So... it's been on my mind an because I can't email. Text or call I throw this to the universe.
I met someone wow...over 10 yrs ago... she came into my life when everything was falling apart. Where I was literally tearing at the seams. My life was choking me to death. I had gone through some traumatic stuff that I hope to not have to repeat ever.
Regardless I was supposed to work on some project for our mutual friend... and I had just found out this shitty new . An for whatever reason I totally just broke down an spilled the beans about everything to this person I knew for only short amount of time...
I'll tell you I never imagined that 10 yrs later she would forever be embedded in my soul. I literally put this woman through the hell an back rollercoaster. I was struggling so hard to find something to live for, for something to have meaning in my life. I was filled with guilt. I was filled with shame. An I was tormented by the decisions I had made in my life.
But through it all this amazing woman would not give up on me. I dont know why or how or for what reason but thinking back on it now.. I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am to have her.
Regardless I guess you get the just of her... an the love an empowerment I feel regarding my relationship with her.
I just want the universe to give her love...joy an happiness. For giving me a chance after chance. For being a huge part of my success story.
If not for her faith and love with me... I would not be here today.
I guess the reason it's on my mind... is because recently I went through something with family drama... an for the first time in a REALLY long time I had the addictive destructive urges I once had.. an it made me wish I could pick up the phone just to hear her voice. Just to hear her say she loved me or that everything was going to be ok.
Regardless I didnt do anything. Except look into my sons eyes an give him a really big hug..
Everything I do now effects him. So believe me.. true mom through an through an the urges left or subsided.
But i dont want it to effect my life to have power of me. Which is why im writing the world hoping to release it from my house.
An to shout out to the woman I will love forever. She is forever engraved on my soul. I will never forget. An I hope one day I can return her kindness an love.
Thx
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Family drama
Family drama.. constant thing in life, it's always someone is selfish, someone is purposely hurting someone else.
So when I was younger early adult hood.. I confessed something to someone I trusted... the worst part of it was I regret it.. regardless I basically made a suicide pact with a friend. My life was ugly... I was ashamed of who I was, an I was tired of being belittled an hurt by my moms boyfriend. I had started self harming years earlier an it was intense. My friend life was just as terrible as mine.. so we made a suicide blood pact to end our lives.
I told a friend I trusted about everything all the pain in my heart an soul. The shame an just everything. This friend of mine heard about this place in Ontario. It was a place to help girls with their life controlling problems. Ranging from addictions, abuse an trauma the main focus was christianity an acceptance within jesus or God.
My friend helped me make the decision to give it a try rather than ending my life. So by the time I turned 18 yrs old I decided to check out this program. My friend then was drawn to help me an support me? She paid for my first bit to get into the program an she also paid my plane ticket to fly across canada.
It was the hardest scariest decision I had ever made in my life but I did it because I decided I wanted to live. I decided that I no longer wanted to die. An my only idea of getting out of it was getting help.
Regardless I was gone... I packed up one suitcase an left. I left the only city I had ever grown up in, I left my brothers an sisters, an I left my mom.
I thought it was the right thing to do for myself.. I didnt see it as being selfish, or not caring for my brothers an sisters. In my eyes I was doing this for them. I didn't want my addictions anymore, I found light, hope, in the grace of God.
I left for Ontario for 5 yrs.
I came back to British Columbia because of the traumatic events happening in my family. It was the hardest thing I had to do. In Ontario I was happy, in ontario I was living. I felt that I met the love of my life, I felt like I knew the direction my life was meant to go. But I gave it up to come back home.
Was hard...
But I made it work... I worked very hard to build my way back into my families lives..
But sadly... the hardest part of it all... is my brother an sister hold it over my head.. about leaving. Even though they are adults now how could they not see it. I've told them repeatedly the situation I was in...
Even returning to BC i had a hard time adjusting.. I went back to my old ways.. I think it nearly killed me again.. until my big fall..
Since then I've been present... I've been clean and sober an its not even what I think about. You know when people are new to not drinking an something bad happens they immediately think about drinking. Im far past that.
