Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Long Term

The future holds many opportunities...Many things that can be good, bad and ugly..

I have finally got myself back in gear with my life... At this very moment I am surrounded by a truly amazing lady, my lady... I cherish her, and treasure her beyond what words could ever be explained... I honestly love that she knows me more than anyone ever could, a depth of a friendship that after all the trauma of the last year of my life, to have her stand by me now... and forever...

I was working for a few days and finally got the perspective I needed about a work site and how great it was... No drinking and no drugs which I have needed for so long, I remember my work last year or so how difficult it was and how much it hurt... How much I hate remembering those things but now a new beginning right here..Even if I dont work there now the idea that a work site exists so greatly and perfectly was awesome...

Other than that I'm in a program now to gain some new skills... To figure out the future and do things like get my life together, and get a job that is actually worth doing... I cannot wait because I really want something to work out for me...It's been forever since I got a job and was able to enjoy my work, enjoy making money..

My relationship has stood strong even in the brokenness that exists now it will be ok because I believe as I did before this is truly greatness. I know and believe as I did all this time that this is love a little conditional but still limitless in the aspect that love is always there and it is love that carries us through the dark moments, and love that brings us through this...

I have believed so strongly that greatness can be created in my life... I have no doubt and no denying the greatness that surrounds me now, I still have the same fears I did before...With greatness comes tragedy and this is something I still have to work through, I sense and realize the person I am letting myself become is the scared 10yr old who is afraid of happiness...and for that I am beginning to find ways to disrupt my future..What will it take to get through this? to get past these things.... I dont know how to not self-sabotage... so I will have to find the self-knowledge to carry myself through these fears and get back to the person I am meant to be and that is a great leader.

Well I hope that things work out the way my head has planned for it, and that my thoughts don't become my reality...

Well I better go Im enjoying time with my lady!!


Saturday, November 20, 2010


Its been a long time since I have been on a computer or even away from my love...

So much has happened in the last 12hrs that has got me going crazy with fear, frustration, hurt even if it can be possible... I'm beyond confused and I feel like I'm walking into a trap you know? I'm going to be facing something I have never done before, the approval of someone who means a great deal to my love...

In the last 12hrs I have cried my eyes out, and been working for two days now...and even though I wasn't all there I still went to work because there was nothing left to do... I have been at my moms now for a day an night and all's I want to do is go home but there is so much fear in it you know? How do we or I undo everything that's been done? how do I make this time perfect?

I have to find my way before the time is up and I see my life flashing before my eyes? is it a good thing? is it a bad thing? how will i truly look if I walked back into that place?

So lost and I can't even write anymore because my skills and desire for writing has vanished... I have done so many things that aren't like me...that I'm not sure how to survive anymore but I'm doing what I can to stay afloat..


Thursday, July 29, 2010


With a heavy heart I write these words as the deepest of words I could ever write... This is one of those times that people that love me would say the words that have been lingering within them "I told you so" these words would be of no comfort to me....
I have fought for a week about my situation to try get there and try my best to fight to stay alive, fought to get things together for myself and find a way through this moment that I am struggling with now.... I have allowed myself to be consumed literally consumed in something that has become destructive to me....

With a shaking hand, and a quivering lip I write these words as tears roll down my eyes... How could I put myself in this situation? Is this really happening to me??? Of all people this is me!

Jessie the same Jessie who has fought for over a year now to stay alive, to fight for my heart's desire... The same Jessie that finished College, the same Jessie that has been here... fully hearted Jessie here now writing these words.

I have believed in life... I have believed in it enough that suicide is no longer an option, that I will fight until the death and even then my heart still be beating after all of is over because I will never lose faith in the ability of others to make it through all they are trying... It has been my desire as I walked the Downtown Eastside today I seen myself...All in blue walking those streets giving a nod to each person I walked by, an one day stopping and saying hi my name is Jessie I work for..... oh ya you know... I understand your situation and I'm here to tell you that I believe in you.. I believe in your ability to make it through every difficult circumstance you are currently facing...
To be someone great... to be the leader that's within me to be... Well it means to recognize the mistakes I've made, the choices and decisions that have nearly caused and felt the death of my heart... And yet you know what I have never lost my heart I just get lost in all that surrounds me an for the first time while I am sitting here seeing so clearly the situation that is before me... And I know now for real that I am getting consumed by destruction....

A destructive path I have never felt before, a place I have never been an a place that I cannot even describe to be truth...
I see it clearly and I see what I have done and I see that the world as it should not be and I need to get out of all of this... I need to find my way through this just as I have for so long...

You know....

Today it took someone that has known me for about a year while it took her words to say to me.. I have been through worse this might feel trapped, might feel like I have put myself in between a rock and a hard place...reality is that it might feel that way but I've been through hell an back. I have survived some of the most painful memories of suicide attempts, I have been destructive on my own, and I have fought...This year to get through school and i did successfully and finally after all this fighting this time around I am able to say fully I am going in the path that has been meant for me and I'm going to get there....
Unfortunately I am being wounded... For one of the first times I'm feeling as I wish I hadn't... I'm scared and I have never felt this kind of fear before and I don't know if I am fully capable of getting through this but I hope/wish and desire for something to work out... Find a way... find the will to be all that I've been meant to be..... I need help... I need some serious support and I need to get through this even if it's the last thing I do... It won't be the last thing I do though it will just hurt, and it will be difficult and I'm scared of getting through it but I'm more afraid for my life of staying in this difficult darkness...

I want to thank all those who have helped me, who have heard my situation and told me this is it Jessie... This is where I choose very clearly what it is meant to be alive, what it's meant to know my heart and move forward... to walk the path that's been laid out for me...

I will get there... I will still remain and I will find a way because guess what that is what Jessie does is gets through all these events in my life...

Until than I am here... broken, shattered but surviving because I am an feel like Superman always conquering of the evil that's within the situations here..

Laterz <3

Friday, July 23, 2010

difficulties with death

I will start off sharing a little about my cousin Kaleb as it is one week ago he passed away... He was in a car accident a week ago and it is the most difficult thing I felt I've dealt with his passing away. He was only 21yrs old....I have spent numerous amounts of my time in Mission sharing in the mourning of the passing away of a family member. Although I don't remember Kaleb that much I do remember some times that we spent together when I used to visit them as a kid... We would play on the computer back then the computer was still just the little tiny thing and the stick you used to play games... I was at the place they all grew up in an as I stood there a warm feeling enveloped me because I knew that even though I don't remember specific times I know it was fun times and that's probably why I can't remember. Kaleb will be deeply missed RIP cousin..

So for the past week I have felt like a multitude of eruptions of being overwhelmed by living situations but not fully aware of them because I don't feel fully capable of dealing with all my family stuff, and still trying to get a job, and keeping my roof over my head. It has been a difficult task or toll on my life just to try move on with my life and still trying to cope with the death of someone so young, and someone who was my family member... I have without a doubt been by my families side helping arrange things, and helping be a support to my auntie...

I have come back to Vancouver and honestly life doesn't seem the same at all... and the only desire I have is to fall apart, to let myself drink, let myself get hurt in some way just to try get away from all that I am currently facing... Thankfully it's not a year ago and I am not the same person I once was... I have changed and I am different, I have become more aware of myself and my own limitations. So here I am on a Friday night trying my best to be productive and apply for jobs, and allow myself to feel any an all emotions that must be present at this time...

I have been in a relationship for just over a month and I have never felt so supported and so just feeling like this is something rather than nothing. I have enjoyed having someone in my life who is there for me, who acknowledges me and my own limitations... I have rarely allowed myself to be as known as I am now but I also am aware that this person doesn't seem to be in my life as destructive relationship all over, but something that may be more than anything.. I have really appreciated the support of my partner, and I have also been a support to my family members.. Today is the first time I have taken time for myself and it's half ass time because its evening but I'm able to be here for me and try my best to carry on as best as I can.

