silence

I spent so much of my time thinking.... taking in all the actions of others. I tried to no I didn't try to stay positive. Because for the first time. I'm seeing this in a way that causes me more pain..

I fell in love with her. The ideas of our future. I spent the last year pouring my heart an soul into this person. Feeling like I was being heard. That she had felt the same way. We were working on this awesome path

There were moments.. I literally can almost name them. When my presence in her life was the light of her world. Where just by merely holding my hand or laying on my chest was enough to rock her world. 

I never thought it would not go thst way. I never thought it would end. I thought this was forever.

But this month has been more of a reality check of the pain I'm enduring. I'm slipping further into wanting to commit suicide wanting to end my life because I feel like it's never gonna happen.

When I asked her out. She had said she wanted to be my everything. An to this day... I have nothing unless it's with her. She has embedded herself into everything I see. Feel. Smell. Touch. I'm completely involved with her. 

An seeing it now. I don't think it's mutual. I don't know what my expectations would have been or even what her expectations of me would have been. 

I dont know how the silence. The bailing on seeing me. The constant excuses for wanting it to be settled or better. 

If we took the last year. I'd say it's not ever going to be perfect. An that what I understood because I knew what I was getting into. I knew it would be difficult. 

You know there was 2 people I'd say in my whole life that I loved more deeply than this. One of them is my best friend an the other is someone I'll likely never see again.

But the trust. Devotion I had in them. Was beyond any measure of trust. Commitment. Anything an no one in my current life has this kind of love an devotion from me. An there's a reason for that.

However my current partner had said she wanted to be that for me. She had said she wanted to be what they were to me. An there were moments moments where I'd see it.

I loved that part of her. Just as much as I'd loved her letting me be there for her. Letting me hold her. Support her more closely than I have now. 

In my mind there's a reason this has happened an in her mind she thinks it's totally fine to treat me this way without even giving me a 2nd thought. 

I spent today. For the first time not responding. I stayed busy. I kept up with my day but I found myself struggling all day.....all day of what do I say. What will be enough an I asked for advice an no one could give any advice an I got nothing. An so I said nothing 

Cause I'm not in her world. I'm not in her home. For a long time she had said... our family. Our future is what she wants. But hasn't made effort to bring it to life. She has no problem causing me pain. No problem keeping me out of it all. An when I try say anything I get nothing. An so I'm in the dark.

The silence kills me. The pain of what or who or whatever she is talking to or counting on is not me. An I'm hurting an she doesn't care.

I got advice yesterday that made me see things in a different way but in such it makes me wish i was dead. Why did I do this. Why did I think I wanted this. An why is it so hard to let go. The idea of letting go makes me want to harm myself just to avoid the idea of what letting go will look like. 

Idk how to get thro this. An I dont know how she can have all this faith in forever when she doesn't even give me a day. An hour. A minute of her life. How can we be forever if the basic necessity of a relationship of any kind are not present because I'm hurting. I'm hurting here an my heart is being crushed. An I dont know how to survive the heartache. I literally have a plan for the first time an that is not good because if thus goes any other way I dont think I'll be able to come back from this.