Saturday, January 30, 2010
Dont have to explain to me... don't try this with me it's not going to work.
I talk about being here for my family and make it as if I'm chained to this place and this crap of things that are holding me back..when reality is... there's nothing nothing else that I could be doing that would better me at any point. I'm a moster, the beast and just... the days are counting as I'm seeing more and more how messed up I'm getting.
Today I heard the words, I felt the adrenaline, felt the hatred, felt the heat, and i felt every horrible feeling I could feel.. I felt like a lion winding down on it's prey.. just before it happened I stopped and realized what I had just done. I just hurt someone i care for, I hurt myself..I just caused so much fear.. that button that trigger was tested and for a few seconds I didn't even know what was happening and than I heard my own voice, and felt the fist in my hand, felt the blood begin to drp from my hand..and I realized what I was doing... talk about feeling ashamed.
Tomorrow I leave..and honestly I'm looking at this as an opportunity to for them to have freedom..not to be locked down, chained down by the fear of me.. when those you love fear you more than ever, than thats when I must back off because one day it could cost me my life... I am really outta of it these days.
I was thinking about it too.. It reminded me of the damage I went through growing up, and even just bringing it up anxiety began to develop in me as I realized what I am becoming, who I'm becoming and just the monster I am.. and I can only hope that in realizing these things I can change. because honestly if not..there will be no celebration only pain. dont ask me to celebrate days when i'm beginning to see my own true colours.. I'm freakin hating myself right now.
Hating the environment that I grew up, the words, the abuse, the pain everything I hate it all! I'm tired of people telling me that its all for a reason.. look what I've become..really look at me look at what I've become..I'm a moster, I'm a villain and I'm just freakin hating myself tonight.. I have to stop.. or I will destroy my everything, I'll destroy the bridges of relationships i have, I'll really screw everything up if I keep up like this... to look in the eyes of someone i care for and realize what I've done, what I've become...there isn't a moment at any point in my life that I wanted to die so badly i would've done it right than and there. I am ashamed of myself and everything I'm becoming and everything my mind is telling me that I am.. who I am, and what I am.. the beast. the hatred feeling...boils in me..
What a disgrace of a worthless life.. to even.. just imagine what I've done and the pain I've caused...made me realize how many more things have i done? too many to count too much shame, pain, heartache...they are better off without me. this was stupid.. so stupid... and i just am feeling so stupid.shitty, what was I thinking...look at what I've become!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I have finally found a place to live and will be moving in this weekend, and then there was stress about my cat. and than just everything! everything was too much feeling, too much emotion.. It literally bothered me once again to hear how people are there for me.. because you know what in all the broken mess of today I didn't see anyone! i went through the events today being able to make it on my own.
I recieved a letter about my finances today.. there is so much stuff i need to catch up on and wish I could. my cell phone is on the verge of getting cut off and I'm feeling like nows that time to just go an hide away for the next few weeks hiding in my house! OH MY GOODNESS! i have my own space, my own living space no worries about anyone! I have my space! I cannot even wait to be there to be away from all the drama. It almost as if I'm at the point that it doesn't bother me that my phone would get cut off because what do I need from anyone anyhow? lol
I actually was thinking about this today.. am I really?? terrible if I wanted to hide away for the next few weeks? there is an underlying reason but it doesn't need to be talked about.. but I just honestly honestly really surely with every part of me I just need to be you know? I need to rest.. I need to know that after everything I've worked through it's all coming together. I'm feeling overwhelmed by all these things.. For a few brief moments of today I felt inadequate and we all know how that makes me feel... I got angry and nearly hit someone, beat up a metal fence.. I was boiling with anger because I felt small, I felt stupid and I just did not feel heard today and that was what made me nearly go off the handle.
I was able to calm myself down and get things dealt with and now my cat is with me, and we are home in our temporary home and we are about to go to sleep..
I dont think I've ever loved an animal well..nevermind I loved a cat in ontario. but for me having my own pet my own animal.. I dont think I've ever loved any animal more than I love my own cat. I've had her for so long..and she has been the best comfort for me in the darkest of my days..and I cannot even describe to you how she has been the best..so I've done everything i can to get her safe and sound and now that this is dealt with I can finally get back into buisness of the tasks I have before me..
After all this you know.... i just need days of rest. I need to sleep. i need to not have to move, not have to worry and not have to care about anything at all! that's what I really need right now... and i hope in the days to follow I will have that and I'll just be happy in my own space I can't wait for that day!
There is a lot on my mind. a lot I need to talk about..but I'm too tired..I still stand by all that I stood by.. and I'm still doing everything I was doing. but I'm realizing more and more the boundaries that need to be set for me so that I don't get as overwhelmed as I had today.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
You know recently I wrote about how it affects me to have people or have a world view of who I am and what i am about, being called nothing or worthless. I had expressed what would happen or has happened when people would bring this stumbling block before me.
Than today happened and i could not even describe the impact or feelings that are fluttering in me to think of what's going on in my city.
Last night someone or a group of people thought it would be cool to burn a totem pole that a chief had been working on. The totem pole was signifcant because the man who was working on it was a respected elder in the community. the part that impacts me... is that someone had the desire to have some fun and gain nothing by starting a fire with a totem pole.. Something that my culture holds strong too, in many parts of our city there are totem poles, there are stores that sell totem poles and there lives being changed and transformed when lookng or carving such a beautiful piece of art.
The thing that impacted me.. was that this man.. is an elder.. and sometimes no most of the time that's all needs to be said to me.. i thought that it bothered me when people called me nothing, worthless even.. but than I heard about the choices and decisions that were made.. and honestly I could not imagine what kind of pain or disappointment it was for this chief to have to make his work of art into kindling, and fire wood.