I finished school and although it's a great thing to accomplish something I also feel very lost because I miss school and i miss being part of that family, and being a part of one of the best schools in BC. The Justice Institute of BC was a real transformation and it is true what a friend of mine said about being in the presence of Police Officers they were in training but even their presence just brought on some fear that I had done something wrong. I look forward to one day changing that view and holding my values, beliefs, and traditions so closely that I never lose my heart on the job and I always acknowledge who I am and where I'm from...
Being out of school even though it's only for six months while it feels like a lifetime and I think it's only been about a month... I really want to go back and although I won't be going back to JIBC right away, I will look forward to my return there... I know that if they had what I needed with the degree I would've been there...Unfornately the path has led me elsewhere and I will be looking forward to attending (fingers crossed) Simon Fraser University as it has degrees and it's also the school my uncle Henry attended which is one reason, but the other is that their degree program seems promising.

Apart from school, apart from relationships, and apart from dealing with death....

I find that I am able to be here fully... Not fully present, and not fully taking care of myself but so sure that I am going to make it no matter what happens I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, and I am more aware of my weaknesses, my old habits and I'm able to make changes and be all that I can be just to be present, and live my life to the fullest extent. It seems so strange as I write all these words... To be someone who is moving forward in my life regardless of my state of just external life issues I am able to feel grounded and feel like I'm going to get through this....

While I don't know... It's been a difficult day as I have spent it alone,and it's Friday night and all my friends are out drinking and just making those choices and decisions that grows within me to desire it...and yet even in that weakness I am going to head to my moms for a very short visit before heading home and relaxing and enjoying my peace of mind that I have made the right and productive decision that drinking is not my decision, and not my life anymore...especially if it's only to taste the bitter taste of escaping from my life...

If only I knew more people who didn't drink, if only I knew that I could enjoy my life with others... than I would be out right now but unfortunately this is not the case for me at this time in my life but one day it will be...

Until than I am here and I am alive and I am aware of all I need to feel

Thanks for listening


Friday, July 9, 2010


I can hardly describe the circumstances since I finished school it seems to have been a blur of things I was doing and not doing. As of this past Monday I have been completely distracted by some new youth here in Canada came to us from Greenland/Alaska they are so awesome and I really enjoy being around them and appreciate all the time I was able to spend with them.
I have been in a relationship for a month now... I must say it's all new and has taken some getting used to be able to share my life,my goals, and my future with... Lastnight my partner met my lady and I'm not sure of the expeience for either of them...

I am looking into Security Guard Training to help benefit my career choice and can only hope for the very best results on that one... I have been struggling to stay focused, it's been such great weather that I hardly realized how fast time had flew by... I am happy to say that even though I was very distracted in two days I was able to get all the paper work done and can only hope that it works out... I think it would be great on my resume and great for the big guns to see how much effort I've made to get where I am going.

The weather in Vancouver has been absolutely amazing, extraordinary and a little overwhelming but I've been pretty productive... Today was honestly the first day I rested, and I was able to get all my work done and I was able to be productive and just be right... Tomorrow will be another experience because I will be at the Pow-Wow in Squamish not normal for me but another job opportunity, something that will make my resume look good.. All this volunteer work, all the youth experience, and just being available to my friends...well it will pay off and I will get there!!

It's been confirmed as well... As of the 16 of July for the first time in a long time I am going to travel with my lady... we are going to head to Fort St.James and even as I say it my heart skips a beat... For the first time in years I have a strong desire to go to my father's grave site and hope to only have good energy and share stories of how great he was, and just honor him in that time... He was amazing, extraordinary... and when I think of how far I've come in a year... I know he is looking down on me being proud of the woman I am becoming!
I'm planning on finding the money, and time to go and create a new grave thing it's not stone it's just wood well I want to make a new one and bring it to his site and just honor him.. A few weeks ago I seen a picture of my father's grave and it was ok sad moment, but i realized his wood thing that has his name and birth/death its falling apart so it's my desire to head up there to bring him a new one... I'm undecided if I want to see my dad's family but as time continues on I will see how it goes...and I know my heart/soul will make the right decision from there...

For one of the first of many times in my life...I am looking back at this year of my life... How far I've come... how clear minded I am...and how much I am determined that no matter what happens I will survive,and I will get there... I think that's what I like about hanging out with these youth is that they keep that side of me inspired... they have no idea how fantastic they are and how much it means to me to be a part of their lives...
Unfortunately the downfall is that I won't be going on Tribal Journey's this year.. With all this creation of secuity guard training, and taking care of myself... well I just have too much to do and no time to get away... I hope that once I'm certain my rent is paid, and that I am secure for the training while Tribal Journeys will be the first place I attend.
I miss it.. Even being around the youth as they go out in the Canoe my heart skips a beat and I realize how much I miss it... I hope that it works out but if not I realize now how much Tribal Journey's means to me and I have to plan for it next year...

Well I just wanted to touch base it's been a long time since I wrote in my journal and even as I write I am so surprised to hear myself say everything is going good, and I am moving forward in my life... I am accomplishing everything in my life and I am mving forward... I am proud of myself...

Thanks for listenning :)

Sunday, June 27, 2010



A whole year a whole year is now over!!

Thanks everyone for their support without my supports I might not have been able to make it here!!

Lots of love to my lady your the best and you helped me so much!!


Wednesday, June 16, 2010


So.. This is on my mind and seeing as I haven't found anyone I could talk to understand what I'm going to say I might as well say it here. One experience one thing I have always had since moving to Vancouver and its been something that I don't try work hard toward, or anything.. I have always been given respect not because of my status, or the people I know...But because it's just who I am... I never disrespect anyone unless I have been given that kind of hate... While this is something I experienced for the first time today and I know exactly why it's there... So I will have to once again decide what's more important to me? This is where the life of this person of me stays where I am or where I'm going.
The events of now really affected me and I don't see point in that you know? You know what it's like? it's as if I been spit in the fuckin face. As if I did anything wrong and to be given that kind of disrespect while what the hell is this all about?

The events of yesterday yes pretty messed up, childish, stupid and just not part of the life I want to live... the response to my feelings while it was pretty shitty and the outcome...while the outcome was that whatever it was...and because of that the ripple effected of us has now come through to the people... the people will decide whether we stay, we move, we mark, or anything and right now... that had really effected me... no matter the state of mind, no matter the circumstances in life.. if there is an opportunity to been given respect, no it's not even about giving it...it's always been there and because of this one incident it's all over and I'm sitting here thinking... is this really worth it? if this is the effects of what's happened over a little argument.. imagine what will happen when and if things fall through?

No one could see.... what I see... I can't even write about it because it's just useless information and I'm really angry.. You have no idea how much that was not deserved and how much It's been hard enough for me to be where I am, and who I am.. and it's like what's the point? Whats the point now?

It is what it is... this might be a good thing.. a way out of all that I feel... or a way out of all that I am and all this garbage of the person I used to be... and the person I'm meant to be! so will see how it goes...but I needed to write that it made me feel belittled, alone and totally disrespected that was not except able to be and I am trying to work through it..

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


The last time I wrote I said that I was scared or that I was supposed to do things slowly..

What's bothering me more than ever is that I'm told that I have revealed the most passionate part of me, the most vulnerable piece of me... This has put fear in my heart... lol can you believe it? I am told that I have magnificently revealed my heart and pretty much just waiting to get hurt... How to recover from this? I don't know... How to turn back time so that I am not revealing this piece of me I don't know.
I didn't like hearing this...and now that it's planted in my mind I'm starting to get terrified this is not what I wanted you know? I am not ready for the revelations of my fragile heart.. I really enjoyed the topics of today talking about how in the last year I finally have said "I don't care what everyone else thinks" I have finally come to a place of not attaching to others... I mean the biggest blow to my life was losing my cousin and since he has gone while I just don't trust anymore... and yet I am told that instead of following my instinct that this had to go slow... I'm told I just pretty much laid my heart out for all to see, and because I have been told this while I'm in the destructive state finding a way to get my heart back...

I'm terrified of what will happen... How will this play out...

I don't even want to talk about it... I really want to focus on my goals the things I have set out to do for myself... These are the reasons others are attracted to me, these are the reasons that I am cared for in this extent, it's because of my life experience I can be who I am and I could walk the line the way I do!

