Weakness moment

 I have to write what is weak for me.. because sometimes I realize that alot of the time it's in my head, and what is real is truth, and truth is all that matters. 

We've been together for what seems like such a short time, and yet today something was said that made me think of some things, that I guess has me thinking... she said that our love has been through a lifetime, which is great it means it can last yes... but it also means if we don't nurture it? maybe it can die? IDK. it's bothering me because I get worried, concerned, scared... just as though you search for love, or whatever the fuck we search for, when we find it we are afraid of losing it.. wanting to keep it etc.

When we first got together it was all about chaos, we totally got together at a difficult time for both of us, we I guess we held one another in regard to IDK?? but when it fell apart it was because of me.. it was my mind, my head, my thoughts, the input of others that made me doubt, and sadly made me say something I hardly remember. it's funny because I felt for awhile that I was someone completely different when I said those things, but the reality is... its me.. its me doubting what I have and all that I have.

To find a love so rare...to find beauty, life, happiness, joy even in one person is impossible at least I feel that.. but to create that together...to laugh at ourselves, to laugh at our good moments, to find life, and happiness in simple things in life, to be able to spend hours on the phone talking about everything and nothing at all... it's beautiful.. its fun. but then when the silence comes... I get scared, and I end up writing, or cleaning, or internalizing it all... feeling like maybe it's dying.. but reality is it's not dying.. this is what i have to remind myself.
Today when I told her the reasons why I loved her, it was beautiful.. it wasn't easy! you know people make it seem easy to tell someone why you love them. but to really think about it, to really put it into words isn't easy.. and I did it because... because I believe in our love, I believe in her, and i believe that we have a future together. 

before....not even that long ago, I didn't believe this.. I thought all the many reasons that I wasn't enough, that this wasn't real, and that it's not capable to love me, because of all the pain I've created, caused, endured, but we all deserve love... and we all deserve happiness.. 
As she had said back then she isn't my true happiness, I hardly know what that means, but I know that she is my happiness right now, just as much as we are in love right now, and there isn't much that can destroy that, and that's what she means by enduring this much for this time and space.. is that we have been through so much in such a short period of time, that we can make it through anything. 
I wish though.. and I have to say it.. I wish that we were together a bit more, to do regular couple things, it's been hard to see her struggle and know that I have a home here ready and waiting for her., I'm basically willing to move, willing to give up everything to be with her.. and that's definitely too early to say as well, but what we have... as she had said has been through so much, and i'd like the happy moments to last more than one or two days, I'd like to be able to have more fun, more walks, more parks, more ocean views, more sunsets together. 

I know that I have to be patient an let her go through her rollercoaster life, and hopefully be the one thing that is consistent in her life, and not wavier in that, but I do have my moments.. Isn't it normal to want to love love, and to enjoy those moments of love>? I feel like it's normal. 
anyway.. its hard.. tonight is hard...

we both had moments... not with one another but with things happening in our lives, and we had an idea that didn't come to life which made things feel shitty, and that's what has caused me to write, because I worry.. I have concerns, and I have so many questions still unanswered, and I have so many things I'd like to say...
it's been an intense couple of weeks, and I hope the next few gets easier because we both deserve to enjoy what we have... 

I really love our random fun though. I cannot stress it enough that we have fun when it's spontaneous and fun, it reminds me of someone sometimes.. just getting up and going. 

Can we just have a break.. have some fun you know? have some good beautiful days that are worthy of greatness, worthy of pictures, and worthy of memories that last a life time? that's all I'd like just one day. lol

Live in this

 Its funny because a picture is worth a lot of words.. reactions.. I was scared to hear from others regarding a family photograph that was taken. but I decided I wanted it, because we wanted it.. and therefore it happened.. 

We posted a new updated family picture on social media and the outcome is good, but almost too good you know? Like it was all the comments about how happy we looked, no mention that twenty four hours earlier she had a weak moment and wanted to give up on us. we just living in the now, I had a lot of weak ass moments last week. but like I said.. we are where we are an we're happy. 

for my followers.. for me to choose to be happy.. to choose this is a hard decision but at the same time I look at this picture and I feel it, know it, and believe it. and I believe that it can break through anything, and breakthrough my fears of it. we all deserve happiness... 

then my mind wanders... all of the future.. all of the wanting to show her the world, wanting to share every moment with her, but also realizing that as much as she owns my heart, that i do have a kid. it will not be easy for me to pick up and go, but I hope to find  a way to make it work. I also don't know the future. I don't know about forever.. as I say often IDK but our love is now, and our love wins now. and that's where I wanna live with. 

Its nice to be capable of loving someone to the point of happiness if that makes any sense, but it's nice to matter to someone, that if I died there would be someone who could say they knew me.. Its nice to know her passion regarding my kid, that when I get upset about the little things about my kid, like if another kid makes him cry, or if someone hurts him, I react in anger, and she does as well. 

I feel like that makes me love her more? does that make sense? that it's not just my life she is impacting or coming into, but she is coming into his life as well.. and knowing that makes such a huge difference, and I love that this is what she wants, for now, this is what she sees, feels and knows. it maybe a cheesy kind of love, but again its a love we share right now. 

I just want every experience. I want to be able to live our lives to the fullest, an to one day be dying or dead, and to have someone say I died doing what I love.. not that i know what that means but you get the picture. 
I hope for a beautiful future... I hope to keep making good choices, and to remind her to love, just as well as myself. 

other than my insane love.

it was recommended that I contact my kids daycare regarding his behaviour at home, and bring up my concerns and worries, and see what comes of it... because I want him to be ok, but I also want him to feel like he can express himself with me, not hiding under a table or in a dark room, or pouting, or whatever it is. and I wonder what messages he gets from daycare regarding this because maybe they aren't aware of his reactions at home.. IDK>... I hardly know what I am doing, or if what I am doing will ever make a difference... I know I know Im crazy. 

Im exhausted... cant even see anymore so tired 

The choice

 It has been a hard day of reality check... I know these moments are bound to happen because of where we are at in our lives, but it was such a hard moment.. it was hard to hear that the person I fought for, adore, and love, has been stuck in a spot that almost I cannot reach. It was really hard because I said the wrong things, or whatever as I always do, because I get worked up, I react. and if she knew the truth she'd understand why I did or said what I did, but there are such a few amount of people who know the truth that I cannot say.. 

It was hard to give her that choice and see what she did with it, and at first I think she contemplated it but realized she wasn't thinking straight, and it worked out, but it was a hard moment for me, because I basically feel all in. If that makes any sense? there were tests that I usually do with anyone in my life, and I usually do them awhile, but with her it felt different, I cannot describe it, it felt beautiful, it felt like our souls touched, and connected in ways that I've never felt before, and so my tests with her were short lived, and now Im all in. an she was at one point as well.. but something has changed..

and now its not because of me.

its because of her circumstances, all the chaos in her life, all the chaos she faces on the daily. all the challenges she has in her future, as well as all her mental health, an her housing, stability, consistentancy, everything for her is so jumbled if that makes sense... it's all chaos.. and for some odd reason she welcomed me back? maybe because I can be a stable support, and I'm not the person I was when we ended or I ended the relationship. I've been doing really well with all my thoughts, my concerns, my doubts, or worries.. I've allowed myself to feel them but to let them go, because I know and see her heart in ways no one else has seen, I know how seeing her smile makes it feel as bright an radiant as the sun, and how it warms my soul. I love the way we are together, I like that we turn heads when we walk hand in hand, in a world that some yes do accept us, others not so much. I love the pda fun, I love the fun, I love the fun,  I cannot get over that, because when there's fun for us, her smile comes out, her trueness comes out, and for those few moments we are happy and content even if it's just here at home.. I'd love to be out in the world.

I'd love to show her the world. I'd love to experience the world with her, but that's the future.. this pandemic it feels like its kicking our asses, cannot travel, cannot find solitude anywhere but within our own communities, an as much fun as that sounds, there's a reason I have a car, a reason why I love to travel, reasons why I'd love to get lost in the dark sky sitting in my car watching the stars, theres so much beauty in the world.. it's hard to be locked down. 

the choices today were a reality... of what her and I both face indiviually but what we must face together, because I've just proven her and I are stronger together, I can be there for her in ways that she may need, and I can bring about emotion about life? love? whatever and it's nice, an yes it doesn't last, but the memories do, and in those dark moments that's what we or I focus on. because we were happy. we can be happy, we choose to be happy, we have to deal with all the jumble of life but we can do that together, and i can believe for the both of us, as I try be here to support her..
I feel like this has been such a growth for me.. I don't like the person I was, but the person I feel I am now its a good one, but its hard, because sometimes just like anything, change is hard, growth is  hard, and love like this is beautiful, there is nothing I wouldnt do for her. as she'd say about me. 

on top of all this fun!

