Thursday, August 27, 2009

the beginning

YAY! I got all funding! Im going to College!

Im going to write the concerns of this present time... Im only writing about it because I know its a boundary that I need to take but because I haven't talked to anyone about it I just need to write about it..Yesterday I called my sweet friend an we talked about important they are for my current circumstances..
One thing major thing I learned while I was away is the boundary of my family. I love my family an I hope to be a great influence in their lives. I wish that I could guide them to the great success of life but that's not my job. It's not my job to protect them to try an force them into being healthy life of just dealing with the circumstance.s.

Nevermind...the reality is that I'm starting to feel the weight of my family... My concerns are that my wait my mother is making some not so great choices in the lives of my brothers an sisters...allowing a man to stay there that is questionable enough an is in recovery. I've always or since what happened to my sister Im always cautious of the people that go into my mother's place. because I really dont want anything to ever happen to any of them..especially if Im now in Vancouver.
But the boundary is that we're human...there are needs, responsibilities etc... things that I cannot control... Im worried to pieces about the choices she makes in their well-being an yet for the first time in my life I feel like I can't do anything...this is not my role this is not my job... I have always been the one to protect them from everything...
A few weeks ago my younger sister was hanging out in a not so great neighborhood an my first response was to get put up the beast an protect her...

It took me some time to realize...this is not my job...I've used the role of a sister, an turned it into the father, the protector...superman even... to really go outta my way to leap the biggest moutains to change the protect them from people like drug addicts, and things I know that could an will harm them.
I've come to the realization that Im not their parent an I have to let them choose what they choose... If I could raise awareness to my family of the choices and decisions they are making it would be gold...but one thing I've learned is that its not something you could be told....we have to figure it out for ourselves..

My presence in their lives bothers them because I bring reality of where they are an throw it in their face an make them see that I dont approve of it...and therefore that is my first mistake because I do love them...but I need to love them to the point that they desire change... I can't change them..I can show them what its like to live a life of goodness.

So the last twelve hours I've been contemplating whether or not I should move back into my mother's house, to bring on the character of being their protector an provider... this is the old pattern of thinking...this is not my job or duty to be there... I can help them when they are ready but until then...
My focus needs to remain on pay attention to me... to get into school to attend school, to keep my goals focused an ready there..... I just have to start walking it out... I have to find a place to live an see how that goes...but its my job to do that...not to be there for them.

I am concerned like crazy of where they are at but I also know that I won't be able to help them. One thing I've been told many many times is that I left them those years ago an went to find myself, my solid ground an although I didn't return with those things...Im where Im supposed to be...this is so it'll be difficult...
I can only give these things to God and ask him to take care of them...I know this is the journey I need to take on my that with hope they will find their way too...until then Im where Im supposed to be..

Do you know how difficult that is for me to say? But I know that it would mean if I went back then I'd be opening the door to the beast, to the darkness that I felt...the hurt I felt...the pain the life I had to leave behind when I got outta the main focus is myself...not selfish but aware of the boundaries I must take to take care of myself first an foremost...
I must say that even though I know whats right I also know how much it much I want to turn back how much I wanna run back....turn back...but I know Im where I am.. I worked extremely hard for people to believe in me...for me to believe in now I have to continue on this walk....

This will one day my family will see the things I live the way I not need drugs, alcohol, smokes, money, etc....all those things to be content to be happy.... those are all things that wont be here eternity it won't even thats why I feel I dont need them... a process of walking through everything I've written everything I've believed in..... to believe in myself an my ability to get to just be living the way that I have meant too for years...

it'll be okay..somehow someway they will find their way...until then they are loved...


