how to feel love when alls I feel is disappointed. I don't know what to do. I'm consistently thinking of this being the end. 

Not the end of our relationship but the end of my life. My worthiness measured by how little I matter or my feelings matter to anyone specifically those that allegedly love me. 

I dont want to keep this up but I'm scared of what will happen if I let go. I'm scared of what will happen to my mindset. There so many fears attached but the idea of breaking free from the thing thst is causing me so much pain. I can't even remember the last time I felt and lived in that love that it mattered enough to me. 

I don't get to fight my way thro this because she is not willing to fight me she is willing to bail on me. Be selfish. An not consider my feelings in this situation. Not at any point did she hear my disappointment. She just doesn't hear me. Doesn't know me. Doesn't care. 

When I thought about her fighting for me. I thought wow how amazing it is to be loved as much. She loves me to fight for me. To want to make a change for me. An then this happened. It's like she knows how to cause me pain. An just does it to make me feel pain.  

Idk... I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for staying. I'm so used to this type of pain from people I wouldn't know what the right part of it all would Be. I haven't been in a healthy relationship in years or ever. I have no idea what that even looks like. 

She said this was our first healthy relationship if that were true why do I feel shitty an in pain all the time. Why do I only feel the way I feel. If I was in a healthy relationship I wouldn't be so disappointed an hurt an wouldn't react as badly as I do when she doesn't consider my feelings or needs. 

lost

It's never a good thing to feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. To also feel as though I have to bare it all on my own 

I'm hurting. I'm hurting beyond all measure of pain that I can endure. I am such an idiot. I'm looking back on a life I had. A life we had. A future we were supposed to have. 

I'm in love with this girl. I want the future to be real. I want to know we are working together to make it happen but I got nothing. A year ago things were better. Things were beautiful. I mattered. She texted called made an effort. An now shes silent. Distant an unknown to my life. 

My soul is hurting at the thought of what it means. Because on one hand. She says nothing doesn't show up. Doesn't see me. An then on the other she messages me the sweetest messages. Stuff about the future. 

I dont know what to do. I don't know what to feel. 

I talked to someone about my thoughts. How the world may be better without me. 

What is the point of moving forward. What is the point in trying to live. I'm fighting to survive everyday. 

An now I'm struggling to know if the person I love. Does she love me back. An if her answer is no. Will I be able to handle that. I don't know. I don't know. I'm hurting an I'm feeling like my heart is breaking. An I just want it to stop. I don't want to keep this up. I don't like the direction we have gone down. 

You know my messages they said things like. She'd say being with me was enough to feel love appreciated. An just knowing I'm here was enough. 

But now.......

Now.... I got nothing. I spend days with no talking. No texts. No phone calls. 

But than when there is a text. It's shit like don't let the stuff I'm thinking spiral into the chaos I'm currently enduring 

An the other part of that is she knows I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I feel lost. An I am worried. 

I hate that we spent so much time talking about the future. About family. Kids. Marriage. An if it falls apart. My soul will be crushed. An I'm not sure I can handle it. As I am not sure what to feel. I'm not sure how to respond. But I realize maybe she is doing this to make it easier for me to let go. 

Maybe I don't matter as much as I thought 

But then when I say that. It sounds selfish. What if she's in hell. She is enduring some traumatic shit. An she is coping in ways that I do not approve. Because it's a deal breaker allegedly for me. 

So then she's keeping me at arms length knowing full well it hurts. But I had said that I love her an I'll forever be here for her an I'll stand by her. 

Therefore.... even though I feel what I feel. I endured what I endure. I'm hurt. I'm hurting. But I'm still here an its hurting my resort to dealing isn't good. An idk. I've opened a door. To a life I am not supposed to be looking at. An I'm in a dark space. Where there is no light. 

I'm scared. I'm scared of what is going to happen. I'm scared of what or how ill react to shit. 