I have a kid.. a kid who loves her. who loves us... but...

For some odd reason is going through a phase I'm not familiar with, and therefore honestly I've never had a kid before, and I've never asked for help. But I reached out because i worry about the kid. I worry about their reactions, their choices, their decisions, there's so much bad moments in the world, and I don't know that much about being a parent. I'm doing my best, but when the kid acted the way they do, it scared me like there's something more going on here, like maybe this behavior is something from learning experinces from daycare and if that is the truth it honestly makes me think the kid seen this somewhere, and maybe whomever the other kid that does this, maybe they need help!
I don't know... 
I dont try say my kid is perfect, adn has the best attitude. we have our moments, but the fact the they think it's ok to walk off like that crying, or making me sad, IDK... like it made me think where did you learn this behaviour because it makes me worry. I dont want the kid to think it's all ok to do this, I believe in letting him cry with his mom? or in general. I dont want him to go off to hide to cry, I want that cycle of our future to be broken, I want him to know it's ok to cry, and that theres a reason for it, and we will work through it. I don't want him crying alone in dark room. that concerns me..
I'll have to contact his daycare to find out how they handle this because it concerns me.. on a level that I cannot describe except that I am concerned where he learned it, and also is this normal behaviour if it is how to allow it, and also ask that he come to me..

so much on my mind.. I feel like buying a book because I honestly don't know much about raising kids Ive had little experience, and Im terrified Im going to screw it up, I just dont want to be like that if that makes sense..

so much more to the story but Im exhausted... 

Chose blind faith

 so I started out thinking that today was going to be the day I'm going to question everything! I'm going to come out and say, say everything I've written,say every doubt in my mind, or every question I need answered. I was going to ask her for real if this was a game, if she was planning on her hurting me or leaving me or anything. 

something stopped me in my tracks...as I scrolled through social media... someone had made a post about how hard it is to love someone with depression, or how hard it is for them in their perspective.. all their own fears, doubts, and thoughts that are not real..the person basically said put myself in their shoes.. and I realized... as hard as this has been for me... how hard has it been for her... 
to feel like I didn't love her, or care, or want to support her, and be here for her, so it honestly changed my reaction? my response? to her struggles, and how hard things must truly be for her.. 

so when she called today... my attitude was completely different.. I came in to a place of love.. I came to a place of understanding, and wanting to support, and love. and it changed everything for the both of us I believe.. and how easy it was for me just to say take a breath, or put myself in her shoes, of how hard it feels to feel like she doesn't feel like she can love me, but so desperately wants to love me, or love her. IDK.

and in changing my attitude.. in my choice.!!! THAT"S right.., in my choice and decision to come from love, and support.. I feel like her attitude may have changed as well, she got the reassurance she may have needed to know that I'm here.. as much as she wants to give up, as much as I want to give up, I am still here, and I still believe.. 
I don't know if that's the right decision, but I know for right now... we have to just give the love and support. there's so much going on in her life, and when she brought me back in her life, she knew the chaos, and maybe she wanted the love? IDK... maybe she needed the stability.. IDK. whatever it may be, it's a small price I pay to be reassuring, to love, to support, and just to be someone who's willing to stand by her...

now you know tomorrow this can change, tomorrow she can decide she's done.. I don't know, but for today. I am walking in the blind faith of knowing that our love wins, our love conquers all.. and as hard as it is to keep this up, I also know that the benefits always outweigh the sacrifice, she can be happy, she can wake up tomorrow and have a good sleep, or she can wake up and be happy, she can choose to see me, or she can decide to give up, run away, and destructive behaviors can destroy all that we had, I just don't know.. but in this moment.. 

I believe in our love.. I'm tired of doubting it, I"m tired of feeling like I don't matter, because I do, and she's made that clear, and it should need to be done to my satisifaction, it is a hard road for me, because it's a moment of growth, but the love is worth it. wait not the love. her love, her beauty, her perfection, is worth it. and I want the happiness, we can be happy, we can live good healthy lives, but in time, in growth. as long as we both want, and strive for that, there is nothing that can stand in our way

I just want to move forward. I dont want to hurt anymore, and I need to stop myself from doubting what is real because she is real, and this feels real, and what more do I need from all that? 

<3 

I'm Suffocating here

 It's all that is coming to my mind as I go through this shitty day.. I don't know where to begin or what to say, I honestly don't know what to think! there are days we are on the rainbows and stars, and happiness is just so pure an beautiful. but there are days like the last 2 days.. where I don't know why I even matter.. if I did something, or ended up somewhere would it even have mattered at all. 

I don't get what the relationship is about, I don't get why it is so easy for her to  be ok with this, and I'm so fucked over this. there is nothing that I can say that makes it better.. because when I asked for better, it's like it got worse, oh it got worse... the bs.. of lets hang out (because she feels obligated to say) but me I feel like saying no over and over. because I know she's only doing that because I asked for more time, but I didn't mean now, an again I don't want just another chore, another meeting, another person she has to be around or check in with if that makes any sense. 

I wanted our bs passion of love to guide us, make us happy. when I fought for this relationship I was very clear that I only wanted to live in the happiness, but I didn't realize that I'd doubt it, or question her loyalty to it, or commitment, and the fact that I can't ask her, talk to her, or know or sense where shes at, except some bs text message... I'm starting to fade.. starting to doubt. starting to just not care. 
Is it seriously just me! is it just me that thinks its super strange that the person you allegedly love is not the first/last or middle thought, or that anything that happens in your day, or any sadness, or happiness, anything at all is not worthy of a conversation, or a phone call. 
I was very clear that I was done with the texting and instead it's all I get.. its really shitty.. it hurts a lot. 

but of course I'm me! I'm BACK where I was! i'm back to not being able to leave, or being able to walk away because I've made some bs promise of never giving up.. I'm jepordizing my own sanity, my own love for my own desire to what do better? IDK.
I wanted to fight for this.. I wanted to make this work.. but it feels one sided... it feels like i'm the only one, and maybe she thinks the same thing.. but I don't know what more to do. 

I offer support. I offer help. I offer everything I have.. and it's never enough..it's never enough to get her attention, her love? IDK. 
but then!!!!!
DONT FORGET!!!!

what' I'm dealing with! and therefore I'm back to square whatever in recognizing that there are reasons she is doing this, just in the same matter of why I did what I did. I'm angry that Im at the other end of this, and that I have to guess, wonder or worry about whether we will fight, break up, love, happiness for us. its always a wonder.. and I realize now everything is on her time, and I realize I'm not ok with that. and so I just want to pull back.. say fuck it.. I don't matter enough to be considered.. maybe I'm only in her life for one bs reason that is not even worth that either.. I don't get what the fuck I'm doing.. 

I don't know how to word this shit to be heard.. to not be attacked yet again.. but I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like I'm drowning, I feel like I'm suffocating, because I feel what I feel, and I don't want to send anymore text messages, I don't want to be all about that bs anymore. I talk to lots of people in texts, but I also see them just as much as we text. whereas her.. I never see her... our relationship as I said is through text messages, and I don't know if that's worth it.. I don't get how love can conquer, how can love win, when love is nowhere to be found... I don't understand how to have faith in something that is not existing in my daily life? you know? even people who have religion, regularly have service, have signs, or hopes, o or whatever bs that happens with all that,,, whereas I have...nothing.. a random text message here and there that is supposed to be the complete love of her..

its not enough anymore.. and I need her to see that because again I won't walk away, but I'll also destroy myself, and I'll also suffocate forever, and if she does love me she'd see that, and want to make changes, or make the right decision that she doesn't love me at all.. that she thinks she does? because love doesn't feel like this, love isn't supposed to hurt me, love isn't supposed to have me resort to ways that are not normal, and love is def not supposed to make me cry everyday because I've survived another day, but I'm looking in the mirror and I no longer know who is looking back at me.

I'm fuckin struggling.. I'm hurting, and I want to break free..> but I wont... because I said I said its not who I am, even if it's whats best.. I cant this time.. ,she will have to make that decision because she knows she doesn't love me at all.. 

an if she does in anyway! then I'm not sure how that is true anymore.. I don't see anywhere that's been done with love.. I'm hurting really bad, and I'm wounded, and suffocating.. and she can't know.. because of what she's going through, maybe she's blinded by it. I'm not sure what to think or do...... except suffer through here, because I'm losing my mind, my soul, and my heart. 

