hold onto hope

 has there ever been a time where a part of you wished you didn't know? Im struggling because as I said so many times... we're in a weird place, a difficult place, and it hurts more and more. 

  For another time.. i get to hear the reassurance but there's some reality to go with it, and that is what hurts... because I have to continue to find hope, hold onto it and give that even when I feel like it may be lost, and I hope.. I hope for a better day to come soon.. 
I found myself driving..and stupid music tied to our love... and it makes me think... or remember moments in our lives, that were beautiful, lovely and fun.. and then it goes back to reality of knowing we aren't even together as of yet... we are still apart. 
I worry.. I grow with worry more and more with all the things going on, and all the people that could be.. I don't have to worry about myself because I remain loyal on my own. 

and today.. my partner had said the same thing, and it brings me so muhc happiness.. but it also is a reminder... that we are or may be insanely crazy..because I dont know why. why is this different..
you know..

I look back at our beginning, and it is hilarious and funny, and Im crazy in all my forms.. adn yet my partner stood by me... only reason she tried to leave me because she knew that she would have to go through all this medical stuff.. and so I have stood our ground, and just trying to hold onto that, because who doesn't deserve hope in dark times? she deserves to feel my love, and have my love, my loyalty and commitment, I don't want to bail. I dont want to find something else.. because our love is deep. our love is beautiful. I remmeber what it felt like... to hold her, to kiss her, to walk next to her. we deserve happiness, we deserve beauty and thats what we can have... but in this time.. in this chapter.. things are difficult, painful, and there is doubt trying to grow.. and I have to make the continous effort to remind us both... we are in this together, that no matter what the doctor says, no matter what her mind says.. I am here. and there's nothing else I'd rather.. no one.. nowhere.. I just want to be iwth her. 

it hurts.. it's not easy... its really difficult.. and for a small portion of all that.. it brought me way back!!! WAY BACK. to someone.. honestly...someone I loved above all others.. honestly... if there was a true love I felt that was it. but maybe Im wrong.. as I ended losing touch, and moving back here to Vancouver. regardless the depth and loyalty and idea of the future.. it reminds of that.. and it makes me want it beyond everyhting.. and that is what maks me crazy. 

I have to move forward. I have to hold onto her. because we are beautiful. we can and will accomplish things.. travel, love, and fmaily, our love story has barely begun and I already waiting for the next chapter because she makes me wrold and life feel lively.. and hopeful.. 

I cannot describe it.. and I wish I could. I love her more than love has ever had an expression of it.. deeper than any ocean or abyss.. I treasure her as my most prized possession. I'd do anything, be anything.. and I feel she feels the same. and thats waht makes this hope easy to hang onto..

I guess have to stop writing.. as my son has shown up needs snuggles before bed. 

mind race

 Is it ok to write about the mind race I am currently having and all that has happened or continued to happen.. I am seriously struggling with this feeling.. I dont understand life right now.. reason for existing if it may.. you ever look at all the people in your life and wonder how you are even connected to them? I am in this weird space where I wonder why my friends are my friends... 

the job I do, work i do.. basically says I am this specific type of person, who seems what heartless? I dont know for sure. whatever it may be.. thats what Im labeled as, and yet out side of that.. I have list of people who are my down to earth friends, people I can call at teh drop of a hat, or people who've known me forever and know me in moments that are dark.. 

i don't understand the luxury of these friendships..

even as a mom.. hearing about the short comings of other moms, or being super judgmental to hear that they are on a budget even tho I guarantee they get some sort of child tax, which is supposed to cover the cost for that kid isn't it? so how do you live a life so out of the world that cant afford simple housing and clothes and food for those kids.
i was looked at... as someone who is to be judged.. which I thougth was strange.. to be on the other end of that.. to know that I've taken my kid to the USA, California, that we stopped wherever our hearts desired, we went to whatever parks, zoos whatever we wanted, oceans, etx. and even here at home.. we went everywhere, to the island, to the north, wherever... and to hear that these other families struggle so much..it reminds me why I keep my job, it reminds me why I do what I do, and why I have to stay in this.. because my kid..of all things deserves to grow up good..whatever good may be.. 

other than that.. Im struggling.. with thoughts..of death..not death of anyone but myself.. I have these dark moments, and I wonder how I get through them, because i have obviously had these moments a lot through my years, so I odn't know how i got through them before, but I need to know.. and in these dark moments my partner..is the only person I see...

