Wednesday, September 28, 2016

try try try and then give up

I'm not sure what I'm thinking or why I even have allowed myself to be on this insane roller coaster, why is it that I'm so attracted to her now? probably because she actually finally doesn't want me, and I guess maybe I'm attracted to that? but the other part of it would be some of my friends have asked me why I'm attracted or why I care so much. As I spoke the words I realized who I was losing, and how Fuc*** up that is! and how I shouldn't let my bulshit stubbornness, or my insecurity get in the way of knowing someone amazing?
It's too late! I pushed her too far, or she pushed me too far. the fact that I had to go to the extreme that I did, to me is nothing as I did it often with my ex...and this was the other thing I've been in some not so great relationships so when I ask something pretty specific I expect it to happen.. lets also not forget the garbage she said to me.. the words she said! the things she said intentionally to hurt me, she was hurt and she lashed out pretty extremely.
these are the things I must remember! I don't know why it hurts so much, I guess just because she's closed minded about what I've lived through, and what I've survived and the relationships I've endured. she constantly accused me of cheating even though I said that's not really who I am, and thats not really what I would do.
She came back into my life lets say yesterday? she messaged me..and we've been talking since then, and honestly it's easier to talk to her when we aren't always together.. I actually can come up with things to talk about, I don't feel so strangled.. If I had to express what it's like.. I'll use my favourite analogy. Watching a snake grasp it's prey, and slowly and I mean slowly squeeze the life out of it, and the more the prey breathes the more the snake tightens it's grip..and soon the prey is dead, and next will be the swallowing the prey whole.
I felt like that... questioning everything I was doing, who I was, and what my plans were... I used to be all about plans and stuff..but now! someone can text me and say lets go for dinner tonight, or lets go grab a coffee or lets go for lunch..these are most things that I like.
Anyway... I felt like the life was being squeezed out of me.. and i felt like I was losing my friends because they (one) was specifically worried about getting in the way, and that was hard for me.. no matter the circumstances.. I shouldn't allow anyone to get in the way of my friendships, if anything this partner of mine should try and get to know my friends. you want to know the kind of person I am, meet my friends, you want to know how I am comfortable and vulnerable meet my friends. but trying to prevent me from them..only puts a darkness and emptiness in my heart because I guess even though I don't always hang with my friends.. I usually talk to people on a daily basis.
I'm grateful for the women in my life.
Anyway.. so instead of reminding myself of all the beautiful things that she brought into my life, I have to remember all the bad things that she also carried, and all the baggage she brought to me.. as she has had some pretty messed up relationships and she has a lot of emotion that goes with that all. there's no simple way no easy road.. but I have to remind myself that I can't just try and try and continue to fail, that I actually need to step back and recognize that there's more to the world than this, and that although I may have strong emotions, I may admire and or adore her in some sense.. I have to start reminding myself why things are the way they are...
As much as I want to say i know her.. I don't feel like I know her at all and maybe that's super important because if I was that scared when it all went down, thats either something in her or something in me.. and that I need to look at carefully because I know those are things that I need to work through with or without her.
It's also going to be ok now.. if she completely gives up on me... because I think if I trust someone in that way, they won't find ways to throw that in my face? I think that's not trusting someone, and not being able to rely on someone.. cause that's not a nice thing to do!. IDK! just thinking.. I need to work this out and i don't have anyone to talk to about it....But I definitely miss her... UGH! I miss having her with me, and seeing her smile, and holding her, and laughing, and other fun stuff... lol... but I can't let myself focus on that! there's a reason! a Reason for ALL of this! remember! not all unicorns and rainbows, there's bad with good!

