I think I've tried for so long to avoid what's in my heart and soul the yearning and desire to say what's at the tip of my tongue.... pounding on my chest and I have avoided it... you'll be proud I avoided it in lazy ways rather than drinking or drugs...
there are so many relationships (friendships, and otherwise) that I have had in my life.. so many people I've had to let go and so many people I lost track of.
The two are only two... only two people in this entire world that I loved beyond all things, two people that i would give the world too.
one lives in Ontario and I had known him... for a short period of time.. the bond I had with him was unbreakable, I can't even describe to you how amazing it was... to feel his hand in mine, to look into his eyes and feel love and acceptance. I miss him so much and I hate that he was right... the last time I seen him... we had breakfast together by the greyhound bus station... I was leaving for the holidays to visit friends.. he was late in meeting me.. I thought he abandoned me.. but really my favourite was he said it was too hard for him to say goodbye, because he had a dream that we would never see each other again. we had breakfast... I think it was french toast, he even put salt on it.. which was weird to me. I left... I promised him I would be back, I talked to him every night that I could... but it was true.. I flew back to Vancouver after my visit and all the world came crashing down on me.. I packed up my life in Ontario and moved back to BC. I tried for months to get him to come to the city, I even offered to pay his ticket and everything. but he couldn't come... he had a son in Ontario and he wasn't in the best state of his time there..
after that we lost touch.. I never heard from him.. I email him from time to time but the email is disconnected... my heart and soul is scarred from this experience because I loved him. I wanted him to be here with me. but I couldn't go back... if anyone knew or knows why I came back to the city you'd understand I sacrificed my love for my family. I defended and protected them and it came at a cost for me.. the cost of a great love, the love of my life.... I don't know where he is or what he's doing but I can only hope he is ok.. that he's alive and happy. I only started thinking of him recently because the next person... is someone I could an will love forever, and she is in Ontario.
I have had her on my heart forever... and I've avoided messaging her, avoided even anything. but everyday I drive by where we used to hang out, I remember the times of our lives... the heartache we went through to become stronger, the weaknesses in each of us.. the struggle we each had, and how we were there for one another, well she was there for me more than I could have ever been there for her.
the light in the darkness she was to me... she was the reason to live.. she knew me beyond all things. she knew why I was doing everything, because I poured my heart and soul out to her... it explained everything, it explained all these silly scars, and it explained my heartbreak.
she became my pillar, she became my lady, my queen. no one in the world will ever compare to her.
I hold her in the utmost respect and most deepest part of my being, because she matters to me forever. and although she's thousands of miles away, nothing can break my love for her.
I thought about it for awhile, and the thing was... we knew each other in chaos... both living shitty lives and making poor senseless decisions that definitely effected us forever, but then we got out... we broke free from the chains of addiction, broke free from suicide, found purpose and reason for living. my reason who knows... for the time I knew her it was to be with her, to be near her, because she gave me purpose in the most dysfunctional way. I mean I was obsessed I could not get enough... I obviously grew out of that.. but you see my picture.
regardless when I found out she was leaving... alls I wanted to do was follow... she was going to my province, my true home.. and I thought that was my opportunity to return there and I tried to get my work to send me there too... but it didn't work..
I had to say goodbye to her... and although we have tattoos, and I have more tattoos for her... we are changed... we are grown. and we are not who we were. but my heart still feels love for her and that will never change.. even if i never speak to her again, if I never hug her again.. my heart will always feel love and respect for her. for what she did for me, and what she did for herself, and how she was an example of letting go of toxic people, and toxic addictions.
I miss you Robyn... I miss you everyday and I love you.. I know you are living your life, and I'm living in my parenthood life... but it doesn't excuse the fact that you were a huge part of my life, a huge part of my success, you loved me when I thought I wasn't loveable, you stood by me when everyone left me, and you had faith in me that I could be more.
I am who I am because you loved me. and I will never forget you...
I just wanted to tell the world today that I love you. and I miss you Robyn. I want you to know Sean that I'll never forget you and that I hope your living a beautiful healthy life. I hope we meet again!
