something ain't right

Maybe if I never wake up maybe it will be alright. Trying not to cry.

I have been fighting my fears..  fighting my truths. That I realized tonight that I don't matter to my partner the way I hoped too. 

Last year it was epic. She was present. She tried. An she showed up.  

Now... I can't talk to her. See her. Know whether she is alive or dead. 

I'm realizing that I allow her in my life in ways that I'll never be allowed in hers. 

I've got her in every aspect of my life. An yet that isn't mutual. 

Meaning I'm the only one in this relationship and I'm getting hurt more an more. 

It made me think of my lover in Ontario I fuckin loved thst person... loved in way that I've never loved before. An I never wanted it to be the end. I wanted forever. They wanted forever at least so they led me on to believe. 

One day our lives blew up an I was gone. An they were no where to be found.

Completely shattered.

But this relationship feels like that. May be why I'm fighting so hard to not end it. Because I want it to work. I want this to be the one

But I don't think it's true. An the more I'm fighting the reality the more I'm bleeding. 

I'm cutting more an more. Bleeding deeper an deeper. Tonight I went crazy as I always do... when I'm ignored for 2 days. An I was worried. I was expecting anything. An I got an angry response. Because my calls an texts made hrr angry. She'd rather sleep than talk to me. She'd rather be alone with herself then be forced to be in my presence even if it's by text.

I'm dying in pain. 

I'm trying to not feel the way I feel. But having her treat me that way makes me want to die. Because it hurts. It hurts. And it makes me think... Is this really what I deserve

All the relationships I have had. All the people i have hurt. Even to this day. I have no solid relationships besides with my kid. 

I have shut out everyone. I have boarded up all walls. An yet I'm being hurt by the people I've considered to be in my circle. 

People who I've seen being in thr same pattern of selfishness and not caring about me. 

Idk what to do... idk how to get out of this mindset... I'm stuck in this darkness.. I

I think I'm better off dead. The world could be better without me. 

She wouldn't have to get angry by my texts and phone calls. Or being forced to say ilove you when she doesn't even love at all. 

I'm losing my mind...

An I just want to die 

My family. My friends

I dont wanna live. I don't wanna go thro this. I just want it to end. I just want to feel nothing. 

I hate how much i care. I hate that I love her so much it hurts. 

I hate that I want the best for her. I hate that I feel I fall short of that. 

I hate that I am alive. I hate that I ever met her. Because if I didn't she wouldn't be forced to treat me this way. 

I hate that I feel thisbway. 

An I just want to bleed. To hurt. To break every part of my body. To rip out my heart an turn it to stone. 

I want to die. I want to get away from all this bs. I want to close this door. I want to never let myself feel this way. I want to go back to killing myself. To see the world is better without me. 

I have no family. I have a handful of friends. 

I'm dying in pain.