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Is it possible to move on from everything and not feel what i feel?! today was a really beyond difficult day for me.. I'm trying really hard to keep this facade that I don't care, that I don't care that I lost this crazy girl I adored... If I didn't feel what I felt for her, I wouldn't have let her be in my life, a part of my life.. and my mind keeps trying to tell me that maybe with time, maybe with patience or something maybe it could work.. But that's crazy talk... you know my ex said something to me recently about how crazy attracts crazy... could be true, everyone tells me often that I'm crazy, insane, psycho... but really if I am! then so is my ex.. if I attract those kinds of people.. then yay, at least I'll never be bored, and I'll be kept on my toes...
but this girl.. was so different.. so amazing.. apart from her craziness (which I loved) when I spoke of her to my friend last night.. I used terms words phrases, moments, passionate moments I've had with her.. and it seriously brought tears to my friends eyes, because it's beautiful, that's a beautiful thing to even imagine a future, imagine a life worth living. I needed that.. and although this girl might not be that for me, it's like rising from the dead, rising from the ashes. finding a beautiful light, even just a flicker, brings warmth to my heart and soul.
I hate that I've lost that.. I hate that I am the reason that is gone..and the only reason that happened is because she hit a nerve..with me..and my problems... I don't mind people throwing Sh*t in my face but there's one piece, one very serious piece of my life that no one will ever be able to get through with me.. and the one woman that did get through, is the only woman who has ever carried something I gave to her.
Anyway... I guess for me that was hurtful and the only reason it was hurtful is because its true, and I hate that I share these pieces of my life with her, and then it gets thrown in my face and I have to feel shitty about being vulnerable with her in some way, and I'm also upset that society has this idea of why people self-harm, or why people think of suicide. I always hope that the suicide awareness would make people more understanding of why people make those choices, but also at least talk about self-harm.. IDK...
I wish I could explain it.. I wish I could tell you just as easily as someone can express what it's like to shoot drugs in your arm, or how or why it's so easy to fall into alcoholism.. etx.. but thats not what this is, and I don't do it because I want attention... If you asked any of my friends... they'd say "yes she used to do those things, but I don't she's doing it now"
I don't tell the people closest to me about my issues, I try to avoid them with them.. we want to talk about rainbows and unicorns and superficial things.. not about serious topics about some issues I'm dealing with, actually not dealing with.. today I had a conversation with lets say a friend of mine, who mentioned some alternative coping mechanisms because of course everyone has the right answer in how to save me from my own self-destruction.. I wish it was that easy.. it's not feeling that easy, I have tried many things.. I had help.. I lost that help because I lost my mind with losing the people that mattered to me the most!
Anyway! I feel entwined in the lives of many! it's hard to be cold and mean when I know I need them! I need her! I need to feel loved because right now I know I'm not worthy of it! and I also know that I can't... cause that's selfish too! its' time to I wish I could say crawl in a sewer and fade away but that's not what I can do... but I need to get outta this! and the only way for me.. is insanely crazy!
I'm grateful for the close friends that know the situation and absolutely have been there for me.. but those friends aren't with me all the time, they can't save me from the nights, the nights in bed, the nights  I'm alone...once again.  I can't help but think "I Miss You" and lame as fuc* like Rose calling for the boats "come back, come back" lol I utter the same words under my breath but reality and fantasy are two different things..and i know what's best.. an even if it's not what's best! I'm like my father, stubborn as fuc* and I'll never let anyone tell me what to do!
The worst part is that I should've known better! I should've known that I'd hurt her, and that she'd hurt me. and that things were insanely crazy! and that I should've stepped back, I should've I have no idea not let her gain this type of access to my heart an soul which is why it is so hard to stay away
Im losing my mind.. and IDK what to do.. and I don't know if I want to keep trying this insanity!