I've been able to stay clean and sober. An it took approx 17 yrs for me to let go of my self harm stuff. I worked so hard to build up my life in BC... including letting go of the person I thought I was meant to love forever in Ontario.
An even in all that. My brother an sister still attack me with their thoughts an hurts of feeling abandoned. Feeling like I didnt love them. An it hurts like hell. I worked so hard to build my life here.. an am so sad it's been I think just over 10 yrs since I returned.
Got to go my son won't let me write
So when I was younger early adult hood.. I confessed something to someone I trusted... the worst part of it was I regret it.. regardless I basically made a suicide pact with a friend. My life was ugly... I was ashamed of who I was, an I was tired of being belittled an hurt by my moms boyfriend. I had started self harming years earlier an it was intense. My friend life was just as terrible as mine.. so we made a suicide blood pact to end our lives.
I told a friend I trusted about everything all the pain in my heart an soul. The shame an just everything. This friend of mine heard about this place in Ontario. It was a place to help girls with their life controlling problems. Ranging from addictions, abuse an trauma the main focus was christianity an acceptance within jesus or God.
My friend helped me make the decision to give it a try rather than ending my life. So by the time I turned 18 yrs old I decided to check out this program. My friend then was drawn to help me an support me? She paid for my first bit to get into the program an she also paid my plane ticket to fly across canada.
It was the hardest scariest decision I had ever made in my life but I did it because I decided I wanted to live. I decided that I no longer wanted to die. An my only idea of getting out of it was getting help.
Regardless I was gone... I packed up one suitcase an left. I left the only city I had ever grown up in, I left my brothers an sisters, an I left my mom.
I thought it was the right thing to do for myself.. I didnt see it as being selfish, or not caring for my brothers an sisters. In my eyes I was doing this for them. I didn't want my addictions anymore, I found light, hope, in the grace of God.
I left for Ontario for 5 yrs.
I came back to British Columbia because of the traumatic events happening in my family. It was the hardest thing I had to do. In Ontario I was happy, in ontario I was living. I felt that I met the love of my life, I felt like I knew the direction my life was meant to go. But I gave it up to come back home.
Was hard...
But I made it work... I worked very hard to build my way back into my families lives..
But sadly... the hardest part of it all... is my brother an sister hold it over my head.. about leaving. Even though they are adults now how could they not see it. I've told them repeatedly the situation I was in...
Even returning to BC i had a hard time adjusting.. I went back to my old ways.. I think it nearly killed me again.. until my big fall..
Since then I've been present... I've been clean and sober an its not even what I think about. You know when people are new to not drinking an something bad happens they immediately think about drinking. Im far past that.
I've been able to stay clean and sober. An it took approx 17 yrs for me to let go of my self harm stuff. I worked so hard to build up my life in BC... including letting go of the person I thought I was meant to love forever in Ontario.
An even in all that. My brother an sister still attack me with their thoughts an hurts of feeling abandoned. Feeling like I didnt love them. An it hurts like hell. I worked so hard to build my life here.. an am so sad it's been I think just over 10 yrs since I returned.
Got to go my son won't let me write
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Missing you
In the midst of all the chaos I hold onto hope that I'll see you again..
I miss you an have you in my thoughts. Always thinking maybe tomorrow you'll call or email.
I cannot express how much I love you. I miss you.. just wanted to share that with the universe
I miss you an have you in my thoughts. Always thinking maybe tomorrow you'll call or email.
I cannot express how much I love you. I miss you.. just wanted to share that with the universe
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
self destruction
I'm honestly grateful that in all my past of self destructive behaviour I was able to stay away from the hardcore addictive drugs.
I'm sad to say that I am watching a repeat happen of one of my family members being addicted to drugs and the stories, or bs that comes out of her mouth I just wonder if she knows what she is saying to us?
It's so terrible to watch her destroy herself and be absolutely helpless, voiceless, theres nothing I can do or say that would make her want to change or seek help. I basically have to stand by and watch her go through this. and be consistent in my "tough love" no I'm not giving you money, and no I cannot do this that or the other thing for you.