I desire. I long, I want to be with my partner, I want to look into her eyes, and kiss her lips, walk down the street holding her hand, whatever the case may be.. I want it.. and it is what gets me through the days.. the idea that we will be back there.. I will speak that into the universe.r
Recently my partner sent me a message telling me how muhc she wants to be with me, and how she is going to stay with me for over a week, or weeks, and I thougth damn what am I going to do with her for that long, it will be so amazing, and akward its like getting to know her all over again.. but the love I have for her, is deeper than any love..

but tonight that love.. reminded me of someone...and for the first time I wonder if what I am thinking is what is real, or what is not real, and I don't know how to figure it out... I am losing my mind, and Im scared to ask, Im scared to try say something, anything. Im hiding myself, and in that I am crying while I do dishes, or clean the house because alls I want to do is something bad.. something really bad.. cause Im hurting.. Im hurting in these dark spaces on my own. 

racing mind

 Im in one of those mind races where Im trying to figure out what scenerio fits best... trying to figure out if I made the right decision... if this is the right path.. 

But then when my phone gets a message and it's her... I literally have butterflies, I literally smile at her messages, and Im sure she does the same. I am happy that she says I bring her joy and happiness, I wish I could bring her peace and relief from the pain she has to endure. 
I wish I could hold her and keep her safe from it, but I can't... I have to endure this chapter in our lives.. 

It is not easy!!!

most of the time I honestly want to race through the city just to find her, spend 5 minutes with her, just bathing in our love and happiness, you know in all the time we spent together the last few months have been super challenging, always something coming up for her, and always having to be patient. but then I have memories, moments where I remember... I remember the greatest moments in things as random as holding her hand, kissing her lips, or laying next to her and never feeling more safe, or listening to her say the common thing people randomly say because we seen it on TV, I'll kill someone for you, or I'll hurt anyone who hurts you.
you know all the cheesy stuff.

I hold onto to these memories of who we were and who we will be in the future. how much of the future I believe in that I cannot have it any other way. 

I've never felt this strongly about allowing myself to be set aside, and to focus on her healing, i am grateful it makes me feel like I've grown, but I wish.. I wish just for once we could give me one of my wishes as we travel through this time.
I like the idea of the country opening up, and being able to travel, so many sites I want to take her too, so many ideas... and then I start thinking about marriage, and what does that look like, and how do I want to make her happy in sense of purposing for her to be mine forever. 

its weird to think that way, but the reality is that we knew... it's like we knew from the time we got together to our first nights together, we knew something is different in this relationship then most.. and part of it Im sure terrifies us, but the other part consumes us, and makes us want to surround ourselves in that love. you know?

I just hope... I give everything I have.. I hope that she comes back to me.. how amazing it will be when she is fianlly well eough to come to my home, our home that I have tried to build for us. 

other than that... I feel like it's all I talk about.. but honestly.. its not an easy situation its a difficult time in our lives, that I feel like I have to worrry about her, and myeself. 

I have hope for a better future, I believe in her, I believe in her love, that we will make it through this and we will be ok, we will grow so much more strongly in the future.. 

anyway... I am who I am,and I will not love anyone as much as I love her, there is no graeater bond or connection that I have with anyone but her.. and I want the best for us, I want us to grow, and to live, and to laugh, to make plans, to travel, to get married, have kids etx. 
however is it traditional to have to ask the parent for hand in marriage? or is that just a bs fairy tale? can I just skip past that? does it matter ? 
I have to review this situation with her because honestly it's been awhile since her and i talked about what it would look like and what our plan is, but I honestly didn't write it down, because I don't know... I usually remember stuff like that... 
Maybe Im just insanely crazy... 

