Im not sure where or when I had gotten confused about what's going on in my life.. and Im not sure what to do about it.. and then yet if I choose then something will come up and try sweep it away again.
I still think of Sean like everyday hoping he's doing alright and hoping that one day he will talk to me.. but at the same time I need to let him go and Im not sure what to do..If not that Im dating someone here in Vancouver and it's great but it's got the downfall that Im always thinking of Sean. The guy here doesn't mind much well actually he does but he has been trying to accept that Im having a hard time letting Sean go...
Im hoping to have an appointment with my counselor next week..and honestly wish I had gone away with my friend because I probably would be feeling so much better then how Im feeling right now.. I hate writing on here especially when things aren't all they should be..
I spent three days babysitting my brothers and sisters and it drove me crazy and I realized that I can't do this sort of thing anymore.. I mean I can't be here for too much longer I need to move out, I need my own space it's been five years since I lived with my mom..and it's never felt so uncomfortable.. and if not that then blah.
I think I'm just going through a transition phase and it's not going all good and it's really frustrating and I wish there was more I could do.. More to be able to settle here.. but it's not looking so good.. I finally have the papers to apply to College I just have to find the time to go and talk to someone about helping me apply to College..not easy because if Im not sleeping then Im taking my brother to and from school, and being home when my mom isn't.. I honestly don't care the kids are old enough I don't believe in leaving them alone for very long.. Im very protective of them and yeah it's not a good thing but who can really blame me?
So yeah... if not that then Im being distracted but other people..and I guess that's a fairly terrible thing and maybe this dating scene is not such a good idea..and even then... when I think of it.. I dont know Im just so confused... I really just want to spend some time alone..time away from my phone that continuaiously rings and bothers me...through the night, during the day..all the time.. yet I need to have that phone..bah!
I've got back in touch with old friends...not sure how good of an idea that was..but I got the truth about situations in the past, and people who are out to get me.. so that has been good to know but yeah...theres something about being back...before it was always being afraid to go places and be places..and now it's like you know what you do what you gotta do but Im not going to be intimidated by you any longer..isn't that something? I feel like I just stopped being afraid because you know as far as I know no one has any real need to hurt me I've never really done anything wrong and so if I get beaten up...well whatever..let it go... starting fresh and unafraid.
Im hoping to get this job in March so that I can make up some money to move out of my mother's I find it so uncomfortable..I can hardly have people over and time just to chill..it's always about the kids and my mom..and if not that bah... it's just not a good idea for me to be living here..as much as my mom might love having me..Im an adult and really need my own space..which means some things have to change..in my life.. such as job search, as well as letting welfare know that I've moved..and past employment that I need my t4 or whatever..
Do you think it's alright to struggle? I mean to fall back into some old habits...not out of them being old habits but not able to walk the right way...I mean seriously.. I can't even say anything I dont want too but I know that there are things going on in my life..that I wish were not happening and Im not sure how to get myself out of these things..
the last few days..I've been having this terrible dream, and feeling that something terrible is about to happen...and it worries me... and especially with the things that are going on in my life.. and I dont know what to do..I mean really I do..but at the same time Im struggling to do it.. I dont know what else I can say.. Im struggling extremely and Im kinda feeling like Im losing myself in old life, old ways..i've developed new ideas, habits but Im also struggling to fight through this stuff.. I mean it's not as easy as I thought it was, and bah.. I dont know what I should be doing..or what I could be doing.. and I hope to God I figure it out before something terrible does happen...................
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
part 2
so apart from the issues going on in my life..Im really stuck on the idea that someone thinks im an alcoholic.. I mean don't ask me the last time I had a drink..
but at the same time Im not doing that often or always...
I was deeply offended when someone came and laughed at the idea of me not drinking for two weeks... it was three months since I had been drinking.. i started drinking last week but it wasn't huge and it wasn't all the time..it was social..and now Im growing past that..
but this person said these funny things in front of an old friend of mine..I was deeply hurt by that because apart from my old friend and I catching up in a funny way...this person just blah..
I met a cop tonight... he and I got into talking and he asked me if I had ever considered being a police officer...do you know how funny that was? I mean it got me thinking but at the same time im not sure I could handle that you know?
this was why the friend said you'd have to stop drinking for two weeks..
because the cop had told me about a canoe trip that the VPD does to help something or something not really sure I'll have to check out the website..but I was kinda suprised to hear him say that... it got me thinking of the idea again... I mean yeah..
what do you think huh? A police officer...me!!! crazy idea huh? when I was in foster care this was before my dad died I had thought of it... and then when a cop said all these rude hurtful things to me I really wanted to become a cop just to prove that there are actually good cops out there.. but I was thinking and let it pass..because I wasn't sure how many lives that would be changed you know? how many people I would really help...
whereas a youth worker it would be a different story...
but that cop was fairly inspiring and now that Im an adult things seem different you know? I mean Im not treated terribly by the cops....they stop bothering me tremendously because Im not causing trouble...I have alot of respect for cops... its scary at times because once in a while you'll run into a really rude cop..and it's difficult to recover from that...
either way..thats why my friend had said what they said..and I had thought about it and wondered was it really true?
I came to the conclusion that that's not my problem...there's more to the story of my life..then drinking and that its not an addiction..and that im good you know? whether anyone believes me is their stuff not mine..no one really could tell me different even if I had a problem..because I'd have to be the one to recognize the problem.. and looking at it I don't see a problem..
other then that..I was reconnected to an old friend..someone I haven't seen in million years and man alive did she ever look good...she seems to be doing good too which is great..I hope to touch base with her tomorrow..it's always wonderful running into childhood friends... there's always lots to catch up on...
anyhow im exhaustedly tired and in desperation of sleep...
night
but at the same time Im not doing that often or always...