I worry about her the way I worried about my older sister... and now because I work in the dtes, I am always aware of what's going on, and who's what where when. and there are a lot of terrible people int he world, and they go downtown looking to cause harm.
the hardest stuff is recently finding out that Heroin which is a highly addictive drug, when I was a teenager I read all about those drugs, the effects, and the withdrawal etx. but I haven't done that in a long while, I wondered how long it lasted like the high lasted.. and I was surprised to hear or read it says like 30 mins! so someone has to spend 7-15 dollars every 30 mins just to maintain their high, as well as I'm sure they end up upping the dosage through continued use which means more money!
how does anyone be able to support their habit? I understand stealing and selling stuff, or begging for change, or collecting bottles, but how does anyone want or desire or need to go through that.
I feel like I've seen my sister hurting for dope more than actually doing it.. and even in her lowest of lows she won't seek help, and she believes that we (my family) is all here just laughing at her failure and I thought.. why would we be proud of something like this? we are all feeling like we failed, or something because she just started this heroin stuff a year ago, an now its completely out of control and destroying her life.
you know I hate the way she is now.. it's like not even knowing who she is anymore.. I wish I could help her, I wish I could get through to her. but I can't. I just I'm completely blown away that of all things that she could have done she did this!
I guess her feelings of abandonment were real, and her then boyfriend told her to do the drugs, told her if anything she should do them while he is doing it. and then they broke up and he's not doing drugs, and she is completely lost in those drugs.
I don't know what to do.... I don't know what to think. I'm worried, scared, and I don't want to lose my sister. I just wish there was something, or someway of getting through to her.. besides just standing by and watching her go through this.
thats all that Im gonna say
I'm sad to say that I am watching a repeat happen of one of my family members being addicted to drugs and the stories, or bs that comes out of her mouth I just wonder if she knows what she is saying to us?
It's so terrible to watch her destroy herself and be absolutely helpless, voiceless, theres nothing I can do or say that would make her want to change or seek help. I basically have to stand by and watch her go through this. and be consistent in my "tough love" no I'm not giving you money, and no I cannot do this that or the other thing for you.
I worry about her the way I worried about my older sister... and now because I work in the dtes, I am always aware of what's going on, and who's what where when. and there are a lot of terrible people int he world, and they go downtown looking to cause harm.
the hardest stuff is recently finding out that Heroin which is a highly addictive drug, when I was a teenager I read all about those drugs, the effects, and the withdrawal etx. but I haven't done that in a long while, I wondered how long it lasted like the high lasted.. and I was surprised to hear or read it says like 30 mins! so someone has to spend 7-15 dollars every 30 mins just to maintain their high, as well as I'm sure they end up upping the dosage through continued use which means more money!
how does anyone be able to support their habit? I understand stealing and selling stuff, or begging for change, or collecting bottles, but how does anyone want or desire or need to go through that.
I feel like I've seen my sister hurting for dope more than actually doing it.. and even in her lowest of lows she won't seek help, and she believes that we (my family) is all here just laughing at her failure and I thought.. why would we be proud of something like this? we are all feeling like we failed, or something because she just started this heroin stuff a year ago, an now its completely out of control and destroying her life.
you know I hate the way she is now.. it's like not even knowing who she is anymore.. I wish I could help her, I wish I could get through to her. but I can't. I just I'm completely blown away that of all things that she could have done she did this!
I guess her feelings of abandonment were real, and her then boyfriend told her to do the drugs, told her if anything she should do them while he is doing it. and then they broke up and he's not doing drugs, and she is completely lost in those drugs.
I don't know what to do.... I don't know what to think. I'm worried, scared, and I don't want to lose my sister. I just wish there was something, or someway of getting through to her.. besides just standing by and watching her go through this.
thats all that Im gonna say
Friday, March 22, 2019
she blames me
on a separate note..
I think it took her over 20 years.. to say this to my face..
but for the first time hearing it from anyone..