I could not imagine the kind of pain he must've been feeling.. and because he's native his first reaction is well it wasn't that good anyhow.. it doesn't matter to me whether it was good or not.. it was his art, this is how he shows the world who he is, and what he is about. and someone decided to set it on fire. and you know whats strange? is that no one knows what happened.. isn't that something? I spent the day there gathering the cut up pieces of this carving project, and i was raking pieces... and do you know how many people came and asked what happened? Do you know how many people had already heard what had happened before anyone told them? and yet there is not one person who can clearly come and say this is what happened, this is who did it..
What glory is it in destroying a man's work of art.. I do not personally know this man.. But I hold him in an honoring place. because he's an elder and because he has a gift in sharing his talents of his work of art with the community and sharing our culture with many others. and here it was being chopped up.. as to say what? his work is not valuable? to say he wasn't valuable? this really bothered me because I really am just disappointed..and I had to drive by the other two carvings of totem poles because i was worried. and I needed to know before I go to sleep tonight that at 9pm tonight they were fine.
i'm really disappointed. and i feel really sad that this has happened. I feel whatever it is that is within me to feel it..but it is something.. and it bothers me that no one has come forward, it bothers me that these people group, kids whomever they were thought this was going to be done for fun...
In seeing the events of today.. and the events of yesterday and the impact that i've been seeing. i feel like i know what I want to do.. i want to share my culture, and I want to help troubled youth in their lives...
My immediate thoughts are ok what must i do to get through my own struggles, get the strength i need, the counselling I need, the pride I need, to be who I am and where I am without worry.
there is a lot I must learn, a lot I want to learn. and a lot I must do to change my life, to have my life reflect my words and a lot of need for stablity.. and all this comes together in time. and until than i am happy to be a part of these youth organizations that help youth, and I'm happy to write letters of support because that's who i am.. I have been able to see the impact these youth organization has had on youth.. and the impact they have had on my life.. and I'm happy to write those letters, and happy to be a part of this community.
On another note!!
Someone.. well two of my friends actually thought today was my birthday.. a part of me honestly wished it had been.. because the love and celebration of today even in the midst of disappoointment and pain of today.. it was a nice gesture. i have kept them in the dark about when my birthday actually is..
I was thinking about it today... after my two friends called me up thinking it was my birthday or wrote me an e-mail etc..
Anyhow is it okay that it bothers me about my birthday?
I know the significance of this years birthday.. but you know.. the only great birthday I had was when I was at NLGH! that was honestly the greatest birthday in my entire life! the cakes, the presents, the love..everything was so great. and than the next birthday that i loved..was when i first moved back to BC my family all made me a birthday card and my sister made me the biggest card ever! I loved it!
But other than those two times.. my birthday has never been something i want to celebrate..it's difficult to celebrate my birthday when I've been disappointed so much you know? when there were expectations or desires and it all fell through, or when I was younger and being told I wasn't meant to be, and how I was just nothing and worthless.. so for me to celebrate my birthday.. it's just not necessary.. I just e-mailed my lady..and said everyday is a celebration of the love we have for one another.. everyday we celebrate our relationship, and just all these things.. its difficult for me to make a big thing about my birthday because it honestly just doesn't seem worth it anymore..and for me to say that it makes me sad..but I've lived like this long enough that it just doesn't bother me anymore... Ive learned to let it go.. and be okay with this being the way my life will be.. I'm good with that!
Wow today!! WAS an impact of realities, disappointment, and joy at the end of the night...to be loved... awe just to be loved.. to know that people are happy I'm alive... this is all I'd ever need.. nothing else would matter because people are happy I'm here..and that's all.. seriously.. that was the best! way to end off such a day as today!
Monday, January 25, 2010
The other day someone called my brother a waste of life, as to say he was nothing.. and whatever is said about my brother... well I get angry and take that on of course because that's me... So I was thinking of it.. for very long time of how many times I've heard in my life how much I'm nothing... how much I am worthless waste of life... that I would be as the world has viewed us as drunken drug addicts..
You know one thing I love about myself.. is that I can with pride say I never did hardcore drugs and swore on my father's grave that day would never come. and so i have knocked that outta the park.. and even though I have history of other things.. look at what I'm doing with my life...
Today I kept in mind... "I'm gonna show you what nothing can do" instead of letting this comment or whatever the heck it was... torment me into my own early grave.. I decided i'm gonna do it. I'm gonna make nothing into something.. because thats how I do. that's who I am and that's what i'm about.. you give me a stumbling block a wall of hardcore pan..I'm gonna show you my strength, I'm gonna show you that I can do anything.. I can do it with nothing.. because I will be more grateful for the things I have...
I realized.. with everything... normally... the instinct of me.. when I hear someone cut down my brother... i would react and lash out and put fear in the hearts of anyone who would say some false statements about any of my family members.. instead... I looked at the situation I got adrenaline and angry.. but instead of reacting I cooled down..and I called the right people, and have contacts with the help we have in Vancouver for those who want to harrass my family.. Instead of going back into old ways of dealing with anger and fighting people to the death.. I've stopped myself.. against every thing good in me to hurt others.. I realized this isn't my fight but also that I would just cause more trouble for my family.. so instead I called my mentor and retired VPD and I was able to get his help and get through this situation in a respectable matter..
That's how you can hear that I'm freaking changing!
I had my blood pumping full of hatred and anger.. I was at BC today and I was with my hommies my people..and I was telling them all about what's been going down with my family..and every single one of them wanted to jump on a bus and head to my mama's and help her.. but I was like naw don't worry bout it. I got this..I can deal with this the right way.. no need for record when it's something thats childish.
I realized thats how I do... thats how I can show you i can make something from nothing. I can freakin.. just do what's right..make right choices.. I have had to deal with the pain of that all day..because I really wanted to hurt someone, I wanted to believe their filthy lies that I'd become nothing..but I was like no freaking way!