Monday, September 26, 2016

Fu**ed up

I don't know what to feel? what to do?? So I met this girl about a month ago and it's been an insanely rocky start since we started this insanity! and even in the insanity I have to say! I felt happy, I liked having someone to make me think of the future, I liked the idea of actually wanting to live. I have always had this plan that I'll reach all my goals and that in about ten years my life will end...
I know I'm completely crazy... and yes it's true I am Fuc**ed up... I'll say walk at least ten miles in my shoes and see where I've come from and what I've done to get where I am today and then try and not be Fukced up! I'll tell you it's nearly impossible! the world has a "Normal" way of things and then there are "Our Way" of things.. in understanding where I've come from, what I've lived through, and how I've survived those moments in my life.
I know life isn't easy... I know life is not meant to be unicorns and rainbows...but to be abused, used, and hurt most of my life, and then to realize that love was never real in my life until I was an adult.. imagine that! almost like NEVER hearing the words "I love you" being heard in my family, and so hearing them is weird...or even talk about feelings..what feelings? there are no feelings in my world.. my world is numb, broken and shattered, angry and frustrated and silent...if I cry I cry behind closed doors, if I feel hurt I feel hurt shut down, and yes I have some SERIOUS issues with bad choices believe me I know I have issues, but you throwing it in my face will not make me care about you anymore.
I know... what I tears run down my face, and my arm bleeds.. I know what I deserve.. I know who I've hurt, what I've done, and that all the worlds problems are my fault.. I know that I failed, I failed my family, I failed my uncle, and I failed my dad, and I failed my brothers and sisters, and worst of all I failed my mother..
You know everyday I try... I try so hard to wipe the stains of my difficult past off my shoulders, I try to raise my head and not let people see shame in my eyes, in my heart. I know that I have cut, I know that I am a suicidal fuckin psycho crazy person.
I don't feel ok! I feel my heart is broken and I'm unable to love anyone! and if you show me love than your just as idiotic as me...but worse because you won't leave when I tell you too..
My thoughts...are completely different from my heart and soul... I know that everyone talks about this great person I am, the amazing love that I have to give, and the amazing beauty of my heart and soul! but do you know what I've had to do to get here? Do you know that love for me is such painful shit that when people sometimes love me... I can only think how unworthy of it I am. does anyone know what it's like to be abused? does anyone know what it's like to have an addiction for over 15-18 yrs of my life?
Does anyone know how much shame i carry in my heart and soul, the stains of my generational curse! and because of that I'll never let myself be who they were...although realistically I already am. I try and try pretend I'm different, the ugly duckling..
reality is i'm not... I have become someone I don't want to be.. I needed my friends.. I needed to be loved. I needed to love her forever, and i need her now. and that's completely insane... I don't think I can keep doing this to anyone... because reality is! I won't change! I won't grow I won't be ok! and I won't want to keep moving forward... I've struggled with these thoughts for years! I'd rather die.. then try and work through this!
I know that she deserves better! She has an amazing heart, amazing beautiful fragile heart, and she's been hurt..but her beauty in being able to love the unlovable, and her willingness to work through things is incredible..she has so much of a great future ahead of her, and that future should not include me. I know that I'll smear that beautiful heart, and I'll abuse that heart, I'll probably break, tear, sow that heart and then throw it out with the trash..cause that's who I am.. I"m not worthy of that amazing love that she has to give, but to tell you the truth to have felt it for that one month! no greater light for my soul! I needed that, with everyone that I've lost it's a beautiful memory that I'll never forget!
I'm not ok! I'm Not OK! I don't know if I can keep doing this anymore and the more I say that the harder the tears fall from my eyes, and the harder it is to not do something stupid! I don't want to be saved, I don't want to be rescued! I just want someone to acknowledge that I'm hurt right now, and that I'm having a really difficult moment and a weak moment that I've made a not so great choice that yes I may regret it! but I have to live with it like all my other bad decisions.. I just refuse to let her continue to be hurt by me! she's deserves better! I will always love and care for you, but I'll not let you back in my life, as I am unworthy of that beautiful heart of yours!
I'm gonna lose my mind for a bit again... but I know that this is the right decision because I've been fighting for this, the more I knew her the more I knew I was not the one for her, she deserves someone who isn't as Fuc*ed up as I am..
It's hard to even sleep now... I need her with me! this is insane ! Im insane! I don't know how I'm going to get through this! it's not fun and its breaking my heart and soul! I need her back and yet I can't talk about psycho!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Much love and respect