So I'm going to stop with this drama of the people in my life and share what I just found out and how I plan to apply this into my life and my career choice.. this is how I get rid of my anxiety :)

So It's been an idea for a few months now that I would try and find time or just find a way to give back to my community in a way that entails how I've come to where I am now..
Someone a couple months ago implanted in my mind the idea of working at a crisis center not working but volunteering my time there... so after a long haul I finally looked it up to see if there was an opportunity! Unfortunately I will have to wait another year because it says I have to have not tried to commit suicide in 2 yrs... Sadly enough lol it's only been a year since I got the 34 stitches in my arm.
But in reading the information of the kind of experience I will have... While being able to share with youth the presentation side of a suicide attempt...To be able to be someone who can share with them my experience and how much after all this fighting, all this let down, all this joy, all this pain, all of everything!! I am able to here...I'm able to share my heart, able to be real... and I don't regret that time in my life but that I am glad that I was able to find ways to make it through to be where I am now..

I want to make a difference.... I want to be someone that others can turn too! I want to be someone who is not ashamed of my history!! I want to be someone who can lay all these cards these shameful cards on the table...and say... you were saying????? Lots of people think that I am almighty of a strong woman, a strong goal set mind!! What were the sacrifices for these things? What did I have to do to get where I am now! Don't tell me that I am strong because I'll show you in all ways how I'm not perfect, how I am weak, and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I am HUMAN! Imperfect, feeble little me!! I am capable of surviving just as much as anyone else is! And I am here to say yep.... it's just! I failed, failed, failed and than I kept trying, trying and trying and look at where it's gotten me?

These are the passions of my heart, these are the reasons I love my life... The reasons I am appreciative of the life I am living! I am worth it! I do deserve it! and I believe it more and more everyday I am alive! This passion!! is a passion for youth, a passion for people who have found themselves in a dark place, and feeling like there is no way out!

Look at my life! Look at my life more closely and see that I had every reason and I mean EVERY reason to not be here...It only took ONE REASON for me to still be here today!

It will be alright... I will get there!! I will wait another year and in this year you better believe death is not looking for me, and I have no desire for it!! I want to make a difference I've been on this road of my journey wanting to make a difference! Let me show you how powerful I can be! I will get there and I honestly can't wait for that!!

Everything else is temporary...

But seriously...is there anyway I could get my heart back? cause if I don't.... While I'm going to scare myself out of this and than I'm going to ruin everything because I was the stupid idiot who revealed the most feeble weak piece of me...this is too vulnerable... too uncomfortable... I need to get myself back together... find that balance because if I don't find that balance I'm sorry to say I really don't believe I will make it! I won't be able to be a friend, a confident to the person I am with now...and if that falls apart..while I don't even want to talk about the repercussions of that...

Wish me luck as I continue on with my journey of finding myself continuously! loving it good and bad!! I will get there no doubt!

It is what it is!! <3

Friday, June 11, 2010


Write truth... be honest about myself and my situation... So here it goes... I won't reveal as much as I might need too but I need something to help me get out of this mindset and start getting back into my goal setting of the things I have meant for me in the near future...

Recently I met someone... I can't even describe to you in what ways I was attracted and how so strange it was... so unavoidable... I started chillin with this person and hanging out... and than without even thinking I did what I always do... and instead of establishing boundaries or even allowing myself to realize this has to become something more than this... It could have been more than this but I screwed it... I screwed it up by lying, by being the person I used to be. And now I'm finding myself in a position of trying and desiring to let go and I can't...

I need help.... I don't know what to do... I can't imagine how I could really get myself out of this mess.. and it's so stupid! I'm such an idiot for thinking that I could ever be ready to meet someone or that it could work in some ways when reality is... I'm an idiot since moving to Vancouver, no since I left Sean in Ontario I've pretty much allowed my stupidity, my desire for attraction, connection to interpret my relationships...Giving into my desires and the only person that gets hurt is me because I'm that low and that stupid!

I'm guilty and every time I have to think of it!! Do you know what happens to me! I grow anxiety because i know everything that's happened is wrong and I really messed up and there is no way of getting through this. How could I allow myself to be put in this place and to be in this place and so scared! so scared of truth, so scared and so ashamed of the choices I've made and the desire is growing in me to screw it all up and it's on my game plan because what's the point you know? i screwed up so lets see how far it can go

I know I'm not thinking in the right frame of mind... but I really messed up!

I'm supposed to write the good! So here is the good!... I met someone that I am attracted too and whether we can recover from this shit we pulled the last four days I'm not certain... I am certain I don't want to leave this person, nor this person leave my life either... I think that even if things have gone wrong I think we may have a lot to offer each other in a friendship way or something of that sort... I don't know.. that's stupid but the whole point of entering into this was that we were going to just be friends for a while get to know each other as this is the way I'm told is how to get to know someone... to set boundaries and just all this stuff I never knew of! I never allowed myself to be open to this idea of seeing someone and now that I haven't while now I'm in a place where I realize the consequences of not setting limits and I'm scared of the outcome more than anything I'm scared to walk away from it!
Either the good is that I met someone... someone I feel like I've learned a lot about and the more I learn the more I desire, and the more I desire the more I realize how lucky I am to have met someone in this place and just... trying to find balance after allowing chaos to happen...

So... regardless... i guess I'm talking this through trying to find a way to work this out in my mind so that I'm not where I am and i could find a way to be where i can be without these problems.. I really have really really disrupted truth in my mind and I'm trying to find a way back from it so that i'm not where I am you have no idea how much I need to not be where I am..

I can't self-destruct... i can recover from everything that's happened and if that means letting that person go for a time while maybe that's what i need to do! How to be ok with letting this go is the more difficult thing for me.. it's always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do! so I'm scared and I don't know if it's possible or even if it is can I or do I really want to do this!

I wish I could scream really loud because my chest hurts, my head is full of thoughts... I need to focus and just try my best to be ok! Writing about it didn't help either it just made me more afraid, and more scared and more so turmoiled!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

live it

The choices and decisions I make now will effect my life forever... so each day I always try consider the right things, but have to give myself grace that I am definitely beyond anything I'm human... My standards for myself are pretty extreme and I get pretty crazy.
Thankfully someone today finally said something that really helped me through the difficulty of yesterday... Forget what other people think of what I should do with my life... If I deny the future I've been fighting for than I will imply that I deny my heart's desire, and if that happens while than living my life for whatever other reason for whatever other way is a lie... Cause I'm not being true to myself...
So now I decided that this is the life I want to live... No matter what happens I will get there until than I will fight to get there... I have to be reminded that everything I chose now is going to effect that future of mine...

I can't believe it though you know? How much someone else's words and influences can effect my lifestyle, my choices, my decisions, and my future... I can't believe that.. and I wonder how many other people in the world are effected by the limitations of others... That bothers me and last night I asked my sister what she would do if someone said she couldn't do something.. You know what she said? she'd do whatever it took to prove them wrong!!! Did I mention how old my sister is? she's 13yrs old... and yes I had the thought in my mind but I had to allow myself to consider the person that said them, and the place I'm at in my life right here and now... so that's how it effected me.

I finally got the perspective I needed and I've got myself reaching out to the people I need to so that I can create the life I want to live yet again. The obstacles I am currently facing are the major facts that people will always tell me that I can't do it... Not just as a First Nation's person, but just a person in the world who has the kind of history of lifestyle choices as I do... I can't allow these things to corrupt me and my heart, my place in life... I've got to fight beyond this and hope for a better future...

I talk and speak and walk in the things I say mean and do... lol I am not up for this game of trying to reconsider my career choice... I know that regardless yes I will find a backup plan with all the qualifications I will have!! I am certain I will find the right place in my life of what I want to do...
For right now until the future comes to whatever it is.. I will continue to go in the direction I am going into..

Today was pretty good...Finally... even though some of the small things.. today was good because I was able to let go of some of these limitations of the lifestyle I am choosing to live, and also was able to consider that all that matters is the life I choose to live.. if I decide this future is what I want to do than this is what I want to do... and it's only natural for me to face people who can't seem to acknowledge the fact I will get there and I will do better than anyone ever could have!