I MADE it into COLLEGE! I freakin living my own life.. in my own place, my own world..and I will refuse to let anyone tell me that I'll be nothing. I refuse to let people tell me that I'll fail. that I'll fall short..because no matter what I have it in me to do something great...cause if I didn't I wouldn't have all these people backing me up, telling me they believe in me, they believe in my life, my cause and just every fibre of my being.
On that note... I seen something today...i'm not sure what it triggered but the person that committed suicide not that long ago...I know them... and my heart started to break..and I thought about it on my way home and realized...what am I doing now that's changing the world? I know how I can impact lives of many but I want the youth! I want to capture their hearts and lead them to freakin freedom from all this stuff that's going on for them.. I dont want to hear that these babies, these children are doing this..because this is not the way.. On that note I'm thinking of my life! my future. my scars. my pain, my damn story. and realizing how much I've got to share and how much I want to capture the hearts of youth and help them through their mess..and show them there is better.. there can be better than this.. and that's one thing I'm thinking about.. this has never come to my mind before but I've always known I'm meant to impact lives. but now my heart is leaning toward troubled youth and I want to freakin help them! I want them to not hear everything i heard of being nothing, worthless, hopeless.. cause there is freedom.. there is something...!!!! CAuse if there wasn't I would be here now... and I wouldn't be alive now...
with that in mind..i'm going to have a collaborative conversation and see what I can do with my life!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Im sad to say that my life... everything... i'm starting to break with it.. and honestly at this time in this moment there is only one sweet ass person on my mind that almost just takes the sting away from the turmoil I feel I am facing.. Its not about confusion of feelings okay it is.. but it's also a matter of feeling alive... to be facing this turmoil once again and being able to see there are truly people in this world who have been through so much and still do real good in life..just like me..or I like them... we've had to fight for living, fight for school, fight to have others have faith in us..
I just... I honsetly have never thought my life would ever come to this you know? i've been born and raised in Vancouver, I've slept at the woodwards building, and I've met so many people, known some people all my life... and some for at least or more than ten years...just to know there isn't one of them that I could call up right now and tell them how much everything is falling apart on me...I can't explain to them my situation.the underlying issue...
to realize... how hard I've tried to live. how much I've tried to die. and how much I am where I am right now... i'm terrified of reaching out for help. I'm scared to tell people that the shinning star me is looking for a place to rest my head, i'm scared to tell people...that I am crumbling, destroying, dying, fading away inside. I feel all the reasons to live, all the reasons continue to fight to continue to be a yearning... and all that is left here... are the realities of the person I am.
How could I do this to myself? How could I put others in jepordy? how could i even live like this? for another week to live like this..it's not going to work.. you know when I was a teenager... I used to get into fights with my ex....and my ex lived right by a bus that went straight to SFU...and honestly i jumped on that bus and slept at SFU.. i'm not sure what it was that was there...but I went there and fall asleep... so I'm thinking that's what it's going to lead too for me... i'm scared of shelters... I'm scared I'm ashamed to admit that my life is coming to having to sleep in a shelter..
In this moment for right here... i feel like a failure.. I have no stable housing, no real stable friends that I can count on. The only thing I have is school and as much as it's there..it's not there for me now... I have seven dollars to my name and I've been saving it for about five days now.. I haven't spent it or anything. I finally changed my clothes. and tomorrow will be the final change before I head out... and hope for the best about all these things..
I am jepordizing a lot in this house in my family... and they have never faced consequences of these things...but I have a feeling that this week will be the testing of those decisions.. and so I have to leave..
Its honestly.. in just these small hicups or whatver you might want to call them.. they are really messing with my head.. and I'm realizing more and more. I'm truly not the shining star I'm the freakin... hurricane of distress, drama and freaking whatever it is that I am. i really... Im honestly on the fence on that evening near eight months ago..I'm placing my mind back in that place because I'm really getting confused.
than on top of all these things I hear something that I will need to confirm with my VPD.. but hearing that... well... i'm crazy enough as is what makes them think I can do any better... I'm not sure what to do anymore.. everything is starting to fall apart and I'm just losing it..
"When you feel like giving up remember why you held on for so long"--Unknown
'When you come to the end of your rope, tie knot and hang on"--Franklin D. Roosevelt.
With everything.. to nothing.. to trying to make clay outta mud, to trying to see the stars beneath a grave..to reaching for the moon and missing and landing on a star.. to being loved unconditionally the only thing keeping me from freakin jumping!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Now that I've been in Vancouver and actually started doing something with my life, started going to school, started to try and find some kind of future some kind of reason to keep living... once again a hatred a self-hatred builds up in my own self... realizing how much i have to continue to fight... fight to find a place, fight for someone to believe in me enough to take a chance, I have to fight for school... I'm not happy about this but in realizing the changes that will be made one week... i realize that i'll have to fight for school, fight for more help more support... I actually was thinking about some things... you remember.. well i dont remember I just heard stories.. but of way back in the day when life was not as much as it is now...people would have to work real hard at a future... work hard at applying themselves, work at just walking and getting there..
Just thinking of it now.. there is a movie about a child who walked three miles to school, three miles home... that's a lot of walking.. and yet the reason he was doing it was because he had a dream, a desire..
I look at my life.. i look at all these things I've felt that i've fought... you know how nice it would be?? to have someone not put me in the category of being an alcoholic, or drug user, or failure.. you know how nice it would be that i could known as a success person, do you know how great it would be for someone to recognize how much i am fighting to be in school.how much I'm turning my back on all that i love and care for because i know where I need to be with my life and i know...if i stay where i am, always i always be where I've always been... I've had to fight my own strategies in life to be someone... I've had to turn on things I didn't want too... and I've had to let go of the MOST PRECIOUS people of my entire damn life! If I had known how much work this was, how much I'd feel like i wouldn't make it.. you'd better believe I wouldn't have said anything I did to my dying friend.. I wouldn't have made that promise..