I am being blamed for what happened to her over 20 years ago..
of all things that can break me this should have..
But I look at my kid and I know.. i have to be strong for him!
and so for now I severed all ties with my sister because i can't handle the shit she says, and I can't stand or forgive her for what she said.. even if it was out of anger? frustration whatever the shit is..
I can't shake what was said and I hope to never think of it again by writing it here.. and hopefully leaving it here.
something difficult
so... I have wanted and yearned to write but avoided it.. because I don't really want to say it! but its at a boiling point for me now..
on top of all the shitty things in my life.. actually no not the shitty things.. cause honestly this time has shown me how strong I am on my own, and how i don't need anyone. being a single mother, working full time, and dealing with my high stress job, and staying close to my family, and maybe once a month finding one night out for myself.. well I'm a fuckin rock star of greatness
but...
even in all my strength.. one thing weakens me.. one thing that is like kryptonite to superman, this is my kryptonite and its relationships.. not intimate ones.. believe me I'm far from ever wanting that.. it's hard enough life don't need it more complicated.
however friendships.. people I loved and adored for what 8 yrs? friendships, connections that have gone very deep within my soul, rooted in all my beauty of love and devotion, commitment etc?
all of these connections, all these lasting connections I thought I had.. vanished! literally vanished! I recently wrote a post on Facebook asking if anyone would be willing to go stand with me in court and very very very (one) responded to say yes. it showed me for the first time..
all those wonderful people I spent years admiring are gone..
life changes.. cycle changes? whatever the fuck changes.. fuck changes!
it happens often.. and its part of life.. its part of reality of our lives, and its my human being soul piece to miss, want, and yearn for that connection, to want to avoid that change. but reality is sinking in.. that those people I loved.. are gone
the only thing I have as their memory is memories itself.. once upon time we were there, or hearing their voice, feeling their eyes.. whatever the fuck it is..
I hate it!
yes in a way it's my way of saying I miss them. but I'm in a place right now where I hate them! I hate that I became vulnerable, I hate that I loved them, and let them love me! I hate that I spent years of my life connecting, and everything just to see it gone..
it happened when I was younger too..
all those beautiful relationships I had for years on years is also gone.. and it's part of life. believe I've been through it!
but this I thought was different.. I thought these lasting connections could handle a bomb, a natural disaster I thought it was going to be forever..
regardless it's not. and I hate it.. I hate how I am reminded of it.. of them. and of their love and connection, I hate that on my birthday a day we usually celebrated no one even remembered my birthday, some who were close to me all those years told me after my birthday happy birthday.. and that hurt like hell. like I had never mattered.
regardless I feel haunted.. yes it's good to feel those feeling and remember who I was so many years ago, but when will it stop? it's hard enough to go through it and go through it alone nonetheless.
being a mom now.. my life is different...
I can't even describe the differences.. and how hard it is to find the balance... I am beyond lucky for my job because they have supported me being a new mom, and allowed me to be there when I can, and away when I need to be..
other than work!
its a full time job taking care of my little one! I cannot believe how long him and I have been together, I love that he loves me so much! and hopefully he knows how much i love him! I can't describe what it's like to look into his eyes, or to have him do something just to see me smile, or reach out for me because I am truly the only person who can comfort him. I am beyond grateful
and maybe all those lasting relationships led me here.. led me to connect with my LO, led me to feel what I feel, and maybe made me feel like I never want to leave him.. One day he will leave me and I will still be here when he comes back, because there is nothing more powerful than my love for him!.
I don't know..
its been the weirdest time of my life! and for me he is all that matters..
its just hard to drive by places and see where I was, and who I was so many years ago.. and to be where I am today.. I cannot describe that feeling..
I just keep moving forward and do what I can.. but I still feel this pain? this hardship towards relationships, or being wounded by what I've gone through in the past year.
