Monday, July 28, 2008

im selfish

I honestly have to write about this because apparently im selfish. for the last I think it's been a week or so that I've had two people call me up and tell me how selfish I am..
Im selfish and I don't care....that's what they been telling me..

how difficult and emotional it's made me.. because I look at my life.. I look at the things I've done... I mean when I was a teenager I was the spotter for my older sister because I was always worried about her, anytime anyone and I mean this in the past and present..anyone ever calls me up needing my help I'd go out of my way to help them..
I left Ontario... I left the life I wanted to live.. a happiness that I felt..a freedom that I felt there.. a laughter I've never had before, friends that I cared so much for...I left all of that to be back here.. to be here for my family... to be here for my be here for my family... can you believe how selfish I am?

Since all this has gone down..I can't stop thinking about it...

if not that those that know that I struggle with cutting...are calling me up and telling me how stupid I am for being like that.. as if it's easy to stop... and im not going to justify my choices with anyone...I am struggling with that more then before...I have not been in counselling for almost two weeks and so much stuff has gone much pain...agonizing pain... losing friends.. hearing the truth from my what seemed to be my imediate family..
I don't

I fought on behalf of my sister my youngest sister..I did what I had to do and yet I dont care.. I dont care that she has nightmares, she has fear in her life...and I dont care...
I dont care...

It broke my heart when I was gone..being thousands of miles away from my brothers and sisters.. missing their', and all the family events..regardless that I dont enjoy those things I know how important those events are to my family.. because apparently I dont care..

I mean even then... I was there for these two people that are saying what they are saying now.. when my cousins dad died I was one of the first people there... and it freakin killed me.. i understood the pain that she suffered..and I was with her all that day and night..I took her punches and words...and yet still stood by her through it her dad's funeral I was there for her... and I went and drank with her...and yet im selfish...
with the other one...with her she'd call me and cry to me, as I would do to her... a true friendship is what I thought it have someone and share those things with...and to be sad.. be happy and enjoy life...have sad times..happy times....just greatness of having that kind of friend.. to have her take all that I had shared with her in confidence and to have her turn it all against me.. and tell me I need to grow up... right...
the worst of it all is that she said some rude ass stuff about my father...not only did she not know my father...she knew nothing..and yet... she said stuff about regardless if she ever apologizes..that's not something I'll forget or forgive... no one says anything about my dad without paying the price for it...

I know that Im great..I know that Im one of the greatest friends anyone could ever have..I would do anything for everyone..and never expect anything in return...and when I've asked people to be there for me and have them not there..I don't hold grudges...even yet I still have gone out of my way for people..helping people..encouraging people to do better in their lives..
with my brother..I've never told him to stop drinking because I drink too..not as much as him and not for the reasons he drinks... but I'm not the person to tell him to stop doing something Im not willing to quit doing either... I have tried to encourage him to do better in his life... and yet like all these people...they all tell me to do better in my life...

as if my life is garbage... I have had the opportunity to love two people in my life... two people I love and cherish and will love forever... I have travelled..I have helped people...when I was a Christian I had so many opportunities to share my life with people as a motivational speaker would...I stood in front of churches shared the deep dark secrets of my life and encouraged others to do better..I remember a few years ago I had even shared my life with young teens and had so many of them come to me and ask me to pray the prayer of salvation with them...
I have had jobs..and a job now thats great because Im doing something...something I can do something I can handle..and it's not going to be my forever...I mean I want to go to College.. I want to become a police officer... I have plans for College, and plans for my future.. whereas there are people who don't have that stuff....

I dont know...the last few days have been extremly difficult to have people that love and care about me tell me that I don't hear my own brother tell me that I don't care... it's become reptetive and painful...and people wonder why im still cutting...but when you hear all this stuff and mulitply it by forever you would understand what I think about everyday... I've not had many or any people tell me how great I am...the one person that did... is a guy who's one of my friends...other then that...everyone is on the same page of me being selfish...
my own mother...I talked to her and asked her..and she said look at everything I've done for everyone since moving back...and look at me now..Im paying for my brother and I to go to have a blast..and hopefully open his eyes to the world..or at least something other then B.C.

either selfish and I don't care...

these words have haunted me for nearly two weeks now..with the same three people bringing it up to me every time they talk to me..every time they drink..I get phone calls...
I guess I should just change my

hopefully going to make it past this but it's not been a fun ride to hear these words circling my mind so much...trying to work..trying to do what I have to do to survive...but with this constant thoughts of I don't care and Im's overwhelmingly painful...and at moments...

at various....moments....moments... I think ....

Thursday, July 17, 2008

moments passed me by


Im not sure where to begin or what to say... In the last week of my life.. everything good demolished before my eyes.. I lost alot of things.. It was like as soon as I wrote that note that I posted last I wrote.. everything fell apart. My cousin and i are in this huge fight we are not talking anymore, court is driving me nuts...