I was deeply offended when someone came and laughed at the idea of me not drinking for two weeks... it was three months since I had been drinking.. i started drinking last week but it wasn't huge and it wasn't all the time..it was social..and now Im growing past that..
but this person said these funny things in front of an old friend of mine..I was deeply hurt by that because apart from my old friend and I catching up in a funny way...this person just blah..
I met a cop tonight... he and I got into talking and he asked me if I had ever considered being a police officer...do you know how funny that was? I mean it got me thinking but at the same time im not sure I could handle that you know?
this was why the friend said you'd have to stop drinking for two weeks..
because the cop had told me about a canoe trip that the VPD does to help something or something not really sure I'll have to check out the website..but I was kinda suprised to hear him say that... it got me thinking of the idea again... I mean yeah..
what do you think huh? A police officer...me!!! crazy idea huh? when I was in foster care this was before my dad died I had thought of it... and then when a cop said all these rude hurtful things to me I really wanted to become a cop just to prove that there are actually good cops out there.. but I was thinking and let it pass..because I wasn't sure how many lives that would be changed you know? how many people I would really help...
whereas a youth worker it would be a different story...
but that cop was fairly inspiring and now that Im an adult things seem different you know? I mean Im not treated terribly by the cops....they stop bothering me tremendously because Im not causing trouble...I have alot of respect for cops... its scary at times because once in a while you'll run into a really rude cop..and it's difficult to recover from that...
either way..thats why my friend had said what they said..and I had thought about it and wondered was it really true?
I came to the conclusion that that's not my problem...there's more to the story of my life..then drinking and that its not an addiction..and that im good you know? whether anyone believes me is their stuff not mine..no one really could tell me different even if I had a problem..because I'd have to be the one to recognize the problem.. and looking at it I don't see a problem..
other then that..I was reconnected to an old friend..someone I haven't seen in million years and man alive did she ever look good...she seems to be doing good too which is great..I hope to touch base with her tomorrow..it's always wonderful running into childhood friends... there's always lots to catch up on...
anyhow im exhaustedly tired and in desperation of sleep...
night
kill me, heal me
I've struggled to figure out what to say today you know? I mean to tell you that Im doing great and everything is a complete lie.. because honestly there's so much going on in my head.. and Im just so going krazee with fear...
I have been struggling with weaknesses and fears, and insecurities.. Apart from being an amazing person Im feeling like the worst person you'll ever know right now. Do you want the truth? the whole truth? im falling apart here in vancouver.. and apparently Im an alcholic again.. according to some... since my brother and this guy are together all the time...and all the new things my brother comes home with Im strugglin with holding my tongue because really what can I do about it? so because of that Im angry all the time..concerned all the time.. and my way of dealing with these things..only close friends will know that one.
Im listenning to hard core Christian music to try and make it through this...because Im finding myself more and more hating myself for ever thinking I could move here again! yet I can make it just not in this house, not living here..I mean when Im away from my family but close I feel great and have some really amazing times..but sitting here everyday dealing with everyone everyday, and chores, schedules, organizing everything is driving me crazy that yes you would find me out at a bar drinking with my cousins...
I have job opportunities for march but for now Im just trying to figure out my living situation because something has to change or else I don't think I'll make it..I think that I'll lose my mind and really fall to pieces.
I added to lyrics to two of the most amazing songs I've ever heard and am so glad I have them. there are so many more amazing songs but these are just a couple of them...
What do we do when we struggle in life? lots of people do different things..well this is my way of getting through this..apart from talking to my brother... I honestly cried and just said that I dont understand whats going on, but that he should be careful because a man doing these things for my brother has something attached to it you know? nothing is free like that and this man is just a huge concern to me...
If not dealing with that..then trying to deal with routine here at home.. the house is cleaner yes but there's still so much more potential for it.. I mean the kids don't like getting into routine they like the way they live..and it's not good because it's gonna really just man alive..I dont know.. I dont like it and we need more balance in the house...
i have decided that I'll be signing myself up for counselling at the aboriginal counselling centre. I think that as much as I love writing about things I also need someone to talk too...Im a little afraid of what that might look like but I guess it should be good.. it will help me a whole lot and I believe it's a step in the right direction..I just hope that I dont get my brothers and sisters counselor not that she isn't good...but that there's too much common ground for me there you know? I need a fresh pair of eyes on situations going on in my life....
so in the end of it all...Im struggling alot right now and trying to rest up from last week..having a reallly extremly difficult time eating food...that's not good either but I honestly am just struggling with everything..every time I get emotional or under stress my eating habits decrease tremendously..and they have...because i lost a bit of weight...not so good because apparently my wieght was good as some would say...Im trying my best to eat but it's so difficult because everything is so blah...
i find myself in a room listenning to music and looking into space...just sitting..not praying not talking, not writing just sitting...trying to figure out if what Im thinking is alright, or should I really be talking to someone about it youknow? then I call up a friend hoping I could chat with them but because of my shame and fear I back down because it's too terrible..its too out there.. and I dont want to go through this again... so then im back to just sitting there blasting my heavy rock...chillin, crying..
some might be saying why dont you pray? why don't I find a church...why don't I get through this with God... I dont even know how to answer that you know... after this last week of my life and everyone that has come into my life..Im completely confused and so lost, frustrated and just trying to figure this out..and yes the only way might be God.. but.. whatever
in the end..at the end of this evening..I've been crying.. and im not sure what to do now you know? I mean.. do I tell one of my friends...do I just leave it be? or do I scream at the top of my lungs...do I sit in the dark..
listen to my heart...what's it telling me? it's telling me that I've become a filthy child of God and that Im full of darkness...full of vengence, hate..full of hate on myself..vengence on myself.. just joking... its saying that I can do this... I was created to do this..created for greatness adn that I can manage this as terrible as it might seem...i can do this..I can go through this with the help of God...as far away from him as I might feel he's always so close..and he shows me that everyday through feelings, through friends..everything...
in the end Im not giving up...Im just ...