I know I'm getting negative.. i sense that going on with me... reality is that I'm seeing things so differently.. an being where I am now...I'm feeling the sense of loss, the sense of failure as if I'm just building a show to let the world watch me fall apart...
Its been a rough day and half.. an my body, my mind, and my spirit are feeling the impact of the things going on in my life...
i can only hope for a better tomorrow.. or nothing at all
Friday, January 22, 2010
I have been thinking about the things in my life that I'd like to repeat. go back and maybe change a few things you know... not only the good but the bad.. things that could've really changed the way my life is going now, the choices and decisions I could've made.. the words I spoke that hurt, the hate I feel in my heart for the people that caused harm.. the fear that lies in the depths of my soul as i struggle to find reason and purpose... continuing to feel the way I do.
There will always be that someone that I wished wouldn't leave.. that person that warmed my soul in the darkest of days, that person that held me in their arms in a way that I felt like Superman was real and was holding me in their arms. The deep desire grows in me as I imagine what the world could be like, what my own world could be like if I was back in that one moment.. one moment of saying no I'm not leaving, I'm staying and what kinds of things would have changed, where I would be..what kind of person I would be. Instead we live in the real world... the real regret lives in me, and the real fear envelopes around me..
The shame of the things I've done in my life..the pain I've caused, pain I've felt, scars on my body, scars on my heart, the hate I have, and the hate I've caused, the shame that lies in me that no one could ever see... the depths underneath it all..under all the pain, all the facade of me.there lies the beast, and under that beast lies the shame and regret of the choices and decisions I've made in my life... I say.. Just as much as I described fear in this way I think Shame can be the same thing...
it is like a snake... shame is like a snake.. squeezes the life outta you just like a snake squeezing it's prey all the air, every breath breathed is suffocating itself, and it's bones are breaking, just at the one last breath the snake swallows it whole... this is the same for me to have shame in my life... the dark closest, there is no cleaning out this area in my life.. but there is much regret and much desire to just be able to go back and change the things I did... to even take a moment an imagine where my life would be if I didn't make those decisions.
Regardless that my life is not as I had hoped it would be.. I'm not the person I had hoped to become... I also see the good in me.. the good that's beginning to develope in the turmoil of every situation I am dealing with, have dealt with, or struggle with... I see it within me...I have the opportunity to walk outta these things in my life that have caused me to feel broken, and heal from the wounds that I've caused myself..
I could try my best... to realize that children are children...they will struggle, they will feel pain... they will suffer...however they will be loved without limits, they will have moments of complete laughter and joy, they will learn things I may have never known, they will experience moments in life that have never been able to be seen before...and they will speak their minds, they will feel whatever feelings they feel... and one thing that's coming out in my city is that these kids...these little inspirations are feeling the oppression of the shit that we've all suffered and instead of surviving it, numbing from it even, they are turning to things that I wish wouldn't be in our world... to imagine this poor thing feeling these feelings, just asking for someone anyone to listen, to hear them, and understand, feel their feelings, walk in their shoes..what's going on for them? how could I! how could of all people how could I miss this? I'm the toughest person there could be... besides my cousin..but he's a rock. where as I'm the solid one who has suffered but talks, screams, yells until my message is heard... I freakin missing these things going on and I just gotta... gotta stop trying to solve this situation... but also try and figure out..how could my life reflect that even in wanting to give up I havent... I'm here...I'm fighting. I'm feeling all the feelings associated with shame, fear, hatred etc...but even in this darkness I still here..I'm still fighting...
One thing I've learned many years ago...when I first came back for a visit from Ontario...was the power of a voice... one thing I learned recently...is there is fear in speaking out...speaking up! screaming!... Testimony is the most powerful tool there could be.. I feel it within me... to scream! but don't know what to say. i just know that I have a story that needs to be heard, I need others to know that when they are feeling whatever feelings they are feeling, they are not alone. I need my sisters to know that they are lucky to be where they are, to have someone like me loving them so much.. I worry about them. think of them. love them... of course same goes for my brothers...
I shared my testimony some years ago..the whole life story everything detailed. and i cannot even describe to you the reaction of it... so many people came to me with understanding and telling me their story..which is one reason I felt that writing my book would be significant...one reason I love playwrights. one reason I love writing! because someone somewhere in the world is dealing with these things too...
We are a powerful creation.. I know this... I see that my body mind soul are powerful. I have the opportunity... even in shame, regret, pain, heartache and so much regret of the past... I could not forget the past but not let it bring out the beast of me because this was not the person I was created to become...
Lots on my mind! and a majority of it came from my repeat button and my all time favorite series.. lol
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The cycle that is currently entering my life, or the lives of those i care for... teenagers pre-teens, children are entering or entertaining thoughts of suicide...
Can you imagine what kinds of things must be going on for a child that young... I don't follow the ways of God but I believe in his word, that children are so precious to him.. and I remember holding so true to that if anyone hurt one of God's children he would rise up in vegence.. or whatever.. so to imagine
my two sisters... young children not completely aware of whats going in the world.. trying the new trends of school, the new feelings and emotions, body changes going in their lives.. to imagine that they have a friend of a friend who was a year older who decided to take their own life.. this was never meant to happen..
feeling lost. feeling alone. feeling scared. feeling burdened. feeling like a mistake. feeling unworthy. feeling broken. feeling horirble..
The feelings...the world.. This is not the intent of the children... this is not what these kids should be thinking about... what is the world coming too? what have I failed at doing for them to help them openly get help, openly to talk to me?
I'm really sad that children are thinking of this... I'm 24 and I have suffered from the pains of life since I was 10. and yet here I am..still here even in the darkness, even in the beast of me. I'm still here... so when I see my sisters, hear my cousin who is younger than both my sisters.. saying the thoughts, saying these things!
