Tuesday, June 28, 2016

New future

I didn't get to see the last time I posted on this blog.. I honestly don't think a lot of people have a lot to wanna hear about my life..
It's been a rollercoaster.. I'm completely lost that it's been 9 yrs since I moved back to BC... it's been 7 yrs since my life nearly ended, 7 yrs I thought was my longest friendship.. and than I realized the amazing friends in Ontario, have been my friends for 9 yrs and longer.. I'm very lucky and grateful.
I wish I could talk about whats happened.. in 7 yrs... it's still too much for me, but I must say above all things it still brings shame to my heart and soul knowing how foolish I was, how broken I was 7 yrs ago..
but to look in the mirror now.. I can't believe I made it! I can't believe I fit in the percentage of First Nation successful youth.. I expected it all to end at 18...
There are some definite hard realities to face that I can hardly talk about, the only description I can share is knowing full well that my life was damaged as a kid, as a teenager.. having every good thing sucked outta me, and to be ripped to pieces.. to the point of want it all to end and making a full proof (so I thought) plan to end it all.
Thank you to Betty, and Lindsay for believing in me! maybe it was God! maybe it was really a higher power! but for them to have influenced me so much that I moved across the country to get away from my demons and that promise to end my life.. I'm grateful
There isn't day that goes by... but I'm human and as such.. I regret living... I regret everything I've done since i was 18. If I hadn't moved away, if I had just been gone.. maybe all this turmoil wouldn't have happened, maybe my family and friends could've been better off? you know? it's a tough one.. I can't say what would've or could've been.
I'm supposed to be happy about my current life.. I spoke with my most trusted friend.. I told her.. how I blame myself for whats happened in my family.. and how if I hadn't been alive how they could've survived without me..
She thinks I'm crazy.. but the court of law has proof! I believe its 11 pages of proof that the damage done in my family..is the doing of me..

It's hard to get past..Maybe because of that past.. of not being able to forgive myself maybe that's why I ran away from believing in God, or the higher power.. because I couldn't accept his forgiveness because I can't forgive myself.

I have very little guidance from anyone these days... like any human we struggle everyday, and we each struggle with our own demons, our own what ifs, could haves.. it's often hard to come together and celebrate our friendship, celebrate what we have now.. because we focus so much on the past or future.. we don't see the present...
in 7 yrs.. I almost died, I survived, and from that survival I found Robyn my BFF, with that survival I found my job.. that I've had for nearly 6 yrs. that I am now the boss of... lol not CEO more like management. and with that management.. I see things a bit more clearer, and i also see that this job has my soul.. when people die.. I definitely feel that, an I like to try and honour them..
in 5 yrs.. I have gone through only one relationship, several dates, and several desires...

I currently feel like I've accomplished none of my goals.. but... I have about 10 yrs left in my life.. to accomplish flying to Germany to see my Schmetterling, and fly to New Orleans..

For now I'll focus on getting my Van fixed, and finding a new place to live..

Never lose hope... the light shines in the utmost darkness, I know because I've seen it, felt it's warmth!
Keep Moving Forward
Much Love