"Open Wounds" by Skillet
In the dark with the music on Wishing I was somewhere else Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help I would rather rot alone Then spend a minute with you I'm gone, I'm gone And you can't stop me from falling apart 'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault [Chorus]How could you, how could you, how could you hate me? When all I ever wanted to be was you? How could you, how could you, how could you love me? When all you ever gave me were open wounds? Downstairs the enemy sleeps Leaving the TV on Watching all the dreams we had turn into static Doesn't matter what I do Nothing's gonna change I'm never good enough And you can't stop me from falling apart 'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault [Chorus]Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end? When will it end??You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault. [Chorus]
"Kill Me Heal Me" by Skillet
Break my bones and reset me Piece by piece you break me Pick up the cross 'cause it's killing time How can I scream when the pain is Such a release I get the courage To pick up the nails 'cause it's killing time Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Breathing your love You're ferocious You're in my lungs Resuscitate Craving your electricity Feet to my pain you give Wings to my fear your peace Inhabits my blood Your love is thick Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on I can't live without it I can't live without it I can't live without it I can't live without it Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on
I have been struggling with weaknesses and fears, and insecurities.. Apart from being an amazing person Im feeling like the worst person you'll ever know right now. Do you want the truth? the whole truth? im falling apart here in vancouver.. and apparently Im an alcholic again.. according to some... since my brother and this guy are together all the time...and all the new things my brother comes home with Im strugglin with holding my tongue because really what can I do about it? so because of that Im angry all the time..concerned all the time.. and my way of dealing with these things..only close friends will know that one.
Im listenning to hard core Christian music to try and make it through this...because Im finding myself more and more hating myself for ever thinking I could move here again! yet I can make it just not in this house, not living here..I mean when Im away from my family but close I feel great and have some really amazing times..but sitting here everyday dealing with everyone everyday, and chores, schedules, organizing everything is driving me crazy that yes you would find me out at a bar drinking with my cousins...
I have job opportunities for march but for now Im just trying to figure out my living situation because something has to change or else I don't think I'll make it..I think that I'll lose my mind and really fall to pieces.
I added to lyrics to two of the most amazing songs I've ever heard and am so glad I have them. there are so many more amazing songs but these are just a couple of them...
What do we do when we struggle in life? lots of people do different things..well this is my way of getting through this..apart from talking to my brother... I honestly cried and just said that I dont understand whats going on, but that he should be careful because a man doing these things for my brother has something attached to it you know? nothing is free like that and this man is just a huge concern to me...
If not dealing with that..then trying to deal with routine here at home.. the house is cleaner yes but there's still so much more potential for it.. I mean the kids don't like getting into routine they like the way they live..and it's not good because it's gonna really just man alive..I dont know.. I dont like it and we need more balance in the house...
i have decided that I'll be signing myself up for counselling at the aboriginal counselling centre. I think that as much as I love writing about things I also need someone to talk too...Im a little afraid of what that might look like but I guess it should be good.. it will help me a whole lot and I believe it's a step in the right direction..I just hope that I dont get my brothers and sisters counselor not that she isn't good...but that there's too much common ground for me there you know? I need a fresh pair of eyes on situations going on in my life....
so in the end of it all...Im struggling alot right now and trying to rest up from last week..having a reallly extremly difficult time eating food...that's not good either but I honestly am just struggling with everything..every time I get emotional or under stress my eating habits decrease tremendously..and they have...because i lost a bit of weight...not so good because apparently my wieght was good as some would say...Im trying my best to eat but it's so difficult because everything is so blah...
i find myself in a room listenning to music and looking into space...just sitting..not praying not talking, not writing just sitting...trying to figure out if what Im thinking is alright, or should I really be talking to someone about it youknow? then I call up a friend hoping I could chat with them but because of my shame and fear I back down because it's too terrible..its too out there.. and I dont want to go through this again... so then im back to just sitting there blasting my heavy rock...chillin, crying..
some might be saying why dont you pray? why don't I find a church...why don't I get through this with God... I dont even know how to answer that you know... after this last week of my life and everyone that has come into my life..Im completely confused and so lost, frustrated and just trying to figure this out..and yes the only way might be God.. but.. whatever
in the end..at the end of this evening..I've been crying.. and im not sure what to do now you know? I mean.. do I tell one of my friends...do I just leave it be? or do I scream at the top of my lungs...do I sit in the dark..
listen to my heart...what's it telling me? it's telling me that I've become a filthy child of God and that Im full of darkness...full of vengence, hate..full of hate on myself..vengence on myself.. just joking... its saying that I can do this... I was created to do this..created for greatness adn that I can manage this as terrible as it might seem...i can do this..I can go through this with the help of God...as far away from him as I might feel he's always so close..and he shows me that everyday through feelings, through friends..everything...
in the end Im not giving up...Im just ...
"Open Wounds" by Skillet
In the dark with the music on Wishing I was somewhere else Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help I would rather rot alone Then spend a minute with you I'm gone, I'm gone And you can't stop me from falling apart 'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault [Chorus]How could you, how could you, how could you hate me? When all I ever wanted to be was you? How could you, how could you, how could you love me? When all you ever gave me were open wounds? Downstairs the enemy sleeps Leaving the TV on Watching all the dreams we had turn into static Doesn't matter what I do Nothing's gonna change I'm never good enough And you can't stop me from falling apart 'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault [Chorus]Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end? When will it end??You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault. [Chorus]
"Kill Me Heal Me" by Skillet
Break my bones and reset me Piece by piece you break me Pick up the cross 'cause it's killing time How can I scream when the pain is Such a release I get the courage To pick up the nails 'cause it's killing time Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Breathing your love You're ferocious You're in my lungs Resuscitate Craving your electricity Feet to my pain you give Wings to my fear your peace Inhabits my blood Your love is thick Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on I can't live without it I can't live without it I can't live without it I can't live without it Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
relaxing, recovering...
