Tuesday, June 30, 2009

it hurts

Im not going to lie on here..I never have..I had my fall to the ground my fear an all this stuff in my life utterly destroyed me...even destroyed my will to live..or believe in anything good ever happening to me...
All this stuff..all the beast of burden, all the pain I've suffered all the hurt...all the shame of the continued lies of things I've done, or how I feel...all those times of cutting,thinking of cutting, wanting to cut...or drinking wanting to drink...wanting to screw it all up an screw the world. screw my life...these things have not left me..it doesn't matter WHO is in my life.it doesn't matter what is said or who is there....it doesn't matter...I told the psych that it only takes a month before the desire for cutting comes back in my life...and Im freakin terrified...I feel like a failure. feel like the worst damn person in the the world...

Hold up..Hold up!

Beast needs to leave...

I need to say....that my life is freakin horrible! all this healing process all this fuckin pain! is so unbearable I want to turn back. I want to mess it all up! BUT GUESS WHAT! I can't an I won't because I fuckin believe in myself. I believe in what I can do...and I have reached out for help not just from friends, an these resources...an although at the moment Im not sure I can actually be going back to God! I swear, I curse, I hate an I feel so much pain! But you know what! there are convicts who have faith in God...who believe in second chances....well how many chances will God give us? well he's giving me another one here an now!
I found out from my sweet friend in Ontario...that the only way to heal from these FUCkin SCARS is in Christ...is to find my healing in him because it's only in him that I'll be whole. it's only in him that I'll find strength in these messed up scars!
So here I come! ready an willing....for the first time! here I am broken.. messed up...bruised, broken an bleeding! for the first time I have NOTHING to offer anyone, nothing to believe in but God!
There is no reason for my life of numbing these aches...NOTHING has eased my pain. no one can save me...no one on earth can bring me to goodness! it's only by ME! BY THOSE WHO PRAY FOR ME! THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN ME THAT I AM LIVING HERE AN NOW!

WiTHOUGH God's grace in my life...for him to send people like my lady in my life...for her to believe in me an love me....for her to love me an stand by me as messed up these last near five months have been! she has never left me, never let me feel alone! she has never let me become the beast...she has helped me find the belief in myself! I DONT CARE WHAT THE BEAST SAYS! I LOVE THAT GIRL AN IM NEVER EVER LETTING HER GO!!!

Goodness might fail me...good things might be ripped away from me...an people may an often will hurt me...but Im pushing past it...I don't care anymore....I dont want to be in the mindset of fear. I don't want to die. i dont want everything to mess up my life!

My sweet amazing friend mary is helping me too....this is where my faith begins to return...because she knows me just as much..she knows ALL OF EVERYTHING! NO secrets and now she's standing by me helping find my way through these events in my life! helping me praying for me an trying to figure out what I need help with! what is greater!

I am willing to live. willing to try! an now so many people are helping me pick up the broken pieces! of my life! of my heart!

I will get through this! I hated that people told me that getting back to living will hurt me..near destroy me even...but that the victory is coming! Im scared! but Im also not letting that fear guide me anymore...because the last time I let fear be my buddy i ended up with 34 stitches! i dont want that to happen!

I dont care what I have to do! I dont care how much it'll hurt! Im going to try! Im going to push through this! If I fail...then well I tried! I was the first of my family history that tried to get past all the drinking, all the hate an pain! I was the first one that went deeper then that! an if I dont survive! well I know that I tried! an Im never going to give up!

My life is worth more then words can ever say! I see my future! I dont know how it will be to get there but no matter what no matter the beast of burden Im going to fight!

I love my lady though! she is amazing! to have a friend an amazing woman like this in my life. has really been truly an utterly amazing! Im so glad to be her friend. for her to be by my side as I am by hers. I look forward to our victory dance ;) cause we are going to get through this! no matter what! she is truly an amazing person to have the courage an strength to stand by me in all this stuff! I could not be more blessed!

I have an appointment with a Pastor on Thursday! I hope people can pray for me! if this is God sending me back to church...let me feel the sense of God in this place! Because this is truly the first place of my true healing!


Thursday, June 25, 2009


This is my new word...im determind to find my way through all these freakin struggles! I got my favorite person Mary helping me find my way through each of these struggles...She's totally right that I have so much that I didn't deal with when I was in the home.. I wasn't willing because of fear...but now Im going to crush fear an freakin move from this cold season! Im going to make it through no matter what it takes.