I'm having a hard time learning to cope with my current situation, and to let go of those people who I love and will forever love, but I also hate because we likely never will be where we were again, and yes that's a good thing but I had high hopes for our future and now it's shattered, and I don't know what my future is anymore
all's I know is apart from that heartache,.. I am in a place where I need no one, and only one person needs me.. and he is with me everyday..
it's just different. it's change... change is not fun.. but I am trying to be ok...
I love you! always and will be here always if you ever need me!
on top of all the shitty things in my life.. actually no not the shitty things.. cause honestly this time has shown me how strong I am on my own, and how i don't need anyone. being a single mother, working full time, and dealing with my high stress job, and staying close to my family, and maybe once a month finding one night out for myself.. well I'm a fuckin rock star of greatness
but...
even in all my strength.. one thing weakens me.. one thing that is like kryptonite to superman, this is my kryptonite and its relationships.. not intimate ones.. believe me I'm far from ever wanting that.. it's hard enough life don't need it more complicated.
however friendships.. people I loved and adored for what 8 yrs? friendships, connections that have gone very deep within my soul, rooted in all my beauty of love and devotion, commitment etc?
all of these connections, all these lasting connections I thought I had.. vanished! literally vanished! I recently wrote a post on Facebook asking if anyone would be willing to go stand with me in court and very very very (one) responded to say yes. it showed me for the first time..
all those wonderful people I spent years admiring are gone..
life changes.. cycle changes? whatever the fuck changes.. fuck changes!
it happens often.. and its part of life.. its part of reality of our lives, and its my human being soul piece to miss, want, and yearn for that connection, to want to avoid that change. but reality is sinking in.. that those people I loved.. are gone
the only thing I have as their memory is memories itself.. once upon time we were there, or hearing their voice, feeling their eyes.. whatever the fuck it is..
I hate it!
yes in a way it's my way of saying I miss them. but I'm in a place right now where I hate them! I hate that I became vulnerable, I hate that I loved them, and let them love me! I hate that I spent years of my life connecting, and everything just to see it gone..
it happened when I was younger too..
all those beautiful relationships I had for years on years is also gone.. and it's part of life. believe I've been through it!
but this I thought was different.. I thought these lasting connections could handle a bomb, a natural disaster I thought it was going to be forever..
regardless it's not. and I hate it.. I hate how I am reminded of it.. of them. and of their love and connection, I hate that on my birthday a day we usually celebrated no one even remembered my birthday, some who were close to me all those years told me after my birthday happy birthday.. and that hurt like hell. like I had never mattered.
regardless I feel haunted.. yes it's good to feel those feeling and remember who I was so many years ago, but when will it stop? it's hard enough to go through it and go through it alone nonetheless.
being a mom now.. my life is different...
I can't even describe the differences.. and how hard it is to find the balance... I am beyond lucky for my job because they have supported me being a new mom, and allowed me to be there when I can, and away when I need to be..
other than work!
its a full time job taking care of my little one! I cannot believe how long him and I have been together, I love that he loves me so much! and hopefully he knows how much i love him! I can't describe what it's like to look into his eyes, or to have him do something just to see me smile, or reach out for me because I am truly the only person who can comfort him. I am beyond grateful
and maybe all those lasting relationships led me here.. led me to connect with my LO, led me to feel what I feel, and maybe made me feel like I never want to leave him.. One day he will leave me and I will still be here when he comes back, because there is nothing more powerful than my love for him!.
I don't know..
its been the weirdest time of my life! and for me he is all that matters..
its just hard to drive by places and see where I was, and who I was so many years ago.. and to be where I am today.. I cannot describe that feeling..
I just keep moving forward and do what I can.. but I still feel this pain? this hardship towards relationships, or being wounded by what I've gone through in the past year.
I'm having a hard time learning to cope with my current situation, and to let go of those people who I love and will forever love, but I also hate because we likely never will be where we were again, and yes that's a good thing but I had high hopes for our future and now it's shattered, and I don't know what my future is anymore
all's I know is apart from that heartache,.. I am in a place where I need no one, and only one person needs me.. and he is with me everyday..
it's just different. it's change... change is not fun.. but I am trying to be ok...