I'm at the moment trying to consider my papers, presentations for school... I know that I want to choose someone that I haven't thought of because I have written about so many great people in Vancouver, so many great people in my community... I am hoping to choose someone who was a leader to me, and someone who inspired me to become who I am now... without actually having to say it but acknowledge their qualities of leadership and enlighten them.. I mean I dont think I would have ever thought myself ever being someone who is a leader...it's a natural thing in my system... Its just who I am and what I do... the choices and decisions I choose to live by and become a good mentor, role model for youth, for anyone really... I just want it to be someone who I considered to help me through some stuff and helped me see the qualities of leadership or being a mentor.

See how it goes... I also am supposed to be reading the required material for the course.. something I'm trying my best to avoid.. because I think I like the idea of writing about people more than I do about the book... I wanted or had the idea of choosing more than one person a community of people I've encountered in my life... who are leaders in their community, and are people I have been inspired by... I don't know.. I don't think that will work but I can only hope for good results.. I have my contemplating of many people in my life that I consider to be leaders and so just have to find out how much I want to do this with great desire...
I'm sad to report that the person I had hoped to write about.. while she ended up not disappointing me but just not living up to the qualifications I had considered to be a leader, role model, or mentor... so will see how it goes and hope for the best...

I guess I better go... I have waited all this time so that I can go and enjoy the beating of our traditional drums... I stayed in Vancouver just to be close to the powerful music of my heritage.. I am beyond happy to be a first nation's person! If only I could find someone who is a great mentor, leader or something that I could write about!


Monday, May 17, 2010

create it

"Do just once what others say you can't do and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." ~ Arthur C. Clarke

This is where I'm at this moment...This image of creating the change, creating the life that I want and desire to live by. No matter what I do I'm feeling stopped by those who say they are a support to me, being stopped enough by my own thoughts and limitations I have for my own self that now their stuff is effecting me too... It's not as though they are saying I can't do it...But the fact that the consideration is there, and my assumption and interpretation is there too.

I have to do what I have to do and until I get there I'm not going to stop... Yes I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to face many obstacles, many road blocks, set backs, and painful shit that I can't handle... but if I stay alive, if I keep living I'm not going to stop... I'm not going to consider other things, and I'm not going to lose my mind I'm going to fight...Fight for my own spirit, and one day fight for my community, and one day my nation... We shall remain! No matter how much pressure is on me I'm going to fight for the future, fight for these things and yes at moments I'm going to fall..Yes I did fall... Yes I did fuck it up for a moment...but I am still here.. and in still being here I'm thinking of ways of how to make preventative steps to not be who I was, and stay where I was... It will take time, it will take healing and I'll fight no matter what!

I can't even tell you clearly how much I was effected today... I think this is the fault of my own.. I put an expectation on someone that...just wasn't there... cause really when you think of it I already cared, it was already and has already been engraved in me... when you get me talking about what I'm passionate about than you see and feel how I care... but when I let myself be blocked into my own thinking, being secluded and just set apart from others...while you better believe I'm going to lose my mind, you better believe I'm going to question my own existence you better believe that when moments happen in my life that people are not with me.. I will struggle...

Speak of the good... speak it out! that's what I need to do... the good is this person.. this person who was in my life a while ago... not sure when... but she helped me through a crisis and after she was gone that was it.... I didn't hear from her, think of her, or anything... Until I decided... that I needed someone in my life that had some experience in something I thought I might want to do, because it is my desire to be the change I want to see in the world..of course yes. but I also desire to be someone who can help others because I've experienced it, felt it, acknowledged it's grip on my soul, these are things I can understand...so I figured who better to ask than someone who helped me through those moments in my life?
The experience... was difficult... in the sense that her impact on my life is a lot more than I could even allow myself to acknowledge which scares me... Yet even than her story today was extraordinary and it seems like this is it for me for now.. yes it might change but for right here and now this is it!

I'm going to be writing a paper this week about what I learned from her, and what I've learned this year, and also the healing process of my own self, as well as an aboriginal leader in my community... This will be a huge paper for me and it will be a well needed writing of the accomplishments I've achieved, and the life I live, and choose to walk into this path of the future.

Got to find my way through this... I also heard in hearing from this woman... I've made a concrete decision about the choices and decisions I will make in the future...and her impact on my life is crazy and scary, and yet... for right now it's perfectly what I need even in not wanting to have her!


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

creative falling

I survived.

What a surprise... While I guess not really when I'm surrounded by some of the people in my life that believe in me and believe in the abilities I have to get through every road block, circumstance in my life.
Are you ready for it? I fell again... This time it was just about as harsh as way back in October two years ago I think... I went out with some of my so called friends and by the time I realized it we were all about to take some drugs... I almost got to that point... It came into my mind again...

This is my form of the ultimate punishment... darker than cutting, and wanting to die, this would be the ultimate price to pay for something so stupid... I'd never turn back to this life I'm living now.

I made that decision... I walked away and could not go back because I know this is not the person I want to be for the rest of my life... I was hurt, I was angry but I was unstable... I wasn't giving myself a chance to move forward with my life... You know something I learned a few years ago.. Is fear... Fear of the unknown...Fear of succeeding more so because I've failed for so long that when I think I might make it, might accomplish something while than I get scared and do everything I can to be sure I'm not the changed person.
Thinking of it now... There is a great movie that was played... a man spent his entire life in jail serving a life sentence but he was just a kid when he went in, when he came out... he couldn't keep up with the way the world changed...he ended up taking his own life..

So when we think of change... not being able to ease into change... while I can't ease into the fact that really underneath all the lies of the life I live now...I'm a freaking awesome person...
yes I have shortcomings, I make poor decisions, and I live everyday trying to appreciate everything that happens... This is my life...and I'm learning very quickly how human I am... I had always imagined I'd be great...I'd be like a robot not faltering in my life... Was I ever wrong and each entry I have written once how great things are, and once how horrible and how much I hate everything, and how much I don't want to survive...yes yes I've done it all..

I thought about it... I know without a doubt that this life I used to live will always be a part of me. Just as much as an ex-drug user will always struggle with temptations... I will always struggle with my history of the choices and decisions that I struggled with..I will always have those things but just like those people I could say no and decide that my life is to be lived fully...

This past weekend... I thought I wouldn't survive and I came close a couple of times to falling apart and choosing something horrible... but even in those choices... there were people in this world who were with me, and there are things and circumstances in this world that will remind me of what the heck I'm doing with my life... I've never been meant, created and molded into drug use... I must fully understand my cravings for things for destruction really...
I'm learning quickly that I'm scared...scared to move forward...scared to let go...and scared to move on when I know this is how I'm creating my legacy, my life, and my future. I'm scared that I will fail...and yes believe me I will at some point fail and fall short... while I have to allow this and allow my emotions to play out the way they do when I fail and move forward.... It's a big blow to me when I know or feel I might fail or fall short of an accomplishment...

I have high expectations for my life, my choices and decisions... I have not given myself grace because I know if I do I might as well just be a loser who doesn't do anything. It is because of my standards I am who I am...But it's also because of my standards I have the people in my life and I have expectations of them as well, standards to what kind of people they are to me.
How to let these things go...how to accept for who they are...or let go.. these are forms and things I'm working on... It will be a lot more difficult for me to let go of someone who is living, and breathing here in the city. I can only hope...it works out the way it needs too...

While I survived the weekend.... I survived it because I chose it... I chose it... I didn't want too believe me... I wasn't fully where I should be... but I did what I could with what I had... and can only hope for future results of honoring that day as much as I live everyday... One day I have to go all out and prepare myself for that... I just I'm scared too... I imagined that day for a whole year and as it came closer I had ideas of what I was going to do... But I had desires to live love and breath everyday....To honor my life and the reasons for this life why I chose to get off that ledge, why I chose to live each horrific event... While... I survived that weekend... I didn't do all I wanted...but I was there as best as I could be..and one day in the future I will do better and honor the way my heart is telling me too...

Until than... I am here...not fully here...From reading my previous post I'm struggling a war has begun within myself.. and I'm fighting with what I've got but feeling like it's not working, and trying to live...trying my best to find that hope, that wish, that desire that's deep within me that wants me to make it... Will take some time and only hope for the best.