Unknown to you

 I have had this song in my head for the last day... It was one of the songs I sent to her when we were not together, it was hard for me to hear, because I had messed up in our relationship, and I wanted it back, I wanted to rewind time to make it not be what it was.. but I also wasn't sure if I mattered to her. 

I know that I realize now that I say a lot of things in the wrong ways... and I thought about it and I think I do it because I know or feel like I'll be rejected.. or maybe I'm setting myself up for failure.? I'm not really sure why I do what I do.. there are or were better ways to have that conversation and I did it all wrong, adn it set off a wildfire of painful moments that really hurt me.. 
I didn't mean that to be the outcome, but for whatever reason my gf was hurt or angry or frustrated IDK, she said some things that really pissed me off, and I cannot get over that.... 
She was right in finding time and place to talk but the response to my honesty no matter the delivery it was painful.

I realize that i am the cause of a lot of our broken communication.. I hate that this is true. but I also hate that I don't know what she even thinks of us, or how this has been going because in her mind it's been great.. and in my mind I'm lost in how it can be great. 
I feel like an old married couple who can barely stand one another, which is why we've broken it down to texting, and seeing one another once a week..
I didnt want the extreme of who we were before, but I don't want to feel like this... and the argument or whatever has left lingering effects...

I am trying to be as supportive as I can, pretending like what happened wasn't painful, but reality is it was and it wasnt ok to do that to me... because there was literally nothing I can do, and nothing I was willing to do because people make their own choices.. and regardless it was hard..
I'm struggling now how to get past that... because as if the last couple weeks haven't been difficult it is now going to get more difficult if that makes any sense...

I have to what...I have to be supportive, understanding, and not let my own emotions or thoughts fuck with that, because in her mind she's what in a weird spot and wants to run from me, and everyone, and she's trying really hard to stay connected so I have to be supportive and understanding, and basically feeling like I have to put my feelings in the back burner.. adn that's hard because moments that she wants to talk, she wants to see me, and I'm still wounded by the last 24 hours, and I don't know how to work through that, I only want the best, and I demand my best, but sometimes I get down.. like these last few posts... its hard without the communication..

I hate that I was raised this way.. I hate that I struggle with communication and it's one main ingredient to any relationship... and now matter how much I try.. words don't come to light, I dont voice anything, and then I sit in the car for 20 mins in silence with her, because I literally have nothing worth talking about, except now it's later..and I'm struggling...

I'm struggling because it feels like my brain is exploding with every question flooding me, it's like a war between two parts of me fighting the reality? fighting the dream? I dont know what Im saying..

I just... lets see... 

I just miss walking.. I miss pda, I miss talking, I miss phone calls, I miss talking, cant wait to talk to one another, rather then feeling obligated to talk, or whatever... 
I read a blurb about how to make a relationship work and one thing it said was communication is key.. and with my friends... my friends of more than 10 yrs I have no problem, but with her.. IDK... IDK why I hold things back, sometimes I think because when I did talk about those problems, or issues, or thoughts it turned into an argument, or disagreement, and we didn't work past it, we just forgot it, or she forgot it? iDK...IDK what to think right now... 

I miss being in a relationship, I miss knowing that I mattered, we mattered, that we wanted to be spend time together, rather then apart, and that this awkward silence or fear goes away, for her it seems to have, but for me.. maybe I've been hurt to much? IDK what the problem is... except that we are where we are, and I've chosen what I've chosen, I dont regret it, because I chose it, but I wish I knew how to make it better, some days we're fantastic and other days...especially after an argument we are where we are,with unknown when we will be moving forward? IDK.....

I wish I knew what was wrong with me... or how to make this work better..because I miss the love, I miss the joy, i miss the happiness.. we all deserve this. 

Tethered to you

 I'm struggling as I always do.. but it's not because I don't believe in our love, our devotion, our commitment, but I'm struggling with knowing the desire, the meaning behind all of this.. 
I have to keep reminding myself that I chose this, i literally went out of my way to choose this, and I made sure to try make it right and in some ways I strongly feel I have made progress.. but there's also this feeling in my gut.... that is terrifying me...
When I jumped back into this I thought that it would be similar to where we were before but it hasn't been, and I'm trying to have some sort of understanding that there are reasons for that, but it's hard... it's hard because I realize now... we went from calling/texting/seeing/ to the extreme sense of it all, to maybe we'll talk today, maybe we'll call today? maybe we'll get the ILY text? 

and on top of that... we only see each other once a week, maybe 2 if we count the 2 half days that we may see one another, and its a huge struggle for me.. because in my mind I think how can we build on our lives together if we aren't even together, how can she be in love with me, or be happy with me if we rarely see one another, we both can say we see people we'd rather not see more times than we see one another. it is beyond difficult, it's a hard reality to be facing.. 
I'm struggling to be ok with the way things are going but it's really hard... it's really painful to feel like what... feel like I'm just another whatever? just another appointment? just another support? we see each other once a week for what... for whatever.

I can count our phone calls back in the day.. we called eachother more then 10 times each in a day, we actually talked, sometimes and sometimes we just had fun.. and I miss that.. I don't like feeling like I'm just another person in her life, when I am or have been willing to give my life, or live or kill for her.. does that make sense? I've made a commitment, I'm working towards a goal... an idea? a future with her? but I don't know if thats the same.. I don't know if it's what we are.. 

I don't know how to have that conversation..because I don't want to fight.. I just want to feel like I matter.. I mean we probably both talk to our friends more than we talk to one another, we probably just.. I feel like IDK what to think about this.. and I have to be understanding that she has a whole life outside of me, and that it is more than me, and it matters to her, but including me in anyway would feel good, would make me feel like we are connected on a level that isn't the same as everyone else in her life? does that make sense? 

I'm struggling... struggling that she is currently calling all the shots, and none of those decisions have anything to do with talking to me, calling me, or seeing me, or anything to do with me.. I don't understand how you build love with someone without those essential moments of WHAT!! I DON"T KNOW! 

I don't want to go to extreme but I'd like to find a balance.. because currently I don't feel ok, I feel like garbage, I feel like I don't matter... 

on top of that.. I feel like my life is falling apart... I am eagerly waiting for anything anywhere to fall apart just so I can do something stupid. but I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to be whatever happiness, but I'm also crying at home, I'm also alone, I'm also struggling with not knowing what' is going on,
I feel super disconnected... much like the rest of the world I'm isolated, secluded etc
But for this it feels like we don't even live in the same city, we literally live nearby, and IDK... I don't want all the bs of a relationship, but at least something something that says this is us? IDK

the struggle is real... and my weak moments are kicking my ass.... I need to know what to do.... because IDK.... 

I'm currently sad... sad that it's totally fine not talking to me all day, all night, the only messages I get are good morning good night, and maybe a random message of ILY, or one more random WYD, but other than that I can count in one hand how many times we talked on the phone, and I can count in two hands how many texts have been sent... 
for someone who matters that much how can they be so little in your daily life? I don't understnad... am I doing this? am i required to make more moves? am I required to demand more? fuck shit is fragile enough as it is, and I dont see any reason to keep up the shit in my head...

Cause there is a balance...and maybe that's what we are working through, maybe I'm supposed to voice that, IDK!!! IDK!!! what to do... I've never been in a relationship where we are trying, aiming for only healthy relationship, healthy connection, so maybe all my ideas are wrong. 

you know the song we heard on our last day before I fucked it all up! it was a lame song that I have a hard time listening to now, because I was not myself but I remember that song, and it's hard to hear it because it brings back that moment... and that moment sucked... I hate everything right now... the struggle sucks....

the happy rollercoaster piece

 I have been thinking a lot about death... as I have had a hard time, and I have to say how awkward it is to find that so many others think about death, not just death but everything down to the detail of death. Some people go through it, some people plan it, and some people hope to be stopped in their tracks.. always looking for a sign to not die. I remember my times back in the day thinking those things..

i don't mean to write about it now or think of it now.. but right now my thought feels like.. I've lived an amazing life up until now... in the sense.. for the first time in my life.. I have accepted being happy, believing it is not possible for this to fade. I have also found a love like no other, a beauty in those beautiful eyes that I cannot see anywhere else.. as well as a son whom I love and want the best for, but i also know that hes loved.. the foundation of his life so far on earth has been surrounded with love. 

Basically I feel like if I died tomorrow I would feel fulfilled in my life.. there's always that idea that I want to travel, I want to live somewhere far away, I want to drive across the country, or do whatever, swim with dolphins? or save turtles. theres lots I think of wanting to do and I hope one day I can, but I also understand those aren't actual things i need to fulfill my life. what i need is a devoted lover, and a good life, and apart from all the chaos I've faced in this past week.. it feels like it is that.