Sunday, August 23, 2009

change your thinking

this is a topic one step in getting closer to the Lord, to giving him our all.. how her renews our minds, how we transform into greatness.
If only I could choose that everyday you know? To not have to remember all this stuff I had to deal with...tonight I was reminded of a fear that I hadn't felt in years...since I was a teenager.. an I thought about how many times I was scared, how I felt little, an how I felt I'd not make it to my 18 birthday because I'd end my life.
I dont know what to say to that... this weekend has been tough I spent a lot of my time alone, a lot of my time contemplating my choices an decisions for this week..what I hope to accomplish, what I feel i might fail at...I spent my time go over an over in my mind of the decision I made on June 3 an I could not even begin to tell you how much that hurt.
If not that decision lets not forget 589. one of the most painful memories of my life.. another choice that I had to make an live with..
I could continue on with all the things I wish I didn't have to remember an how much I wish I could forget them...but the reality is I feel like if I forgot those things then I'd forget my heart. if I dont let myself feel those things I'd forget where my heart was, it would be burried underneath all these things, these memories, times of heartache, times of fear, everything that's hindered me from moving forward, or could prevent me from that.

this weekend...I had to contemplate..weigh out the best results for a future...what have I put myself into? an will I be alright with my decision? will these scars get me somewhere or will they haunt me, hurt me, an wound me for the rest of my life?
I had to take a look at this for real...none of this victory walk, this everything I was time to be real, real about my situation, real about where Im at...I had to really look at decide for much this opportunity is worth to me..
Im not really sure how to explain this weekend..what's happened..what I've done..or how I've done these things an I can't answer my own questions right now because I dont have the answers right now an part of this process for me is to not have all the answers, never truly knowing where everythign will come from..what will be the next will I get there? who will fund me? how I'll live! ETC!!!

for some time I had to really write about these darkness moments of my truly look at them.. hold them in my grasp...I felt like I ripped out my heart an was examining the damage, examining whether this was what my heart actually wanted....not the funnest times of my life I really would've needed someone through that...but really I had all I needed because...Im done listenning to how others are here for me, how I'll get through this...these things have got me no its just words now to me...

my weekend felt I didnt get to enjoy myself...I felt now the beginning of the week is back an it's time to throw all of this aside an deal with things like place to live, an school...etc.. not an easy thing...but I write them here so I won't forget where Im at..

The first step is to change my thinking....I've been negative, in doubt, an worried about myself to the point of worrying myself to death...I've got to get somewhere....outta this mess an find a reason for a better future..
change my thinking...not positive or negative..just REALITY! the only way i'll get to where im going is if Im TRUE TO MYSELF! it doesn't matter what I write, who i write too, or where I've been, or who's in my the end of the day Im here....And Im walking myself through this, if I forget where my heart lays then I'll be walking in pointless endless direction.

good night

Thursday, August 20, 2009

its not life, its a choice!

A strange reality of life going in my life at the moment... All for goodness of course...which for the moment it all happened i actually literally broke down an cried...But Im honestly proud of myself for those tears...because if I didn't have those tears well then I'd be in the place I was before... I'd be cutting, or thinking of self-destruction...But for the first time I see all that I need to do... An that life of cutting, it's grip on my life..even with the is losing it's edge in my life, it's place in my life an Im conquering things as I go...
No matter the load of difficulty, no matter what goes on Im at a place where im confident in my ability to succeed...that's something I find myself constantly in awe of where I am an where Im going, an I know I'll be okay...I mean some crazy obstacles have come into my path but that's something Im learning as I that all these things are choices, an decisions...its not that its life, or my life...but its an everyday choice of what I do with any and all information that comes into my life.. I could run..I could fail in that way because I would not make it to the future... because I felt I'd fail, set myself up for a fail an therefore that's how I failed...

That's not what Im doing...thankfully as I go along this way of life.. Im becoming confident in my ability, my ability to find the resources, the support an help to get to my set goal of becoming a Police getting into's all the way it needs to be becaues I've given it my 100% an I will succeed.. tonight I continued to suprise myself...suprise everyone actually!

I have overcome the obstacles of my life of drinking, of cutting, of might ask me how...but like my title says, its not life..its a choice that I made...I've got so many people so much more people now who believe in me, who are living good lives, an being the best influences in my life..I've not had a desire to drink or self-destruct...I know or feel that it may be temporary but honestly...Im at a point that I know I can choose life, I can choose everything that happens to me or how I respond to events in my life..