While...I think that's it!

There are new people coming into my life.... not really new...she is someone who was in my life for a very very short season... While she will hold a new place in my life if she allows me to learn from her, she might become a new mentor... I couldn't believe that either... I have people who are wanting to set me up with new supports, new people etc... instead I keep saying no because i said I was already wounded by the last support and I'm not willing for new ones...while than this woman comes along and yet it's like she had already been there and just came back... so I don't know... what does this mean? I will have to work through these moments because I have to recognize people are human and I need more supports the right kind, and the ones that don't leave me six months later


Thursday, May 6, 2010

the flaw of my determination

I feel like I'm not really here you know? I have been isolated, secluded and just totally fucked up. I'm angry, I hate myself and what I've done and who I've become. I regret so much that this one regret is the only thing that could and would utterly destroy me and every minute of my horrible life I think and wonder would today be the day that I could just be gone.
I began this year with no desire to survive it...
I have nothing to offer anyone... I'm a broken mess and every minute of my life my chest is hurting and I wish I could say it's because i quit smoking but ultimately it's because my heart is sinking, I'm feeling all those bricks all those painful things that made me the beast it's all coming back and I don't care anymore!

People ask me to care. ask me to love..ask me to survive but I don't want to anymore... I'm working towards all this opportunity and yet I'm failing...

You can't ask me to feel anything for a feeling that never existed in my life. You can't ask me to feel this shit for something that never happened... I won't do it... I live in denial, I live in hatred of my own self. I have created a monster buried it and now it's back.
There's no saving me...

Last night I walked through skidrow and my only thought was...who would know what I was doing? it's the last place people would look for me... I talk about being so against drugs but I have a hidden addiction that no one is able to see... I thought I was going downtown to see what I could do about my situation... I ran into family. Ran into all those I care for and all's I wanted to do was grab a smoke, a toke, or a fuckin drink. I don't care...Yet I hesitated because in the end no matter what happens... I will have to live with that... But reality is your asking me to fight for a future that will never exist for me.

The chances of me making it into that line of work... I'll never be fully healed in my head to accomplish this goal.. I have too much... and I really don't care anymore.
Even now... all this shit I have been doing for this stuff for this moving forward shit. It's like no matter what I do it's always holding me back, there's always something holding me back. and its taking every damn part of me to hold on... to hope for a moment to breath to have someone say I believe in you enough to guarantee these things you do now...it's worthwhile.

No one can guarantee anything to me because everything I do. Everything I choose. everyone in my life... all this stuff... The sacrifice. the pain. the heartache... I hate it.. what the hell is the point.I'm told the one thing you need to succeed is to not lose heart. how in the world am I to move forward when I feel it deep within me that I'm losing my heart because I'm sacrificing so much shit with no outlet. no goodness...Only pain... and every day I am close to crying, lying, running away because I can't handle this anymore...

I don't think I'm going to make it... yes I'm thinking negative thoughts but no one knows truly where I'm at... I'm fighting my demons of knowing full well this isn't worth it... my life is not worth it. everything in this last year was not worth it... I am destined to fail, and destined to break your heart. This is who I am, and who I'll always be. I give up.

You have no idea what's its like. To feel this alone. this scared. and to have to sacrifice my value and belief in my family. to sacrifice my own soul. to know and see that I guaranteed to be here for my family just to turn my back on them because I'm drowning in their sorrows and problems. I'd rather fight for them to live and breath, I'd rather die trying to make them make it.
It hurts... It hurts so much to be here...to be alive... It hurts to know the things I've ultimately sacrificed and see that there is no goodness... there is no freedom. there is no outlet. I have nothing, and I am nothing. I gave up everything.... There is nothing left within me to continue on with my life, my future. I lie. I hurt and lie and hope to be believed in when reality is I never intended to make it in the first place.
I've known all along that this would never work. this is not for me this is not who I am. this is not where i belong. Last night on Skidrow I became one of them.... I became one of them and I have no regrets because I know my father be looking down on me saying I knew you'd be just like me. I didn't make piss ass choices but allowing myself to stay there... to breath in the life that this is who I'm to become, this is who I'm meant to be... there is no one who would care at all.

I'd rather let myself die a slow painful death...than continue to see my dreams and goals get further and further away from me... I'd rather give them up... There are so many people who have given up those things without anything.. so how am I different? Just because I had a desire to help, to serve and to be here in my community...because of all these things...people believe that I'm capable of something....

You remember... a long time ago... I tried to jump off a ledge? I still go there... I can't help but go there... but there is one flaw in it... i can't bring myself to walking to the wall anymore.. I can get to the top but I can't go to the edge... I can't imagine who I was in that time... and I know no matter what I won't go that way.. I already said why I wouldn't do it that way because I'm scared... I'm scared of that kind of stuff...

What does it mean to survive? to be alive... to move forward to the future? I been told throughout this year.... how many people believe in me, how much they are there for me, and how much I'm going to make it. while for the first time at a first glance I see how much I been let down, and yet I tried so hard to let it be water off a ducks back... reality is it's not... it's not like that to me. it proves to me the old truth that's been buried within me... people are only in my life for a short season and I can choose to take their words and carry on... or I can stop... stop trying to meet people because in the end they be gone anyhow and how much did they help? another way I been let down... so you can't tell me to not let others down... I'm just going with the flow the cycle of life...
I'm really lost right now... I keep walking the streets...praying, hoping, wishing on a star that I'll find something...something that captivates me to keep going.... I need this soon because I'm close to the edge... I'm too close to destruction I can already feel it within me... others sense it within me... I'm starting... it's started and if I don't find something I'm afraid the person I am now the person I was a week ago, she will die within me...and I'll come back as the beast. I'll return my destruction and I'll forget everything...I'll let myself become the things that I hated because I gave up... I gave up because I've had no outlet. no support. and no reason to keep moving forward. if i give up my family, give up the belief I have in them, give up on the opportunity to graduate because I have no funding..then explain to me what the fuck this whole year has been for me? I am done... and I hate everything I've done just to once again Fail... Yep I hear it and know it and feel I have failed at accomplishing the goals I've set out to do.

The beast within me wins.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

not as bad

The truth shall set you free!!

The final season of this moment of my life! I told the truth... I finally gave up on all the words all the pain, all that was holding me back from the greatness of my relationship!! You know what's funny??? I don't think it was as bad... I mean you know when you imagine telling someone something that isn't true, but the idea that there was a moment a glimpse of confusion??? While you picture that moment being the literal end of the world??
It was not that at all... I explained it... explained my truth to it... and even in going through this small burst of argument I was able to still be here even if I didn't feel like it was the best thing to happen... And yet it is...
There is nothing greater.... SERIOUSLY nothing greater to a relationship/friendship that we could be this honest, this conserve... It's so strange, so great....so weird.
You know what I realized today? The reason I can't allow myself to imagine that this might be okay, that I could allow myself to imagine that this would be okay... I can't do that my mindset cannot be there...because I'm not ready to open that compartment of my life... that is still a piece of me that I hold and am scared to let happen even though everyone else knows its there, its open. I cant allow myself to see that because it will prove the show that I am changing..I have changed and I'm moving forward..and that I've capability opened my heart to someone and been loved and loved....

OTHER than the drama of the greatest relationship of my ENTIRE damn life!

The best part of my day was that I went to a Information Session for my career choice!! It was almost like bells were ringing, like my heart, and me and everything fell into place that this is the right decision! that I have to make this commitment to be there... to be able to see the standard at which I need to be at, that I need to raise the bar and be able to have three key components such Pride, Honor, Respect... Of Course needing Integrity.
These components are the lifestyle the moral, the value, the belief I need to have to succeed! I need to push my body to it's limits to create the bar raising.. I need to continue with my lifestyle of morals and values...and one damn day! I will be a negotiator for a very highly valued city.

I'm moving forward FINALLY!

