Friday, July 29, 2016

Heavy Heart

I can't sleep.. Its officially Friday.. I was told not to talk about nothing give it a day. In the last twenty four hours I have managed to make some regrettable decisions, withdraw from my addiction, and confess my love to this psycho lady thats in my life.
An yet.. my heart is still broken, still I feel shattered.. I feel disappointed and let down. I feel like I brought this on myself, and now I have to live with this. I can't force my mind to not think of all the things that I'm thinking. I wish I didn't know anything.
I'm about ready to cancel my trip, I'm about ready to cancel my life. The worst part is not having anyone to talk about it.. I truly took Jess for granted, and I avoided her so much because I hated how well she knew me.. but she is the only woman I can trust, she's the only voice I need to hear. I don't know myself as well as she does. You know so many people may think they know me but they don't, not like Jess.
I honestly and truly don't understand what the big deal would be about my life ending. I'm alone, I don't spend time with friends, family, all's I talk about is stress, work, and the TV shows I watch. I  know I'm just being insanely crazy but if this echo in my mind I need to let it out somewhere.
I just feel like I've lost all purpose.. that if my cats weren't here.. I'd pack up and leave.. not that I can do better anywhere else.. but I feel like I no longer matter here.
Once upon a time.. I had purpose.. I had a bright beautiful future. I destroyed it all, and then I failed and in that failure I decided to work full-time.
The only good thing about this job.. is the tenants I deal with, are basically people who respect me. my favourite thing about them is that I can walk down the street an everyone who knows me wants to say hi, they aren't turning the other way. In all my insanity I've managed to nearly treat everyone with respect and it's been returned to me. And also with this job it's giving me this great honour in being able to get my father this headstone.
I also have a vehicle, and a apartment because of this job.
The best part is hopefully.. with speaking this truth to that psycho lady, maybe she'll see what I've been saying, an that IDK! But at the same time! If I told you! if I told you what has happened in the last seven months, what has changed, what has been... I can't get it out of my mind. and IDK what I'm gonna do.. or what's gonna happen.. I wish I could.. I just need to take a break.. maybe it'll be good.. for both of us.. to be apart.. lol..
I just don't know.. I don't know what to do anymore. and I am back to my old ways, and for once again the first time... I have no one to turn too. I don't trust anyone in my life
The worst part is I basically chose this.. I chose to not go out, I chose not to socialize. I chose to let my anxiety sabotage everything good about me.
On top of it.. I can't even talk about it anymore
Love is pain... Love = pain
I hope that if I go on this trip that I can get some clarity... to find some peace, to find some sort of silver lining.. because right about now I'm completely shattered, and fragile. and if... I just can't handle anything more..
trying to move forward

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Pain Killer

It all back fired.. .everyone who's anyone who knows anything about what I did today.. It all went wrong, it all went terrible. My trip well I might cancel it or go solo.. There are voices in my head, and a strong desire of stuff.. and depression..
I'm in love with a woman who I cannot love, and i cannot escape her because she is absolutely amazing and she doesn't even know it.. and that's honestly what i love about her. I need her out of my life because she's making me crazy.. I can't think or see straight, I can't find my own centre. I can't feel free. So I planned something completely stupid.. and it back fired.
The end result, a bleeding wrist not sucidal, but for those that know me.. self-harm is my escape from everything, its not about dying but helping what I'm feeling be more real to me, or to even cause myself more harm for what I've done
I bet it's impossible for me to lose my best friend over this argument.. but I'll definitely lose something between us, and I'm not sure I can talk to her, or deal with her or be around her right now. She was the bff who was supposed to go with me to see my dad.. not that we had a huge plan, and that's partly what I love about it all.
But after today.. I can't think straight, I can't see the silver lining, and I can't see a joy or beauty in the world. all's I can see is darkness, all's I feel is pain.. an I'm being strangled repeatedly, as I breath more and more the light within me is being dimmed, burned, gone
Everyone in there stupid fucking bulshit stating that this will pass like it always does... but it doesn't feel that way! I don't see light, I don't see reason, and the people who fucking have been there for me all of a sudden aren't and now I'm alone..and being alone means very bad things!
I admitted to this woman I'm infatuated, or crazy about. I finally said it to her. I can't do it anymore. I can't focus, I can't do anything and I need her to be out of my life. and that I'm also going to destroy my I really want too.
I want to delete all forms of communication with my friends and i.. because it's what's best for this time or right now.. I reached out to my friend, the one who always shows me clarity in the tough love kinda way.. but I love is that I don't give her a chance to respond I just pretend I do.. because I want to sabotage any chance anyone has of stopping me from doing what I do
All week this week... i have poured my heart somewhere, I have opened up, I have who knows what likely only to here. and then it gets crushed, bruised, broken... I'm bleeding. my soul is dying and all's I can see is the way out being going backwards..
This is why I need this weekend for myself. I need to get away from everyone who's formed, molded me into who I am today, I need to break free from all these shackles of who they want and expect me to be.
I really thought going away with my bff would make a difference.. but bff is over.. there's no longer a time I can trust her. there's not a time I can actually know who the fuck she is. time has lapsed, just as any friendship the difference is our paths are no longer the same direction... and my future has blossomed into whatever it was, but it's time to let go?
apparently to some there's no such thing as letting go, but I can name lots of people who were only in my life for a certain time and reason.