I went away for the weekend... I drove to Prince George with my brothers... I must say it was an amazing journey... the drive to Prince George was pretty intense, it was cold and it poured like hail poured which I pulled over and waited for it to pass.. haha.. I thought I was a great driver but that clearly was not weather I could drive in. We got to Prince George and we picked one of the first motel buildings we could find, I was completely exhausted... I didn't realize how tired I was...
Sunday Morning we were supposed to drive to Ft St James to lay the headstone down, as I was about to pull out to do that, I asked my brothers... if they wanted me to contact their uncle, or their grandma (I know they are related to me too, but I have serious issues of that connection) they both wanted me to contact them.. so I did..
For the first time in about 15 yrs we drove to their Uncle Greg's house... I wasn't sure what to expect as previously Greg never really showed much interest in my brothers or I.. but life happens? things change? Greg was very happy to meet us, and meet my brothers, he went on and on about our dad.. how our dad was...what made him happy, and IDK just random stories.. We also met my brother's grandmother... I don't know what I was expecting but it definitely was not an 88 yr old woman who didn't recognize us.. haha.. my favourite part was "your my granddaughter, and what did you do to your hair" lol.. it too some reassurances from my brothers that this is good an healing... a few times we had to repeat who we were to this woman... she's so fragile now, and I remember her differently so this was definitely an experience...
Greg couldn't get over talking to us about our father, he couldn't stop talking about it, and laughing, and crying...Greg decided to drive with us to Ft St James... nice two hour car ride with him,and he sorta talked he talked more as he got more comfortable with us.. My brothers thought it was completely strange that Greg just randomly walked into people's homes...
Cause I guess we had to follow protocol when it came to the headstone that I bought for my dad. So I thought we needed the two people from a different "clan" lay the headstone down, but Greg did things differently and cold a father Simon who came and blessed the headstone. It was pretty interesting, Greg stated that he is a religious man and that everyone in that part of the family is religious.
We had lunch and drove back to Prince George... and Greg asked all of us if any of us were drinkers or anything, and I explained my situation of why I'm not a heavy drinker, and showed him the scar on my arm, and my constant struggle with wanting to die. I know I'll never fully understand why I do the things I did, or think the way I do...I guess that was why I was trying to find a counsellor maybe someone can help me understand my head and thoughts.
we left the Monday back to Van City! I missed home so much it was unbelievable and more so I missed my girlfriend...
It was really emotional weekend for me.. in the sense of finally after months and months of trying to do this one thing... it had finally come together, I finally was able to get the headstone, and get the people, and drive there.
I guess the only final piece there is... is that I need the cement slab to lay down the headstone properly.. I must say how difficult this has been to figure out.. so when I originally started talking to people in Ft St James, I was able to speak to Public Works, and I guess they thought they took care of the graveyard my father's buried at... just to go through all that work to find out it was elders or a band in the area... so it took awhile, but Public Works told me they had the cement slab that was all ready to go and that I could pick it up... but then Public Works fell off the face of the earth, and so now.. IDK.. should I pay someone to make the cement slab, or pay someone to harass public works to put the cement slab down at the gravesite.. why do these things have to be so complicated, why didn't the headstone come with a cement slab.. lol I paid over 800 dollars for it.. geez... lol.
My favourite is everyone admired my father's headstone, it is very unique and beautiful made.. I'm very grateful I was able to do this for my father, and I'm glad I was able to share this experience with my brothers.
If I could just do one thing, if i could just say one thing... Dad I love you! and I hope you know not a day goes by that I'm not thinking of you, and wishing you were here with me.. My life has completely changed for the worst since the day you died... I hope you are well and safe! RIP daddy