NO ONE ELSE IS IN MY HEAD! I know where I'm at! I know that everyday every piece of me, the beast of me wants to destruct me... wants this truth to be a lie... wants to see my fail... These are places, parts that will always need healing... As long as I keep my eye on the goal I will not fail, and I will become a great role model and mentor to so many people! For this it is my honor and duty, and desire to
"Be the change you want to see in the world" Ghandi~

It's dinner time!! my lady!! sit sorting her food... It's one of the greatest moments ever because I know she will and has stood by me...and for that I am grateful... When and if she ever reads this! I want her to know very clearly how amazing she is... how strong she is!! She is her own pillar of strength... I'm honored to be in her life and cherish her every second I spend with her! I love you tons! glad to be with you to honor today with you! Thanks for dinner


Monday, April 26, 2010

Future matters

There are tons of things that are bothering me..many things that have confused me and scared me and even made me feel lower than I could ever feel. This is an aspect in my life that needs some serious transformation...
I recently had a conversation with a friend and I shared with her that I felt like maybe this isn't really me... All these great marks, all these great words...I keep flying into the mindset that maybe they have mistaken me for someone else. This is not truth and I realized that I've never been praised for very much, and so when I do I am constantly thinking maybe that was meant for someone else, or maybe they made a mistake.

I have grown accustomed to that mindset of being worthless, and a mistake. I know I'm a great writer, and I live my life to the best of my extent. It will take many years to heal it will take a great support system for me to be able to be comfortable to break down these walls that have kept me hidden.. Actually off note... While listening to drumming in my last day of class... I had a vision as we listened to the beautiful drum... That vision was I could clearly see a gate of bricks and with each beat of the drum I seen these bricks falling down...
Maybe that's where I'm at??? Maybe I'm finally finding the confidence, the self-reliance I need to continue on with my life..

There is a huge thing coming up in my near future... I'm terrified of it and worry that I will be left alone, worry that maybe I will even fall apart or something ridiculous that relates to who I used to be... I've created a time to fall apart no not that but I have given myself grace for beginning the horrible stages I will soon be facing. I have created an atmosphere that creates a facade of where I am at, and who I really am...
For me to break this cycle... Is for me to cry out for help... To avoid being the rock I try to be and allow myself to fall apart, allow all these feelings that are within me now... allow them to come fourth because this is the cycle of life, this is the road to true and utter healing.

I don't know...Maybe I'm just crazy?

This last course was pretty intense and in learning it... I felt myself hurting, feeling the pain of those things... realizing what's happened truly...what's happened... the statistics, the history, the constitution, the Indian Act... All these things and all those stories... touched me at the root of my being and I felt so hurt, almost as if I were opening the stages to grieve the outcome of my history...
even in this course though... One thing I'm learning very clearly... Is no matter the history or my mindset... I will always have people who are with me... I'm sure if I really needed the help of one of my classmates they would be there...Just as they know I am here for them too... So in learning through these difficult histories each of us in our leadership mindset of how to create a better future... They have influenced my life tremendously and as I look at this future event... Honestly the only people I want to be around is them...

While... It's time to go eat lunch..even though it's dinner time :) I have to be sure that all those words I wrote in my course project I stand by them, huge part of that is taking care of myself... So that's what I'm going to do... I also have to have faith!
I have a friend visiting here and she is living on faith... She believes that she is being looked after and she is... she is a very inspirational friend and I really miss having her around but I know she's doing great even if she's not with me here.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

move forward

I am finding myself in a destructive state oh goodness what a surprise right? It has never been an issue to see my in a place of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. This entry isn't about the things I could or should be doing with my time...
This entry today is about what I've done to myself and what I'm not doing to move forward. I just finished reading some motivation of how to move forward with one's life and I'm appalled that I'm so messed up that I'm where I am, no real aspiration of how to get out of this, and no real desire to keep moving forward.
I'm getting influenced by many people in my life about what's going on in my life, what I feel or don't feel, or confused of feeling... I'm angry that these confusions are coming into my life and I'm getting tired of trying to determine these things. Why do I have to be the one to be so messed up, because reality is like someone said I like to stir everything and I like to sabotage everything in my life so that I remain content of self-destructive choices.
Without even knowing it I've been exposed to some of the greatest people in the world... Some people who have been through hell, some people who struggle now, and some very succesful people in the future or even now... What it means to be a role model, what it means to be a living example of a leader, or what sorts of barriers are preventing them.
As of last week... I've fed myself and been fed some lies or some confusing thoughts about what it means for someone to be in my life... A fine line to me of the dependency's of my history, or even the reality of how messed up I am and how stupid I am about wanting to move forward with my life...
You know these things going on these lies that have been going on I thought I could get past them, and move on and be OK.... Unfortunately this is not the case and I've been highly influenced by the voices of society, the voices of others, and their influences are making me want to sabotage all these things all these people in my life... Cause to me when I look at this confusion I see the outcome being unbearable and even moving back to square one rather than continuing with my life... Being able to continue to move forward with the right kind of support, and be able to be productive, and just be great... When I look at these thoughts I'm seeing myself sabotage and begin to move back because unconsciously I am trying to self-destruct... We are coming to the marker of what it has meant to me to be alive...
Yes you heard right...shortly we will be celebrating the anniversary of my desire to live and those decisions I made back then to be where I am now... The motivation and determination of what it means to me to have made those choices and decisions for me to move forward with my life, the great aspect of what made me want to become a cop, what it meant to me to survive every suicide attempt in this last year.
And yet... Here I am... Thinking of all the ways that are destroying me or the potential of what will happen to me if I say a word...If one piece of crap word begins to flow out of my mouth... And then we find me... stuck back here... Being influenced of the pain and realities of what is not true in my life...

What have I done? who have I talked too? and why does it matter so much to me?

I'm scared... I'm scared of losing the greatest people in my life that have helped me become the living example of what it means to follow my dreams. I'm scared and yet the more these influences come in my life the more I want those people to be set apart from me so that I don't feel that anymore... I wrote an e-mail recently explaining very clearly that no matter what I do right now... I will not succeed but I also won't fail... I have created a support system of great people, but also a support system of my people who are stuck in their stuff but also unwilling to allow me to fall apart, no one in my life will have one drink with me because they know... I have to move forward with my life... I have to become great and it's engraved in me to be great. to do great... and yet even if I wanted too.. You know where my mindset would be?? How dare I let those youth down, how dare I even allow myself to go down when I fought so hard to be where I am, and the unworthiness of my life would come into play and I would want nothing more of it..

It's a cycle of realities that I currently facing..

And yet even though I'm not making the poor decision... I'm lying to those I love because I know what's best for them... I know them knowing where I'm truly at will only destroy them and hurt them... and so I put on my facade each day that I'm alive... One day a week that's all I get to be me, to allow the brokenness be with me and other days... I'm trying so freaking hard to prove that I'm not struggling, and that I'm not hurt by the institutions of society, of people I love... and I'm stuck and I wish I could even swear...but I can't... there's no point...

This is a moment of weakness of feeling like one of the worst people in the world because I have hurt those I love tremendously... Unable to voice my inner voice of slowing but surely dying each day without even realizing how much these circumstances, this confusion has effected me...


In today's forecast the life and story of me is that I'm going to fail and I'm going to corrupt every good thing that's ever happened to me... I'm foolish to do so, but society and influences are telling me this is what must be done...

Monday, April 12, 2010

plan to fail

Difficult news being presented to me... It's funny cause I've talked to three different people about my situation and the reactions of them all were completely different... I said that I wasn't sure what I was going to do after school was over...School is over in three months!!! My immediate thoughts are what am I going to do to corrupt this opportunity to graduate?
These are no the thoughts I need to be having..My next thought what am I going to do? I talked about continuing on with school but honestly the amount of money I owe is enough that I'd rather wipe that clean than try and take on another debt of a student loan, and even then... I don't really know what I want to do with my life...I think it's important for me to check out the workforce as horrible as it is before I decide what I want to do with my life.

These are not the chosen words I spoke yesterday... The interpretation I received from a friend was that money would be handed to me, the way I took that... was that I had been planning on going on welfare again... This is not the case... I've already made that decision and because of that stuff I'm in debt nearly a grand.
So now that is clear... I'm sitting here for three hours now and have applied only one job!! Trying to determine what kind of job I want, what I'm capable of doing...