I love you! always and will be here always if you ever need me!
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
harsh reality
Its been a long time.... I kind of haven't found the time or want to have the time to sit an write.. but my heart is full of whatever and I have to say it before anything else..
the past 15 months of my life I have given to this kid... not my kid.. my nephew... I decided to take him on full time.. and at first I had no idea it would be this long! when we orginially discussed this it would be only 3 months..
instead his mother... decided to go down a different path.. I had not seen her for a long time.. I ended up finding out that she's been using drugs.. not only that but that she is getting so deep into drugs that she's losing herself.. losing weight, losing family, friends, her desperation that she has when she is asking for $5.
I spent my time taking care of her son... routine and consistency which I read helps his development an for him to have a routine etx.
When he was born.. I knew I wanted to become a parent.. I knew that I wanted to be someone like this.. how beautiful it was to watch him come into the world.. how amazing it was for the last 18 months watching him grow..
regardless when he was placed with me.. it was hard at first... I had to leave my job.. I had to risk everything I had to be there for him.. and no doubt I would do it again.. but I just am sad... sad that his own mother is making the choices she's making.
I'm trying to stand strong an be there for him.. love him as though he were my own son, or hear him call me mama.. when he started this at first I was excited.. just for him to acknowledge or understand that I was here for him the way a mother is.
I tried for months with his mother.. battling her and her own demons.. asking her to just sign him over to me.. so that I could move on with my life without all this worry and looking over my shoulder to see if she was gonna clean herself up.. all her games... at first she would say yes she would and then she would change her mind lat minute. I finally gave up!
I said if an when this happens I'm not gonna worry.. it will be as it should...
then I got the email, or call.. things were going to change... I had another home visit with a social worker, and I was given court documents basically stating what we all knew was coming..
However... for some idiotic reason I decided to ask for a letter of support.. under the circumstances that his mother, is drinking, using drugs and throwing her life away.. maybe one day she will get better or maybe she will smarten up.. but maybe that would take her 15 yrs to beat.
I know addiction all to well.. I know how it sinks its teeth into the vulnerable.. and I know the pains that she would be feeling if she didn't get her hoot? hit? bump? whatever it was.
regardless.. its been almost a year since I seen her.. and when I finally did this past weekend... my heart dropped.. I wanted to grab her an slap her in the face and tell her to wake up.. her and I had this conversation already... about how she looks.. I hadn't actually seen her, but I imagined the addiction controlling her life..
anyway when I seen her... I just heartbroken.. how can she be so taken.. so broken? so easily giving up on herself.. on her kid.
I have supported so many people in my life, some who battle addiction.. and it's hard as is.. but when it's someone who is related to me.. its heartbreaking...
I could show you a picture of her a year ago! compared to today and you would be astonished how quickly she has deteriorated..
Anyway off topic.. regardless I decided to ask for a support letter.. agreeing that the temporary guardianship is the right move for the kid.. and instead the response was that no matter what I do the kid will always be returned to the mother... its the obvious solution.
As much as this is true! according to these experts... think of the word mother... maybe not in the literal sense of birth of the child.. but in the definition... this kid has been with me since he was 3 months old... growing up thinking I am his mother..
they talk about returning him one day! maybe maybe not.. but what is best for the kid? can I give him a good life? could I be there for him forever? could I love him unconditionally without limits etc? could I see him going an finishing school? or at least of all things grow up without the drugs and alcohol the way I did.
I mean reality is I did tell his mother the day she cleans up does well with her life.. I will give him back... I do want her to have a good life and a chance at giving him a great life.. but that was before i seen what I have seen now.. its hard to see that she will ever be in a place that would be good for him..