I had some pretty incredible moments today, incredible moments where we laughed, we even captured it on camera. I cannot tell you enough how beautiful those moments were, and how fulfilling it has been with all the ideas of doubts, and fears, I was wrong in everything I thought or believed and Im back to flying, back to greatness.. and i cannot believe how good it feels.. and I want to lavish this happiness into all aspects of my life.. it would be great to figure it out.. but in time I'm sure I'll do that.

I'm exhausted right now... I just needed to write that I am happy, and I am fulfilled, and I'm grateful for the love of my life, and my son, and I'm grateful to be alive. and that I didn't give up as it would have been so easy...

night 

blind faith

 I'm struggling.. struggling still in the sense of why do we follow these ideas of love? I said I wouldn't doubt, I would keep the faith.. but I feel Im being tested. and to be honest I'm failing. I dont understand how you can love someone, live in the same city, work in the same area and never see them, never talk to them, and never want to be a part of their lives.. why do they do this. 

I'm struggling because I don't feel supported enough.. I feel like I've given all of my life, heart and soul and I feel like they arent in it.. I don't know if this is a game, I don't know if they are doing this to cause me pain, or if they really just see this kind of behavior as ok.. because it isn't ok. it hurts really bad. 
I am struggling because I'm not voicing my concerns because I'm told there not legit reasons, that I need to give them time and space, but reality is how much of that do you need to be away from the person you love? that you once considered your friend, your support, and your everything to be no one worth talking too. 
I dont understand how this is ok.. and i don't know how to hold onto something that I feel like is not real.. in the sense that I am fighting, yearning, longing for connection.. I fought for this, I fought for us, and here I am the only one fighting. 

I don't know what to think.. I'm struggling.. I'm struggling with not feeling anything.. an yet feeling everything does that make sense..

they said things are going good..! WHAT THE hell are you talking about! I don't feel ok, I don't feel like we're in this together. I feel like we pretty much nowhere in site to one another. I don't know if this is worth it for you. I don't know if this is what you considered to be ok to treat me this way but I'll you its not.. and if it doesn't change.. I don't know what to do. because I already said I wouldn't walk away, but do you want me to stay as you continue to treat me this way... does it make you feel better to know that your ignoring me and causing me pain. 

then the blind faith.. remembering why this is happening, why this struggle is real, and why it's this way, and maybe it's a coping thing to try get me to go back to where I was, and some parts of me are wanting to run, run far away, but the other is wanting to draw them close like they matter, because they do. 

I'm fuckin hurting though.. I don't get why this is happening, but I'm struggling so hard I can hardly find words, to how much pain I'm being forced into.. or wait not forced..that I'm allowing to enter my life, because I chose this, I let this be my future.. or whatveer. but honestly when we got this it wasn't supposed to be this, it was supposed to something different.. so I don't know what's going on, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to voice it. I don't know what to do, how to do, where to do. I dont know what is it or why... I'm seriously struggling..

I took a stupid survey questionaire... that baasically said I'm a higher risk of self-harm. and that is so true because I feel like being destructive. and I don't know what to do with that. 

Struggle is real

 The struggle is real.. is all I  keep hearing in my head, and knowing full well that I am not equip. I am unable to do more? be more? say the right thing? act the right way? 
I feel beyond hurt and I also feel like garbage... I feel like jumping..not considering, not thinking, I feel like jumping into my coping mechanisms that make these feelings I feel go away..
When you get to a point where nothing...nothing I can say or do can make me stop what I want to do right now... Then someone said something... don't let them win!

and i stopped dead in my tracks..realizing they don't even know but I know and I know they are pulling me down...making me feel less than..I've tried really really hard to not react, to not let myself feel whatever way they were trying to make me feel, I tried to provide support..but I feel like I ain't getting that in return..and then I question EVERYTHING!!!!
WHY is this worth it...... why did we choose this?

It's super hard question to answer...because there was so much going on... so much always going on, and sometimes it helped to grip/grab that support and help within someone else? to matter? and I don't know if I matter anymore... I'm trying to not carry that but honestly looking at the big picture.. I feel like less than... and it hurts... 

Not just with the way things have gone, but a pile up of everything.. I've worked so hard for so long, I've tried so hard, and I've conquered so much but even in that I am still nowhere.. still not moving forward.. I don't know what moving forward will be about. but it hurts to not be desired/needed/ or considered.. it hurts because I have spent most of my life being there for others.. spent most of my life supporting/ guiding, whatever support an help I can be.. and here I am with no one.. no friends to call.. no family.. 

Do you know how hard it is? to feel that way.. 

what's the point? whats the point of moving forward ? whats the point in keep on moving forward? whats the point of feeling like i deserve more than what I'm getting? what's the point in healing my broken pieces when I feel alone? 
I just want to matter... 

and right now I feel like Im the last thing on the face of the earth that matters... if i died maybe people would care, but maybe people would barely notice.. and no one in my life can say they knew anything because I would be gone, and because I'm not close to anyone no one would be able to say "i could have helped her" because I've shut myself off from everyone and I don't currently see the point in being open with anyone.. 
I dont know why I choose this. I don't know what is wrong with me? I don't know how I can let someone have any influence or power in my life? I don't know why I don't do drugs? I don't know why I don't drink? I seriously don't know why I am here.. I thought I knew!

I thought I knew.. but to be on an island just the two of us..... I'm drowning in my brokenness and I'm hurting because she won't let me matter... she won't tell me anything.. and then I wonder why are we even here...why do I even matter........how can I be anyone worthy if you keep me locked out... why do I even bother. 

Im struggling with this..and I want to give up because it hurts my heart and soul so much... I don't know how to get through this moment... and a part of me doesn't want too. 

Many years

 I will take this time.. to honor the man I loved 7 yrs ago... today 7 yrs ago apparently was the last time I seen my uncle, I didn't see him that long, but I knew he had suffered for 10 days straight in the hospital, it was like he held on for the 10 days to give everyone a chance to say goodbye.. I wasn't sure of what was going to happen, I still don't fully know what or how he had died. I just knew the sickness whatever it was, it totally took his life within 10 days. it bothered me.. because just day or two before I had read some BS about positive vibes, I literally talked to my family and said we were gonna breath life into my uncle, by bringing in positive energy, adn yet he still died. 
it sucked real bad.. and it was one of the hardest deaths I had to face as an adult. it was hard because I literally was in school, I was working, and I was trying to balance all that plus travelling to the hospital everyday trying to give him positive vibes. 

I remember this day like it was happening.. and how horrible it felt months after.. and all the drama that followed with planning a funeral, and all the drama regarding funerals, not having a will, or executor. i think it ruined my family, although my family wasn't that close but I never got kicked out of someone's house before this time. 

I do not regret the choices and decisions I made. I will forever stand by my decision to defend my mom. I believe inspite of all things my mom was trying her best to follow my uncle's wishes. regardless turned into bs.. and I can hardly want to describe all the pain I went through, my best friend had to stay with me, because I was ready to end my life, because I couldn't live with the pain without my uncle, and the new pain dealing with a shitty family.. my best friend helped me create some memorial pieces for my uncle. it was so great, but so difficult. 
I also remember his funeral was no regular funeral, he didn't let minister or church stuff, or whatever, it was the first time I seen a native cultural funeral, or whatever. there were so many experiences I had it was so beautiful and such a great way to honor him. 

7 yrs later. I can hardly believe its been this long, I had this plan to go to his grave site today but other things came up, but I also realized I didn't know how to honor him in any other form.. because he was more traditional, and more about our community or whatver.. I hope to go to his grave site to honor him, and all that he did for me.. I remember so much, so much of my teenage years, and young adult years are wrapped around my uncles, they were really like fathers to me, and they supported me, loved me, and believed in me and that I was meant for greatness. 

I didn't get the support I had hoped today.. I guess that's part of life.. and I don't think they knew I wanted or needed that today, maybe if I had voiced it but IDK> maybe I dont know. 

I got some mood swings tonight and I literally almost took it on, I almost reacted and thankfully a random phone call and I got myself back, and I hope that i don't need the phone call next time, but I have to remember what Im dealing with, and what part of me is dealing with these things you know? does that make sense. =my only good thing from tonights experience is Im choosing not to carry on that burden they have to deal with, and iM going to hope for the best, and find a way to support them but Im not going to jump 
it felt good to get to this point..because I almost became a psycho and talking it thro I realized it's not me. its how Im reacting to how someone treating me? does that make sense? my option react or put up the boundary and deal with it tomorrow hopefully. 