I guess.. it's just time for me to contemplate my weekend.and figure out if I can do this.. cause right now all the wounds are fresh, and all the hurt is now.. and maybe if I sleep for two days it'll change.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

my father

this dad thing is pretty important to me.. for those that don't know or are new to my blog.. my dad died when I was 10 yrs old.. I honestly barely remember him, all's I really remember is how he made me feel. he was my hero, he was my protector.. and even as I write that.. I have flashbacks of the terrible things he had endured not because my mom didn't love him, but because she thought it was best for us not to be around him.. my dad was a drug addict and alcoholic..
My dad loved me.. he truly loved me.. he used to sneak us on the bus and go to Stanley Park, he loved taking me out for walks.. I don't actually even remember hearing him say that he loved me.. but I read it in his journal.. I see it in his words as he's written things.
for ten whole years I had a father, a father who would bring my show and tell to school because I forgot it, or would make me homemade lunches everyday, and I'm sure who also took me to DQ as often as he could. He tried he tried to quit doing drugs.. the last year of his life he was in treatment as far as I remember.
Losing my dad.. was the worst feeling I could ever feel.. the people my mom replaced for him.. were abusers.. violence, emotional abuse, and physical abuse were a strong part of my life after he died.. I'm sure was even before he died but not from my dad but from drug dealers, or my older sisters boyfriends. I wish I could forget those times.. but I'll tell you.. there was one night I was being abused and my mom and dad were in the next room, I got up and went to my dad, he got up outta bed naked and chased this guy outta the house naked! hahah love my dad.
He was my hero, he was my protector.. losing him was the biggest hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life.
Nothing can compare to that feeling..
For years I struggled with sense of belonging, sense of worth, and sense of wanting to live. numerous times I tried to die.. I wanted to be happy with my dad.. I wanted the pain to stop.. I spent more time in foster care, more time in group homes, and some time on the streets..just to avoid what was happening at home, believe you me it wasn't my mom.. but my mom couldn't stand up to these men and as a result my brothers and i suffered..
I struggled and struggle with my life for some time.. cutting is my outlet has always been my outlet, popping pills, drinking, that's about all my outlets right there. i spent way too much time in the Psych ward in Vancouver's hospitals.. to the point that I honestly believe this is why I'll never be part of the law enforcement.. as much as I can help change the world I can't do that wearing a uniform, my history and the things in my head are too much for the uniform.

I think I told my dad... I wanted to wear a uniform.. I think that's why it tugged at my heart for so long, but here I am not doing that.. but I know now why I don't do that.
anyway this is about my dad.. he died of a drug overdose in the DTES in Vancouver, he became another statistic of someone struggling with addiction.. it's because of his death I would never do hardcore drugs.. at least I tried not too.. but at the same time I always yearned for it because I thought it would help but it wouldn't lol! I'm very lucky, someone was always watching out for me and I never had that problem
anyway for years I didn't think of my dad and where he's at.. but when my uncle passed away what two or three years ago. there was such a significance of my moms family coming together and putting a headstone on his grave.. I decided that was a way I can honour my father too.
I loved my dad and I never knew how I can honour that so beautifully until this happened and now I'm going up to see my dads grave before I go up again and put a beautiful headstone on his grave. this is my way of honouring him and all he had done for me, all he had meant to me.
RIP daddy.. I hope he knows how much i love and miss him! I hope to see him again! it'd be great to hear that he's proud of me.. I couldn't even imagine what that'd sound like lol