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I won't be a fool

I keep replaying this one song and it's not even relative to what I'm feeling but I just love Ciara voice haha.
I'm having an interesting time!!! MSL had messaged me!!! :) talk about the best thing in the world but hearing why she was upset with me wasn't very nice, because things were fine before, things were beautiful before... but then I got a gf.. and that gf didn't like my relationship with msl. but this was always my own fault, but losing that has never hurt more then this.. I think a week ago... when this all went down... I changed...
I told my gf... I feel like I'm three different people.. the first is the one that was in love with life, with msl, the one that was infatuated with all this happiness of dreams and hopes blah blah blah.. and then theres another side the "dark side" the "beast of burden" always just barely on the surface a constant reminder that my life is not worth much, and that I am not worth much, and that my life would be so much better if it ended...that everyone who has been in my life would or could be happier if i wasn't here. this side of me is the most dominant side, because I feel like I have so much feelings of shame of what I've lived through, and what scars are on my body... IDK.. I don't feel a lot of love anymore.. I guess the third person is who I am now... guarded...worried, scared and not wanting to be in love anymore, not wanting to feel the heartache I've felt in the last while.. not just with msl but also with my lady.. two amazing women in my life who have been a great light in my life, a great whatever they were, inspiration in my life, each women has had a piece of my heart in a way like no other.
and both had left me.. both had uprooted all that we were and just basically threw it away like it never matter to them. (not that this is true, this is what I feel)
So as a result.. I'm scared... I don't EVER want to feel the way I felt.. and I also now want to refuse to be happy because that can also result in this love.
So now that being said.. my gf is struggling with me.. she wants to be in the same league as those other women...I guess it's not that easy, it's actually really difficult and has taken a lot of time! I can GUARANTEE I had put a lot of tests, lots of mind games on both women, and pushed them away, pulled them close, and pushed them away, and been a bi*ch and all that... and if after walking through fire, and being able to still care for me.. then they succeed.. haha.. so for my gf.. it's a lot harder because I've only known her a short while, and I'm feeling really wounded right now...
I'm struggling with what I wanna do now, I'm struggling with my own person.. my own desires, and my own ideas..
I can't believe how easy it is for people to throw me away.. people often talk about my generosity, they speak of my compassion, my amazing heart, and blah fuckin blah! but yet I'm easy to let go of? so explain that to me? So do I really wanna live my life like that? do things need to change so that I'm more aware of who I let into my life, or do I need to guard my heart under lock an key and give it to no one?
I'm so confused, and I'm terrified..
At the same time... I have this amazing lady who wants to be in my life, she loves being around me, she has some expectations of me, but she challenges my comfort zone, and she makes me smile, and she makes my belly feel like butterflies because she looks at me the way I want to be looked at, she holds me the way I want to be held.. she has done nothing wrong.. (mostly nothing) the things that she has done we have worked through..
I think I just need more time... more time to process how I feel and figure out what I want to do.. because right now... I'm happy to be running away this weekend.. the one most important thing in the entire world is finally happening, and I'm not backing down! I just hope it all works out.
I need some time away, I absolutely loved the open road, I loved the beauty of British Columbia who couldn't love that?
And of all things I'll be sharing this beautiful experience with my brothers... and that will be good too! I can only hope that things come together the way I need them too! the only thing I can hope is that I find the people who are supposed to be paid to lay down the headstone, and that I'm also supposed to try have some sort of ceremony about the whole thing.. I wish I had an elder to walk me through that process,but I don't know a lot of FN people who are from my dad's area
Lastnight I watched "the Judge" it was a very difficult show for me to watch.. it totally reminded me of my uncle.. and it brought back all those feelings that I thought I had forgotten, and to be honest the same cancer that he had in the movie is the same as my uncle, so to see how much pain that he had to endure, only gave me a sliver of what my uncle went through and he endured that alone... as far as I'm aware, he didn't tell me... about his cancer... I didn't find out until I heard he was in the hospital and spent my last 10 days with him before he died.
Today I spent the day with my boss doing work obviously.. but I finally was able to connect with him in a way that we both can see the struggles we have endured and are able to be where we are now, I am happy to work for the company when I meet men like him, I am inspired.. and I hope that we do some great work together, but we both know this isn't forever... this is a stepping stone.. for me I don't know what I want to do.. I thought I knew.. but failing that one exam has crushed all my dreams, I don't even think I can enter school again anytime soon..
I'm rambling..but i guess it's processing... making things clear.. making me remember what I want and why I want them. I definitely don't want love.. I'm sorry but after what I've endured.. I don't want and/or deserve love.. Maybe its the abused child in me, but I'm too worried and hurt and scared to feel that ever again, and I'll do everything in my power to avoid it.. I'm completely screwed up right now... if only none of this had happened but it's good because it's moment for growth, and it's moment for me to see who I am, and who I don't want to be, and what I need to do to change.. or maybe I'm just insane like everyone says and i should be in the Psych ward.. only time will tell