My lady is a prime example of true an utter goodness...a woman..a lady my lady! With all that she has been through, all that she has suffered, the consquences of her decisions an choices from the past...effect her now...I mean she could go back, she could give up...she could give less then a 100% she could just go back to where she was...she could allow the difficuilties of life effect her, she could do all this...but you know what shes doing? She's choosing Life! She chooses to walk in believe that this is not her although the walk back from the destructive life she was living, may be tough, may feel unbearable but she knows where she was, she knows where she's going....Everyday she chooses goodness..chooses life...she is an amazing incredible person an I look to her to see that Victory...the victory in her eyes, her voice, her smile... she is walking victory...encouraging, inspiring loving me...I am so proud of her for choosing life, an wonder how I would've come to where I am now if she hadn't choosen life...or even let the past effect her present, or even just choose the destructive path....she doesn't do that.. she lives in the present, an she faces each obstacle with the knowledge that she is giving it her all an she is going to reach her set goal...
She makes me believe in my ability to see that the future as far away as it might seem, its here..its now..its this present I could also choose destruction..I could let myself down an run back to where I was...but I know where it got how i felt in that place an that's why I won't go back..that's why Im where I am...because I believe in my ability to live, an conquer all things...choose to walk in victory no matter the circumstance, the obstacle or anything...

School has been so incredible..I mean I may have funding for in the next two weeks I'll totally be getting my own place to live! I am reaching out to all the resources, an getting all the support i need to get to my set I haven't been worried...because im doing my part... Im fully there doing this an accomplishing everything thats been asked of me...I will get there no matter what!

Well the medication for sleep has now kicked in so Im off to dream of the days of victoriously walking into a classroom, to wearing the Police everything that needs to happen! VICTORY IS AT ARMS LENGTH!


Thursday, August 13, 2009

to thine own self be true <3

One requirement for getting funding for school was that I had to interview people well not just any people but Police Officers! It had become one of the most memorable experiences of my life.. to sit there interviewing two Police Officers who have met me in the past under some not so great circumstances. To be able to stand before them an not be as low in life as I had been in the last six months....I mean I know that I continue to say it an write it....Im totally blown away with where my life is at this moment this time, an in this place.
For the first time in over a year I finally have something that's my own...something Im working towards you know? I mean for over a year or even the course of my entire life I've always taken care of others, my family, friends etc....for that they are grateful...But for one of the first times in my life Im only focusing on myself...what i need to do to take care of me...An its not only just that.. its also that I have a lack of things such as necessities of life...but guess what? They have been provided for me! I've not gone starvingly hungry, or been without a place to sleep.. I have hardly needed money for anything....

Either way....Im right when I say with each of these hardships in my life I continue to be humbled an grateful for everything that comes into my life... I stopped letting my fears of others wanting to help me, I stopped saying no Im fine. If anyone ever felt they wanted to help there in a flash to recieve for someone like me its totally new for me to recieve this kind of help, I've always been stable in this area of my life...until yet there is no worry in my voice, no fear of things coming together the way they need too... I trust in God an his ability to take care of me...Im doing my part an everything either falls into place or doesn't...either way Im doing what I need to do...

Off track....sorry

My topic of choice a bracelet...a bracelet that means the world to my lady an anything that means this much to her means as much to me... its not about the bracelet or the time in her life when she recieved's the words spoken in them "To thine own self be true."
The phrase itself... is actually some things that Police Officers are living by, something I hope to live by myself... The point of being a Police Officer....everyone has their reasons...but the one thing that one of the people I interviewed had said was it's about your never let yourself lose your heart, once you lose your heart for the job then you stop changing lives, an stop being there for the community. Its when anyone decides to do something anything... once it stops being about the heart for the job, or the changes an as that changes...then the motives for the job change, until you look in the mirror one day an dont even know what you've become.

I hope to get my two tattoos now... it was only one until this interview... but to hear that we have to be true to ourselves to be true to what we want, what we hope to become... the truth is in our hearts, stone concrete...there's something in our hearts that have been placed there for a specific purpose... an so when I thought about being a Police Officer is that I need to be sure that my heart is for that an that Im prepared to handle it...I mean the one Police Officer I interviewed had been on the force for 25yrs an never moved from his location because he believes or no forgive me, because he stayed where is still today...he has changed lives.. but if he would've done it for his own gain...he wouldn't have been able to reach as many people as he has today!