This last week of my life apart from some drama was the greatest fun i've ever had in my life! I had met so many people and I was able to do so many things and become so many different people meaning here and there, and just being there...
I didn't get to see much of the festival itself but i had opportunities but I had so much to do that resting was all I had actually wanted to do.. I could not believe the wind that was taken out of me from that whole week of work.. I mean I loved it believe me I did, but I also loved drinking too... I was so glad to be given the opportunity to be apart of this thing, and even then the last night they honoured me or whatever, thanked me for helping them... it was so awesome I was just so happy to have been a part of it..
There was drama but when is there never drama? life is drama!
anyhow as for the weekend which was my birthday....well it was alright the greatest part was being with my family even though it was only for a VERY short time.. I felt so loved and appreciated and Im glad to be back in Vancouver.
the cool thing about working this last week is that I've made a lot of connections and lots of possible opportunties to work.. I mean lots of people heard the many long hours, long nights that I put for this event and so yeah some people got my name and number..and that's a good thing for me...because all the money I've spent this last week oh man alive I dont even know what happened to it..I was able to spend a little time with my new friend and Mentor a woman that everyone loves, everyone is inspired by her..and I got to chill with her and it was just wonderful.. Im really glad that I had made the decision to volunteer for this thing, and that I proved that I can do things on my own..
there were some moments that effected me in a bad way because there was so much going on, and Im trying to be a friend to everyone and anyone that comes my way, on top of still growing up..lol that's funny but what I mean by that is that I don't have much experience in friendships I mean I have many friends and people that have been there for over ten years..but to have made some friends this week and trying to be there for them and not let it be wierd..confused? well Im just saying I've got alot of friends but Im not sure I know how to be a friend.. I mean I have great qualities in being a friend but Im scared of conflict you know? not scared but confused when I have to deal with it because Im not the kind of person to put up with that kind of stuff. and this week apart from working with amazing people I've had my moments of frustration along with everyone there..lol.. but I didn't know how to make it alright you know? I had tried to act like it didn't happen because I couldn't stop my life all for the pains or thoughts of someone else..but I also had a hard time trying to figure it all out in my head about what Im supposed to do..so I found myself constantly asking people for help, and I had a lot of help alot of people cared for me this week.. that's the most amazing thing ever..and Im just really relieved that we got through this week and that everything turned out alright.
i brought my camera nearly everyday and guess what? i never had a moment to be able to take photos which was kinda sad because I wanted to do that..but I never was able to get around to it, because if I wasn't doing this I was doing something else... and I just hardly had time to do anything and even then i often found myself so busy I had forgotten to eat! no ones fault but my own but I'll be getting back into everything else..
I must say that my birthday was pretty good..I mean lots of people on Facebook wished me a happy birthday..one of my amazing friends a lady I had met the beginning of the week had taken me out..and that in itself was a very kind gesture.. i mean i wish that I would have been more happy and more alive..but I was exhausted, and I had someone I wanted to deal with but didn't know how..however even then being out with Molly it was awesome...she really is just an amazing woman that I am so glad to have in my life..I mean that's what it is about her is life.. she's so amazing it's hard to explain it but when Im hanging out with her I always can't help but smile, Im filled with joy when Im around her because she is a woman that does bring healing and does bring much life to those around her...and I am so glad that she came and celebrated my birthday with me...I really truly needed that time....
anyhow... now that last weeks all done...what do I do now? well apparently i'll be meeting with a writing therapist and if anyone knows what that is let me know..I have a job opportunity in Surrey Im just waiting to hear back from them... my friend is still probably wanting me to do overnights with her children... I may have some random opportunities to with different things and hope that it will all come together...
so at the moment I have no money what so ever..but Im hoping to see changes happening in this upcoming month.... Im hoping to make enough money that I can move out of my mother's house as much as I love being close to myfamily..I also need my space...
there isnt really anything new.. its just going to be a relaxing week for me because I have alot of rest and eating I need to catch up on...as well as timewith my family...
thanks for listenning
:)
I didn't get to see much of the festival itself but i had opportunities but I had so much to do that resting was all I had actually wanted to do.. I could not believe the wind that was taken out of me from that whole week of work.. I mean I loved it believe me I did, but I also loved drinking too... I was so glad to be given the opportunity to be apart of this thing, and even then the last night they honoured me or whatever, thanked me for helping them... it was so awesome I was just so happy to have been a part of it..
There was drama but when is there never drama? life is drama!
anyhow as for the weekend which was my birthday....well it was alright the greatest part was being with my family even though it was only for a VERY short time.. I felt so loved and appreciated and Im glad to be back in Vancouver.
the cool thing about working this last week is that I've made a lot of connections and lots of possible opportunties to work.. I mean lots of people heard the many long hours, long nights that I put for this event and so yeah some people got my name and number..and that's a good thing for me...because all the money I've spent this last week oh man alive I dont even know what happened to it..I was able to spend a little time with my new friend and Mentor a woman that everyone loves, everyone is inspired by her..and I got to chill with her and it was just wonderful.. Im really glad that I had made the decision to volunteer for this thing, and that I proved that I can do things on my own..