Or maybe I'm overthinking everything 

But I also cut off my supports. An 

May be making choices that will help letting go of the world easier for me. Because I'm cutting ties with people who matter to me 

I dont know. 

I dont like you

I feel so much pain... so much pain from so much in my life that I can't control. 

I'm hurting. I'm struggling to find purpose in my life. Does what I do really matter. Does me being alive benefit anyone. 

I dont want to keep surviving. I dont want to make all these plans of things that will never come to light. I am hurting. I'm hurting so much an no one anywhere can see that. 

On the surface. I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm whatever I need to be. But underneath I'm crying. I'm caged. I'm feeling myself be on the ledge. On a bridge. Ready to slit my wrists. There is no purpose for my life.

For so long I thought I was meant to live because of my kid.

I thought maybe this is me breaking the cycle. But I can't love him. I do love him but I don't have enough love to raise him to be good. To break chains 

I thought surviving those many years ago meant I'd have a purpose. But I don't know what it is. An I dont know if it's worth trying to keep fighting.

I was telling someone today. The best suicide is the one no one knew about. 

You know you have people who hint to people. Have people who chicken out or whatever. But the best suicide is the one we don't tell people about we don't give opportunities for them to stop us. The other side of that is not letting that person be the one that feels guilt for the rest of their life because they could or should have done something 

More an more... my mind is clouding with pain an torment.

I love this girl more than anything an yet she doesn't love me enough to show up to call or to be there for me. Being in a relationship isn't just sexual. An its definitely not just texting. We did the bulshit love language an we both needed to be with one another to feel that love.

An when she is silent. An not talking to me. My mind races.... my mind races to thinking how much of a joke I look like..... she could be in bed with someone else sending me some bs ILY message. She could be partying. Selling her ass. Or who knows what. She could have completely forgotten about me because I mean less to her than dirt on her shoe.

I don't fuckin know because I never know how she is feeling. What she is doing. Who she is with. An if I matter to her in any way at all. 

I could be fuckin going insanely crazy. An she doesn't even know. 

No one knows anything. I know that I'm at my breaking point. An I'm considering the easy way out because I feel like there's no purpose. It's like being in quick sand. No matter how much I pay bills. Pay for my housing. Watch my kid. Etc. 

I can't get out of it. On top of this. I can't live a life worthy of anything..

We talk about traveling. We talk about going places. Living together but ITS ALL FUCKIN TALK!! WE clearly aren't doing any of these things an she just stringing me along. An waiting for me to say the words I won't say!

I hate myself. I'll kill myself before I even leave her. I love her. Even though she may or may not love me. I'm hurting beyond all measure but I value her. I cherish her. She is my world. An she knows it. She lavished in that love an barely gave it back at least how I feel. 

I'm fuckin losing my Damm mind an mayb3 the world is better off without me. What good have i done in my years.

Now how should one kill themselves in a way that is idk an I also thought... I'd call police just before so that I'd save my family an friends the despair of finding me you know.

Is it terrible these are thoughts I've had. I seriously can't find a reason to keep on living. 

An it hurts. It hurts so much an I dont want to feel pain any longer 

I'll be alright

I dont wanna cry.. I have no reason to feel what I feel. But I've been thinking back to the year ago when I met my partner. It's funny I can remember where I met her. I was with a manager going to a hardware store an she had been walking a dog. An that was our first glimpse.

Then when things happened an she got asked to work with me. It seemed to be ok. We got a long an had some fun just talking. But the thing for me was that I was trying to get involved with someone else. I had spent months trying to get with this person. An my partner said it would be a mistake if I did. An definitely she was right lol. I never pursued it further. An when we got together or started our friendship.. she as far as I knew was going thro a break up. An was going thro so much. An I didn't know the whole story.  

But just the presence or company of her. Was good enough to enjoy going to work. 

An one day... which we call "Nacho Day" my friend an I invited my partner to lunch with us. It was random wasn't meant to be much of anything and to be honest I just wanted to get to know her. 