Insanity at it's best

Let's hope this insanity that I am feeling is only temporary but I know that I have to write it out because the more I am sitting here contemplating it all the more my anxiety is rising and I'm getting terrified.
So I've planned my secret trip to Ft. St. James this has been the home of my father for over 20 yrs, he's buried there.. and for the FIRSt time in my entire life! I am going to honour him in such a significant way, just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes! I am getting my father a headstone that I'm ordering online, it will be shipped to me, and I'll drive back to Ft. St. James to watch them put the headstone on my father's grave. This to me is the most significant thing I have done, besides all my sexy tattoos that are for significant moments in my life. this is a way to honour him like no one else! I wish I could remember him, I wish I could see his picture and remember everything..
I've survived specific kinds of abuse that have traumatized me in such a way that I cannot remember my past as much as I'd like. I don't remember who it was, but someone in my life had made me write everything I could remember out on paper, and now those papers are missing.. maybe it'd be helpful if I found them.
Anyway.. I'm being faced with some tough questions, and I bet you anything! my friend will think I'm crazy when she gets my text. I have been maybe losing my mind a little, maybe IDK! maybe it's because I don't understand some things sometimes? it doesn't make sense! It really doesn't! an maybe that's whats making things crazy for me.

I'm completely insane.. this crazy lady in my life! maybe because I know she's insane, and she's not allowing me to be set free from her.. but I just don't get what she gets outta being in my life? I give her a lot of texts, emails, snapchat, everything  but I strive for her attention just as much? maybe that's what it is? maybe I'm crazy? OMG! i'm losing my mind! and no matter how many people I put between us, it all always comes to the same result and therefore I need something to distract me! I need someone something anything to get me outta of this psycho mindset because this will never work! I need to be set free from these things and it's so hard I can't let go, but every time I try, it all comes back like a snow storm IDK! I've been trying so hard.. and I can't break free of this feeling and it's making me crazy :( at the same time maybe this is what's meant to be.. its rare I think anyway for me to feel this way and for it to be so insane. but maybe I've given too much power to it.. and even when I try break free it's grasps onto my soul, my heart and I'm pulled right back into it! like a gawd damn addiction it's making me crazy!
I don't know what to do!

I need to get away! I need time away from my phone! time away from work! time away from being needed!.. time to find my own centre, my own beauty again.. because I am great, I am accomplished I'm just about to throw it all away for someone.. who can't be in my life, who shouldn't be in my life.

I'm questioning every relationship I have with anyone! how do these connections happen, and how do I not feel this way about them than about this one? why is it so hard to shake this feeling :( I need help lol.I can't get past my feeling without distraction, without IDK.

I refuse to let myself say what I feel, and i let this anxiety grip me like a snake to prey, and then I lose my mind like right about now. where I have to ask my lady the most sacred question of why I would ask her why we're friends..and she's awesome! I love her! in the purest of love, the purest piece of my soul that can have complete an utter love, I love her she has been my greatest friend. and her answering that question makes a calmness come over me, like I know this is crazy! I am crazy and at the same time what I am doing about it all right now is important!
this is what I need! this is what i need to lose this grip between the two of us! because I need her gone! no I don't need her gone! but I need her to be distracted enough to avoid and not respond to me to make me feel like shit! so that I'm not feeling what I'm feeling and I can hopefully find my peace that can help me find my centre and keep moving forward! Need her and I to be friends, in a way of different greatness.. because there's something great about us, something beautiful in our hearts, or our heads, lol whatever it is.. it's great and that's why it's so hard to let go of that.

I'm grateful for all the amazing people in my life,.. an i'm grateful for this lady! I have never lied and been so honest all in one, and I've never felt the way I feel the way I feel it, and yet even though she's a straight woman, I feel what I feel and I know I hope it'll go away... I hope it'll go away because I know it has too. because if ever there came a time where something could happen I would not act on this thing at all! i couldn't I couldn't lose her from my life for something so small, so not important. I've seen what happens, I have felt what happens and I can't let that happen to us! does that make sense!