Love me Now

 So... I dont know what to say think or do... I spent the last 24 hours replaying everything in my life the last few months, the good moments where I thought about the future I could have had, and also the pain I felt in what she had been saying. 

theres so much that is going on for her that she cannot focus on me, she cannot be forced to think of me, or go through whatever with me.. I don't know the bs.. all's I know her energy, and focus needs to be on herself, on her healing, on her ability to get through this shitty time of her life..
and so I had to make a decision.. 

to tell her that... I understand this, I know how important living can be, and how important it is to let her live her life to the point of finding her purpose in it.
all day i thought about why she hadn't been responding and what to say next, as my mind raced through every scenerio even in the last week of hearing her spout the BS of forever, and marriage, and kids etx.

so when she finally talked to me.. it should have been obvious that I'd know she was in the hospital all this time that i've been fighting to stay in this relationship, she's been dealing with her health issues, as severe as they are. 

I talked to her, explained that I know how important that is for her.. it's not like Im asking for marriage, move in, life forever enveloped in me. or whatever.  so for whatever reason we came up with compromise.. to let us take a breather rather than saying goodbye, because our love is still strong, we still want one another, we still see this as the epic forever love, the only reason we or she is unable to give me the full amount of that love is for what she is going through.
so instead.... she gets to focus on everyhting for herself, I get to lavish the love i have onto her, whether in person or  a distance. regardless the conculsion is that she doesn't want to lose me, she doesnt want to go through this stage in her life alone... and I am willing to stand here, willing to be a strength that she needs in a time that she needs it. 

I don't know what the damn right decision is.. all's i know is that I have to let her live to the point she finds reason and prpose to live, whether that be for me or anyone else. 

Its not a easy choice to yet again put all teh stfuff about me better. 

as i repetedly said... it is but one chapter of our lives.. forever is forever and what we are dealing with at this time in this place is temporary..
adn that is why she is 

Love wins 

thats all i would want for us... 

Love that doesn't endure

 Stay strong they said... endure it they said.. put up with it they said.. I recently was told Im the better person because I have been standing idly by as my partner had ignored me, to deal with medical issues, as much as I fought my own nature. I stood by and let it be.. because I recently wrote that this was one small chapter in forever, and no matter what the storm may bring, i stood by.. an now after 6 months.. of wishing, wanting, desiring, wanting more than anything to be in the happiness we shared when we first got together.. 

it's over... 

It's hard to go through this idea... knowing full well I've been trying.. trying to stand by, trying to not need anything, not even crying to them about how hurt I feel that can't be talked too, can't be seen, and can't enjoy our lives because of what their going through. I tried.. 
recently in some messages they had said shit about marriage, and it made me so happy, to hear that there was a future, that all this endurance would mean something, but now here we are, with nothing.. nothing but pain.

you know months ago I had said I believed in their love, didn't doubt it, and then all this BS happened and I started to because they have been incapable of the love, they feel nothing for me.. because they are unable to do so.. and so I stood by.. and let them deal and in doing that... in making the decision.. they have left me.

I want to fight for the love we had, I want to stand by even though they want nothing to do with me, adn that is what makes me the pathetic loser...

Very rarely have I been in a relationship that was good.. so many have been painful and destructive.. adn this one has been different.. in dealing with all their stuff, in being a new mom.. I tried.. I tried so hard and failed so hard. 
I dont know what to do now... 

How do I move on.. move forward.. knowing full well that there is nothing good here anymore.. 

They asked why I loved them.. I loved them for multitude of reasons but mainly because we were not willing to give up on one another during a time we needed that love 

I just tried.. I tried to stand by.. I tried to not be anything.. and in doing that i became invisible, easy to leave behind.. not even worth the fight to stay together.. even though I am fighting to stay, what is the real point.. I feel like they had checked out and just kept holding onto me? gaining nothing from me.
I don't know.. 