Don't let my appearance deceive you... Believe me I'm honestly terrified of working... Things change, life changes, where I was weak once before I am strong now... I'm not certain of this though, and that's what makes me afraid to even decide to work.
I'm scared that if I go back into work I'm going to go back into self-destruction... Afraid to go into a certain profession and yet it's the only one I enjoy doing, and what I'm good at... To imagine me being in a office environment not going to work, to imagine me teaching little kids...not me... I can't do those things because I'm not someone who can stay inside..

I truly made some decisions in the last twelve hours... I don't know where my mindset is but I know I'm hurting, I'm feeling the repeating choices return... For the first time in forever I literally cried myself to sleep because for the first time in a long time I actually felt like I'm going to fail... No matter what I do how much I fight... I'm going to fail....

What hurt me more... was that instead of speaking... instead of making the adult decision to say anything to my dear friend... I walked away... with no real intention of returning... if I'm going to fall apart again and if my life is going to become disruptive again this time around I'm not going to put my friend through this... If I don't find stability than I don't deserve anything... I deserve the suffering I feel now the hunger, the hurt, and the deception of who I am and what I'm here for.

I was thinking about this on my way to the learning center.. Do you know if I get a job... I'm going to have to explain my dreadful scars because I can't wear a long sleeve all through summer, and I'll have to explain it in a way that makes sense... What I have come up with is that in the past I had an addiction and that addiction was self-abuse, self-destruction and through some extensive rehabilitation stuff I have found some stability and decided to attend College with a desire to have a future in the Police force. As my healing continues I realize that I would like to serve in my community until I feel fully ready to enter into the police academy... Until than I am looking for a job...
Sounds cheesy and stupid... I don't know how to explain this... This was by my own hand my own doing, I did this... I set the fall up of this brokenness in my life 34 stitches in my left arm, with some nerve damage... I did that... By my hands I have become a walking time bomb of self-destruction.

When I walked away from my dear friend... I talked to two of my greatest friends in Ontario trying to figure out the right decision... Trying to determine whether I should tell my dear friend that I'm not fully sure I can stay in Vancouver... not in a desire to run from anything... but a desire to strive for a future that's there for me... A future I struggle with reaching because as I'm in Vancouver I'm only seeing the negative... I'm only seeing the struggle and I'm only feeling the pain of the loss of friends, the pain of watching my friends make poor decisions in drinking, drugs, or whatever the case might be... Instead of being able to be a role model or mentor for them, I feel and sense myself returning to the feeble broken Jess that couldn't do anything but self-destruct because it hurt too much to watch my friends make those poor decisions and only stand at the sidelines.

I sense that my life is coming to an end... not in sense of death... but this chapter of College is coming to an end... I wish I could say I am looking productively for something else to do... or even some stability... I'm struggling to be able to recognize that I'm capable of these things, that I'm capable to comprehend those choices and decisions that may or may not define me as a role model... It's a lot more difficult when people don't give me a chance too...
Two things come to mind when thinking of my choices and decisions of the past... There are judgments that I am as messed up as my arms show I am, or I am a liability because who knows if I'm as stable as I think I am.

This is confusing time... A time of being completely and utterly alone with no real idea of what would be the best decision.
I've made a mess of things and yet even in this mess... I'm still here even if it's half ass that I'm here...

I feel the brokenness in me and it hurts and more now than before... I can't believe that I am someone who had to question the people in my life... I can't believe that I've come to this and because of it... I'm completely scared of what would be the right decision...


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

stand up

March 24, 2010
Stand up
I have had my moments of weakness today and trying to take on problems that do not belong to me, and trying to find the quickest way out of each of these moments in my life. All these things I am currently facing are not on my own they have also been brought on by family members.
I’m thinking of it now and even though I personally have no time to write I also know I can toss and turn for hours before needing to desperately analyze all these things so that no matter what I have to do what’s right for me. I know the sacrifice that will be made and I know how much it hurts my heart that I cannot help my family… In this past month I have struggled tremendously with food and have hardly eaten even as I write these words now. I have provided myself with a roof over my head, and I’ve tried time and time again to organize my life, organize my finances so that food is bought and paid for but unfortunately as my instructor said “life happens” and these are things that just happen and you have to make whatever you can.
The story straight as an arrow… There was miscommunication with some money that is owed to someone in my family member, and I screwed this one up… And explained rent has to be paid on our part so we keep a roof over our head... It was always the understanding but somewhere the communication got mixed up and because of that the sacrifice is great… I personally being me tried my best to figure out the solution to the problem… Thinking maybe I can sacrifice my phone for another two weeks, or maybe sacrifice buying food yet again… This is not the case! I have done everything in my power to help whatever way I can, but in the processing of this information tonight!! I realized something significant… This family member loaned money to my older sister more than what was lent to us, in my eyes that is more significant and huge! Really in the end… If this family member would have resisted their guilt and avoided my sister we would not be in this mess, and also let’s calculate how much money has enabled my younger brother for his drinking habit???
I have to be in the right in taking care of everything for myself… I have gone without food and I have gone sleep deprived thinking and dreaming of food. I have refused the help of friends because I know without a doubt I am fully capable of getting myself out of this mess… I have to be aware that I need to set limits! I can’t save my family from the choices and decisions that were made in lending money, it is a difficult decision that was made and therefore the price will be severe… Just as much I won’t enable my brother or sister for their drug or alcohol addiction, I will not enable the person giving them that money but trying to sacrifice my eating and my house over my head for their satisfaction.
It is difficult and life is tough and there are moments for me like tonight that I almost lost it and almost thought of the quick fix of alcohol or drugs or destructive path… I know full well where that will get me and I am not up for that game again… I have worked really hard to try and separate myself from that lifestyle of allowing myself to be surrounded by those people… I have worked really hard to make school my priority and try my best to be where I need to be. I owe enough debt right now and I at times feel like selling a piece of my heart, a piece of something just for quick cash but I know that it will also just get me into more debt which I can’t afford no matter what.
I need to breath at this opportunity to do something other than the quick fix… To fully comprehend what I was about to do what I was about to sacrifice… Realizing the things that were done in this last month and how much it cost… I know this is not the way to go!
I’m looking at my life and the accomplishments no matter the destruction and I’m fully capable of getting myself through this. I’m able to find a job at some point and start supporting myself and paying off all my debts. I know life is difficult and I know that a lot of the time I don’t feel as worthy of a good job, but I have a goal in mind… The more I look at the schooling I’m doing the more I see the leader in me rising up above all these things… I refuse to let myself settle for this life I refuse to let myself be accustomed to the destruction of life, and refuse to go hungry or even let my pride get the best of me… I can and will get through this because I am able… I will figure it out I will find my way and I will freaking make something of myself…
I refuse to feel guilty for the decision I made tonight in looking at my own self first because really I struggled tremendously today and there was no need for it! I will find a way to rise above these things in my life and I will find a good job, and I will get out on my own without question… I know there is greater things in life than this I just have to be as patient as possible to get through this… Just keep moving forward!