WHAT is our city doing? what are the people doing! WHAT is our culture doing! how are we interacting with our children to help them understand... what's going on, or what reasons or something! JUST something to understand. comprhend.. the things that were going on, and the fear.
I don't know... I just I personally have personal circumstances in my life that help me know how or what might have been going on... but to address it... this is not my place right now.. for this time it is my boundary. I'm still working through my own emotions, my own darkness, my own beast... but one day maybe...
I feel like that one day should come soon...because I am deeply burdened hearing that pre-teens are having thoughts like this...how much help is out there, how much understanding?
My will shall shape the future whether I fail or succeed shall be no mans doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. my choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.
You know.. I have been through a lot shit in my life.. alot feelings, a lot of thoughts, a lot of pain and freakin things I regret things I hate.. things that destroy me..
As I write these words my hands start to shake as the fear begins to envelope and wrap itself around my soul, the tightning of the beast of me rises up against all that I feel I've done.. I'm trying not to think of it.. but I can't help but think of it..
All the reasons I should not be alive, all the reasons I don't deserve this life of mine! ALl the lies that have near destroyed me, believing in societys way of my culture, believing that I would never amount to anything, believing every horrible message...that I'll never be anything, and I was only loved by the man I buried fifteen years ago this year.. my father!! Damn it! STOP!
The task the reason my heart is feeling so heavy... Is that the influence of others.. the influence of children, teens, and adults. the cycle of life that has envloped into a cycle of life that needs to end!
Tonight I'm trying to use the tools I learned in class to help me not react in emotion, or fear or anger... hearing my sister..my other sister tell out loud that she wants to end her life.. she is feeling blamed for everything... she is feeling whatever she is feeling with no one listenning. I am so sorry that she feels that way but I can't do it!! A few months ago my baby sister said the same thing..and I couldn't help but pull away because dealing with people who decide or want to think or open their minds to suicide... I can't live... I can't even comprhend why they are saying it, and even in those moments I look and feel my triggers, and buttons being pushed as I remember the past fuckin two years of my life of pain and heartache and the many damn times I tried to take my own life...
This is very much a trigger for me... It not only reminds me of the horrible person I am to be so lost and so burdended..but it also shows the kryptonite that I can't help those who say these things, I can relate but I can't listen. I can't listen to how they feel because it reminds me of the feelings that may lie deep within my soul...I'm scared for this and this is why I feel the anxiety rising up in me...and the shaking is here..
There is only so much I can do.... I can't force my family to get help, I can't force them to do anything and I have to hold to this... I have been getting help for my problems, learning about these things..but for them.. it's a choice... they are not old enough to know the help they need, but when they have family members, or friends who are committing suicide I'm sure it's a huge fear, or whatever it is...
To imagine it you know?? I don't even want to be specific about my own situations.... not that I don't feel I can face them.. but just as much as remembering my father's death is difficult would be just the same of looking at the scars on my arms, looking at the times I was outta my mind lost... so much pain, so much heartache... it never helped that someone would say they were there.. cause those words said to me all my life..just to be let down, left behind...and I couldn't deal with people saying these things to me..
Imagine the kind of pain I was dealing with, am currently dealing with... but one thing I'm holding true too is that school... I dont even know why I'm there, why I am staying with it. but I feel like if I don't finish this people be right about me... starting something without finishing it, and the inadequate feelings that linger in me would come true to me once again. I have to fight and even then... I wrote an e-mail to the director of my school and told her... that the greatest inspiration for me was school...when I am not apart of the classroom I feel lost, and I struggle to deal with my life... I'm inspired when I'm at school, I'm encouraged and I am for some of the first times in my life I feel at peace with who I am, not knowing the future but being okay with not knowing, and just sharing myself...and believing in others and in turn believing in myself and my ability to succeed even though I'm supposed to fail.
I can't fail... I can't keep being as I've always been... I can't even... imagine what things would come around for me..if I decided to quit and i know that being accepted into school couldn't have come at a better time in my life.. I had just gotten outta the hospital and returned from a powerful journey and than once again fighting to be in school.. fighting to live.. fighting to find purpose even without knowing what it is..I know that there is something there for me.. one major way I remember this is that I have this scar on my left arm! HALF and INCH deep! not a survivable scar, wound... I was bleeding to death... and yet here I am... near six months later still here.. still living... eight months ago... dont even need to talk about it... four months before that.. well that doesn't need to be talked about either.. and than in november... these are incidents I had survived, times I was given a guardian angel, or just a knock in the face to get back in line of my life..
So when I hear what Im hearing tonight... I shut down. I get scard because I can't imagine what it would feel like being that young... no wait.. never mind I was younger than both the girls when I decided I didn't want to live, and started to cutting... but the torment I had faced with all those years... well I'm ok... I'm who and what I am for a purpose and reason
This is just too much... Once again I'm going to be calling out on my supports because this was a little much for me.. and believe it will be difficult for me to sleep with these thoughts on my mind. one reason I love being able to write...
For right...now... I have to take care of myself.. i have to recognize the things that are going on in my body, in my emotions...I've always known how difficult it is for me now a day when dealing with someone who is having thoughts... but trying to be the solid rock, the superman person to help them through it...well these sorts of situations are my kryptonite I learned this the few months ago that my baby sister said it, when my brother said it..and now my other sister is saying it... I can't imagine what she is feeling.. but hopefully I can call the right people to help me not figure out how to solve it..but how to make her feel like she can talk to someone.. other than me... it's a weakness, a trigger a hurt for me... I'm not prepared to be thrown off track it'll hurt..
feels a bit better... just need one last thing.. and than try find a way to get it outta my head before getting some sleep... I have to hope that I can let this go as I sign off... cause I really need too..
Saturday, January 16, 2010
I'm afraid to admit the choices I've made and what has brought me to the current circumstances and the fears that are enveloping in me... Lastnight for the first time I was grateful to have a place even though I hardly have food I had a roof over my head, whereas in the next couple weeks this will also be taken away...I gave my notice in thinking finally I had a suitable roommate set up, to have my uncle call me and tell me it's a poor decision to back out now..