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Letter of Truth

Its unbelievable its' been 4 days... 4 days of not hearing from her, and knowing how much she hates me. I am completely busted by the whole situation, I can't be happy because she was my happiness. she was the sparkle in my eye, the light in my darkness, she was the moon to my stars haha.
An because she deleted me from everything, I figure I'll write it here and see if it helps me feel better because I'm sad, and carrying this heartache around.. and I'm busted up!
MSL I want you to know that I love you, I've loved you from the first day I met you! All crazy insanity an all! I've tried to never do anything to hurt you, but to guard you, protect you, and comfort you when your sad. I know that love is impossible for us, and that you'll never feel the way I feel about you. But I loved having you in my life, I loved talking to you, I loved making you smile, and making you nervous that you make bad driving decisions, i loved being there for you when you needed me, and I loved having you show up at my work often! You truly cared for me if your way was to show it by spending time with me. I needed you often and you were there, I had long chats about random things, things that entwined our hearts and souls.. I will always love you and the person you are! I would never change you, form you in anyway..except for you hair which i did change haha! I guess I know what heartache, and heartbreak feels like... You came in my life when my best friend bailed on me, and when she deserted me in that heartache... she too hurt; obviously why we aren't friends.. but you were my most amazing distraction that I could hardly believe it's been nearly two months since she's been gone.. My heart still aches for her, because she was the ultimate woman in my life, no one could live up to her amazing love and compassion.. I'll forever have a place for her but she's gone..and I didn't cry a lot and I didn't feel a lot of pain for it all because I had you.. you became the most amazing friend in my life, someone to comfort me, and to allow me to be vulnerable, to cherish me, and be there and be willing to get a tattoo with me.. (good thing we didn't now) but I'll still get it as a representation of who we were.. because you matter to me, you are very much engraved in my heart. As for the whole situation let me try my best to express.. that I am truly sorry how everything ended... I know you don't understand.. But I know and feel heartache every time I think of it.. So lets try this analogy so you can get a clear picture of what i was going through and I'll try my best not to be an As**ole
Imagine you with the love of your life (loser guy) out for dinner an he just so happens to be with his new girlfriend and you guys are out having dinner.. and as much fun as it might be for him to have you there, his girlfriend is focused on him, touching him, an being completely weird because she doesn't want you there. because she knows what he meant to you, so she continues to harass him, and make him lets say hold her hand, or something normal... normal couple stuff..but reality is... you don't feel comfortable because you are still in love with him, and it's completely insane love that obviously he'll never get back with you..but you still dream and hope.. Now that you see the situation clearly imagine how I felt when I was there with you two. I didn't like any of it, and I wanted you.. and I can't have you, and so i was gonna say after I got to work was... can we just not have our others around when we hang out... clearly my gf doesn't like you, and I don't like him..and i know thats completely ridiculous but I like having your attention when I'm with you, and I don't want someone else fighting for it. because I know I'll lose.. so I was gonna say.. lets just be us when we are there in the present.
Instead that didn't happen, instead you shattered my heart with meaningless words that will forever scar my soul.. I can't believe how much I love you.. an how hard it has been day by day having to not have you in my life. I cry, I cry and cry and people tell me I'm crazy an I'm a loser for feeling what I feel for you..because you'll never love me, care for me, and likely we'd enter into a cycle of abuse where you'd constantly do things to cause me more pain..which is interesting..but I guess if you actually love me in a small way you wouldn't hurt me, but because your heartless and don't actually care about me. you'd intentionally just cause me more pain and I'd one day not be able to live with myself and my constant failure, and constant pain
OR maybe I made that all up.. lol
I wish you were here... I have countless times imagined you showing up at my work, or calling me on my phone.. and telling me your an idiot and i'm an idiot and that you'd forgive and forget.. but that day won't happen..because you clearly burned all bridges where you and I could have been.