KMF>.... hope for a better tomorrow. 

Choose happiness

 I have to write because its been one of those days.. I totally started the day thinking I was somewhat alone, and then I got pulled in every direction and I got to have some fun at work, and got to feel all that I needed to feel. and then something happened.

something that normally happens when I feel "too high" on myself.. I got grounded by simple failures, and reality sets in and I realized how mch less I have.. I started to get lost in my brokenness, and I started to distance, and started to go silent but than for one of the most random times, I decided to spit it out, I decided to tell someone how i felt and it wasnt just a random someone, it was my someone..
and at first I got scared...fears that my feelings were not valid? or feelings that maybe it was my being me? or maybe somehting that was not healthy or whatevr. 

but then she helped me find perspective.. and helped me find myself. and maybe it was barely anything she did but let me vent, let me see where I was doing wrong, and I realized how much more I loved her and love her more deeply.. I just wanted to be with her. I just want wish I could have sat with her talking about it all, but we did it via text. and then at the end I was like I wish you were here. and the next thing I know.. I drove over to visit, and talk, we ended up chillin at the beach, an it was beautiful, I love the city and we literally made it there just as the sun went down, and it was beautiful. I was reminded of all the reason I love her, and reminded of our passion, an beauty. 
I love how she reaches for my hand to hold. i love how she smiles, and how she will be with me.. ugh

I miss having her with me at night, I miss snuggling with her in bed, but Im beyond grateful to have any part of her then just nothing at all. 
I am grateful to be happy.. that we are happy. that we are enjoying one another time, and we are able to be content in that happiness. I hope that she feels happy as well. because I really want or believe that we are worth a lot. 

I have so many ideas. so many plans.. I wish we could live them every day, with greatness. but I feel like for now we're just having a blast, and having fun, and laughing, I love those moments, these are the moments that make me feel fulfilled, and just don't know how I ever lived without her all those times before, and I hope IDK.. maybe was just fun and random, but it was beautiful and precious .

I choose happiness.. I choose life. I choose to keep moving forward. and I choose to want with her into the light. I hope for more days like today, random and all. and it was fun... ugh was it ever fun just to be around one another.. be reminded of why we are who we are together. it makes everything else fall away does that make sense? 

regardless had to write..cause I feel high on life atm

Why Me

 So I finally asked the question of why me.. there has been so much in the last 3 months that we had faced in all the things, moments, break downs, all the darkness, all the downs... but there have been happy moments, moments of pure joy, and pure laughter. there has been love like no other, and recently I shared with her why the love matters to me so dearly.

I wanted to pick out some more jewelry as if there hasn't been enough devotion, or commitment, but this one is different.. this piece or devotion includes my kid. to any mother, or parent, who decides to offer our hearts up to one person, to put our trust, our love, and our commitment into someone, it's a big deal, and all these times before when we were together as a unit, as a family, it was beautiful.
when we started corresponding back and forth about why we would get back together, I was honored to hear her speak my sons name, to know that it's not just me that she loves, but that its two of us. 
so I decided to honor that... I found a ring... a birthstone locked in infinity of hearts. and thats basically what I wanted to say to her, is that we are forever living in her heart, and we are forever here for her.. does that make sense?

but the question remained.. why me.. why after a week did you come back why did we keep finding one another. 

thankfully the answer was pretty simple she still loves me, and didn't feel that we were done. 

then today as I was reading through social media I read something "Destined by fate to keep crossing paths until they finally get it right" Now it can be a bunch of bs... things we read.. but when I think about it the reality is... for the first time in my life i took a very serious leap in faith,... you know to choose her, to let her choose me.. 
that isn't something that can be done in 3 months.. and it's not something I'm willing to give up. 
I also read another thing talking about...

darkness...

I write about darkness.. beast of burdens, I write about the light, and I write about lots of things, but what I realize that her and I share.. is that we find light in our darkness in one another, we are the fire in one another burning in souls, never giving up on one another. 
the quote talked about being able to see the person.. not just the darkness, or the charade of who is underneath it all.

in one another we see one another, we know that we are both warriors, we are both fighters, and we are both yearning to love, and be loved, we are both an equal? to one another. not better than, but desiring to make better... like how Lois Lane is to Clark Kent.. she makes him want/desire to be superman, and she makes him wanna fly. well so the story goes anyway.
I want to see her potential, I want to see her rise from the darkness, and I want to be by her side holding that light in the sky for both of us. 

I believe in us. and I have never stopped believing in us. I have detoured in some areas but not because of her, but because of my own demons, my own darkness.. when I allow those thoughts to consume me rather than voicing my concerns then I get consumed.
If I remain true to myself.. and I speak my thoughts when I need to I hear the answers, I hear her love as she tells me. 
I am grateful to be alive.. I am grateful to have this love of my life. I only want the best for her, and for myself. 

I honor our love with the ring that I purchase. I want to make all the promises in the world, to always be true to her, always be true to myself. but it's hard because I broke those promises in her eyes, and hurt her in ways I cannot fully comprehend. I laid here for a week, crying, dying a little each day, who knows what she went through as I left her.. and I hope to never do that again.
but the ring will not be my love devotion on promises.. as much as I want that to be so, in time I'll be able to give that to her.. for now like i said its my way of honoring who we are as a unit, as a family, as lovers who care for one another, and acknowledge my kid, and all the feelings we have for him. 

IDK if that makes sense.. but I am grateful my why me.. got me the answer I knew all along.. 

I just want light. I just want to love unconditionally without limits, I just want to see her shine brighter than she ever has before. and I just want the happiness we had to prevail any shortcomings I do have in my life, because our happiness is worth everything, and our happiness is also beyond anything I've ever felt in my life.. which means a lot to say.. I guess...

Making the choice each day.. to say I choose you. I honor you, and I will live/die/kill for you. lol cheesy enough... we may be a love forever,  but what we have in this moment is pure love/joy/happiness. and that is what I honor. and care for. If she tried to end us, I will chase her, follow her to the ends of the earth, the depths of the oceans, all the stars in the sky, because again I believe in us, and i believe in fighting for us, because we are truly epic love. .. I still will honor what we have. no Im not saying stalking her of this belief I have, but like me in my dark moments, dark days, I lost perspective, and the break away helped me see that I was being consumed, so maybe if ever we are having a bad day, just need to clear our heads, from the things that are trying to pull us apart. she came back in my life because she believes the same things, she believes in us just as much... IDK being crazy,... crazy in love... hope to never forget because it feels incredible. 

#KMF

Back to one

 The struggle is real.. I have been still in this mindset of feeling like I destroyed someone's life, because I made a bad decision.. or a decision I didn't even know I had made.. I don't know how to keep expressing how painful it is to hear all the things that happened for her that weren't going well, and I feel like it's my fault, but honestly the reality its equal... I said what I said, but her response to what I said kept us apart as well. I'm not trying to be the only one to blame, so much had been wrapped up in that day, that night.. 

Now that we're back, I'm trying to find common ground.. but I'm also feeling like am I supposed to go back to the beginning? where did the texting of morning and night? and made plans to hang out? or we're back to where we were before it all fell apart? because we were happy literally like 4 days earlier. and it was all rainbows and blah blah 
you ever hear that quote? or is there a quote about being happy? or having everything you could ever want, and there aint nothing have to worry about besides losing it? I feel like I got so happy, happier than I could ever feel with anyone.. and then I destroyed it because of insecurities? because of something deep living within me? someone told me it's trauma, someone told me it's BPD. I don't know what to think.. 

except.. once I've tasted happiness. once I've had these memories of love, devotion, commitment, including joy, laughter, pure happiness.. it's all I long for, all I worship and adore. it's all I want to find. does that make sense? to find something? to lose it? and to want to do everything in my power to bring it back

so today.. is our day.. apparently we're going to hang out with the kid and all. I spent yesterday telling her all my tells.... all my surprises.. i didn't want too but I also needed too.. because the surprise I have was about making my promises real again, and about making our love real again, but it came at a cost of needing to know her ring size. so I came clean about what my plan was.. I had found a beautiful ring that I could lock our birthstones into including the kid, and I wanted to buy it for her. I want her to know that we are her family, we are here for her, we love her, and miss her, and she carries us with her. 
and in telling her my secret I missed the fun of it all! you know when you give a gift to someone with something so beautiful, they break down and cry? 
while she said that is what she would have done.. because I was letting her know it's not just me, but the kid as well, because I am not just one person.... when I am loved my kid is loved too. something I didn't know before.. 

regardless she loved it.. and hearing that cheesy stuff made her tear up, makes me wish I would have kept that one secret.. lol But maybe I can make up for it another way.. only time will tell. 