My immediate thought is my uncle is my elder, he is looking out for my best interest,and he cares for me a lot... so the cultural side of me is when an elder speaks they need to be listened to and obeyed... so now I've lost my roommate and by feb 1 I will no longer have a place to live.
than when i face these situatons in my life I am now looking at the past eight months of my life.. even though i am moving forward in my life.. the things that were broken, no the relationships that fell apart in that time...So I thought about writing those people a letter in hope to just let them know..
I mean because of June 2 it felt that it ruined my life I lost my job, and status... I had very good reasons to be in that place and time in my life. the painful memory and thought of losing someone close to me...well the pain outweighed my judgement and i fell apart.. it caused me to go on the wrong path even though I made that promise to this person that died that I would live my life fully, that i would continue on... I didn't realize the loss of this person in my life hurt so much, that deep down in the depths of my soul losing him made me feel like I didn't have reason to live any longer either.
So now... i look at my life eight months later... and I've been in school since September and have had my moments of fallng apart but I've created a support system, people i feel I could turn too, and the best part of it is that I've created the fighter instinct in me... the will to survive, to live for whatever purpose that might come up in the future. But than.... looking at my current struggles now... the things I am facing I'm worried.... I'm scared and I honestly am feeling myself go back into the mindset of wanting to break down again...
What things must I do to create this barrier so that I am certain that I won't do something foolish? I know that it feels like in one day!! one day...one phone call...one word everything has come undone and I'm scared out of my head..
You know one thing...that i think is good/bad about me... is my cat... exodus has been alive for a near three years and I've had her for that long... and there are parts of me that thinks that it might be better for me to let her go and live somewhere else...but the hard part about letting her go is that she has stood by me...in times that I didn't even know were difficult to me... and so because of that connection and love I can't seem to let her go... and I am not sure what to do about that...i mean it's a major reason why I am struggling to find a place to live.
One the necessites of life start falling apart there is a sense of realizing maybe everything has been mixed up.. I begin to question the existance of my life, the value of my life... but I realize just from the one incident the paiin I caused my family from cutting myself so badly i almost died, well... not just family but two people who have expressed to me their fears... there was a lot spoken about the guilt they had both felt in not being there to stop me from my own self-destruction and the fear of actually following through with a suicide attempt is that more people would feel that guilty feeling of what they could have done to stop me... and not only that the choices and decisions that would made following the death of me... there is a lot being said about the choices my friends would make the destruction they themselves would fall into, and even for my family members...
So instead of thinking of death..I'm fighting for my life...an inner conflict of trying to figure out whats best for me..what can i do to change the outcome..and what do i need to do to get the help i need to figure things out...in a way that would just work...I'm desperate and I'm getting terrified as the days come to an end...i don't want to take my life, and I dont want to end up in the hospital..
One thing i had in mind was about... all the help available to those struggling with abusive relationships, help for pregnant woman, and just help all around... but when it's for me... i dont fit in any of those categories... I'm not damaged beyond repair...but I also have very few places to turn.. i need someone to see the struggle of me to believe in me and help me through this difficult situation... need results...I need to know that even faced with all this paiin, all this fear that there are people in this world, in my city that will help me continue to fight to live..fight even when i dont feel like fighting... I'm getting scared and I'm getting desperate..I'm terrified... I'm not sure how much more I can do.... I'm not sure....I am becoming vulnerable in these times because of the life that is being taken away...
I dont know anymore
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The situation that went on with my brother...well it's affected me greatly..for him to continuly speak to me in the ways he does, although he might be drunk.there is truth behind what he is saying... i'm broken up about the situation and honestly feel like the guilt or shame or hurt will continue to grow...
My brother at one time in his life I could not be more proud of him..for sticking it through all the situations and circumstances he has went through all on his own... but has contiously felt the sense of abandonment from me... one thing I had heard or that was discussed...is that you know what my brother doesn't understand my life was on the line if i hadn't left..I'm certain beyond shadow of a doubt I would not be alive today...
I know that I'm struggling a lot with family stuff...I'm stressing about school..I'm feeling like I'm not being heard by my supports those who were supposed to be there to help me... while they are far away from me... and so i'm looking at the situations i'm facing now....and I regret being who I am, and where I am this time in my life..
I honestly... I can honestly feel those feelings and thoughts return to me about ending it all... screwing my life and just letting death win because more and more I see the benefits that I'm not worth being here... I have to stop myself as much as i can on these thoughts because I know that this is not the answer...that this is a choice and opportunity to walk or work through these events in my life... but when I feel worthless...when I feel like I don't matter...well than I feel that my life doesn't matter...it doesnt matter that I have fought to be where I am now, that everything I dealt with, still deal with, all my morals and values every thing about me is just a waste...
I have needed positive influences in my life for a long time... I'm still not gettng much of that either.. and now I'm stuck in this place... feeling these feelings... wishing I wasn't here.. wishing I hadn't made the choice and decision to clean up my life... feeling like I no longer matter... I just need to get out of this situation and stay as far away as I can..because this is not worth it.. these feelings I have, the way these family members of mine, the way feel here..this is not worth my time...and sadly when I leave tomorrow..I will really have to put myself to the test on whether I can do the right thing or if I will fail at this yet again.
I'm feeling very hurt about the influences my family has been in my life...Im sad that my doctor had to strongly encourage me to let my family be and that the first and far most thing I must do is take care of myself... and even in taking care of myself there is a lot that fails me in that time because I have no money, no food, and just a load of stressful situations going on in my life.
i really hope I have not dug my own grave.. and that something will start to open up for me because I'm getting real lost and real scared. im feeling like i had said the sense of inadequate and worthless... I'm feeling like i dont matter anymore and if I dont matter anymore than what's the point on living... i really need to get through this situation... or I need to just figure something out because i'm scaring myself with all these words.
