hate the happy

I dont know what I am doing. Or who I want in my life I'm not happy with how the last week has been... how easy it is to look in the mirror an put on a face/mask.. trying to hide the darkness of myself in myself. Hoping that as each day comes an goes people won't see me falling apart. 

I recently talked to someone...an their pain.. their pain an depression an how no one seen it. No one noticed it.

I realized that is what my upbringing was... my mom wouldn't show emotion. Wouldn't even tell us she loved us. But more so when things were difficult. When things were breakable. We never seen that. We never got to see the bad in that sense.

But I do have memories.....

Of the bad... things like being left at young age to fend for ourselves in the apartment because our parents were out partying whatever.

Or when the abuse happened for my mom.  An us having to hide ourselves. Lock ourselves in our roo.  Or being denied food. Or being told our dad who died of OD. Was a coward. Etc.

Lol there were lots of ways we went thro bad but most importantly we weren't taught how to cope with our feelings. How to ask for help. Or how to tell one another what is going on for us.

My family have spent so much time being snakes. Being people who stab one another in the back. 

We are sort of sectioned out. As tho we don't connect. We don't communicate. 

But it happens on all sides... 

I am terribly feeling a loss... an I'm scared. Because I feel like I'm losing a piece of my soul. A piece of my heart. As I dont know why my partner doesn't call. Doesn't text. Don't show up. Doesn't do much to keep our relationship alive. I've initiated all our conversations. And in the last month we had only seen each other 3 times..... for a relationship that has been ongoing for over a year.

So I feel like it's ending... i feel like idk if this is what she wants. Or what.

I dont know what she wants or what is important to her. It used to be that I was important. I'd be her first call. And now I get no call. No text. An I'm expected to keep this relationship alive. But my heart hurts...

Idk. 

Is there a way out of this madness I dont know. I know that I'm feeling like letting go.. not just my partner. But also anyone who tries ro hold me back. I'm stupidly hopeful that I matter to anyone. . That anyone would say something meaningful to me. But I don't have much hope it will be happening. 

Idk if the hope is dwindling. Hindering. Or the right choice for this circumstance