there were some moments that effected me in a bad way because there was so much going on, and Im trying to be a friend to everyone and anyone that comes my way, on top of still growing up..lol that's funny but what I mean by that is that I don't have much experience in friendships I mean I have many friends and people that have been there for over ten years..but to have made some friends this week and trying to be there for them and not let it be wierd..confused? well Im just saying I've got alot of friends but Im not sure I know how to be a friend.. I mean I have great qualities in being a friend but Im scared of conflict you know? not scared but confused when I have to deal with it because Im not the kind of person to put up with that kind of stuff. and this week apart from working with amazing people I've had my moments of frustration along with everyone there..lol.. but I didn't know how to make it alright you know? I had tried to act like it didn't happen because I couldn't stop my life all for the pains or thoughts of someone else..but I also had a hard time trying to figure it all out in my head about what Im supposed to do..so I found myself constantly asking people for help, and I had a lot of help alot of people cared for me this week.. that's the most amazing thing ever..and Im just really relieved that we got through this week and that everything turned out alright.
i brought my camera nearly everyday and guess what? i never had a moment to be able to take photos which was kinda sad because I wanted to do that..but I never was able to get around to it, because if I wasn't doing this I was doing something else... and I just hardly had time to do anything and even then i often found myself so busy I had forgotten to eat! no ones fault but my own but I'll be getting back into everything else..
I must say that my birthday was pretty good..I mean lots of people on Facebook wished me a happy birthday..one of my amazing friends a lady I had met the beginning of the week had taken me out..and that in itself was a very kind gesture.. i mean i wish that I would have been more happy and more alive..but I was exhausted, and I had someone I wanted to deal with but didn't know how..however even then being out with Molly it was awesome...she really is just an amazing woman that I am so glad to have in my life..I mean that's what it is about her is life.. she's so amazing it's hard to explain it but when Im hanging out with her I always can't help but smile, Im filled with joy when Im around her because she is a woman that does bring healing and does bring much life to those around her...and I am so glad that she came and celebrated my birthday with me...I really truly needed that time....
anyhow... now that last weeks all done...what do I do now? well apparently i'll be meeting with a writing therapist and if anyone knows what that is let me know..I have a job opportunity in Surrey Im just waiting to hear back from them... my friend is still probably wanting me to do overnights with her children... I may have some random opportunities to with different things and hope that it will all come together...
so at the moment I have no money what so ever..but Im hoping to see changes happening in this upcoming month.... Im hoping to make enough money that I can move out of my mother's house as much as I love being close to myfamily..I also need my space...
there isnt really anything new.. its just going to be a relaxing week for me because I have alot of rest and eating I need to catch up on...as well as timewith my family...
thanks for listenning
:)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
first day
How to explain the last two days of my life?
I feel like I was going crazy looking back at everything I was doing.. I worked for Randy's school for a couple days with a lady that drove me crazy because I thought she was a crazy lady with too much on her plate...until I heard her side of the story of how so many people just abandoned her at the time she needed them most..
Im glad that I was there for her and able to help with what I could, however the thing with volunteering is that our lives don't get put on hold for this kind of work...we go home to our lives however rough it might be...I ended up having that situation happen to me and as muhc as I tried to brush off the life outside of the workplace it just added continued tension that was there... So I did not help my enivronment anymore then anyone else did.. we were all putting so much work into this stuff with what did not seem to be any rewards in the end you know? I mean a feeling accomplishment was not there for anyone of us because things were behind, and not done and everything just was a mess...but if we as in the workers knew the stress our boss was under I think we would have given her more slack rather then allowing ourselves to fall into gossip into a frenzy of what a %%tch she had been acting... To be honest she put herself out there for us and we did not allow ourselves to think outside of the box we were all feeling tense of all the work we had to do... so now there's this circle of words going around and no one really just sitting down and saying ok this is what happen, this is how I felt.. I dont know what to do about that..but I got to spend some time with the supervisor after the evening was done and we got to talking and I expressed how I had felt and what I had said, and what others had said that helped influence my feelings about her...and then I got to hear all the garbage she's had to deal with the last three weeks...
so that was actually just the beginning of my work... I also had been working for the talking stick which is the most rewarding part of everything.. I clocked in at about 2 and helped set-up for the evening and then I ended up staying for the evening doing the sellings of their merchandise...I allowed myself to become consumed with some terrible thoughts and I need to break down and I did...it was not a pretty site but it wasn't just the volunteer work..it was my family, it was my brother... I have continued to feel the way I do about my brother and hope that he will do things on his own and just grow in his life..I no longer can be that guide for him to lean on in times of trouble, I can encourage him to reach out to the people at his school and just really do those things because it's not my job.
it was funny because Randy didn't go to school yesterday but I went to his school and volunteered my time there...and it was just drama with my brother and we aren't dealing with it because there isn't anything I can do with that... Im suprised though... one of the people actually the lady I was working with she said she had sensed the abuse my brother suffered...it's funny that somepeople have that sensing and hardly spend any time with anyone...however I can't remember who it was but they hadn't realized that I had lived through those sorts of abuse as a child as well.. I guess I've grown in the sense of my insecurities, and loving myself..which is a good step in the right direction...
as for the rest of my evening...I went and seen Sandy Scofield that was the highlight of my day..and I met some pretty amazing people because the talking stick was there all the important people..We were all relaxing and drinking too...I got to meet and talk to Margo herself which was an awesome thing for me because I was able to tell her about myself, I actually just really enjoyed that.. and it seemed like a good time to socialize and it was.. I was so sad that some of my friends couldn't come out, and that some of the people I had met earlier on that evening were not able to come out..