Monday, January 4, 2010
I think for me to be destroyed is for me to conform to all my surroundings.. to dim the fire in me that causes me to fight to live, fight for my life... I think for me to feel myself destroyed is to no longer have the ability to continue on with this lifestyle I have chosen to live.. I was accepted for a specific kind of housing today and than they withdrew their offer because they said I was doing well for myself, trying to make it..and they were concerned about my well-being in that area. This was the first instinct that I am greater than this you know? I'm better than what I have thought all these times of my life...
I have tried and tried again with the choice that no matter what happens I'll never give up. a choice that I've made since I dont know when. Even though events have come into my life that have been a sense of me giving up I've got the scars to prove how messed up things have been for me.. but that fighting desire in me that's kept me alive. I watched a showed recently about a man who had gotten something stuck in his head and he was five times over the limit of alcohol in his system.. the blood etc... the idea for me as I watched this event before my eyes. it got me thinking how fucked up was that night? I look at my arm.. and a plastic surgeon stitched me up and I survived this event.. I also learned that this depth of this cut on my arm is as deep as lions bite... people die from these sorts of bites...or tendons, nerves or anything could happen.. however this was not the case for me.. I survived..with nerve damage that's it...
I dont know much about that night...what set me off what I acted like..in a glimpse of a second I was gone... I didn't remember the seconds following after and sadly I'll never remember.. I ended up in the hospital I woke up cuffed to a bed with a strong desire to use the bathroom and I had to call work to say I was in the hospital.. and than explain the events in my life that caused me to be in so much pain that I had tried to take my own life... I seen the clothes I was wearing all torn and cut up by the people who saved my life... I'll never remember the doctors, surgeons or any of them.. and at times in my life I regret being treated and regret living..
I mean.. One promise the only reason I'm alive..was because I had promised I was doing the right thing and that I'd make better of my life.....instead I destroyed myself in a blink of an eye. every person that trusted me now question everything I do... the people I love and care for a wounded in a way that cannot be described or spoken about.. I'm broken about these things these things linger in my mind as I live and breath now... and wonder...sadly wonder what my life would be like or what their lives would be like if I didn't come back at all.
Its difficult to imagine myself getting through these events... it's difficult to imagine even surviving these days... but we are coming up to eight months...eight months since everything has fallen apart in my life..and instead of falling back into a lifestyle that doesn't lead anywhere, a lifestyle that brings me in a cycle that was not created for me to follow..instead of that I'm here. trying... maybe not wholeheartidly but I'm still trying..still fighting..
When I think of the people I'm fighting for..honestly there is no one I'm doing these things for. I'm trying to prove to myself that I am worth something. my life is worth another look.. All the years of greatness that I had in Ontario...proved to me something..it honestly proved to me how happy I could become, how grateful I could feel, how loved I am..and how much I am cherished, how much I have something to share with the world that not alot of people survive. and through these events the last near eight months... I can do something great. I can keep living even when all else fails me, when I fall, when I feel hurt or feel the affects of the pain and choices and decisions of those I love. It bothers me to be stuck in the dark about things but when the time comes everything will be revealed and I'll find my way through it in greatness or in darkness.
the events surrounding those I love the consequences are still trying to reach me.. well not me but those I love.. I am going to do everything in my power to protect those I love and I'm not planning on leaving until the time comes that I must do something... and hope that I will have the support of the right people who have been there, and will continue to be there for me.. I have the opportunity for something more.. but the choices and decisions I make the next few days will be important they will either jeopordize the things in my life now, or they will help flourish my rep and my ability to do things that others may not know I had in me...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
My brother ended up drinking and started acting up and got upset and started lashing out we had to call the police to help calm him down and than i was asked to sit there until he fell asleep.. he kept apologizng...and all's I could think is how am I supposed to not enable him for these situatons and times? I was told that my mother and myself are enabling my brother to make this many mistakes and act out and drink do drugs, etc.. with no consquence.. and i just dont get how I'm supposed to stop him from doing these things?
Im getting very frustrated with the situations I'VE come baack too.. you know.. i know i made some really poor decisions since moving back to Vancouver but you know.. i started the road of stopping the things the external things, or a majority of them.. i made them leave my life.. i have been fighting to do better with a few problems here and there..and yet i still get blamed for the situations and circumstances we have walked into.. its my fault. i caused it. i hurt him, i abondend him and i ranaway like a coward. and yet even in my return instead of being the person I was.. I became hurt and just damaged from all the death, heartache and pain I endured and the habits of my thoughts about good and bad..it had consumed me..
i dont know what to do any longer..
I'm back at contemplating people in my life, situations and cases in my life. things that help things that don't..feelings I have and feelngs i dont... lots to say but no real words of things that need to be said.. I'm freaking losing it and letting myself get consumed by thoughts that should not exist..and i'm just.. I need to get myself out of this being consumed by the moments in my life that are causing me to fall apart.
i made a poor decison tonight..it had nothing to do with my brother but everything to do with certain people in my life..and because of that poor decision it's got me back here..
im not sure what i wll do about this or what i can do..but hope that i can figure it out...two more days, one more day and hopefully things will work itself out...and i'll find my way outta this mess..