Moving forward... we are moving at snails pace.. when her and I first started seeing one another I had picked out this article that had talked about the 50 most important things you should know about your partner.. so I had asked her majority of these, and some I figured out on my own, but there are still some lame questions left. I've also added more questions, because I'm me.. and I'm not want to leave anything up to chance, I want this to be a beautiful partnership>??  A love like no other.. the reason for this for me is that I don't think I've ever loved this deeply, and intensely as I ever have in my life.. and I want it to be forever, but I also understand it may be just for now.but more than anything I want to honor that you know? 
How often does someone fall in love? go through hell and then find that love again? I'm sure it's talked about a lot in the world, but I don't wanna let go.. I'd rather die before letting go.. 

I miss the laughs.. I miss her smile, and I miss the snuggle. I want to create love.. in beautiful memories, beautiful laughter.. I'm not a funny person, but I can find beautiful things we can find joy in.. I just want to be something other than what we were before.. before we were inside due to cold weather, due to covid, but as the weather gets warmer I'd like to spend some time in the world, showing our love to every person who walks by my little family, because we are together, we are proud and we are here... 

regardless back to one.... means something... makes me again feel like we are back to the beginning I certainly hope this is not the case, I remember.. our first kiss... our first fun night. our first date night, our first ILY, our first night together. UGH so many memories, that cannot be erased by just going back to one, because we already are in love, and I just want to grow in that? grow in the happiness of our love, grow in the happiness of our joy.

so much beauty in the world, but I only see the beauty in her eyes as she looks at me with love. 

SUPER cheesy! but she likes that stuff so I'll keep it up! just have to choose.. make the choice. take the leap.. be happy for the hours we are together, because if I die by the end of it all.. I want the joy and happiness to be all that I am remembered for, not all the trauma, the ideas of BPD, or whatever bs that is lying underneath the surface. I believe we all struggle... but we all can make a choice... to be happy.. to fill one another with happiness. and that is honestly all I want/hope to do when I see her face.. because this has been all worth it. she is worth it, our love conquers all!

demons are taking a vacation for a day. 

Where do we go

 Its hard to come out of what feels like a shitty week and try to figure out where to go from here. I wanna pull out all the stops to ensure that there is reassurance, support, and love, but I also feel like I dont know if it's worth me. 

I have been thinking alot about the person that was me last week, and the moments that led up to that. it was a lot of false beliefs, in someone that I am not, and someone my partner is not. but all the pain from past relationships, all the shit from my life, it makes me the person I am, and although I may be me... I am also the wounded me that was me. 
I keep making plans, wanting to move forward, but I feel like it's not guarantee that its worth it. my plans only go so far, its about speaking, communication, growth, trust. I feel like a part of me has broken that trust.. and that belief in me.. because I hurt.. I wounded.. I did not mean too.. I don't even know what I was thinking.. but I know what's done is done.. and I just wanna move forward..
But like she said... where we go from here

how do we create the new? how do we live in the new relationship of us? I know that I feel that I am trying.. trying by being present, and texting, calling, and doing all this work but I feel like it's not be reciprocated because her head isnt in the right space, there's so much that happened for her that I am unaware of.. and I have to live with that.. but it just feels like I don't know how to help. I don't know how to be here for her when I don't know anything of anything, except that it was bad enough she resorted to certain things.. and that's a result of the pain I caused, but also a choice.. a choice that she made to not reach out, believe me she could have called and I would have flown downtown to be there for her. 
It sucks because we will have to live with those choices and decisions, and I just feel shitty. I feel shitty that I am capable of this stupid shit. my brain is messed in some ways.. and Im working as hard as I can to find help, support.. I don't wanna be the "beast" I don't think I can destroy that part of me but I can manage it, and whatever form managing that part of me is I really want that. 

You know my biggest question is why is it worth it.. why is it worth growing past the pain of us and moving forward.. I'll answer this for myself and for me the reason its worth it is because of the love. because like I wrote... when I first heard her tell someone she loved them, I knew I wanted to be someone she loved.. I wanted to be someone that she wanted to be with, and it's funny cause she did at that time but didn't tell me... 
I remember how much easier it was for us when weren't together, our fun messages, fun chats, and fun flirts.. I miss that.. I miss being able to be open, honest, to be funny.. IDK if I actually was those things, I know we've grown since that 3 months ago, but we are still new again.. still learning again, and it hasn't been fun since it all began.. 
I don't know what either of us are waiting for.. but Im feeling Im feeling something...

I want all in.... but I don't know if that feeling is the same, or if I am truly just crazy. I miss our fun, and i miss our laughter. I miss the beginning story of us.. I miss smiling when I got her messages, I miss the fun.. and I dont know how to bring that back, but I just don't want it to be die hard serious, we've had enough of that.. I just want fun, and good nights, and good days. desire, etx.

right now Im not even sure if I even matter. 
Which is a lie! I matter.. I know I do otherwise I wouldn't be in the place I'm at. but at the same time I feel like IDK.. IDK if she can look at me and see me or see the pain that I caused her. 
I wanna talk to her but I feel like shes preoccupied with everything else in her life.. and so Im stuck.. wondering.. guessing, does it matter... because I dont know.. Im hurt. 

beast of a week

 I'm struggling with realizing that I had a week where I had lost myself, and feel like maybe she did as well. we both were in a bad spot, and she's totally right that it was indeed my fault. 

i'm happy to make plans to try work stuff out, I'll do whatever I need too. I actually had said I had already been in the works of plans, It was true, but finding the paperwork to back that up will be a work in progress. I had these ideas of things written from books I read, and ways to find time for one another. I love her, and will do anything. 

I feel like I cannot stop looking back at what happened and realizing I went too far from the site of the world, I honestly feel like I was someone completely different, like that I just wasn't myself, and realizing that now maybe who knows who really knows! My only thought is I don't like the person I was, and I don't want to be that person at all. 
I know that I have stuff to work out, and I honestly can't help but look back at that time, and just feel like I was blacked out, wasnt myself.. 

I absolutely loved today because we got to go for a walk, and I wanted to say so much, I wanted to apologize so much, I wanted to devote myself to her so much, but where to begin you know.. I just loved being in her presence, and just remembering the good times, we are adding to those times by walking, and talking, and working stuff out. 
I just hope I get the help I need as time continues on, as I am working towards that, as it is all I have left.. because I just don't want to be whomever that person was. it sucks.. it honestly makes me think of the movie "split" about how many personalities were in one person, thats how I feel about who I was at that time, and I realize and hoped she'd realize it wasn't me.. 
I just have to prove that to her by living my life day by day, and not letting her down, or letting her doubt my mad love for her. 

I honestly would say it was my "beast" as I had opened a door to my life and I believe that was what it was that made me who that person was... very few people know that person, but it lives deep within in me, and if I calculate everything that led up to that conversation I feel like it was the beast of me, that had seeped through and tried to destroy every good thing in my life, or made me believe that I didn't deserve the love that I had.. 
I wish I could say that part of me is gone forever, but to be honest.. it's part of who I am..without that downfall back in the day I'd never be who I am now, I never would have wanted to make the right changes in my life to be who I am.

I like that show that said :

There are no mistakes, only lessons that make us who we are

there is so much pain in my past, so much destruction, and hurt and pain. but in those times I learned to become who I am.. and through those mistakes it helped me hit my rock bottom and forced me to make change, and not that changing was easy, but it was necessary, and without those mistakes I would likely not be here today.. 

anyway I'm rambling.. 

I just know that this relationship is not a mistake. it has been the greatest feeling I've ever had, felt, touched, experienced, smelled, loved, etc it has been the best love that isn't found in any fairy tale, and I just want to hold onto it and never let it go, but honor it, cherish it, guard it, and love it back. 
rarely do we ever find a love like this, it's a once in life time love, and I hope that I can not screw it up.

regardless I just feel this and I feel so much going on in trying to make us better, make life worth living, and she truly makes my life worth living..
in the days ahead my struggle is real, as I am going through remembering my uncle and days that led up to his death.. I'm in a weird funk with that.. 
also my friend had recently died..