I have hope..little hope...but it's growing each day as I continue to live, continue to not drink, not cut...there is a small seed of hope growing in my life that Im going to make it through all these events...Is that crazy??? Is it possible to make it through!

I tell you here an now...no matter what it takes...there is a lightness in my voice, a joy in my soul, each day the darkness the beast of burden is dying..I know that this not going to be forever an I know there may an will be a time when something bad is going to happen, something is going to hurt me, make me sad...but you know what I've become aware of how I feel, an how to express my feelings! So im not so worried..I also know I have so many people I can call anytime day or night, I have good support from my friend Krissy, an from my beautiful sweet amazing wonderful lady...Awe! (sigh) I can't tell you how great this woman is... just to think of it just makes me feel so great..she has become one of my greatest friends...she's walked with me through each horrible event in my life an has believed in me an helped carry me through all of this..

Now Im here! But guess what! Regardless of all the support I had...I made it here because I finally got tired of my old life. tired of drinking, tired of cutting, tired of tryin to numb the feelings, the pain, the hurt an the ache..instead Im facing each event with full speed of dealing with eachh of those things..why they are there..what I can do to make it through...an I only hope that I continue on this way of greatness...I can't tell you how great it feels to be alive! I mean everyday I never find a moment where Im bored...because Im constantly doing something that will better my health, better my physical healing, an my emotional healing.it's pretty exhausting though...but Im still facing these things continually an I love it!

Anyhow...I guess...telling more details would be nice because I love writing..

I've been outta the hospital maybe a week now...an the beginning it was so tough feeling scared to be out, scared of everything..but the time continued on an I started to become aware of my feelings, an aware of the people I want in my life.. I was able to see the goodness, the greatness of my heart, my life...my choices. my responsibilites..my joy! awe...it feels good to be here. it feels good to be living...it feels good to know that even through all these difficult times..I've had my lady stay with me..she has become a friend for life..loving me, laughing with me, surrounding me with her love, care an support..I feel her with me even when she's not with me..we have become so close..an I love it! I love it so much I wish I would've had more friends like this. Im so happy to have her. Im so happy that Im making it through these things..
Im not worried when she leaves..because I feel her with me..I carry her close to my heart an I cherish greatly. an Im not going to put myself ever in a situation where temptations, or anything that would make me feel like drinking or cutting. Im not going to do it....it's just because of my lady but honestly because Im tired of running from these feelings, tired of numbing myself an trying to hide when really...I have to face every fear, every ache...I now have an army of people fighting with me an for me..

I know everything will be okay..I know everything will be alright.. I know I feel it...Im vulnerable an breakable, an weak, but it's okay for now...because im starting to get the tools an knowledge of how to fight the beast, fight the darkness..an my amazing friend mary is going to help me find a proper help with a christian counselor...Im afraid of that because of some things I never wrote about here..but some things that I'll have to face, an bring before God...

No matter what happens...Im going to live!

I say it again No matter what happens Im going to LIVE!


Friday, June 19, 2009


Its three days now...three days I've been out...three days I've felt lost... three days i have not felt grounded or in the right state of mind. I wonder if my mind is actually a good thing or is it really like this.. I dont want to think about everything but at the same time I have nothing else to do. I can't go back to work and I may not even have my job much longer...I am pushing myself to go faster, do better...get outta this place... and yet really...I feel like Im exhausting myself with all these thoughts of doing better...
When I was in the hospital...It was easy for me to focus on me...but being out...I haven't focused on me at all..I'm thinking of my sister Im thinking of my family..Im being stuck here..and im hating it because it's also draining me.. Im not even healed at all and here I am trying to take on the whole world all over again...nothing has really changed about me...you know? the only thing thats changed is that I now have a large scar on my arm...thirty four stitches...good job.

I remember writing about how anxious I was to see it...to have some kind of feeling about the shit I did...but even when I looked at it...there was no feeling...no feeling of remorse no feeling of guilt no nothing....it's like...literally someone else was there when that was done, I dont remember doing it so it's hard to take responsibility for it when i dont remember it. i dont know maybe im crazy maybe soon enough it'll all come together of how i feel about this shit...
But i know...that as much as I say things are good. as much as im lying about everything..what more can anyone handle of this drama shit about me? there's nothing going on in my life. it's like being on a vacation thats been way too long and i just wanna go back to work. I even wanna leave everything... its like everything I worked towards fell to pieces, i fell to pieces.