How do I say this? how do I write this and say it'll be alright you know?
I didn't stop cutting... my cousin said some nasty things to me about me or around me..It has felt like my life has went from being almost great I mean everything was going for me and everything seemed awesome. I wrote that note and everything got messed up, every good thing in my life, every good person in my life..just walked away..

I know what some people will say about that situation.. and I know that I am not even sure myself that I actually wanted to get out of it..i mean as soon as i wrote that the thought came into my mind..what am I going to do about Friday... this friday meaning a day away.. it's the day I go to court again.. this last time at court didn't go over very one was there for me.. and I nearly got up and beat the guy down... I heard the story of what happened to my sister for the very VERY FIRST TIME! It gutted me like nothing ever could and it wounded me like nothing else I had ever felt.. I felt this wreching pain in my heart, as if my heart was being ripped from my body..and stomped on by the defendent and the judge. Isn't that painful!
A part of me thought about what the officer would have done if I walked up to that man and just hit him..and ranaway.. obviously they would know who I was and everything...but like what would they have done? I mean I dont know... I just really died in a way that day..
So to think of going through that again without the idea of being able to hurt myself if I don't like the results it's painful..I mean my mom even got angry...not about the same thing as me.. but she was upset.. I mean I haven't been there for her at all because i can't.. I can't believe everything that's happened you know? I can't believe any of it...and I want something more then what this all is..I want him to be put on the sex offenders list, and I want him to have a record for his crime.

so either way..I've cut myself since last I wrote.. Its too crazy to live without it for me..not at this time.. I mean if you look at everything its just like how do we let those things go? how do we allow ourselves feel emotions at all youknow? I dont know Im just like I dont think now is the time for me..
It's too difficult with court, with family problems..and with just life problems..that I think what I need to do first is find another way to approach this rather then trying to just quit like that.. I mean I had counselling this last Monday and I didn't go...I mean she was sick and everything. I kinda took that as this is not the time, im not ready.. I mean I probably really needed to talk to her.. but I didn't go there..she isn't there..

I wonder if I should be scared you know? how long will this effect my life.. and how will I tell people that love me..that i didn't stop..I didn't even last two days without it.. the moment something went wrong, or when everything went wrong it's all I could think about.. I couldn't call anyone, or go to anyone...because no one knew how I felt with everything...

im going to Ontario still..or in August..I mean.. Im going to visit some friends..and Im bringing along my brother and yeah that should be will be nice to get away... because I know how important this trip will be for me.. I mean my brother is coming with me..I thought about it.. When I was 18yrs old I moved to Ontario...and my brother just turned 18 and I wish I could leave him there..but I know I can' I just want him to get through life..hopefully find some better things to do with his life..maybe brighten his idea of life..because he hasn't really travelled.. he hasn't might the amazing people that are in my life..maybe it will change him in some way..
Im really excited about getting away..more excited to see my be back there.. I can picture it the beautiful views, the smiling faces, and the great love that is there.. Im talking about NLGH. Im super excited to share this experience with my brother..he will have a great time...

anyhow...Im just talking now...

im not sure if I'll stop..or when I stop...but one day it will just come by and I won't say anything.. it will just happen... for now this is what I still have... and Im ok with that..I mean im not happy about it but I know its' not going to be the end of the world for this situation with me right now..


Friday, July 11, 2008

ready to let it go

"Open Wounds"
In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??
You can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault.


please don't read this unless you are able to handle the words I am about to talk about..

"my will shall shape the future. whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."