What I hadn't realized. Was My partner seemed to know even before nacho day that she wanted to get with me. And I was completely oblivious to the thought or words being spoken or whatever. At no time did I think this was my future or My girl. When I found out her age. I was like nope. That has to be a no for me. An my friend and I told her. We'd be here for her as she went thro her struggle. An i thought we'd just be friends. An if she was going to get with anyone why not be my friend who is a little younger than me. So for the next few months I tried to get them to hook up. An even through this. My partner was getting to know me. An connect with me. An trust me. 

An I didn't see the signs. I didn't clue into our love or affection until my friend told me. 

Only when my friend that I was trying to set up. Straight out said my partner was trying to get with me and/or was only interested in me. 

I had no idea. Until that conversation. 

An then things changed..

It wasn't that it hadn't crossed my mind but that I didn't think I was good enough? I didn't think I was her type? Idk. 

But when my friend said that. Things changed. I started to see. I started to see my partner in a different light. An she started asking for help An trusting me in different ways. 

An then it turned into. Hanging with her at her home because she didn't want to be alone. An to have her tell me that my presence alone was enough for her. 

It lit up my world. That just being in the same room same couch was enough to make her feel better. It felt good. 

An altho we slowly starred our relationship. We didn't actually make it official anytime quickly. We still just hung out an did different things. An the feeling were amazing. An I found myself filled with joy An happiness. An my friend was like are you guys An item. An I was like no. We had done much to make that official.  

So then 122121 I finally jumped in an asked. I asked her to be mine for the foreseeable future. 

What I didn't realize. Is that u absolutely love her. In a depth of love that has no comparison. 

There are pieces of a love I knew before. 

I dont want to get into details. But what' she doesn't know is that the spontaneously hanging out or walking the streets or sitting under the stars. Those moments make me think of a love I had before. Except the difference is this love feels real. I love her an she loves me. 

I think that as much as I'm trying to be in this love. I'm also terrified... 

My past is insane... I've never been in a healthy relationship. An here I am. Allegedly in a relationship  

It's not always easy.. it is difficult when she shuts me out but I overthink too much 

I cant ask any more of her because the thing is that she is coming from so much turmoil. 

People say we shouldn't even be together because of h3r stuff but I can't walk away I can't give up on her over this bs... I know what it feels like to be lost an not have anyone to turn too or rely on.

How it feels that everyone else had walked away but I had stayed. I had stormed thro the chaos. 

I dont know what the right decision would be.

But yesterday or day before she had said she'd make me her Power of attorney. But the reality is I'm not actually fully aware what her choices or decisions are 

I've been open and honest about what I feel how I feel an the emotions of all that. But for her. I do have an idea what might be. 

But how would her family feel. 

The other thing.. . I'm losing my train of thought... I'm just in a weird head space. 

made to love

So for weeks it has felt like.... like our love was going down the drain. But out of the blue she finally showed up. I finally seen her spent time with her. 

I wanted to do more than what we did but she just seemed content on being with me. 

I have lost so much focus with this relationship. And just as I thought all these things she comes back. An I was dumb enough not to ask for explanation for proof. For anything. I literally just opened my heart back up and welcomed her without hesitation. 

I dont know what's wrong with me. I dont know why I don't ask the important things. Why I just take it as face value.

I love her. I love her more than anything but I'm also clouded in my judgment with her. I didn't ask about why she treated me this way. Why she's axed everyone out of her life. I only hope this is a beginning to having me back in her life. Or her coming back into my life. I don't know. 

I am so clouded... alls I want is forever. I'm scared to look back at the last year an see all that I had done. All that she had done and see it was all for nothing. I don't know. I'm losing my mind. I'm scared. I'm happy an I'm completely utterly in love with her. And I'm scared to hear people say otherwise. I worry about what their thoughts are about us. 