Im pretty tired tonight...But the one thing Ive really learned about these last few days... is that its our heart...our soul...that person deep underneath all the make-up, the facade, coping machinisms...its that person that reaches people.....people can only reach people when we are ourselves an share our hearts, our dreams, our soul... At times I even found myself to be ashamed at the idea of telling people my age that I want to become a Police Officer because here in Van they are so not respected.. an I hope that as a future Police Officer...that this is one of the reasons I want to be a cop. I want to change lives, change the outlooks of people on police. an I want to believe in people...just as much as they had believed in me.

I still blown away about the attitude change in my life...the things I've accomplished. no worries, no fears... I've really come through this like a huge turn around in my life... an now I feel I have a purpose an reason to be I could not be happier about this opportunity. I know I still have a long way to go before the Academy..but Im going to continue to do everything I can to be here, an meet as many people as i can to gain the life experience, patience, an heart for the job... cause I've felt that I've always had the heart for the this is one way I want to give back to my community for all they have done, or even reach areas they could not reach me in because they couldn't help me....I want to build bridges with communities, with people, with cultural things to bring back a hope....cause I feel that a lot of people have lost that. I mean I myself had lost that...
Its only been in the last six months..or last month that things have come together they way they I look forward to the future...for the first time in a long time I look forward to a good future...

Well... these are my thoughts....not fully cause Im very exhausted...but Im still here...

Doing very much encouraged an inspired by the two Police Officers I spoke with in that interview~ I just wanted to share that with my readers...

I also want to say that my lady rocks! I love her to pieces for all that she has done an is doing, she has accomplished so much in her own life, inspired me..encouraged loved me without limits. these are some great things for me to have in my life, she is a great lady to have in my life. I could not be more proud of her, or more happy to have her so close to my heart, an my life.. she has truly been a lady who helped me get to where I am now! I love her very much!

Good night <3

Monday, August 10, 2009

my future career

If you were to ask me why i had decided on becoming a Police Officer I will tell you it was not my first choice. I had three things I had wanted an they were Police Officer, Youth Worker, an Social worker. The reason I chose to want to become a police officer can be summed up in one person an that's Dave Dickson, he is a retired Police officer. He has helped my family out all my life, he has supported us, an has shown the characteristics of an amazing Police Officer.
The reason I chose that my goal an dream to become a police officer is because it would hte most difficult goal for someone like me to achieve...And if we looked at my history I have always been known to learn things the hard way, to have always go above an beyond to be a better person. I have had many opportunities to follow the lives of old friends committing crimes, drinking, an drugs, I could've done all those things, wait I had done those things...But somewhere in me I knew I was created for a better purpose, my life was not meant to become this way..

A few years ago when I was a participate in NLGH I had a guest speaker who had told me that I would lead people in spirit an in truth.... and for the first time in my life I believe I know what that looks like...I believe it looks like my life living an following the law, to become a good role model among the city that nearly or couldve destroyed me.
I mean for someone in my state of mind my place in the world, or lack of place in the world unable to be grounded in my life, especially being in my hometown an city I grew up to hate but have come to love after my time away.

All my life I have always loved Police Officers, I have been mistreated by some police officers but it was the crowd or area of town I was living in...But after a while I was introduced sometimes not in the right state of mind...I was introduced to police officers an in getting to know them an their heart for their line of work...These are the reasons I feel I want to become a cop.
I also want to change my peoples outlook on the police force, someone today actually said how awesome it would be if I became the first Aboriginal woman who becomes a Police Chief. I never thought of that..but it could happen..
I feel that my life inspite of the obstacles, the tribulations, an teh oppression that I am capable of accomplishing anything an so I've set my mind on this opportunity to become a cop an I will stop at nothing to get there...I know that I want to better my community, I want to become like Dave Dickson who is a very highly respected police officer, was on the force for 25yrs. an is still dedicated to working on the Downtown Eastside of vancouver. this is a man who has a family, has a home, has an opportunity to turn away from the downtown eastside but refuses to because he knows there's work to be done....
THis is a man I hope to follow in his footsteps...In being a Great Police OFficer, someone for others to turn too, someone to believe in them, to give them a second chance, to show them we are created for so much sometimes it only takes one person one place, one time for someone to change their whole life to becoming a great person to have a purpose to have a hope, to have a dream..