Im not prepared for these moments in my life as I am facing each of these events in my life.. i feel the life in me, the fighter in me continuing to fade away into the darkness..because I'm sinkng back into the attitude that feels or assumes that protects me from heartache and pain and love and joy..
watching this situation unfold tonight... feeling their hands around my neck squeezing me... for the first time... i just didn't care I didn't want to fight back because i felt i deserved it... what good has come outta my life? that would make me fight back? im so disappointed in the choices and decisons those close to me have made and i'm just feeling really hurt...sad...and ready to walk away
Saturday, January 2, 2010
You know I was thinking about this and as I have personally faced many complications in my own life the drama, heartache and pain...the fucked up nights of pain.. well the reality is now that this is in the past and right now at this time in my life.. I am okay but i have to do everything I can to ensure safety.. for them to sleep safely into the night of dreams.. however until these current situations are dealt with I deeply fear that somethiing may be wrong.. it's different you know? I mean if this kind of stuff was going on with me while honestly I'd face it, I'd walk right into the paths that I have done...the choices and decisions I make I face the consquences and will not run or hide.. I did that in my past and lived in fear and one thing that I said when I moved back to Vancouver..is that if anyone from my past had a problem with me from the past while I walk into it with open arms..
However this situation is not mine thankfully I've grown up as much as I could that I know this is not my situation, not my thing.but it involves those I care for deeply and this is the reason i'm here the reason I choose to not back down.. to not be apart from all this....but there is a sense of obligation in me that compells me to protect those I love.. I remember I was on the train with my lady and my sister and one thing that we talked about because it was a game night... we talked about in a situation that could happen who would I fight to protect? it's obvious I have a high obligation and desire to protect my family..my family comes first before myself, and before friends, and those I love..it wouldn't matter sadly enough but this desire for family the love I have for them... it can be overwhelming and I would never turn my back on them. until the day I die i will not walk away.. I can only hope that some other people in my family would realize the situation they have put us into and how i will surge up all the anger of pain and start and lash out in this situation.
i feel like I can't sleep and I worry about because as much as we might have lots of men in the house I feel like i'm the only one who would stand up... I mean I thought about it again..when these two drunk ass guys stepped up on my cousin instead of running away like a girl ;) I stood infront of my cousin to use myself to protect him...these two guys were bigger drunker and just all around idiots..but I didn't care if anyone was going to hit anyone they were going to hit me trying to do it...as an idiot that night for me though was that I stepped behind my cousin to call the police... and that's when the shot came in..and my cousin got hit in the face..instead of stepping up we walked away... it was a really messed up situation.. but time and again this is the person that I am.... i have a huge value and love and obligation in my family... because I love them I would do whatever it took to protect them, help them, and love them without condition and hope that one day this love will carry onto the future maybe in a more healthy situation.
I was thinking about this today.. you remember well not many people know but when I was growing up I was hurt tremendously physically, emotionally, and just all around everything about me was wrong. There was one main man who caused this amount of pain in my life and because of those things I became something different after the years of heartache, the bruises the cuts, the crap I withstood in all my stuff. I became someone else and this person is the person that writes these words.. because this is the beast of me that will not back down that will stand up for those who are weaker even if it cost me my life...
Once again. another story... as I'm not sure if this story will ever be able to be told to the one perosn it matters too.. I was watching a show about one of my favorite singers "Johnny Cash" well there were some interesting things said about his autobiography... I've never meant Johnny but from his movie I could relate to areas in his life the darkness..etc.. anyhow... one thing that was said was there was speculation that June rescued or saved him from those events in his life that would have cost him his life, he was consumed in so much darkness, so much pain.. and there were some who would speculate that June was his savior.. but than I think one of his kids said that it wasn't that she was his savior, or the hero, the rescuer but that she was the context of the goodness of life he could have, and she was the one who just lived her life in reflection of what life could be like...it was by her life that he had the compelling desire to change and become a better man..and he was... before June he was really lost but when she came into his life she literally swept him off his feet... and this story sits with me tremendously.. because I have been thinking contemplating the situations going on in my life the people, the relationships etc...
With the comments i recieved from someone I began to pull back from those who are positive influences in my life... and part of that is my own thoughts of what's best for them, and also the comments of others made me believe that I was someone who was looking to be rescued.. and for a short period of my life I could see in what ways some might think this was the case and situation I was going through..for a season i believe yes..
However this person in my life is the context of what my life could be like if I should choose it... this person has been through some pretty fucked up situations, situations and darkness I am not completely aware of..but i hear it, and feel it at times....the pain and heartache all these things.. anyhow.... I realize this person is not the answer to any of my problems not that I had ever thought this person was, but some might speculate these situations and things.. but it was not that at all.. it was that this person was able to share with me... a piece of their heart that shows the unconditional love, and the fighting spirit that lies within me to do better..
It's the opportunity to do great things the opportunity to be someone great.. that fire that I felt had died away.. I mean I remember this person and some of my readers might remember that girl I used to be.. the one that had a zeal for life, that had some of the funniest most memorible moments on a farm.. six acres of land.. it the beautiful country side.. I became a changed woman there and instead of leaving that place and carrying her with me.. I allowed myself to become consumed with life without bringing in the proper supports to keep that girl in me alive..
and even to this day... What I need to do is find a way.. and hopefully this sounds as it does in my head.. to be both the fighter and the beast... lots of people say can't have it both ways but I really hope too.. I have met many police officers who have it both ways that are on the job as the beast but have compassionate heart to care and love, and fight for their life and those who are unable to fight for their own lives, to believe in the soul, the heart and not just the persons appearance choices and decisions.
I'm losing it aren't I? but I just want it both ways... to be able to find the balance between the fighter in me and all that I hope to be.. but also to find the ways and areas in my life that i will need times like now to become the beast... to put on this facade to protect those I love and to hopefully stay alive in the process.
Can you believe I just said that? I had said that I wouldn't want to live.. I regretted everything in my life.. but reality is that you know what it is true that my family holds true in my heart and I love them so much that I'd live in this painful world, suffer all the pain, and just burn my life in flames for the glory that my family members deserve something great... to be given the opportunity to live, to love, and to enjoy life in a way that I may never know how...
I will do everything I can to be here.. for now.. right now it's two things that are keeping me alive.. the safety of my family... and school...
I will not let go.. as long as I have these two things.. I am here