What does she think of us? Does she still want the world from me ? It really is so many things I need to ask. An I didn't ask. I dont know how to stay focused. It's just when she lays next to me. An is in my arms. It's as if we are home. An nothing else seems to matter an I dont know how to not let that cloud me. Because when i look at her. When I feel her. Even her scent. It' makes me clouded. Alls I want is to keep her happy. I want to give up my whole world. 

I dont know . I don't know how to live my life if she isn't in it. An I dont know how to bring her back into my life. I tried so hard to not jump right back in but the reality is. I missed her. I missed her so much. An I just wanted to live in that moment even if it wasn't for very long. 

Maybe I'm insane... maybe I'm just completely psychotic. 

I dont know anymore. 

losing focus

I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel as though I've spent my last year beyond fragile. 

I poured out my heart. An thought my love was trusting me. But it doesn't seem to be that way now. 

I can't talk to anyone because the response remains the same. This isn't a normal relationship. This isn't how relationships are meant to be. However because I am who I am. I felt like I could withstand anything. I could withstand the silence. That I could matter enough.

But it doesn't seem to be the case. 

No matter how much I try to make my presence be here the outcome remains the same. 

For the first time in my life. 

I am faced with a relationship that once was beautiful. Felt like it was meant to be forever. To now I'm the furthest thing from it an possibly don't even exist. 

My partner. Is in a place... like that fucked up movie. Sinister. It's like she's here but her spirit is not. She is unreachable. I can't connect with her. An she may try reach out but not really. No matter what I say or do she is not here. 

I dont know if I matter to her. I'm supposed to have faith in her an us but I feel like I'm an idiot. She doesn't have faith or maybe she does but doesn't express it. 

I matter maybe. 

There's no room for doubt and that's all I feel. Her silence breaks my heart. An if I matter than why is she not here with me. 

She said so much crap an proved to be like everyone. Or is she still here.

An I say it in the sense that she is struggling an I know. But from what. I also know. The problem is how she is coping with that. I believe she is gone back to terrible measures such as drugs. An that is one thing that I have never dealt with in a relationship. An I work around addictions an yet never felt it this close to my heart till now. 

I feel broken. I feel shattered. I feel as though I'm not sure where to go or how to go from here. 

I'm ready to give up. An this is exactly where she likes me being. 

I feel like a fool. I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel like giving up not just on her but everything. 

I've spent a year of my life trying. Trying to maintain our happiness. Anyet she couldn't care at all. Or maybe she does. Maybe she is allegedly fighting to get back to me. I don't know. 

I know my way of coping with this is bad. An the more I open this door. The more I'm going to fall apart and possibly do something.

Is it possible to love someone through this. To love them beyond these things. I can't live without her. An I can't imagine a future without her. An I dont know what to do. Besides do something stupid. 

strength in faith

I have been in a weird place... you know when you spend all this time alone... you overthink an begin to doubt every relationship that hasn't sought out to check on you. That's how it felt... 

I was left behind just as so many.. I dont really know who friends are. Are they only friends as we mutually take away from one another 

I couldn't imagine being in lockdown.. I see why so many people struggled... an hearing that people have tried to end their lives.

I'm completely unsure.... my heart feels broken... an I love my partner more than anything but.... what she has going on.... where she's at... she seems to be unwilling to let me in. If I mattered wouldn't I be by her side. Not being left in the dark? I don't like how I feel.

So alot of the time the reason behind why I'm always left in the dark is because she is not herself in these spaces in her head. An if she let's herself be around me then she lashes out ? Or acts out of her regular character. An or just does something that hurts us. At least these are the things I believe she has told me. But realistically 

If I mattered to her wouldn't she be willing to show me herself... in all her faces. Her personality. Her darkness her doubts fears etc.

When we've been together as long as we have. Shouldn't we be more than what we currently are. Because it seems we're going back to only seeing each other once a month. An I'm begging to hear from her. 