Im not sure if I'll see those people that I met yesterday again..but if I do great..but if I don't it's always those moments of just being there and having the moments to touch someone elses life..
do you know whats difficult? to address myself as a Christian! is that a bad thing I believe it is... the only reason is because Im not in a church and actually not doing anything with that for the very reason I've got some things to work out on my own.. but then there's the fact that Im also enjoying life in a way that God would probably not be pleased..the enemy has been playing on my weaknesses.. its not just the drinking and having fun there's more to it...
and if not that...Im trying to let go of Ontario.. trying to let go of one man.. I dont know what happened, I don't know why we are bonded or if we are...but I've allowed myself to believe that Im going to wait for him..he doesn't return my phone calls or e-mails, but I continue to say Im not available to other men who are interested... I think because I never really said Good bye it makes it more difficult to actually believe that this is the end..Im still holding onto hope that I might see him again, or that he will just talk to me...but he doesn't.. he's gone and thats the problem with him is that he's never really been there..but when he was it was the greatest thing in the world, and I felt so alive, so happy so something that I'd not felt before.. and to have that gone to have him gone...Im having a hard time coming to reality youknow?
Im lame ass person who really cares about someone that I'll never see again...someone I miss every minute of my life.. a heartbreak that was never broken...its like im dangling in hope that he will call, or he will write me..and yet he won't... he's gone his own way.. he has manipulated me into this room of him... the sweet aroma of his voice, his beautiful sweet gentle eyes, and his smurk awe man alive! I hate that.. I hate that I miss him and I hate that I can't let him go. no matter what I do! He left me incomplete.
I feel like I was going crazy looking back at everything I was doing.. I worked for Randy's school for a couple days with a lady that drove me crazy because I thought she was a crazy lady with too much on her plate...until I heard her side of the story of how so many people just abandoned her at the time she needed them most..
Im glad that I was there for her and able to help with what I could, however the thing with volunteering is that our lives don't get put on hold for this kind of work...we go home to our lives however rough it might be...I ended up having that situation happen to me and as muhc as I tried to brush off the life outside of the workplace it just added continued tension that was there... So I did not help my enivronment anymore then anyone else did.. we were all putting so much work into this stuff with what did not seem to be any rewards in the end you know? I mean a feeling accomplishment was not there for anyone of us because things were behind, and not done and everything just was a mess...but if we as in the workers knew the stress our boss was under I think we would have given her more slack rather then allowing ourselves to fall into gossip into a frenzy of what a %%tch she had been acting... To be honest she put herself out there for us and we did not allow ourselves to think outside of the box we were all feeling tense of all the work we had to do... so now there's this circle of words going around and no one really just sitting down and saying ok this is what happen, this is how I felt.. I dont know what to do about that..but I got to spend some time with the supervisor after the evening was done and we got to talking and I expressed how I had felt and what I had said, and what others had said that helped influence my feelings about her...and then I got to hear all the garbage she's had to deal with the last three weeks...
so that was actually just the beginning of my work... I also had been working for the talking stick which is the most rewarding part of everything.. I clocked in at about 2 and helped set-up for the evening and then I ended up staying for the evening doing the sellings of their merchandise...I allowed myself to become consumed with some terrible thoughts and I need to break down and I did...it was not a pretty site but it wasn't just the volunteer work..it was my family, it was my brother... I have continued to feel the way I do about my brother and hope that he will do things on his own and just grow in his life..I no longer can be that guide for him to lean on in times of trouble, I can encourage him to reach out to the people at his school and just really do those things because it's not my job.
it was funny because Randy didn't go to school yesterday but I went to his school and volunteered my time there...and it was just drama with my brother and we aren't dealing with it because there isn't anything I can do with that... Im suprised though... one of the people actually the lady I was working with she said she had sensed the abuse my brother suffered...it's funny that somepeople have that sensing and hardly spend any time with anyone...however I can't remember who it was but they hadn't realized that I had lived through those sorts of abuse as a child as well.. I guess I've grown in the sense of my insecurities, and loving myself..which is a good step in the right direction...
as for the rest of my evening...I went and seen Sandy Scofield that was the highlight of my day..and I met some pretty amazing people because the talking stick was there all the important people..We were all relaxing and drinking too...I got to meet and talk to Margo herself which was an awesome thing for me because I was able to tell her about myself, I actually just really enjoyed that.. and it seemed like a good time to socialize and it was.. I was so sad that some of my friends couldn't come out, and that some of the people I had met earlier on that evening were not able to come out..
Im not sure if I'll see those people that I met yesterday again..but if I do great..but if I don't it's always those moments of just being there and having the moments to touch someone elses life..
do you know whats difficult? to address myself as a Christian! is that a bad thing I believe it is... the only reason is because Im not in a church and actually not doing anything with that for the very reason I've got some things to work out on my own.. but then there's the fact that Im also enjoying life in a way that God would probably not be pleased..the enemy has been playing on my weaknesses.. its not just the drinking and having fun there's more to it...
and if not that...Im trying to let go of Ontario.. trying to let go of one man.. I dont know what happened, I don't know why we are bonded or if we are...but I've allowed myself to believe that Im going to wait for him..he doesn't return my phone calls or e-mails, but I continue to say Im not available to other men who are interested... I think because I never really said Good bye it makes it more difficult to actually believe that this is the end..Im still holding onto hope that I might see him again, or that he will just talk to me...but he doesn't.. he's gone and thats the problem with him is that he's never really been there..but when he was it was the greatest thing in the world, and I felt so alive, so happy so something that I'd not felt before.. and to have that gone to have him gone...Im having a hard time coming to reality youknow?
Im lame ass person who really cares about someone that I'll never see again...someone I miss every minute of my life.. a heartbreak that was never broken...its like im dangling in hope that he will call, or he will write me..and yet he won't... he's gone his own way.. he has manipulated me into this room of him... the sweet aroma of his voice, his beautiful sweet gentle eyes, and his smurk awe man alive! I hate that.. I hate that I miss him and I hate that I can't let him go. no matter what I do! He left me incomplete.