It's all good.. I am deciding right about now that I'm being insane, not seeing things clearly which I normally would.. But I think with this weekend coming up, everything doesn't make sense and I'm scared so instead of being scared about this weekend I'm allowing that feeling drift into this friendship with this lady who's crazy (not really) but she's making me crazy only because I value her, and see her doing way better than where she's currently at with her life. and maybe that's what I'm here for? to encourage her and push her to do better things.. or maybe I'm here to be miserable and weird and psycho lol... only time will tell!

KEEP MOVING FORWARD even when the skies look grey, cause the sun will shine in the morning! i'm not crazy hahah

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

reality and script

I know it might sound insane... I might be losing my mind in this idea that movies and tv are reality, well the concept of how realistic these movies might be...
When I watched Smallville starting in 2001, it brought me hope... It made me believe that it's possible to make change, it's possible to change your destiny, and it's possible to become your own person, and to be able to believe in heroes, to believe that we can be a hero..
In 2004 I didn't get to watch "The L Word" but I watched this series about 5 yrs ago and that had me believe that it's possible to have a long lasting relationship, as well as friendship with people. It had me believe in connections, had me see the beauty of coming out as a lesbian, it definitely has been tough for some women that I know.. and I am grateful for my mother.. I have to say when I told her about myself.. she said "I already knew" she knew who I was before I did. But with watching the L word I realized I could be who I am, and I don't need the labels.. I don't need to dress like a girl all the time, and I don't want to dress like a boy and look like a boy. I want to create my own style, my own beauty the way I see the beauty in myself.
In 2010 I began watching "Rookie Blue" I honestly had hope that I'd one day be able to serve and protect, I strongly believe I was able to do this.. That there was so much opportunity for change, I watched Rookie Blue for all the 5 years it aired, I had people I know watching this masterpiece. This once again a reminder of the people in uniform who serve, and how grateful I am to have them (some) of them serving in my community. I wish that more officers would show a little more compassion, or leave their judgements at home. I still walk down DTES and see police and immediately think I've done something wrong.. so many of them come into my work, and in my work I am the all mighty powerful boss, and it seems well.. but as soon as I step out of my work.. I'm just another trouble maker, likely selling drugs, or running drugs, or selling my ass. the cops make me worry and I don't think that can change.. there's so much stain on their badges, and recently someone said to me not all police officers are bad..but really if they aren't ALL bad that what are the good ones doing to make change? it's a choice to allow another officer bully people, or make judgements, and if the good ones don't feel comfortable enforcing these values, or reporting it to their superiors then Vancouver has some serious issues with the police chief.
An than there was Orange Is the New Black, I watched this with connection of wanting to know each person story, because like so many people who are spending time in jail, they aren't just a number or another white, black, first nation person in jail. Each person has their story.
Than I was introduced to "Wentworth" 2013 I started watching it probably two years ago.. and I have always been in AWE! Of this amazing writing, each episode has caught me off guard, each time I'm just amazed! I'm so happy to watch it!
But today.. I can't say what happens as it's not out yet I'm sure. but I can my heart is broken, this is a great sadness that hits home for me.
To imagine the things that I am enduring right now, and all these paths that I'm on, and all this uncertainty. I'm in love.. I'm infatuated with two women in my life.. I can't deny what I feel for them, I just absolutely adore them both.. I doubt either feel anything for me, but I can't tell you what it's like just to see her face,and the warmth of her smile as she sees me.. maybe she's playing games, maybe she isn't interested, and like many say maybe she's just leading me on.. or maybe she doesn't know. But I feel for her more than ever, and yet even if she had a chance to come to me,she had a momentary lapse in her judgement.. I think I'm past being able to be with her, I'd rather keep her in my life as a friend, than lose her because she's uncertain. that's how amazing this woman is.
At the same time some of my staff believe that I continue with keeping people at a distance because I'm afraid of getting hurt.. I'm afraid of what someone would do to me.. I've been hurt as I'm sure many people have..It's hard for me to trust, and/or believe that someone would stay with me... cause like so many others I have my own baggage, my own issues that I haven't dealt with.. it's hard to deal with those issues when I have trust issues.. the one woman I trusted she left the field an it's unimaginable of ever trying to replace her.. so here I am.. writing my heart out.. because its broken, and it makes me worry..
Is it really true.. Can we not find happiness? I know so many woman, men, married people.. who have gone through marriage, cheating, divorce, or people who were together for years and broke up, its a traitorous situation to ever be in... I always like the idea of just dating.. because I'd never have to get close to anyone, but i look around at the world, and people keep telling me were are people who crave companionship, connection, sense of belonging.
I'm too scared for all of that right now...
Through the years of my TV shows, my movies... it's rarely ever seen that happily ever after happens, cause that only happens in Disney movies.. the reality of the world is nothing lasts forever. but if nothing lasts forever does that mean friendships too?
I've had friends who've been in my life for longer than seven years, but is that forever? according to google it is.. but what if it's not? what if it's true we will all die alone, broken, bruised and bleeding. what if this is it..
I'm losing my mind. and I know it.. I wish i could stop watching TV.. but I can't cause script and TV is more real to me than people in my life.. I can't do anything but live a very complex life and I've been so comfortable with this life. I don't think I have room for reality, or relationships and after today. I don't think I want to do it. I'm so afraid of losing that... I can't lose that because that would hurt me more than anything ever could, and with that kind/type of brokenness I couldn't survive that, I'm really sorry! I pretend I'm strong, I pretend that I can handle anything but this.. I could not, and I know exactly how I'd react.. I can't chance that..