I wish I could honor her in a better way, or that our job would honor her.. But that's life.. and I wasn't as close of a friend as I'd like.. but what we had when we were friends was beautiful, raw and real.. we were the best of friends, and had some of the best laughs, and best real talks I've ever had with anyone. when I heard she died.. I broke down in tears.... I couldn't believe I didnt know her that well at the end, alls I know is she was a warrior, and she was my friend that I love and honor.. after I cried, I spoke to the world.. like speaking out loud to say goodbye.. and next thing I knew an eagle was soaring in the sky, and I feel like that was her saying goodbye to me as well.. and it made me wish her the best of luck on her new journey without the pain, and whatever else that may have been going on for her in the end.. 

it's been a lot of stuff going on... and I am trying to stay positive, because I am not alone in all of this, I have a world of people who feel what I feel, and we band together for support.. except the stuff about my uncles.. that stuff I have my cousin, as I am not close with anyone on the family side, and I will remain that way with everything that had happened.. I honestly feel free from the burdens they bestowed on me while I was there.. so it's good and bad, because I lose all connection to my roots so i feel.. as I go about trying to change my name so that I can severe those ties, and not carry on their name because I do not want to be known by the things that happened there.. on either side of my family, IDK> 

rambling!! lots going on in my head.. usually happens....

probably why Im not sleeping as much.. 

much love....KMF 

Real deal

 I feel like I am going to be spending my time contemplating whether I can be the real deal, I realize that there are different parts of everyone, but I still feel like there's a part of me that is completely terrified of being in love.. I think it's normal, but choosing to accept that love that we had.. It was the best moments I've had in my life, and to be loved back what more can I ask for other than forever.

I know it feels like infidelity.. not that I ever would cheat.. but that fact that I lied.. or that she believes I lied.. I totally read my text differently then her, so I don't get why she thought I was trying to end the relationship, or that there is such a hurt there about her believing I had given up on her.. when I never have and never will... just as I'd say my faith in her will be forever, and we needed that time away because I was becoming someone I didn't recognize, and that time apart hurt like hell but it showed me that I have a whole part of me that is completely crazy, and broken.. I'm sure we all do but I didn't know the extent of that until now..
and I feel like no matter what I do... where we go from here, she will always remember the pain I caused her, and whatever the results on her end were regarding the pain I caused her.. I wish I could swear and promise to never do that, but she said I already broke my promise to not do a bunch of things and did it

I totally seen things differently then she did, and we were totally not on the same ground. I really can't erase that pain, and I can't justify it because like i said we were on different grounds, but what I can do is give the reassurance that she needs, and to work towards that trust, love and devotion.. 

I am thinking of plans.. making plans to make us work on things, recently I seen a goals list a friend of mine had made, and how she had checked shit off as she went along.. I've never really been about goals, an plans.. I like the play it as it goes, but it's proven me wrong enough times, that it's time to change that.. when it comes to making plans, making time for her, making time to talk, making time to connect, making time to walk, or do something that is for us, and making time for the kid.. because he is a huge part of my life, and she is also the other part of that, and we as a almost family will need to implement that in our lives, because I don't want to stay inside, the weather is warming up, and I want to be able to show her off to the world.. 

I remember back in December just as we had barely begun.. we were in a holiday store.. and I was at the check out counter next in line, and my kid was in the shopping cart yapping about whatever, and she came up behind me and put her arm around me and kissed me.. and when I looked around all these psycho people and their judgment eyes were on us.. and I thought that was bs.. and I wasn't sure if she had noticed, I've grown up being seen in whatever environments.
regardless I want our love, and happiness to definitely turn heads, and make people look at us.. Because this is the most beautiful love I've ever experienced.. I would give everything I have just to see her now. 

I've come from a lot of brokenness.. I think most people have.. but for me in a way I feel like I've been in a place where love, and communication were absolutely nowhere to be found, always having to guess, or wonder if my parents cared, or coming in and out of foster homes, and group homes, and the abuse
regardless by the time I learned of love... the purest of love.. it was the love of God that found me, that saved me, that gave me life like no other. 

I'll never want to deny that love.. believe me it shaped a lot of my emotions and a lot of my upbringing of learning of love.

but the love I have now.. is deep.., the love I have now with this person is so beautiful, I watched a show recently that said love is like an addiction.. and I feel like that.. because it's so pure, so beautiful, so precious, that I just got to have it, and I got to keep it, and I've got to put all my heart and soul on the table and fight to keep it, and that includes fighting myself, because sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't see me, I see a verison of me that I do not recognize

I can't express it enough.. how great it feels just to be loved back.. I think I've probably been loved back maybe 2x, and both times it wasn't wholeheartedly because it was not the right time..
Lets not forget my lady, that love was pure, that love was devoted, that love was out of the world perfect, I cannot express how amazing it felt to be loved by her, and to love her, and to hug her, and to be with her, I'll never forget her.. but that's a different love. lol 

I like the real deal, I like that I am where I am, and that she is sort of forgiving me, and letting me back in, and I just wish honestly that I didn't make her feel what she felt.. I don't know how to get over that, how to let me forgive myself for making her believe that I gave up on her, or that I am someone who breaks promises, because that IS NOT who I am.. that was me being weak, lost, and confused, and I didn't realize she read it the way she did, just as much as I didn't think she was all messed up on medication from being in hospital.. I didn't even think of that, and i didn't even back down.
someone gave me advice and said dont let my ego and pride get in the way, and from the conversation of that break up, they said that was me bringing in my ego and pride and trying to be something I clearly am not.. 

for what feels like the 2nd time in my entire life.. I am willing to give up the one thing that matters to me, and as a human, as a person, as a person who has worked really hard at my small possessions, for me to be willing to let go of the thing that matters to me this much, just so that she knows that she matters to me that much, that I completely trust her, and am devoted to her, and that I will not doubt her, that is basically what I am trying to say by willing to give up the one thing that matters to me.. and yes its a material thing, but we live in a world where right now those matter, if I died people would care about this material thing lol.. which actually if I died.. I had written that all my possessions be destroyed, all my material items be burned, melted, completely gone. because if I'm dead I aint missing that shit, and I don't want my family and friends to grieve of me by having my most prized shit, and fighting about who gets it. lol 

anyway for me to tell my love that I am willing as a living human who has to wait to see her, to hold her, to kiss her, I am willing to give her my most prized material item, is me saying I trust, love, and devoted to her, in ways that I have rarely been before, as no one has held this item in that regard to me, and I am willing to do that because I want this to be my forever. 

that is all!!! KMF 

moment of forgiveness

 For the first time in a week I finally heard from the person I've been talking about.. and I just wanted to rush over, grovel at their feet and beg for forgiveness. I hate that I am now someone who has hurt someone that i love this much.. today I read a quote from Budda "If you truly love yourself, you could never hurt another" 
So clearly my words are!!! I truly do not love myself "YET" but it's something I'm going to work on, adn to learn more about positive vibes, shit to bring into the universe that is good!

I cannot say it enough how hard truth is.. how hard it was to hear the depth of the pain I caused the person I love... I feel like dropping dead right here and now because that is not who I want to be!! and I realized something.. its been a while since I've been "in love" with anyone so it's been awhile.. and the other part of that is that we sometimes bring our old relationships into the new ones, or the baggage of that.. and my last "in love" relationship was a complete diseaster in every possible way, and I never recovered from that, and I cannot express that enough, but I realize that the relationship damaged me.. 
Maybe we are all damaged, but this was different.. it was lies, deception, abuse, and lots of forms hate, and pain, and fear, and everything that I've never experienced before that.. and so I realize I was being or becoming that person that I don't need to be!

Because the person that I love now! Loves me back! she has devoted herself to me in every way, there is no room for fear, no room for pain, no room for the doubts I have because this is what love is.. and the urban dictionary of Love. Love is putting someone else's needs before their own, Love makes us want to become a better person"
I want love.. I desire love.. I have never loved as deeply as I do now, and I've never been loved as precious as I am now.. 

I don't want to be someone who screws this up as I already have done.. and I have to be willing to push past my own past, my own insecurities, and to trust, and I feel like I do trust.. as I said.. because of what happened on our last day of our love, and that is hard for me to admit.. 
but that same day... I fucked it all up out of fear...? I don't really know why I screwed it all up.. I don't know why I said what I did, I don't really feel like it was me? does that make sense? can I plead temporary insanity?

because my actions and words were not me.. I am a far better person that whomever that person was, and I don't want to become that person, and that is not the person my love loves.. 
so I just feel like I'm being hopefully given a second chance, and I cannot wait to get started.. not that I know what that means, or how to restart.. it's like getting my heart restarted...it's going to take us time to get back in the reality of our love, and I just wanna jump right back, I want them here, I want them now, I want them with me... I want to see her face, and talk to her, and be here in her presence.. and the everything, but I have to be slow..
So in being slow.. I'm guessing maybe I have to ask her out again? Do I have to try get her to go out with me again? I don't really know.. so I asked tonight had no answer because it's super late...

but I just want it to be better.. I don't want to be me.. the me that was the psycho.. I want the me that is now, and I want to know how to keep this me that I am.. does that make sense? the clear minded me, that is totally devoted and wanting to make positive changes for the better of us? 
I just don't know how to begin that besides to ask her out on a date, and put some bs moves on lmfao. not that I did that well the first time ahahha

I just want it to be worth while.. I want it to be the best type of love, the best chapter of both our lives, I dont want to put unrealistic expectations on us, but I don't want us going at a snails pace, because we've already been to the extent of pure insanity, and still survived, (BARELY) but I just want to be make sure it's this... this is my love.

