Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Beast

All the colorful faces of the beast of me....Im worried about myself today and I'm worried about what I'm doing with my life.. Im beyond scared tonight... To be constantly here and working and working an feeling alone... I recently had a fall out with my mother and it's killing me just thinking of how rude I can be.. I need some help and I need to figure out what to do.. My brother's birthday is coming up this Saturday and I have money for his birthday... I want to do something for him and we are, we have decided to have a BBQ, and its great but a majority of the money is from me..

My drinking is getting the better of me, you know it's always been smoking was my friend an now I feel like I need both when I'm under stress, the alcohol is starting to take over my life againi, and I'm lost... I have tried to reach out but Im unsuccessful with my resoucres of help..What do I do now??? Where do I turn and who do I reach out too??>>

I can't believe my life anymore! I can't believe what I'm doing anymore and sometimes I dont even understand it you know? How have I got here other than the beast of me resurfacing in my life and I'm losing my mind... I have for the best two days besides work I haven't wanted to get out of bed unless drinking was part of the plan...

Whats considered a cry for help!!! I have lost myself in all my chaos of my life and I feel alone, even though I'm in a relationship there isn't any support there... Im alone and sometimes I remember why we were supposed to break up, and other times I forget, and it's like whats the right decision!

The stress of money is more overwhelming, and the stress of throwing my evenings away because I'm working well it's too much you know???
I have no friends, hardly any family and now I'm alone... I need a way out and I need to find myself again because I'm losing it

I know I had all these aspirations going to University and I still want too, but not like this, not when I feel unstable, and not when I don't feel I have the support... I mean going through school is so beyond difficult, but this schooling is for my career!!for my future... my real future...


The darkness, the beast is flowing through me and reminding me of how alone I feel, and Im scared for myself... I know that I won't hurt myself physically, i won't kill myself, but you know when you get so low you start self-destructing in other way? drinking, drugs, and other things?

Well..lets see how everything goes..

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

work work work

So its now the middle of July... I've been through a lot but I'm working like crazy these days, an I was also asked to stay for an extra three weeks... Im pretty stoked about this opportunity because I believe it shows my character of being able to withstand the sorts of situations I go through every day..

I still enjoy my work and I'm glad to have my job... I like working with people with addictions an hope that this experience will help motivate me to want to be the change I want to see in the world... I've met hundreds of people struggling with addictions, and I've had my experience with some, and with others they are happy to have me listen to their story and sometimes that's all it takes... Im really happy to be working in this industry..

As for my relationship well it hit a rock bottom yet again and like all other fall throughs there is a getting up, and getting moving into a life of greatness.. a lot of movement between the two of us to get work together, get back into school and start living our dreams.. I'm not sure if we will stay together forever but I'm certain I want to be a support, and someone who will always care.

Anyhow.. I shall survive...

My brothers birthday is coming up the end of the month, and I couldn't help but want to celebrate and I'll be paying for his BBQ and family time, and also helping buy him some things for his birthday.. I'm really glad to be able to have the money to celebrate his birthday he definetly deserves to be celebrated..

My older sister couldn't be in greater shape, she is near 7 months clean and I couldn't be more proud to have my older sister back in my life, she looks great, is healthy and she is working on finishing school too... I couldn't be more proud of my family, and wish I could be there for them, but I've learned that if I live my life to the fullest, and follow my heart, then eventually they shall follow.. .But the more I try save them, help them, or give them some kind of help it almost seems to cripple their spirit because they believe so much I would do everything for them and I have learned how much of a toll it is on my body, spirit and mind and I decided to stop and since than, well I couldn't be more proud..

Anyhow....I thought I'd give an update and remember how great it is to live my life fully, and to keep moving forward and look forward to the future...


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The day has just begun

How do I explain my current self? I'm working five days a week now, different odd shifts but working at the most... Just today I was at a memorial for one of my tenants, and I realized how important it is to me to have my family and friends know how much I care for them.

I currently feel alone... Even though my work surrounds me with people I am currently feeling disconnected, there hasn't been much connection to the world,to my friends and family.
I feel like I move from one box of my house, to another box of work... I haven't had special time with those I care for the most.

I'm not depressed bu I feel I need some connection to people in my life..

I feel like I have so much stuff going on, and so much in my own mind... I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone, or be around anyone... Im constantly alone, repeatidly alone...

I don't regret my work because there are some good times here, but majority of my connection with people has its own limitations...

I need to start getting back into the real world and I hope that I find my friends and family members soon because I need some connection, as well as some guidance...