Soo... New year new goals??
I know I haven't written in a long while, my life has been crazy for the last few months.. I did the one thing I don't feel 100% comfortable about, but like all mothers doing what's best for their children. I make the sacrifice hoping it will benefit the kid in the long run
Regardless... I have been having weekly meetings as I am aiming to leave my job and do something completely different, something hopefully to empower, love, and appreciate first nation people.
the process has been long and in-depth look on my life...
I was asked.. to bridge the gap.. how do I become who I am today?
you know a lot of people I believe that were in my shoes are now making poor choices with addictions, or bad or poor relationships, or they are dead.
here I am still alive and doing ok. not perfect but not terrible.
I had to explain this...I had to explain why I am who I am today... and I have to be honest.. there is only one answer, it is by the Grace of God. when I was a young teen... I was introduced to Christianity of God or Jesus.. and shown a bunch of purity of love, trust and respect. items I had never felt before were now enriched in my bones, I yearned strived and wanted it all.
I spent a majority of my teen years trying to do the Christian thing, trying to be worthy of love? worthy of something?
Whatever it is that I was searching for.. it sent me to Ontario where I had felt that I knew my future, I knew what I wanted to be, I knew who I wanted to be, it was like a calling from God.. maybe? maybe not..cause I'm here.
I made the most difficult decision of my life.. I walked away from Ontario and came back to BC, and it was the hardest decision because I had plans, hopes, dreams, I had a future.. and I gave it all up to be back here. and sadly this is the way I will always see what I did.
However I do not regret this decision.. it's just hard to see it..
for me it's like being a baseball star, I was meant for so much, trained for it for so long and then all of sudden decided I wanted to become a surgeon or something.. I literally walked away from something beautiful, but I think it all worked out
Being here back in the city was an is difficult.I've been fortunate to surround myself with amazing people.. I'll never forget "my lady" the person that she is for me, and the person she is in general, her love is pure, her trust is real, and her dedication to me was amazing, I believe that she saved my life, and it wasn't that I worshipped her it was that I appreciated the love, the pure unconditional love that cannot be described it can only be felt.
I love her and will always love her. I miss her but of course she's in Ontario now.. and my life is different I can't pick up and go anymore.
I don't know how I survived.. I don't know why I am here.. but then when I wake up every day and I see my kid.. "the kid" I realize this must be it.. the reason I feel love, the reason I feel anything of good... coming from such trauma, turmoil etc and being able to rise above it. this is truly the Phoenix, rising from the ashes.
I believe now the reason I never died, I never ended it, is because I was meant to care for this child and hopefully I do that well, I mean I'll fail in a lot of ways but I hope to raise him to know Love, to feel it.
I know some people don't understand what I'm talking about. some people were probably raised properly? food in the fridge, bedtime stories at night, and family time, oh and drug and alcohol free. I was raised the other way, and by God's Grace I am here, I am where I am because of the amazing people he put in my life.
I just wanted to say that. it is thanks to him that I have all the people in my life, whether temporary or forever. I am grateful mainly for my lady, there is no greater love for me then her. and I don't know if anyone will ever understand that.
thanks
