I dont like you

I feel so much pain... so much pain from so much in my life that I can't control. 

I'm hurting. I'm struggling to find purpose in my life. Does what I do really matter. Does me being alive benefit anyone. 

I dont want to keep surviving. I dont want to make all these plans of things that will never come to light. I am hurting. I'm hurting so much an no one anywhere can see that. 

On the surface. I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm whatever I need to be. But underneath I'm crying. I'm caged. I'm feeling myself be on the ledge. On a bridge. Ready to slit my wrists. There is no purpose for my life.

For so long I thought I was meant to live because of my kid.

I thought maybe this is me breaking the cycle. But I can't love him. I do love him but I don't have enough love to raise him to be good. To break chains 

I thought surviving those many years ago meant I'd have a purpose. But I don't know what it is. An I dont know if it's worth trying to keep fighting.

I was telling someone today. The best suicide is the one no one knew about. 

You know you have people who hint to people. Have people who chicken out or whatever. But the best suicide is the one we don't tell people about we don't give opportunities for them to stop us. The other side of that is not letting that person be the one that feels guilt for the rest of their life because they could or should have done something 

More an more... my mind is clouding with pain an torment.

I love this girl more than anything an yet she doesn't love me enough to show up to call or to be there for me. Being in a relationship isn't just sexual. An its definitely not just texting. We did the bulshit love language an we both needed to be with one another to feel that love.

An when she is silent. An not talking to me. My mind races.... my mind races to thinking how much of a joke I look like..... she could be in bed with someone else sending me some bs ILY message. She could be partying. Selling her ass. Or who knows what. She could have completely forgotten about me because I mean less to her than dirt on her shoe.

I don't fuckin know because I never know how she is feeling. What she is doing. Who she is with. An if I matter to her in any way at all. 

I could be fuckin going insanely crazy. An she doesn't even know. 

No one knows anything. I know that I'm at my breaking point. An I'm considering the easy way out because I feel like there's no purpose. It's like being in quick sand. No matter how much I pay bills. Pay for my housing. Watch my kid. Etc. 

I can't get out of it. On top of this. I can't live a life worthy of anything..

We talk about traveling. We talk about going places. Living together but ITS ALL FUCKIN TALK!! WE clearly aren't doing any of these things an she just stringing me along. An waiting for me to say the words I won't say!

I hate myself. I'll kill myself before I even leave her. I love her. Even though she may or may not love me. I'm hurting beyond all measure but I value her. I cherish her. She is my world. An she knows it. She lavished in that love an barely gave it back at least how I feel. 

I'm fuckin losing my Damm mind an mayb3 the world is better off without me. What good have i done in my years.

Now how should one kill themselves in a way that is idk an I also thought... I'd call police just before so that I'd save my family an friends the despair of finding me you know.

Is it terrible these are thoughts I've had. I seriously can't find a reason to keep on living. 

An it hurts. It hurts so much an I dont want to feel pain any longer