I hate the person I was, I hate that I hurt beyond what I normally want to hurt, an I can't erase that hurt, and I said that alls I can do is mend those broken pieces, and hope that they will let me back in her heart, and let me back in her life, and let me be her support.. I hate being called a liar, and I hate that she thinks I gave up.. I didn't give up!!! I've been here the entire time, she just couldn't see me, feel me, or hear me, and it doesn't mean I gave up, she just didn't know I was still here, and I wish I made better choices to fight for her than waiting.. because I feel like I could have done something better, or sooner to help her through stuff? I dont know.

the best part is that I don't even get to see her right away, I so want too! I so want too.... I so NEED too, but I can't... I just hope that we make it through this, it felt so good just to hear her tell me that love was still here, it felt good to feel that just for a minute, to jumpstart my heart and make me feel so good. I want that, need that, desire that! I want it all.. and I hope she does as well! because we can go places without a doubt, I am willing, and wanting to go places .. I hope she can forgive me, and help me mend her brokenness, and forget that she ever called me a liar, or that I ever gave up or walked away! I didn't.. even if she says I did.. I've been here..just not here.. you know? I dont know

just let her answer be yes 

nevermind.. she already answered.. we're back!!!!!

Learn from my own stupidity, and grow from it, and heal the brokenness, and fuckin enjoy the best moments we can have and hope that we can be epic!!! BECAUSE our love is EPIC!!! I cannot expresss enough how good it felt, and how beautiful it was, and is! and I cannot wait to have her back in my arms! I cannot wait to get the help I need, to be better for her, and for us!

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Tiny glimpse of love

 I have been struggling with why its so important to me again why i can't just say fuck it and walk away, and I guess my answer is that the love hasn't died, we are still where we were.. and maybe we aren't meant to be forever, as I say, maybe it's a love for now.. but i've been thinking about that...

A love so beautiful, so deep that it feels real, that it feels pure, that it feels deeper then any love that ever came before it, and then I realized it... it is a love that is real, it is a love that is worth fighting for, but if anyone ever has seen "smallville" we know that Lois Lane is always the person for superman, but in his younger years it was all about Lana Lang, and maybe that's our love... 
we aren't ready to see the "Lois Lane" love, but we both have a deep love, that is hard to give up, that endures through so much already, that has been with us even when we are apart... her main words back then was that she knew this wasn't the true happiness? I don't exactly know what that means but basically that she thought yes she makes me happy, but that it isn't enough?

so really... then...really it could be the Lana Lang love.. this love is ongoing forever and always, but its also the deceptive love, if you can understand that.. we do love, we do cherish, we do honor, and we do care for one another more deeply than any other before, but that maybe it's love that endures, and that is forever, but forever apart.. which is hard to say.. I don't want it to be that, but I realize now that maybe I did this... I caused enough pain and enough doubt that its hard to see any other.. 

I know this love is epic.. I know it is something I've never felt before and I don't know if anyone can understand that.. but it opened me up in a way that no one has ever seen, no one has ever seen this of me, and accepted me... to truly look at me in all my faults, and still say I love you uncondtionally. I am sure this love exists, and this was or is the love I have.

just as much as my words hold true.. that I'll never give up on her, or this love.. I'll forever no matter close or distant I'll forever want to be the guiding light, to just be able to be the beacon of light for that chapter in her life. that will be enough... however rightnow I realize with sadness.. that I am not that...
I cannot express enough how hard it is to know that i caused this much pain to someone I love, and I realize this is my pattern of stupidity that I want to change. 
I don't know all the roads to recovery, I don't know how to become someone I am not sure of, but what I am sure of is the love that conquers all, the love that endures in these times..

I will forever be grateful.. 
I mean with the first person I ever loved... I wish so much that they loved me back, and maybe in some way they did but it wasn't pure, they had their own addiction, their own struggle they had to work through and they were not ready to let me be someone in their life.. and I feel like maybe it wasn't love for them as it was for me... 

regardless this love is different... I cannot explain it enough,, how hard it is to explain.. to be able to love someone, to be able to see them in their forms of every piece, almost every piece and accept them,and I showed myself in ways that I've never done before...
has anyone seen Lucifer? remember how much he tried to hide his true self from his lover>?? remember when he did finally reveal himself? it was dark, it was hardcore dark, but she accepted him..

and that's what i feel like... I showed myself... showed some of my true self, and I was loved, and I was accepted still!!! and even then I fuckin fucked it up out of fear... fear of everything, because I had never never ever been somewhere that deep and still come out alive, and I got scared and than I messed it up.. and so now i know... now i know just a glimpse of what it's like to love, and be loved.. and I want it like a drug, because in our best moments it changed my life, it was the best thing that I could ever feel.. but I may not have it again... I may have messed it all up.. but I'll always have faith,..

I'll have faith that I'll find that love, and her love again and that with time passing I can work on myself and heal myself, that the universe will send her back to me.. 
If that not the case.. it was the greatest experience of love that I NEVER want to forget because it was a game changer, it set the bar higher then ever, and I want the real deal, I want the love the endures, and the love that is forever... 

KMF

struggle

I was all happy a bit earlier... I have won the case that my family tried to say I was unfit in some way. It was super difficult position to be put into. But in some ways it makes sense.  

I wanted so badly to call the person I love but we aren't together any longer. An its beyond difficult for me. It's worse off that it was me that ended it without actually wanting to do that. 

But hearing they had been done with me... well it made me realize my feelings were valid... I truly was being left behind as I wrote about so often.

The situation regarding that investigation was shitty an my ex partner stood by me. Supported me. And was willing to go to bat with me. The love we have is no comparison. 

An I thought about that... so I have loved...an lost. But I have not been loved back with the extent of love I was given until now. An I think for me that's what the hardest part of letting go is all about...

Knowing that I gripped love. I had it within my arms an it slipped away..  I had plans. I had desires. I had hopes. I made plans. I made lots of plans for us to grow. For us to love. For us to live. For us to move forward. I even had plans to get help myself. So that I could be stronger person because I didn't realize how weak I was. Alright not that I was weak but that my faults an the shortcomings about myself were legit real an I had to really work on it. 

It's all did an done.... there will likely as they said be others.. but no one can replace. No one can compare. I cannot even express enough how my heart is barely beating. How stupidly fragile I am. I hear a song. I see hrr face. I hear her voice and breaks my heart. I get reminded in any way of anything an everything we had shared an I fall apart.

I dont know if that's true for them I don't know. But at the same time.....

I'm not willing to trade any of our love for anything. I'll still rather be in that love then alone. I still rather know them an be with them then to have never felt it before. 

I want it. I got to have it. But I know that's not enough. An the hardest is being the only one who is being affected by it all... it's hard to know that. An I'm the idiot who keeps trying an has already lost the battle.

Reminds me of end game...when cap is all that is left standing but no matter how painful his arm or armor was damaged or hurt. He couldn't help but keep fighting. An I feel like that. No matter how damaged I feel about the person ignoring me. Or just not even caring. I still feel the love I still feel us as real an solid. Like we can climb any mountain we can cross any ocean (I'll carry you) an we can do anything if we stuck together. I just needed my reality check and believe me I got it. An I haven't worked this hard at finding supports of my own than ever before. 

I wish....only love.....love to win. Love to conquer. Love to be all that there is. Because I'll never feel hate. I'll never feel revenge. I'll never feel any negative emotion. No matter what they say or do. No matter they meet or met someone new.. 

I am who I am. An I love deeply with all of my heart an there are only 2 other people I ever loved in this way an they never loved me back.... so this person loving me back makes all this worth fighting for.

Until my last breath I'll never stop dreaming. I'll never lose hope that you'll find your way back to me. 

I have no where else I'd rather be... an I'll spend my life proving to you that you're the only one I need. 

Once again me...being me... can't sleep. Can't eat. Can't live because you have a hold on me. I can't break free nor do I want too. As our love was the greatest almost love story either one of us could have 

......