It's hard to think of where to begin with all of this so Im going to write a long note and Im sharing these small details of my life..It started when I was about twelve years old it lasted until I am now twenty-three years old... something that has controlled my life for so long, something that has been there for me as easy access and as a lie of being helpful..I can hardly remember the first time I did it, but I remember the feeling as it came every time I continued to do it after that... I remember the relief that I felt, I remember the desire...and I remember the reaction of all those who love me...those who had to see me go through this difficult time...I dont want to alarm anyone I thought I could write this without saying what it was because a part of me doesn't want anyone to know...but some already im just going to talk about it...When I was twelve years old I was introduced to self-abuse.. Im not really sure who got me into it...but it became an addiction..a sense of relief in time of emotional became a best became my coping mechanism to really difficult times...It started with my hands.. I used to use exacto knives to slice my fingers and palms of my hands open...Im not sure if it was the blood I liked seeing, or the pain that I felt when I did it.. After a while I started burning trying to tattoo myself with a needle and fire.. then I started slicing up my one arm with exacto knives.. When I moved to Ontario that was something I had temporarily stopped but like all came back every so often...When I moved from Consecon to Oshawa... It came back into my life.. maybe it was because I felt guilty for the damage that my moving to Ontario had caused my family...or maybe it had to do with being emotionally turmoiled by the news that my youngest sister was sexually abused..It stayed that way...for about the three years that I lived in Ontario... I used to write in a journal about we had an english class..and I used to write about cutting, I used to write about self abuse, make poems and helplines and all that stuff about self-abuse... my counselor at the school had given me some giving me a number and checking in with her every week...It didn't work out...when I graduated school.. I moved to another part of Ontario... and got messed up in drinking for like six to eight months. One night...I felt really really low in my life...and some arguments had triggered some emotions that I did not want to feel...and the thoughts, the addiction came creeping up.. and I sliced my fingers open..but because it was cold, and I was drunk...I was bleeding really really bad, I walked home.. and realized that I needed to go to the hospital... I got I think seven to eight stitches on my fingers for that day...I never wanted to remember that day but because of the great danger I will never forget that day...I tried to quit drinking at that time because I realized how much abuse it was bringing into my life...When I moved back to did not change...when my cousin died I really got messed up with drinking..and I got really messed up with cutting.. no longer on my hands or my arms...because my brothers and sisters could see that.. I started cutting on my side...It carried on this way... for the last seven months that I have returned to Vancouver...It was not until recently that I started to see the harm that I brought onto my family members, and those that loved love..and my close friends... I did not want to see them see me suffer this way.. I am in counselling now..and we often talk about the day I'll be ready to let go of the blade that I used to cut myself in Ontario... thankfully she is a patient woman and does not demand it, she said when im ready...then she will be ready to take it from me...the last two days...the strong desire has come to my life that I want to let it go.. Im embarrassed by my scars, scared of what I might do if I continue to allow this thing to control my life, control my Im deciding on my own that I am going to let this thing go...remove it from my life...allow myself to be emotional at times of emotional states...allow myself to cry when I feel like crying...and try everything in my power to stop cutting myself, stop hitting things with my fist... so this is why im writing this is because Im ready...Im ready to make a world record of my life to stop cutting...I've only gone about a few weeks without cutting...the recent one I've done was just about a week or two ago.. im ready to stop and hope that it will wierd as this might be...these blades that I have mean something to me.. and i've never gone anywhere without them... so this will be alot different from what Im used too..however Im ready to start allowing myself to feel... allowing myself to get through this the way that I was meant too...just wanted to share that...thanks

Sunday, July 6, 2008

have you ever

Im stuck on this ring... about two weeks ago today.. I was in Victoria with my love..and we were walking along the seawall and I stopped at this jewellry stand..and found myself an amazing ring.. it fit so meant so much to me..Im not sure why it meant so much to me.. I dont get why I care about it so much.. however I had a really difficult night one night and took the ring off and I ended up losing it...I searched for it for so long but could not find it... Im disappointed in myself for losing the ring...
I mean...I get attached to a lot of things..but this ring..I mean the one day I was doing dishes I took off the ring and forgot about it..when I realized it was gone...I got really upset and almost started crying..I searched for it frantically..and found it..and swore to never take it off again, that was the night I took it off and lost it....

Im not sure why it meant so much to me...maybe it was because of how it fit on my finger.. maybe its because I was with my love when I got it...or maybe who really knows why it meant so much to me...

I was supposed to be back in Victoria get another ring for my love...but I didn't go because my love is away..and also I ended up spending a majority of my money on my new clothes and the paint for my pink room..Im changing the color to superman colors!! pretty awesome so far I love it...and can't wait to finish it tomorrow sometime...I dont know where Im sleeping tonight I guess in my hallway because my room is a mess with the clutter of al my stuff..

have you ever loved someone so much? I love is away and I have never had such a desire to have them with me.. I mean...when they were with me here at my house it was a constant battle of fighting because I'd get so moody only because as much as I loved having my love with me..I also loved my space you know? I mean I felt like I constantly had to entertain or had to be by my love's side...I mean I did not want my love to leave amazing it was to wake up with my love by my be have that love there... I could have stayed in bed all day just with my love...having them there with me...amazing...totally amazing..
However....I have a job and responsibiilities..i can't imagine how difficult it will be when I leave to Ontario for three days...I mean I can't imagine how Im going to sleep without my love by my side...
I considered taking my love with me to Ontario...but I realized that my brother Randy has not been on a plane or been anywhere far away..and I'd love for my friends in Ontario to meet my brother because he's so awesome...and he needs to get see the world...although its only Ontario..I know for me when I was 18yrs old to have been in Ontario it was a great experience.. I mean being at NLGH was amazing times...although if I could have been more open to the things that they had for me I could have been different then what I am now....