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Things aren't what they seem

Maybe I'm just crazy insane and the reality is that I have been through a lot, and so I guess in some ways I am stronger but in others I'm weaker, or more fragile. Someone can easily tip the balance of my greatness... an aklees heal or whatever that word is.
Today that was tested, and I'll tell you now... for the first time in a long time I was thinking of the end, thinking of the things that make what i'm going through easier. wanting so desperately to do something stupid because I was hurt.
I'm still trying to be ok with the fact that I am still standing,and my life is still what it was yesterday.
I guess as much as I'm cut out for this amazing life, in some ways I can see my talents wasting away, and for the first time I see my soul dying, things are so dark now a days. alls I want to do is get in my vehicle and drive, and maybe its time for that.. maybe I should go... away for a few days.
However Im also scared to be honest... scared because theres only one place I want to go.. and that's to my dad... it's been over 10 yrs since I showed up at my dads grave site... I guess it's time. But the best news on that note is my dad's mom (grandma) has given me permission to buy a headstone for my dad... from what i remember he only has a somewhat worn out cross.. it's been there for about 21 yrs. I'm grateful that she is allowing me to honour my father in this way.. I cannot describe how I feel about him, except that he was my hero and that should be enough for someone to recognize how much I loved him.
I guess I'm just sad today... it was terrible day, and going through it all alone.. Once upon a time about 3 or 4 years ago I had someone to talk too... But I'll tell you people deal with death in different ways, and I'll tell you i wanted my life to end, I pushed everyone that mattered to me away.. I closed all doors to people who were there for me... the only one that withstood my reign of terror of being completely broken was Robyn.. All these things I asked of her back than... I just wish I could honour her friendship, and her beauty and greatness as she has been a huge support in my life.
Anyway.. I don't have anyone today... And with the gossip and b.s of co-workers and staff and whoever else connected to that, there's always a fear it will get back to me.. so here I am being vague and expressing that today some bad memories uprose and I realized I'm a bit fragile.. and that I might have some more stuff I need to work on.
on a honest note a small part of me wishes I never came out of the dark places.. It was so much easier to be irresponsible, and easier to put a bottle in my hand, and a smoke in my mouth... rather than feeling what I feel right now, to be all tough and gangster because of the people I hung around. I see those same amazing people, still stuck in the life, and they come into my building... it breaks my heart and it reminds me why i need to be grateful I am where I am.. I just wish... I was more influential to those that are still in darkness.
Once upon time. In Ontario.. I was a bit ashamed at the colour of my skin, the history of my life. An one woman comes to mind, she approached me, got all up in my personal space and reached over with her hand to my chin, she said don't ever be ashamed, walk with grace, don't show them your fear when you look down. IDK I can't remember exactly but every time i catch myself looking down in some sort of shame, I hear her telling me to lift my head up. :) RIP my dear friend.

When can I have a break?