I miss you and I'm sorry that things have ended this way, and I'll forever love you in a way like no other! if alls I can say.. is find your happiness, find your love,and find your heart! strive to grow and become more amazing.. it'd be nice to see a beautiful smile on your face more often! and one day when we pass each other maybe it'll sting a lot less..or maybe I'll cry.. who knows...

Much Love

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Born to love you

It's been one of the hardest days of my life.. I feel completely shattered.. I partially wish it was all a dream.. and that I'll wake up and everything will be as it should be.
But reality is... here and now..and part of that here and now is not being in her life.. she is not someone I can and/or should love.. I have tried to do this before with not talking-to her but it didn't work out, but this time is different.. this time she did it.. this time she purposely told me to leave and that broke my heart.. every time I did it to her it didn't phase her according to her she doesn't have a heart.
It's time to move on.. time to look to the future. and I'll say having her in my life was nice.. I liked smiling, and I liked our time together.. I liked being trusted and admired for my amazing ability to always be there for people..even people who just hurt me.. maybe she didn't know that she was doing it likely because I never really told her. but the scars on my arm are proof that I'm toxic, and that I think way too much.
It wasn't that long ago that I said I couldn't live without her, and that I couldn't let her leave my life.. and its true.. just as I write that, my eyes well up, and i begin to cry.. I loved her.. I cherished her.. and now I'm dealing with the heart break in losing her.
I'm so messed up... and its funny everyone who knew about my love for her are all surprised at how much it has effected me, that I couldn't work, and if I could I wouldn't go to work tomorrow because this is unbelievable painful experience that I just want to lay in bed and cry..
It's super lame because I have someone in my life.. someone who is great for me.. she loves me, and cares for me, and she does everything she can to make me smile, and she hasn't left me, she hasn't thought of it.. but I'm so fucked with my own emotions.. does she know what I'm feeling? does she know I'm heartbroken and that I'm unhappy with how it all turned out..
I can only hope that I get through this.. and listen to all the dang articles about refusing to go back to the things that only cause us pain.. to only focus on the good and happy.. why does anything else matter.. and then reality is I'm accustomed to pain, and torment and abuse. I'm not used to being treated the way she treats me.. and so it's hard.. for me.. because I don't know how to be for her.. I'm so distracted I can't sleep, I can't eat... I can't talk.. I can only feel the pain deep within my heart.. wishing I could put a gun to my head...
I know BS. but I'm hurt and broken..and its going to take time to heal from this.. and I just hope that my gf doesn't give up on me, otherwise all of this would've been for nothing.. but then again.. is it worth losing her over? IDK. why couldn't it work the way it was working.. why was it all or nothing, black and white? where's the shades of grey?
I'm losing my mind..and once again I'm losing my mind writing.. I can't write, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't be happy anymore.. and I can't ever face her again.

Not the same

I'm hurting right now.. I'm crying as I write these words an recognize the pain all so well. It makes me want to make bad choices cause no one is worth my tears. The woman I've spoken about for months on months well the truth is.. I felt more closer to her then anyone in my life, so when my girlfriend asked me to step away from her I had a hard time with it. Almost as though a piece of my soul was being taken away from me. So I tried to stay close an all my friends said no one is worth that kind or type of bulshit. But reality is.. my gf has every reason to be jealous. I am in love with this girl who has never loved me or will ever love me. I wanted her in my life because I knew she'd always be there for me..she became a piece of my heart an soul I already feel my heart breaking, shattered an bruised. Just like Robyn if she tries to come back now there is no way back to me. I'm hurt An once that happens there's no coming back there's no forgiveness. It was a dumb reason to get upset.. but she has found someone I don't really know how she feels about him, but every time I seen him with her the way he brushed his hand against her, tried to hold her, whatever stupid shit happened.. I was angry I want her only for myself. Not for anyone else. An I became fucked in the head. An had to get away... I wanted to drive my car into a wall having to sit there having to see this an no matter how much I tried to ignore them I can see them, hear them.. an it broke my heart because I'll never be that person. An I shouldn't want to be that person I have a woman in my life who feels for me the way I felt for this woman.  She deserves my attention she deserves my love. The only issue was this one woman.  An this one woman decided I wasn't worth it anymore all my fucked up games, an coded messages an shit. So she basically told me to fuck off today.  An as I read those words the first tbing I thought about was bad... an even as I write them now I'll probably make a bad decision because my heart is broken. I just lost someone else I loved. An now I just hate the world an nothing is worth anything anymore.
I guess this is the perfect time for my tattoo there's nothing but pain happening an I need something to hurt me.
I can't believe how this all turned out. An I can't believe I lost her. Nothing will hurt me as much as that just did

