Sunday, June 10, 2012

an infinite possibility

I feel like Im losing my mind with the endless thoughts that are currently flowing through my head and if I avoid writing it down than I'll continue to think, continuing to think makes me a mad woman, so I'll write what Im thinking in hopes it will help slow my mind down to the present.
The world has been a dysfuntional place for me, a world of laughter, fun, and lots of people.. I feel like I get anxiety just thinking of standing in a crowd.. To be shuved or pushed aside, or thrown down, or to have my pockets tampered with etc.. I'll lose myself in thoughts of many things .
I dont know what to say what is appropriate.. I'm coming up to a two year anniversary in my relationship that has been exillerating and intriguing... Being put in a comfortable position of always relying on us being together, or relying on us at all.. The truth of the matter is... Right down to the grits of it.. Im not sure what I am doing.. Weeks ago we broke up, weeks ago I was supposed to go away and let this all go.. To say goodbye to this life I've been living for sometime now..
and yet here I am still here... Still working...still paying bills, and still sleeping in the same bed.

I need an escape.. I need a place, I need a thing, I need a hobby, I need a friend. FML is what I currently am feeling..
I haven't given up my blade but havent had any reason to use it as I've been surviving with my outlet of a counselor.. But than for weeks now I've been without that counselor, without the structure of a counselor and I finally cried out for that today... Thankfully it'll happen this week...

How do we make friends? I have co-workers at work there are few that I enjoy talking to or hanging with, but I've kept my life private, kept my conversations short, avoided the reality of letting them see what kind of person I truly am.
So than what do I have??? Family.. Actually not really.. I've taken on my partners family before my own and have somewhat enjoyed it...But even than still alone.

I was told to go to school for writing as this is my passion this is what I enjoy doing..but this is my passion if i go to school for this again I may very well lose my passion for writing..

What can I do? who can I confide in?

How do I speak the words that are deep within me in a way that hurts no one at all. to be honest about everything I am currently facing and to be able to share these hearts desire and share my thoughts withuot judgement.. To be alive for even one day... I may even smile

Sunday, May 27, 2012

No Other Love

Repeatidly for about four hours I have been listening to "No other Love" by Heart...

If you hear it than you'll understand where Im at right now...

Im struggling with my life, and all that matters to me... Giving up on myself and the greatness I have become.. My older sister shattered all my hopes of a great wonderful weekend with family.. The one amazing thing I had to look forward too...And it was because we had a disagreement about enabling addiction.. This is one thing I have been against forever!! I will never support people who use the money I have for their drinking, drugs or anything of the sort! I will not enable an addiction!
My sister disagrees as she often would because my mom enabled her to be those addictions she once had..
It broke my heart!!!
I have been completely unravelled!! Everything about my mom, my family and everything has been undone! I feel like Im disowned, an orphan even.. My family got so angry with me for the things I told in confidence to my idiot sister!! Something that will take me years to forgive her for!
If this horrible story isn't enough.. After all of this! i got into an argument with my Partner who in turn left me! I feel like Im losing my damn mind with all of this! I mean everything that I have worked so hard for!
And yet I fail every moment I breath! I say I wanna live a good life, I say i wanna be better! I say all this garbage that isn't even coming to pass! Im a coward! Im a fool and I am utterly and sadly alone.. So what do I do when I feel this way??>??? I go back to old habits! I wish I could say it was drinking that was my old demon but sadly not even close!
I have gone back to resorting to cutting! The one demon, the one darkness that had so weakened me, the one thing that so utterly burdened me... The one thing I cannot seem to let go of! from this crappy cutting has come the crappy thoughts, the door to the beast has been opened, and everything I believed in is now falling apart and Im failing!
I feel like if someone even breathed on me I would break down and cry, I feel like if someone asked me if Im ok my heart would literally shatter to pieces. I have made myself into a fool! And Im ashamed of all the choices that have led up to those cutting..
What to do? What to do?
How do I make it out of this darkness that is so enveloping me into a person i thought I left behind.. Im scared because I have no one to turn too, no one... I have the wee bit of strength within me just to talk about it and cannot let it go...
Im scared..Im terrified and Im worried about what choices will come from this darkness thats not wrapping its filthy claws around me....

I can only hope... wish.. and desire for a better I cry myself to sleep, as I put on this facade that is so easily see through... I try my best to pretend this darkness doesnt exist...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


So I read in the paper on my to work.. I was struck with a significant blow to my ego.. I read in the 24 hour newspaper a story about some native guy who beat a bus driver.. and the defense of this guy was "citing louie's history of alochol abuse, fetal alcohol syndrome and aboriginal ancestry as factors, lawyer david silverman asked for a condtional sentence."
Im furious about this blurb about his ancestry and the reason he goes around beating people and abusing alcohol as if it's our heritage that created such a monster.
Really!!! Lets list off a few things I know about Aborginal history! We have the opportunity to rise above the bullshit we were faced with in our heritage! I understand the issues and problems that come with such a brutual history of abuse that turns about the person to become such a monster! But you can't sit there and tell me that this is the reason one man beat another man!
I will say it right now! I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC! I had a history of my own experiences but with all falling in destruction I found my way through it.. as did my mother, my older sister, and this is not the only history! I can say with certainity dozens of First Nations, Aborginal man and women who had a history of alcohol abuse, and drug issues who stand highly regarded for their strength to get out of such an evil cycle.
There are First Nations men and women who sit in parlament, there are First Nations men and women fighting for our country, there are First Nations men and women who fight for our ability to have a voice. Right next door to my work there are First Nations men and women who are fighting on the right side of the law!
There are First Nations men and women who are not categorized in such hidious amounts of alcoholism, drug abuse or anything! We have the same beauty of a great future as any human being! I am not a product of the history of abuse that we all suffered as First Nations people!

I know that when the Residential settlements came in for some of those elders who suffered such crimes, that most of them killed themselves from alcoholism, or drug abuse, because it was too much for them to bring up stuff, history of their childhood. I know that there are some First Nations who suffered from that Residential school and came above it and helped their people, helped their community!
It has been engraved in the good hearted First Nations know who you are, and where you came from, and bring back all your knowledge, greatness, and everything that would benefit you as a person bring it back to your outstanding community!

I have always been someone who has fallen on my face with garbage I have suffered as a woman, or the things I endured as a child! I could be like all those other young adults who suffer at the hands of addiction. I am not like everyone else, I am not a person of addiction! I Have not let my past control my future! I have stood up and said "NO" to addiction and I have suffered a lot of history of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and many kinds of emotional abuse! I could do this all day! But I choose to get help, I choose to become someone greater! I choose to see my inspirational friends like Margo Kane, or Buffy St. Marie! I have been able to stand up against the ties of addictions, the webs of lies and say no to these effects! And I will not allow some newspaper define my people as being alcoholics! I am furious at the accusation! I know this one individual for whatever reason has chosen to drink, chosen to become abusive but it has nothing to do with his history! He could have sought out help, he could have tried to get out of it! He cannot stand before a judge and say it's because of my ancestry that I am abusive, that I willingly beat a bus driver because he didn't let me on the bus! It's because he was drunk, it was because he was not reasoning with himself and was angry, and his history of abuse was the cause of him making such poor decisions!

I needed to write this down because Im furious that I feel like this. and that I dont understand why some native guys defense is that he has an aboriginal ancestry and this is why he beat a man who suffered severe brain damage.