I mean it's just hard to believe that life I had you know? I mean..just thinking of it...having that time there...being was amazing...and I highly strongly request anyone who's never been there to go and visit...I mean it totally changes you...and our look at life... there's just something about that just really wonderful...I can't wait to take my brother there..

it's been two days since my love has been gone...and I found myself in a constant place of playback.. the last two weeks of my life...the last two weeks of waking up to my love... and the constant amazing nights we've had, the times away...and it's just wow you know? I find myself day dreaming of the past...smiling at funny moments...even though my love is not with me..I just can't help but smile...because my love brings so much joy into my life, it's almost as if they bring a greater atmosphere of greatness into my life.... I always look at my love...and just can't believe it you know? this great satisfaction...great reward of being in their life... I love it...and I love my love...the person I amazing...
my love understands that I have loved before....I loved one man at moments...I still love him... I call to him..but we are friends now...but I will always love that man in Ontario a piece of me will always love him...but Im growing out of that..but I think a part of me will always love him...

tonight there are hardly any stars out...but earlier there were...and i could not help but look up at the stars and just think of my love...where are you my love....are you thinking of me too? do you smile every time you think of me? I love my love so much....sometimes I can't stand it I feel like I go crazy!

I love you! my sweet love! I love you BSAWS! you are my love! I'm missing you and can't wait till the day I see you again!!!!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

all destroyed

Things are pretty if only it were that way and that were all true...
My brother ended up drinking lastnight so I sat with him and helped him drink his bottle because I didn't want him drinkingi it.. so I helped him with it.. I did not want too drink but I also did not want him to drink it...

my life has fallen to pieces..but I guess when has it not fallen apart you know? I made some decisions and fell in love... I realize now's not all that great to be the way that I am. All this time thinking that I loved my life..thinking that I loved my work my realizing that it's all been a fake ideal of what should be... I ended up dealing with my one friend who got messed up on drugs and I took care of him..I was angry.. but concerned as well.. It's not fun when I have friends who do those sorts of actually really destroys me.. not a lot of things can do that...but when I have friends who make those decisions then I get really upset..

on canada day...everything fell apart..apart from having the love of mine with me.. I was with people that ruined everything for me and I got sad.. but man alive... to be with someone you love.. it's an amazing feeling... sometimes I find myself...just looking at them.. with this constant satisfaction of love...knowing that I am loved by them..and that I love them too.. it's an amazing feeling and yet... at the same time..I lose it all too... I mean.. I can't explain this thing.. but I love it..and I just am completely destroyed when it comes to my love.. my love can really mess me up you know? I find myself falling apart in their arms... just being in their presence brings a great satisfaction to my life... when Im with my love...I no longer think of all these terrible things that are going on in my life...all's I think about is how amazing my love is...and how Im going to just be so in love...

Other then my great love...

my family is alright..I guess Im strongly considering moving in with my uncle because he needs my help..the only problem i have with that is that he lives so far away...but I also want to help him with everything that I got...and if this is it then this is it... I don't want too believe me I don't but I also love my uncle too much to let him have to deal with these things...maybe I'll try it out sometime in august..
family is good I guess...I don't see them all that much..I mean I was so excited for them to be out of school...just to find out that Im busy with my work that I have had no time to see them and it's makes me real sad not to see them...but I know I'll see them eventually..and I try my best to see them in the days..

my friend Rachael came to vancouver like last weekend...I seen her for a bit but I did not see her much.. I had a hard time being out with her because I knew that she seen and heard my heart of not really or not at all following God.. she asked me why and I did not know what to say... I mean I honestly just see things that I didn't see before you know? and even then I just Im not enjoying my life...but things are good in my life..I have a job, a love, and my family... what else could I ask for?

I probably already said this...but I had this thing...about a week ago... some things triggered my desire to cut..and I did it... it had been over a month or so since I had cut and this cut was deeper then anything I've ever felt..or seen. I could not believe I did it...but I felt my attitude would not change until I did it, and when I attitude was back to if everything was great and couldn't be love checked before I had done it, my love always is concerned about that but I also tell my love that I would not do it...but I did not tell my love about what had happened at work, or what happened a couple weeks earlier..and how everything just became so overwhelming..all these hidden secrets..all this pain that I have not shared with all finally came out that night..I turned to my cousin and I told him everything and he was upset with the world..but I told him that i'll be alright..that I did what I had to do...

anyhow..i gotta stop talking about that

my uncle visited us today..I miss him so much and I can't wait to go and see him.. I was glad to see him today..,I woke up early to see him but I did not get to shower or anything..I had to wake up all the other kids..

but I miss him..I love him to pieces and Im glad that he's around...I love my uncles alot.. and I hope that I can go see my uncle the next time my other uncle goes to see him... I really miss seeing him...

everyone is up now..I gotta go