Monday, February 11, 2008
festival week
Im tired..that's all i want to say!
However that's not all that's happened todayl..lol.. I went to my brother's school and I volunteered for the school helping them put together some stuff for the festival....future suggestion never say to someone who needs help for work "I have no timeline Im free" because I ended up being there with them all day and night I just got home an hour ago... I hardly got a break or anything and I am just exhausted and cranky because Im exhausted..and yet I still have a routine evening of shower, and brushing my teeth...things that once seemed so simple are about to be the hardest things for me tonight.
I mean don't get me wrong I enjoyed the day because I got to meet some people, as well as some of randy's teachers and youth workers which was a great insight for me...because I want to be a "child and youth worker" and I got to talk to one of them today and it was just really awesome you know?? I mean the lady I talked to has been a youth worker for 14yrs and she finds it rewarding adn that makes me happy because that's what I want to do with my life!
other then that I spent the whole day looking at lines, and frames, and photos and walls..bah I don't want to do it again.. sadly enough though I'll be there tomorrow morning again but this time Im hoping to wear my running shoes but I likely won't because my boots are heeled so Im taller and its better in the rain..
Anyhow...other then that I went out with my cousins this last weekend on Saturday we went to a bar..had a couple drinks and just laughed and had a good time... I want to do that again but not anytime soon...I dont know what it is about drinking for me... but honestly in the beginning of my shift work today I felt like I was on drugs because I felt so alive, so happy and just awesome..it was great but it faded because I didn't eat, and I was getting tired..but it was fun because I made others happy and we all had a good time.. towards the end ofthe night we were all tense because of worrying about perfection, straight lines, and bah!
anyhow I had fun being out with my cousins..and it's difficult to be honest about something like that..because I know many would think how foolish it is for me to be drinking or going out and having a couple especially with my history...however sometimes I feel that I need to just blow off some steam, or just relax for one night.. one evening where Im away from routine, away from children and just chillin with some friends..
not sure...
well my birthday is on Saturday...its hard to think that it's coming by because I already feel so old so to know my birthday's coming makes me want to stop having them because of the way I feel..more as the fact I feel old, I feel like I'd wake up tomorrow and I'll be so fragile so full of wrinkles, and gray hair...but that's not the case I guess it's just because of my maturity level that I feel older then I actually am.. thats kinda why I like going to the bar sometimes because I feel young, not like a kid but just young..Im not this old fart Im actually young and stuff...maybe I just need to have more fun Im not sure just yet.
well my french toast is ready...lol that's the only reason I was writing tonight..lol..
Honestly Im struggling with writing lately for the last month..I started a story I cannot finish, and realized maybe Im not supposed to finish, then I started a testmonial story and realized I'll finish that but that's not something I can share anytime soon... but I'm struggling with my writing so I need to find more time to be here in this place of writing, because it's here also I can be me..I can just write about anything and everything and it's my theriputic way of expressing myself, my emotions, fears etc...
I have alot more I want to say.. like...
this one thing thats bothering me.. I have a friend that I've known since I first heard of God...and yet it's been like ten or eleven years since I met this friend and yet I dont even know that person... Im not worried I'd lose her as a friend..but I feel like a bad friend... but maybe it's like my friend Donna it's more preserved friendship and more close but distant you know? Im not saying being friends with Donna is distant..but that its going to take time to get to know my friend..not like the rest of my friends getting toknow them seemed to be the easy and greatest part apart from the fact that I love them to pieces..I know each of their stories..but this one person..but maybe it's just a different kind of friendship...but there's a strong bond there you know? even though I dont know her all that well I do know her that well..maybe it's like my friendship with mary.. I mean Iknow Mary and I love her with every part of me but at the same time I am still getting to know Mary...everything is in time..and I can't force these things to come forth its not my timing its his...See I just figured all that out by writing it! YAY! I feel more alive and happy that I got to figure it out...
now I will sleep well tonight..thanks for listenning..
Good night!
However that's not all that's happened todayl..lol.. I went to my brother's school and I volunteered for the school helping them put together some stuff for the festival....future suggestion never say to someone who needs help for work "I have no timeline Im free" because I ended up being there with them all day and night I just got home an hour ago... I hardly got a break or anything and I am just exhausted and cranky because Im exhausted..and yet I still have a routine evening of shower, and brushing my teeth...things that once seemed so simple are about to be the hardest things for me tonight.
I mean don't get me wrong I enjoyed the day because I got to meet some people, as well as some of randy's teachers and youth workers which was a great insight for me...because I want to be a "child and youth worker" and I got to talk to one of them today and it was just really awesome you know?? I mean the lady I talked to has been a youth worker for 14yrs and she finds it rewarding adn that makes me happy because that's what I want to do with my life!
other then that I spent the whole day looking at lines, and frames, and photos and walls..bah I don't want to do it again.. sadly enough though I'll be there tomorrow morning again but this time Im hoping to wear my running shoes but I likely won't because my boots are heeled so Im taller and its better in the rain..