If I didn't say anything it's as though I wouldn't exist in her life an yet she states that I matter most of all. But how can I matter when I'm not even present in her life.

But if i say that... it turns too... what is life like without this love. Without this worry. I want the future we planned. She wants the future we planned. Then what in the world is stopping that from happening. That is the question that I can't answer because as much as I'm talking to her... it's not her that I'm talking to. An that is the difficulty of where I'm at. 

I am hurting. I'm hurt. An I dont know what to do I can't call anyone because there isn't anyone to call. So I'm lost in this stupid mentality of not knowing what to do or think. I just need to feel. Anything. Anything at all that makes sense. Because nothing about this shit makes sense to me. How can this be love if she can't even be honest with me. To share her darkest parts of herself with me. An not want to relish in our happiest moments. 

I feel like breaking down. I feel sad. Hurt. Alone. An in a dark room an I need to be ok. I need to get thro this without doing what I always do. 

Because I'm in a moment of sabotage it all. Because it isn't real. It's not what is real. But it's the bs cycle I'll have to endure every month for the rest of my life. But I still assume if I endure it then maybe she'll let me in and see I'm not going anywhere an I love her regardless of whoever or whatever is in her head. Because I know who she is. I want to spend eternity with that woman. An I gave that lady my heart. An she controls this all but I want to be able to have some control to show her the love I have for her thro my eyes. 

She'll see something beautiful...if she would just give me a chance to prove we are worthy of greatness. We are better than all this bs darkness. We have done enough. We deserve to be happy. An that's where we can be. 

doubt growing like a weed

I'm struggling... there's so much going on an so much heaviness around my reliance on others. I know we should never rely on anyone...but honestly with love... well it blinds us. Asks us to have faith in the unknown. Have faith in others because of love. For so long I've rarely let anyone into my life... it worked pretty well but then I started slowly...started to break down the wall. An now I am feeling terrified... it feels as though being in this place where I had faith in others... reminds me of a TV show. Or Several. But the thing in this particular show called Prison Break. The series when they had to break out of a prison that was run by the inmates. One particular inmate had hidden himself basically to wither an die in the basement. Eating rats an whatever he could. The guy even built a brick wall covering himself from others so no one could find him.  Until one day someone did. An he relied on them. But when they broke him out of the brick wall he was deteriorating from only eating what an when he found scraps... the reason i say this is because it's how I feel...

However I broke down my walls because I put my faith in love. In the idea that out of love we would conquer all. An we would last forever.

But what she doesn't know... is that I relied on her.. on her word that I'm her everything. Thst she wants me in her life..

But... the issues... the many issues that keep rising up are starting to make me feel like I'm deteriorating. Because the more times she is disappointing me an not being here.. the more times I'm losing faith. Losing heart. 

What are the reasons for love... for connection. Sadly they seem to be instilled in us. Because it's why we are here.

I want to not lose faith.. I want to make it work. But it feels one sided. It feels as though I'm the only one fighting for stability for us. 

For her. She's fighting to stay alive fighting demons. Fighting multitudes of things but she's doing it alone. 

I've done everything I could to build up her trust an faith in me. I've proven more an more that I'll be here. An I'm not going to turn my back on her. But she still won't break down her walls. She still won't have more faith in me.

I need to figure out what to do from here... because right now....

I've lost so many. I've done so much an I deserve to be loved. I deserve to feel that love without questioning it.. an right now I feel unworthy like I don't deserve love. That maybe all this time of trying to fight her demons.. I'm not ever good enough to be there. 

Idk... I'm hurt 

I'm hurt because I've repeatedly said this is who I wanna be with, who I wanna spend the end of time with. I want to stay an I feel like she wants me to stay but at a distance. An the worst parts of distance is that it continues to raise doubt. To raise concerns. An to make me wonder what does she do with her time. Who is she spending it with. How can we build our lives together if we aren't actually together.