For me that person is not Only Dave Dickson but also my lady.....these two people have given me faith in myself, these two people are the people that are helping me make my dreams come true, one day at a time, one fall but a repeatative to getting up an trying again..

I want to be a leader, I want to be a role model, an I want to change the world starting with my city, my hometown...I want to give hope to those who have none, I want to be a light to those who are in the dark, an I want to honor God in all I do because its by his endless love that guides me now...I will become a police officer, an I will bring my people outta of oppression because this is the reason Im here..

So this is the reason I won't give up....this is the reason I know that I have to become a Police Officer because I know how to better myself, I will have the resources, an faith in all those who don't believe in themselves, an I will have the resources, an strength, an ability to help change our world, our city! I will make it no matter what happens...this is the reason Im alive, this is the reason I feel alive, why I fight to live! I know what I was created for an Im walking in that everyday with Victory!

Friday, August 7, 2009

keepin on

I am applying for funding for school.....Im not worried about not getting the funding because I know its out there an no matter what happens this is my chance an I made a promise to myself that Im not going to get worried about it at all. Its not to say that Im not making the right decisions an choices to do my part! something I learn about everyday Im living an doing my thing.

Other then that well...I dont know Im just trying to get things together for school I could not be more proud of myself for every decision I've made since then. i mean of course had my mishaps of things an made a poor decision here an there...But Im a fighter. an I am starting to see that in my heart, in my life an Im not giving up. Im not giving into any old habits or choices an learning to renew my mind an do what's right...
I miss my family though...Its crazy to say. I mean I live in vancouver an I haven't spent much time with my family an so I think as I continue on I'd like to start figuring that out because I really miss want to be a part of their lives, I feel set apart...more because of all the dysfunctional choices, and lifestyle they Im set apart from it..I just hope that with the changes in my life they would desire to do better. I mean for my cousin he's making the right decisions in standing by his girlfriend an making the right decisions an thats how I know he'll be a great father...I know he will do what he needs too when the time is right.

Today i was on a bus an seen some sad things....seen drug users sitting at a bus stop...the world set apart from them, afraid of she sat their smoking her crack pipe..people on the bus become numb to those sites an dont even bother looking out, an then every so often you have those tourists coming through looking at this an all interested an curious....yep this is the city we live...the good with the bad.
Not far down from there...Pigeon park...was torn down... I think they are making improvements an I hope thats the case because I can't imagine the city making a poor decision an taking away such a landmark of Vancouver. I remember the many many many years ago when my father was alive thats where I went to find him. Is that sad? yes it is...but it was the center of my life to see my father, an to be close to him. be close to the goodness no matter the destruction that surrounded it....

I worry about myself though you know? Im starting to see the right decisions in my life with not drinking, an all being in school is such a great thing...but there is something im beginning to see creep up in my life an I worry about it so much..The basic nessecities of life.. I spelt that wrong....but things like a roof over my head, lack of food...I can feel my body starting to tear itself thin with stress, exhaustion... I feel the feelings of things that are all too familar. trying to force my body to be okay without food, an trying to force myself to stay positive... there isn't anything negative in my life...but that I feel like Im destroying myself with trying too much you know?
That sounds crazy an stupid...what Im trying to do just seems like a lot.. the expectations of these choices, an decisions, the heart.... all high in the sky an so far from my reach but I am trying so hard...that my doctor had heard the stress an exhaustion....she told me to keep it real, calm myself down because Im overworking myself...

If Im like this before school then what will my life be like when Im actually in school? an working a part-time job?

im trying to pull in al the friendships I have trying to trust in new ones to come along.... Its not an easy thing esepcailly for someone like me...after everything I've been through I just am done trusting...part of relationships, friendships, any kind of relations is a gaining of trust...something I am forced to work on everyday im alive an around.... I have an amazing lady in my life who knows a majority of everything about me...the dark things I've put myself in an the things that I've done....but there still a part of me that holds back you know? its natural for me an I hope that I can work through it but keep it

staying positive..everything is going to work out the way that it needs too...Im doing everything I can to be here doing my part in living....worry less...thats all I need to take care of myself an part of that is more doctors appointments an getting my body worked out so that im not so exhausted, an that I can eat things without fear....Im sad that I've reached a point in my life... that Im where I am...but Im not worried...because you know what I've got so many people who believe in me, stand by me an I know everything will be alright....these are people who are willing to do anything, be there no matter wha Im not letting go..that's all I know..

