mine

I cannot say it enough.... My life coming to nine years.... Of my life caring for this child. Loving him, providing for him, giving him a life more beautiful ever imagine. 

What i wonder. So you know how a mother and child always have this bond. This connection. Is it possible to grow this connection even though i am not his biological mother. But in the definition of mother. I am all things. I love this kid with every part of me. I have ensured no matter what happens day i die. Or even as i get sick. Or incapable of caring for him. Ive guaranteed supports from friends. From family. I have written a will. And ensured my benefits cover all things. 

To be honest. I hardly remember what my life was like before being this. Apart from that time i died. I have never been away from my child for a night. Even when i try to take a break go to a movie or go out for dinner. My mind is always thinking about him 

When reality is. Where was i. Who was i. How can anyone say I stole this kid or went out of my way to get him. Reality remains for me. I did this for short term i knew his bio mom needed a break. She needed to be a child. She was a new mom her baby daddy as usual abandoned her. So she fell apart. I knew this was meant to be short term and instead.   Here i am

Almost nine years later. 

I hope. I pray she comes back. I know that she is struggling. I know she is lost. But I will always do what i can to support her when she gets her shit together. I dont know how to explain it to my boy. Of all this chaos.

But what everyone has told me. When it comes to light. I hope my child sees that the life i have given him 

No greater life he could have had. 

I have spoiled my child. But i also have ensured he knows that we dont celebrate holidays. He knows we dont sell our body parts for money (tooth fairy), we do bury our teeth return ourselves to the land. We acknowledge our heritage. I told him recently my hope he will fulfill one thing to be a grass dancer

I know that was one thing his bio mom wants. I hope to find a way to fulfill this. as well as learn our roots. And try get indian name given to him. One day in the future. These are my hopes 

I know there are a lot of barriers. A lot of shady things in the world. A lot of racism. A lot of darkness. But i hope. I hope i fill him with strength. With empowerment. Please let me do right by this kid. 

I just needed to say that. I have high hopes for my boy. I know he is breaking the cycle. I know he has more then i ever had.

stay

Its rare. That i get sick. Its even more reality comes in. I realized how isolated and alone i truly am. It took approx five days for anyone to check on me. And only did cause i terrified myself in isolation. I was scared. What if i got so sick i all of sudden died. Who would know. 

Ive spent so much time detached from everyone not ever really connected. 

It is all too true....

Technology has consumed us all. 

Back in the day. We'd go over to friends. We'd physically be there to help.

And we'd feel connection. I'd feel had a friend.

When I finally told someone the terror I felt... Maybe it was a dream. But to feel so alone. So scared. It was weird

So i reached out. To family and trusted friends. But when i reached out to family. To people I've supported above and beyond. Like enabling. Helping. The extent and amount. And to realize

When in my desperate time of need they were nowhere to be found.

Maybe i realize now that i have to set boundaries. I have to force myself to step away. Take care of my kid. 

It just is what is. Idk what is wrong with me. How i feel. How i react. How even when i say no even if no is right the guilt they make me feel. It makes me mad. 

I would like to be free. 

But i also wished to have someone. You know. Someone to be there to know if they didn't hear from me in a day. Then maybe check on me. Idk

Does it make you think. 

How can we continue to survive on technology. And be so disconnected. 

We need to unplug. We need to reconnect. We deserve to see the world. Laugh with friends. Find moments that take your breath away. Or hold onto. What you have. If you already. 

Keep moving forward

I hope to return soon. As its been quiet as ive been home with some illness... Waiting to heal

Hope to do get help 

happy bday

I bought a birthday card I thought it was for my lady but I realize now it's for the memory of the lady. We're in different spots now. Almost like a parallel universe saying knowing and feeling the love that we had but never being able to have it again. It's not a love that is love love but a soul love. 

Today is my dad's birthday and I have no idea how he celebrated it I have no idea who he was if my memory of him is real but I'll always be grateful for him because of him I choose not to do drugs. 

It's my first time being off work with no purpose and I have no idea how to survive everyday I'm all alone no friends no family no responsibilities just surviving. 

It is lonely but it's refreshing to not have to come up with all the answers every day to be able to just relax. 

Miss my lady more than anything in the world but I am grateful that she is where she is and I am where I am. I know more and more and more this is why I'm here. To just survive.

Thrive. Keep moving forward.

I wish an hope for so much. But im grateful to have some memories. 

in my will

It took awhile... But i finally wrote out my will. I have to say how strange it feels to think of life after im dead.i also wanted to ensure my child was taken care of. But to be honest what i did not get to write. Is if Im still alive or on life support

I asked my trusted friends to acknowledge that i dont want life saving measures. I struggled a lot with my uncles deaths. These men were my pillars in life. And yet the struggles they carried.

So much on my mind. And i wish... I once had people i could call on. Chat with.