I continue to feel as though I can't press the matter because she's in a fragile state. An when I push she runs away an I can't deal with the chase. I'm feeling done with the chase

We need to be over that. An ready to take on next steps. Because I or we owe it to ourselves to go thst length if that is what it is 

I dont know what I'm doing. Or what I should do. An I can't talk to my friends because I'm supposed to be all good an happy etc 

struggling in times of chaos

It's strange how everything can turn an fall apart as quickly as it has an then I wonder why I felt what I felt. 

I feel alone...I feel like all the choices I've made in the past few years hasn't been good enough... you know being a parent.  Really speaks to the kind of person I am. You see my kid... an you see a kind gentle handsome joyful kid. Reflection of how I've been with him. 

But the stuff going on outside of our lives... simple things like having someone use his name to collect cheques an committing fraud..  an now I'm being screwed for it..

To some it may seem simple fix. To others it's like why do I need the supports... I'm a working mom.  But expanses in our house hold... with ensuring we have food. Gas. An proper clothing..

These are expansive things... an I felt like I had to decide whst was best for him even if it meant I didn't get to buy a winter jacket or some warm socks. 

I love my kid. I have no regrets about the choices I made to be a part of his life.

An in the beginning...I felt like...this...this is why I'm alive. This is why I was brought back from the edge of death. 

Because I was meant for a greater purpose an it felt as though this was it. Not just being present in thr world.  It was as though someone whomever seen the future an decided 

Living is always a tough one... there so many difficult histories. 

I just want a love that endures. One thst I can fill me with a happiness. .

I'm exhausted

I want to write but I csmt cause I'm absolutely exhausted 

memories from last year

First off...I must pay honor to Betty White. Such sad news to hear that she had passed away.

Rest in peace Betty. 

Now onto the new year.... my memories are flooded with memories from the last year. Grateful for the life I've had but also completely recognizing the difficulties I've faced. 

It looks like last I wrote was about love...

Love still stands... an sometimes I still don't know why.. I dont know how I've ever been so lucky to be able to find a place such as this. With everything I've been through. 

I'm grateful for what love I have found. I cannot tell you enough..  how weird of circumstances it has been. But how grateful I am to have found a place where love exists. 

I have absolutely no idea how I've been put in this place to have been in love with someone an to have lasted for such a year as this. An to be alive with her.  

We've been through so much.. so much moments where we had doubts. Questions. Concerns. Reasons to not continue etc. 

Yet... here we are.. here we are together in this so called love. 

On our way to forever. An I just don't know how or why or when or how. What do we do from here. How do we get through this. How do we make goals an achieve them. How do we save money. How do we build on family. 

I dont even know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Sometimes people see our pictures and think you look so happy. But sometimes they look at those pictures an think your so exhausted. All is true. Because as much as I try be happy. I also am done with the current job. An ready to take on something less stressful. 

I need to find a way to take the next steps. To find the right moments where happiness is truth. Where we can be ourselves an move forward in all the love we could have had. 

How do we set goals that love matters enough without doubt. 

How can she have the best weekend of her life an yet we just present with one another. I want more. I want more than that. I want to laugh. Love. Dance. Inspire. An move forward 

My mind is so lost right now. I'm losing my mind right now and I want more out of all this. 

Keep moving forward. But how do we do better. How do we survive. How do we stay alive. 

I dont understand 

I'm losing my mind I guess.

How do we see last year. An know how far we've come. And how far we are willing to go

I so want the world to know our love. But to survive it in a better place. To give us a happiness that is better than this.

There's so much.. In my head..

The last year has done one thing proven each of us has made it. An we are moving forward..we are going to build on a life...

An hopefully take the next steps...the next steps being..  omg can you believe I'll say it...

Moving forward to engagement. Reading about it all. An learning best ways.

I have it on my mind. Because I just love the idea of being with her forever. An at the same time in saying that I worry about that..  but I'm grateful for her. I'm grateful for the happiness she has given me