I guess I just need to adjust my thinking and focus on him and what i can impact in his life right now or in the near future. even if I can guarantee to love him forever, or be there for him forever I feel like thats enough? even if he's not with me forever. he is because Im still related to him and maybe one I will be close with his mom again, once upon a time.. she and I were close.. I remember the day she was born.. she helped change me.. just by being born.
anyway thats another story.. I just having hard time living in the now.. I want to see the future or know it all now rather than waiting.. ahaha
the past 15 months of my life I have given to this kid... not my kid.. my nephew... I decided to take him on full time.. and at first I had no idea it would be this long! when we orginially discussed this it would be only 3 months..
instead his mother... decided to go down a different path.. I had not seen her for a long time.. I ended up finding out that she's been using drugs.. not only that but that she is getting so deep into drugs that she's losing herself.. losing weight, losing family, friends, her desperation that she has when she is asking for $5.
I spent my time taking care of her son... routine and consistency which I read helps his development an for him to have a routine etx.
When he was born.. I knew I wanted to become a parent.. I knew that I wanted to be someone like this.. how beautiful it was to watch him come into the world.. how amazing it was for the last 18 months watching him grow..
regardless when he was placed with me.. it was hard at first... I had to leave my job.. I had to risk everything I had to be there for him.. and no doubt I would do it again.. but I just am sad... sad that his own mother is making the choices she's making.
I'm trying to stand strong an be there for him.. love him as though he were my own son, or hear him call me mama.. when he started this at first I was excited.. just for him to acknowledge or understand that I was here for him the way a mother is.
I tried for months with his mother.. battling her and her own demons.. asking her to just sign him over to me.. so that I could move on with my life without all this worry and looking over my shoulder to see if she was gonna clean herself up.. all her games... at first she would say yes she would and then she would change her mind lat minute. I finally gave up!
I said if an when this happens I'm not gonna worry.. it will be as it should...
then I got the email, or call.. things were going to change... I had another home visit with a social worker, and I was given court documents basically stating what we all knew was coming..
However... for some idiotic reason I decided to ask for a letter of support.. under the circumstances that his mother, is drinking, using drugs and throwing her life away.. maybe one day she will get better or maybe she will smarten up.. but maybe that would take her 15 yrs to beat.
I know addiction all to well.. I know how it sinks its teeth into the vulnerable.. and I know the pains that she would be feeling if she didn't get her hoot? hit? bump? whatever it was.
regardless.. its been almost a year since I seen her.. and when I finally did this past weekend... my heart dropped.. I wanted to grab her an slap her in the face and tell her to wake up.. her and I had this conversation already... about how she looks.. I hadn't actually seen her, but I imagined the addiction controlling her life..
anyway when I seen her... I just heartbroken.. how can she be so taken.. so broken? so easily giving up on herself.. on her kid.
I have supported so many people in my life, some who battle addiction.. and it's hard as is.. but when it's someone who is related to me.. its heartbreaking...
I could show you a picture of her a year ago! compared to today and you would be astonished how quickly she has deteriorated..
Anyway off topic.. regardless I decided to ask for a support letter.. agreeing that the temporary guardianship is the right move for the kid.. and instead the response was that no matter what I do the kid will always be returned to the mother... its the obvious solution.
As much as this is true! according to these experts... think of the word mother... maybe not in the literal sense of birth of the child.. but in the definition... this kid has been with me since he was 3 months old... growing up thinking I am his mother..
they talk about returning him one day! maybe maybe not.. but what is best for the kid? can I give him a good life? could I be there for him forever? could I love him unconditionally without limits etc? could I see him going an finishing school? or at least of all things grow up without the drugs and alcohol the way I did.
I mean reality is I did tell his mother the day she cleans up does well with her life.. I will give him back... I do want her to have a good life and a chance at giving him a great life.. but that was before i seen what I have seen now.. its hard to see that she will ever be in a place that would be good for him..
I guess I just need to adjust my thinking and focus on him and what i can impact in his life right now or in the near future. even if I can guarantee to love him forever, or be there for him forever I feel like thats enough? even if he's not with me forever. he is because Im still related to him and maybe one I will be close with his mom again, once upon a time.. she and I were close.. I remember the day she was born.. she helped change me.. just by being born.
anyway thats another story.. I just having hard time living in the now.. I want to see the future or know it all now rather than waiting.. ahaha
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