Anyhow...other then that I went out with my cousins this last weekend on Saturday we went to a bar..had a couple drinks and just laughed and had a good time... I want to do that again but not anytime soon...I dont know what it is about drinking for me... but honestly in the beginning of my shift work today I felt like I was on drugs because I felt so alive, so happy and just awesome..it was great but it faded because I didn't eat, and I was getting tired..but it was fun because I made others happy and we all had a good time.. towards the end ofthe night we were all tense because of worrying about perfection, straight lines, and bah!
anyhow I had fun being out with my cousins..and it's difficult to be honest about something like that..because I know many would think how foolish it is for me to be drinking or going out and having a couple especially with my history...however sometimes I feel that I need to just blow off some steam, or just relax for one night.. one evening where Im away from routine, away from children and just chillin with some friends..
not sure...
well my birthday is on Saturday...its hard to think that it's coming by because I already feel so old so to know my birthday's coming makes me want to stop having them because of the way I feel..more as the fact I feel old, I feel like I'd wake up tomorrow and I'll be so fragile so full of wrinkles, and gray hair...but that's not the case I guess it's just because of my maturity level that I feel older then I actually am.. thats kinda why I like going to the bar sometimes because I feel young, not like a kid but just young..Im not this old fart Im actually young and stuff...maybe I just need to have more fun Im not sure just yet.
well my french toast is ready...lol that's the only reason I was writing tonight..lol..
Honestly Im struggling with writing lately for the last month..I started a story I cannot finish, and realized maybe Im not supposed to finish, then I started a testmonial story and realized I'll finish that but that's not something I can share anytime soon... but I'm struggling with my writing so I need to find more time to be here in this place of writing, because it's here also I can be me..I can just write about anything and everything and it's my theriputic way of expressing myself, my emotions, fears etc...
I have alot more I want to say.. like...
this one thing thats bothering me.. I have a friend that I've known since I first heard of God...and yet it's been like ten or eleven years since I met this friend and yet I dont even know that person... Im not worried I'd lose her as a friend..but I feel like a bad friend... but maybe it's like my friend Donna it's more preserved friendship and more close but distant you know? Im not saying being friends with Donna is distant..but that its going to take time to get to know my friend..not like the rest of my friends getting toknow them seemed to be the easy and greatest part apart from the fact that I love them to pieces..I know each of their stories..but this one person..but maybe it's just a different kind of friendship...but there's a strong bond there you know? even though I dont know her all that well I do know her that well..maybe it's like my friendship with mary.. I mean Iknow Mary and I love her with every part of me but at the same time I am still getting to know Mary...everything is in time..and I can't force these things to come forth its not my timing its his...See I just figured all that out by writing it! YAY! I feel more alive and happy that I got to figure it out...
now I will sleep well tonight..thanks for listenning..
Good night!
Friday, February 8, 2008
letting go
I have to admit that I have not allowed myself to think of the circumstances of my life and the things I had to face in Ontario. I have avoided the topic of that life that I had to lead, one day I know that I'll have to share the dark secrets of my life... Today I watched a show and one lady shared a story to a younger girl to help her overcome her fears or her pain. I guess that's how it will be with my future I will have to let others see the past of my life and a majority of it I am not afraid to share...however this last year of my life I've never felt so irresponsible for my choices and so childhish I decided to act in a way that I regret terribly.
I began to lose myself in my drinking and partying thinking that this is what I needed to do in order to live, to survive the terrible pain that had awaited me... I made myself believe that this was the only way and that I could not go any other way because I had tried so many things to get this terrible pain away, no one really understood how it felt for me to have to live like this.. To know that my youngest sister...I can't even get into it.
either way for me to leave all that I had in Ontario.. And come back here the place where all the pain had begun...It seemed impossible in the beginning to be able to be in this place, to look at innoncence the same way...It seemed like a monster out to torture every fibre of my being to try and help terrorize me into doing something I'd regret but to feel that in that way there would be justice in this place.. I thank God that I have God so close to me, so close..Im grateful that he has put people into my life to remind me of what Im living for, why Im alive and what I have been created for...If not for that I would not be able to have this kind of strength, to love instead of hate, to pray instead of prey on the weak... To be here as their sister and friend and not their super hero or villian out to hurt those who hurt them.. to encourage them not force them... It's taken alot of growing up on my part...
Letting go of Ontario life seemed easy but there are those moments...those moments when i wish I could see certain people one last time... People I wish I could just see, to look into their eyes and tell them I'll be okay.. So many people worry about me being back in this place and at times i worry but I know that this is the right thing to do...
I just miss a specific someone.. and I can't seem to just let that go... I hope that in time I'll be able to get on with my life.. to just know that all's I need right now is God and his love and guidance in my life. everything has been done at just the right time... I hope that this will just all come together soon and that I'll see the beauty in all that has happened...
thanks for listenning...ttyl
I began to lose myself in my drinking and partying thinking that this is what I needed to do in order to live, to survive the terrible pain that had awaited me... I made myself believe that this was the only way and that I could not go any other way because I had tried so many things to get this terrible pain away, no one really understood how it felt for me to have to live like this.. To know that my youngest sister...I can't even get into it.
either way for me to leave all that I had in Ontario.. And come back here the place where all the pain had begun...It seemed impossible in the beginning to be able to be in this place, to look at innoncence the same way...It seemed like a monster out to torture every fibre of my being to try and help terrorize me into doing something I'd regret but to feel that in that way there would be justice in this place.. I thank God that I have God so close to me, so close..Im grateful that he has put people into my life to remind me of what Im living for, why Im alive and what I have been created for...If not for that I would not be able to have this kind of strength, to love instead of hate, to pray instead of prey on the weak... To be here as their sister and friend and not their super hero or villian out to hurt those who hurt them.. to encourage them not force them... It's taken alot of growing up on my part...
Letting go of Ontario life seemed easy but there are those moments...those moments when i wish I could see certain people one last time... People I wish I could just see, to look into their eyes and tell them I'll be okay.. So many people worry about me being back in this place and at times i worry but I know that this is the right thing to do...
I just miss a specific someone.. and I can't seem to just let that go... I hope that in time I'll be able to get on with my life.. to just know that all's I need right now is God and his love and guidance in my life. everything has been done at just the right time... I hope that this will just all come together soon and that I'll see the beauty in all that has happened...
thanks for listenning...ttyl
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