I guess.. I don't know..

it's unbelievable.. do you know how hard it is to be loved by someone who's willing to walk away from me? how hard it is to endure this.. I was willing.. I was standing aside.. and it wasn't good enough.. and now all's Im going to think about is how much this hurts and hopefully stop letting them come into my life, knowing I dont matter.. I'm hurt.. Im hurting. and alls I want to do is destroy everything.. burn down bridges.. burn down everything that we built in the 6 months.. 

I feel so hurt 

fight for time w/you

 Im in a weird head space... common I guess.. but I'm realizing that I don't know why she would want to be with me but not be with me.. what I mean by that.. we are together have been and the last few months hasn't been that much fun... I don't get to see her everyday, random texts but not really connected.. we are together but not together.. at this stage in our relationship I guess I expected the whole package... recently we were talking and of course when we get to talking forever always comes up, and she continued to hint at marriage, or whatever.. and I realize now.. I don't know what that would look like

is there a reason besides her health issues why she won't come to me, be with me, talk to me, let me in her life. it really bothers me.. maybe its my own fault, maybe because I bailed on her once that she thinks I'd do it again. with the ways things have been going I feel like it.. it's hard to stay strong, it's hard to not have needs, and I don't mean sexual, I mean meaningful, connection with the person I allegedly am spending the rest of my life with, and every time I try to bring it up.. I allegedly am being selfish.. because I want time.. I want her with me.. I want her to spend time with us at home like we used too, I want to sleep in my bed.. wake up with her. 

I want to make plans that aren't maybe.. but guarantees.. I want to spend the time I have on the earth with the person I love.. and yet in saying that.. I have to mindful.

my partner is going through some serious medical issues...I understand..but the thing is.. she is able to fully function going to work, and making mostly all her appts, but when it comes to spending time with the person she allegedly loves...there's no time, there's too mcuh energy in wanting her to come lay next to me, or come watch a movie, or go to the park, or sit in a dark room, where we have AC, I don't get it.. but in writing it out..maybe thats the answer..
Reading that she has all these important things but then when it comes to me she doesn't have time.. recently what had stuck with me.. was that she had said "I dont have time to entertain you when Im dealing wtih my own health issues" not exact words but basically saying I wasn't important enough for her to talk to, text or call because Im not good enough.

then on another conversation she had said something, then it was this shit about getting married.. I feel like Im not in a relationship that is meaningful or good. when we first got together it was good, we helepd, supported, adn appreciated one another.
I want to be those things for her now but she's made it clear that I can't, or she won't allow me. every time I try to talk to her, it ends up an argument.. and/or I am being selfish for asking for time, for asking for her energy to be with me.

people ask why do I stay.. why am I not running..
Answer is the same.. I love her. what she is going through is super shitty and she should not have to go through that alone, and even though majority of the time she won't let me be there for her, I am with her, I send her messages, keep her as uplifted as I can.
She tells me that she is only doing all this to live for me.. keeping her promise to stand by me, loving me or whatever. 

I don't know what the truth is behind why she won't walk away. I don't know if I should believe her.

I did once.. I remember I wrote about having faith in her love.. and I did, I do. but it's waivering because she is leaving me in the dark like this, and leaving me outside looking in, not completely or fully satisfied and I don't get the reason for that, I don't understand why someone would want to stand alone, but again maybe it's because I bailed on her before so maybe she's waiting for that? even though I won't...
I'll suffer here on my own.. hoping an waiting for this shitty painful chapter to end, so we can get onto the happiness we both deserve..
i feel like that's the other reason I stay.. is because this isn't our forever, this is but a chapter in our lives of forever, adn we have to be strong, we have to endure, adn then the good fruits of standing here alone will bear.. and we will be able to live in our happiness? 
IDK

Im hurt right now.. and apart from cutting.. I don't know what else to do.. I won't talk to friends about us because their answer always the same, and I don't want that, if I did..then maybe I wouldn't be here still..

can't she just love me.. want to be with me? come around? why does she let herself suffer alone.. why won't she let me in this part of her life...