How does someone recover from falling to pieces? how do I find balance? how do I know what Im thinking an not the other the darkness of me..the rage. the hate. how do I distinguish all of this.. and even then how do i lie? I have to lie until i tuesday. I have to do everything I can to avoid the black book. I have to avoid reading it, remembering it. I have to get through it till tuesday.... on tuesday judgement day..I dont care what happens tuesday I just need that black book to be taken care of..it's not about anything it's about everything..I need to tell someone about the black book. I need to tell someone what's really in there..because if I dont Im not sure I can make it...with whats in it..Im not sure how much longer it'll be okay.

I dont know how to get through all of this. Im not sure if it's possible..but im trying I guess that all that matters is that im trying...I normally would've given up..and have often thought about it but something...something is carrying me through... something is giving me some hope for tomorrow...or for next week... I just have to watch myself..I have to make sure i dont go crazy because more then enough I feel that way. I feel scared. I feel utter hopeless..people tellin me to have hope, people telling me to be strong... dont tell me these things there not helping... more an more as I realize Im not where I want to be, the more Im reminded Im not all I should be. this standard of excellence is bestowed in my own mind so im in a constant place of failure.

but i have to write good stuff... i have to say good stuff...but you know what i dont care.. i dont have a place. i dont have money. i dont have a job. all's I have are these scars...these disgusting scars...and it takes me watching people with scars to realize how monsterous I could become.. but im that person... i have to remember the words I wrote in the orange book. I have to remember that girl. that love. that hope. that strength in someone..in one lady..i have to remember that im worth it...im worth it because this one lady believed in me when i didn't believe. i have to try no matter what try remember the person she loves..the person i once was..


Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Im sad to report the events in my life...the things I've missed and the place I've been... I really got messed up and nearly... ended it all... I have thirty stitches, plus four more on top of it... I really did a number on myself...and have never truly been able to stop thinking about it..

I dont know the events that led me to this place...the events as follwed were really messed up. and I will be going through some therapy to try get the strength back in my left hand... hope to work soon enough..

I was committed I think on June 2.. have just gotten out...and a part of me sadly misses that place misses that support... I know lots of people tell me there thinking of me and sending me good thoughts...but I just am feeling lost... vulnerable even...

There's one lady...my lady....how many times do I have to say much I love and cherish her? to have someone stand by me in this time...this tragedy...and all's she see's is the victorious person I will be one day...she really believes in me..and for that I will be eternally grateful...because it helped me get to where I am now....

Im recovering from many losses and much pain emotional truama... everything. im trying to make it by as best as I can...

a part of me is still afraid though... i really have this other side of me that often haunted me and still is there..this dark side...this beast...the monster that I was raised to be.... all that time i thought I was superman but really im the villian...im destruction...and it hurts to know how crazy i was an how messed up i got...i often cry about the events in my life of the times I've hurt myself and not known really what i was doing but just knowing i needed the pain to stop..

i dont know what the future holds...I dont know what kind of future will be for me..but im trying to get there...i've got a lot of people trying to help me an a good friend...and one family member who is trying to help me.... but i try and just focus on me....focus on my issues, emotions, and just be mindful of whats happening now...not tomorrow not yesterday..what's happening now.. im very much wanting to live but still a part of me is darkness..and i hope as i've got all these resources of help. i hope i find my way through this...because i really want to be done trying to end my life..

either way...im out... tired

had a good day... my baby sister graduated elementry and is preparing for high school..i didn't miss this day and i could not be more proud of her because she truly is amazing and i know she will be great..she will do great in the times that come our way...i really am glad i didn't miss it.. and that i didn't do anything stupid earlier in this day...because i would've missed this event and it would've been so sad... but i didn't.. i was there..and i know she was happy to have me there..

its been an exhausting day for me...especailly with all the medications for pain, sleep, nerves etc.. but i just hope to heal quickly...and keep on keepin on ;)

i will find my way through this...but i do have to talk about the darkness...not now but sometime because it is still there...and it is still trying to squeeze its way into my thoughts, into my life, and events in my life...

good night