Sunday, September 4, 2016


So its true... I'm truly an introvert who absolutely hates the world.  I could watch my TV, read a book,  write. I can go on lite hikes, I can drive to complete an utter darkness an pull over an watch the stars. But I can't do the PNE. I can't be normal people. Sitting here freezing my ass off I remember why I avoid these types of things because it's too painful for me to have to realize what a loser I am.
I miss the simpler days when my friends would cook for me, talk to me an have a connection with me one on one. Anything more than that an I start getting self conscious, an feeling inadequate. People laugh at me all the time about my feelings but this is who I am. An why is it such a problem that I'd rather give someone my undivided attention an devotion... when I can actually listen to your heart, your words an to be able to see your body language, see how you voice things. Why is this so weird.
I'd also rather jump off a bridge like bungee jumping, I'd rather jump out of an airplane skydiving. I'd rather drive to the gun range an shoot my guns.
But sitting here..I feel sad an ashamed of who I am.. an realizing no one really appreciates me an what I do an how I like things.  I'm supposed to be someone else. But I also refuse to change for anyone.  Why can't people like the quieter things. The beautiful moments in life. I'd rather go to the aquarium, the zoo...rather than be here because nothing would be expected of me. I could just enjoy the beautifuL animals but I guess the problem is I also hate caged animals. I hate that the world has considered this acceptable behavior to entrap wild life.. for the pleasure of people.oh I remember what was my favorite is the zoo in Ontario I can't remember what it was called...but they had lions and lioness an giraffe an whatever else. An they were exactly caged but they were contained.. does that make sense.  I liked that.
I'd also rather call up Robyn an say please forgive me an come back in my life because I think I need you an value you. But at the same time it wasn't that we screwed up beyond repair.. I'm sure her an I can talk it through. But maybe things are different at least they are different for me. She isn't my whole world anymore I have some amazing people in my life, but at the same time I absolutely miss her. I miss her talking to me, I miss her hugging me. I miss spending time with her.. I miss the person I was when I was with her...
Oh I could enjoy going to a BC Lions game too that's fun for me too. Lol.
I wish I knew no I don't wish.. I can't imagine where she is at with her life an I can't imagine what's happened. I can only hope that she's happy, that she's fulfilled an that she is moving forward in all her beauty she definitely doesn't deserve the hardship she has faced but no one really does. I'm glad that she has friends an supports an that she is hopefully happy living her life. I am sad that I won't have her to save the turtles with, an I still have her on my benefits if I ever die. I did delete her so now Christina will be my legacy contact.  That was a hard decision but realistically I talk to Christina more than anyone an I love her as my friend.
Anywan im ranting an I'm sad.. that I'm alone an I guess.. I miss the person I used to be. I hate who I am today an no matter who tries to change me it just doesn't seem to no one should really try an change me. Why can't people accept who I am.  Well cause who I am is a terrible person. I've only caused people I care about pain. I treat peogle really badly an I do it like a reflex.
I'm also jealous of my friend who gets to enkoy the time with my girlfriend. But really she's lucky to have good people.  Please let me end it all today... I can't do it anymore. Lol joking but my heart is hurting