Im gonna be in school in september no matter what fighting for it because it's where I need to be in my life! I can do anything an so I'm set on going to school..taking care of keeping myself surrounded by good people...everything will be alright!


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Cant bring me down~


In all the darkness of my days, times, hours, experiences, life, everything....EVERYTHING! The good rises through these hardships...just as much as my friends rise along with me fighting for me an with me through all these things...
Ive been struggling obviously even just myself glimpsing at my last a lot has changed an some for the best an others for not so best...

I dealt with my buddy on the letter I recieved...It was a tough thing for me but it was good because it challenged me in how I would respond, How I would be there for my buddy...cause obviously these times have been vulnerable for me so when I got that letter it just really blew me outta the water....but I am glad that I had the support those days when I got that letter an I talked to the right my buddies return was difficult...but above all it was the best thing in the world, no matter how i was doing or feeling...I really love it having my support system close by.

After that..I mean days literally days after...that..I went off on my guess you could say a part of me was running from dealing with my buddy in my state of mind, the things I had done while my buddy was away...made me ashamed an scared of taking more steps backwards then i left for the canoe journey intentionally running from her...but of course...
when I got to Tribal Journeys!! Man alive was it the GREATEST place to run too!! I learned so much about myself, about my heart...about my culture, my values, my ancestors, an cultures different ones! I ran to the best place! an had the GREATEST days of my life!

The journey was fantastic...I loved everyday of it...even with all that I had to deal with an even still deal with afterwards...the memory I carry with me is the greatest of days of my life...the place to find healing, strength, an a love so pure! a family! a community of goodness! it was amazing I loved it an I am so glad that I ran in that...I was able to return more calm from lifes troubles, trials an worries...

However when I returned..I was afraid of so still struggle with those thoughts as i did before...although i have a new heart of it..a new place to grow etc....the reailty is knowing the places im at...but I guess the greatest....

No no....hold up! the greatest news ever known to the history of my life is that I am gifted with the opportunity to treasure my life...treasure the little things in my life..such as my amazing lady an her place in my life, my amazing support system....I have found something many many have not found...I dont have the luxury of a home, a place to rest my head, an i dont have the luxury of food an all that....but it's alright...because regardless that I dont have those things! I own the world because I have relationships, STRONG friendships, strong support system...I have what I need when I need alive...I feel like I've been so humbled by all these hardships of these things that had tried to worry me...

For the first time...Im alright with not knowing whats happening next...not worrying about anything because I've got everything you know? I have nothing but I have everything!

The best news is YET TO COME!!!


I have been accepted into College...all this wondering of where my life was going next, all this fear of the future, fear of failing not making it...all paid off when I returned...on July 31.09 I recieved my Acceptance letter for COLLEGE! I could not be more blessed to have this opportunity!
I have made all the proper arrangements of getting my life although i dont have a home an food...I have all these other I wrote about it...let me look......

(journal entry)
"regardleess of all these things or lack of things such as a place to live life is coming the way it needs too. I mean just being given this opportunity to go to CoLLEGE is huge! an I just have to trust in God to help provide the funding for it.. CAuse so far this is the direction I need to go... I just hope people will hear my heart. people will see my fight to live an not look at the things I lack as a reflection of the person I am. I have travelled down some pretty dark paths an had committed to darkness an pain, selfish living....Until I realized Im not meant for that. there is a light in my soul, a light in my life that keeps me fighting even though I dont have the necessities of life, I have the treasure of life. I have great friends, great support, an a heart to keep living no matter what happens or has happened"

I know that my life has been difficult the last may get difficult well guarantee it will be difficult in the future...but for some of the first moments in my life...going to College is huge for me because I never thought I was always a goal I set but never put into action until my lady came into my for that I will be eternally grateful....

So thats where Im at...regardless of my present circumstances...Im seeing the goodness.. seeing under the surface of life of finding the treasures the things I value an hold close to my heart...Im holding onto those things an hoping it'll be enough for now...trustin that it soon enough everything will come into place the way it needs too...

Until then..long past! Im well! Accepted in to College an living a life valuing every good thing in my life!