Monday, March 22, 2010

hope rises above

March 22, 2010
Hope rises above
How to describe the events of today or even in witnessing things of today? I’m thinking of it now and honestly the closest I ever got to a loving family, or even just this kind of love I witnessed all day was when I was in foster care in coquitlam. So for me to witness this here and now and with my lady, I am blown out of the water to see something so spectacular.
What an honor and privilege it was today to be part of something so small but yet just the way I took witness to these events of today it warmed my heart. I absolutely love it when love is enveloped that you can’t help but join in the laughter, or even witness these sorts of extravagant things that were happening today. It wasn’t about the places we went to see or what we ate, it was what I seen in each of their eyes that I could see something I hadn’t felt before, and even though I didn’t say much… I honestly was soaking in all the moments of joy, all the moments of unconditional love and trying to make a memory note of what it would look like to love someone without limits.
I was given the honor of hanging out with my lady and her parents as they went and checked out the sights of Vancouver and I loved it!! I’m not sure why I loved it, but I guess because I’m a sentimental person and I love these moments because reality is when life is as tough as it is, it’s important to take moments like the many I had today to revive my life, revive the hope that is now created within me to continue on… I felt like I was being given a purpose of what it’s like to love a kid, or what it’s like to enjoy moments of beauties of the city I now live in…
How could this be you know??? How could this happen how could life be like this for them? What in the world do I have to do to guarantee that this love will prevail and that this is what I want to pass onto my brothers and sisters, this is how I want to bring healing to my culture, how I want to share this with my uncle’s and aunties!!!
To imagine the things that were suffered for my culture and my history of the impact of the traumatic things in life! I want to let go of those barriers and I want to bring healing and I want healing in my life so that I might one day be able to love a man that way, and be able to have enough love that we could bring into our love a child! Oh my goodness do you know how much courage it takes for me to say that? I want that healing so that I could find that love within me to love others and myself.
I really loved today and I loved seeing that love of today, and I could speak of love today like crazy because it was so powerful… It was a powerful potion taken today, it was the sun with shooting stars in the sky, and it was eagles swirling around us bringing us hope! It was the rainbow in the sky promising that the sun will be back, the rain will stop!
Today was freaking amazing and I loved it so much!!! I loved knowing I mean the world to someone!! Do you know what that’s like??? Or even to be told that I’m like family? These are very powerful words to me and they came from someone who is great!! These are the people that give me the courage and grace to continue on with life, and share healing with the nations, these are the people that inspire me to become more and more of whatever it is that is within me to do better in my life.
What a day and I needed to write about it because it really blew me away! I could not believe my lady let me be a part of that joy and love. I could hardly believe that I had impacted someone that much that to even to have remembered it was only six months ago I tried to get my lady out of my life, or even that conversation we had I almost wanted to walk away and now to have had this moment in life… I can’t imagine these thoughts were in my mind! I really absolutely needed that I needed to hear that, know that and cherish that today was as remarkable as it was!
I am grateful for my lady and I am so glad that we have impacted each other’s lives the way we have! I know that we will do so many amazing things together and that one day everything that happened in the past will make sense… This is something I learned from my lady’s mom is that she regrets nothing in her life because it all was for a reason and purpose. So for me I have to learn to let go of the past and not regret the choices and decisions I’ve made because one day it will all make sense… That one day may not be today or tomorrow but it will come and when it does I will feel awesome about that!! Cause I feel like I’ve been living that way in regrets, in shame… and in that short time of being with my lady and her parents I learned some very amazing things that I will hold close to me just as close as I hold my lady to my heart, so do her parents words!!

Until than!! Good night and Happy belated birthday my lady!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

facing him

(because i dont have internet connection im writing them on word documents and adding them when i can)

March 17, 2010

Through all these moments I’ve had of the true greatness of having someone with me alongside me as I begin to even imagine facing the current circumstances in my life. Is it okay to say I’m scared once again and this time it’s more of early grief that I know will surface more as I continue to see my loved one suffer through his pain…? I avoid the emotion of it because I honestly don’t want it to be real… My uncle Henry has suffered a couple minor strokes and this last one apparently was pretty bad thankfully we went to see him the first weekend he was in the hospital…He spoke of getting out that day when really they had to keep him to be checked on by a specialist.
I’m not sure how often I’ve shared anything about my uncle. Obviously he’s been around all my life and I have pictures of him holding me as a little wee baby. He has been someone that I could turn to for whatever reason and he was always there for me when I was growing up. Just like any person he had suffered some pain from his past but as a powerful man he survived and got away from the destruction of his own addictions. Since then he had continued his work through SFU… Even in talking about it now my heart is starting to sink and I’m shedding tears… I can’t describe to you in enough words how much my uncle has meant to me. I remember when I was young it was before Jeffrey was born we were living by Grandview highway and I had no food and no money, my parents were high or drunk as always and the one shining hope was that my uncle came to visit… And he gave us money to go eat… Always through the years of my parents struggle with their lives my uncle was there taking care of us. When I came to and from Ontario my uncle’s were the men who always told me how proud of me they were that I made the right decision to take care of myself.
My uncle Henry is a very powerful man he attended the Simon Fraser University and he is respected and even though he went through all he went through… He was still able to share with others, and he even shared stories with us. During his recovery from his first attack he had started working on a family tree and I couldn’t be more proud of him, he has been working on it a long time. My uncle is a very giving man and he has always been a really awesome support in my life. It’s difficult to describe how much I respect and love my uncle. I have known him very well and seen the dark parts of his life and I’ve always seen his many accomplishments… I’m honestly scared to tell him what I want to tell him. I have to find the words to pertain to saying good-bye… I don’t think there should ever be a time of that… I know that I need to do this because I love my uncle a lot and what I want to tell him is that I love him, and I want to thank him for all he has done for me… All his love and care for me and my brothers and sisters, I want him to know that I want to live my life to the fullest extent and honor him in all I do. I have been given opportunity to have powerful people surround me; better yet I’ve had powerful family members with many stories…
If only this was the truth of it all if only this was what I was meaning to write about… Honestly it’s not I’m avoiding the real underlining of it all because I’m a child. Tomorrow would have been my father’s birthday and I’m thinking of him now and trying to imagine what it would have been like if he were alive. Is that childish or what? This grieving daughter still can’t let my father rest because every day I live I think of him and miss him…
My father would have been forty-eight years old and I was thinking about it on my way home… you know when I was a kid I remember making father’s day cards, birthday cards... I’m sure I attempted to make breakfast in bed too… I loved my father so much that it hurts to breathe in just thinking about him. So when I picture the event that’s going to happen tomorrow I know how important it is for me to share with my uncle how much he meant to me, because honestly I never really got to tell my father and everyday I’m alive I think of that.
I’ll share a little on my father… He was the greatest dad in the whole wide world!!! He loved me and my brothers tremendously and just like any other person he struggled from his past too. Yet even in his struggle there was always a place for me in his heart, he loved me and everyday he was alive I could feel his love, and I could truly point out tremendous moments of how he showed me that love. Every day for lunch my dad made me his specialty, and instead of being one of those men that couldn’t cry in front of others my dad was a real man he cried openly. My dad was a huge hockey fan and star trek fan. He had a special couch it was orange and when he was home and I came home from school I was always in his lap or on the arm of the chair. One specific memory I have and some might laugh but you never really know someone this is how you’ll know me. We were living in a three bedroom townhouse and my room was right across from my parents room and every day I would look across and see my father’s feet hanging over the bed as he lay there, it was funny he was really tall! When I was kid I used to be on his shoulders, he took me to Stanley Park, he took me to the sea bus. My father was truly a man that showed me the world, in the last months of his life while… Even in his difficulty of his addictions every time I got to see him… He would always give me whatever he had, it ranged from money, to patches to put on my future jean jacket, a bandana, many things and introduce me as his daughter to all his friends at Pigeon Park.
My father was a freaking king to me, he loved me without limits, and he was proud of me and I wish that I could celebrate his life celebrate his birthday with him… I struggle tremendously with death and those loved ones that die… But this one death this one man who died is the deepest root of all the sadness in my life, and I can’t seem to let myself get through those times, or even remember the things that I need to remember because I guess for me I suffered trauma from all that went on in my life after his death. I don’t know how to honor my dad I don’t know how to keep living when all’s I ever want is to be in his arms, and hear him tell me he loves me.
It will be a tough day… I know this and feel it already because I will be honoring my dad and thinking of him, but I will also be telling my Uncle how much he has meant to me all these years of my life! I hope that I make it through and make the right decisions but I’m extremely terrified. I’m more scared of my own emotions than the reality of it all, I don’t want to break down or anything… I just want to try get through the day as best as I can.
Wish me luck as I continue on my journey of whatever this season of my life is!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

desperate perspective

the words that need to be written because I realized today how much everything is affecting me in a way that cannot be described.. tonight I was on my way to meet some friends when I for the first times missed the little edge I wanted to jump off of... I know something is going on in my life when I have those kinds of thoughts trying to find the words is even more difficult... I stopped hanging out in areas that normally could find me at the respect of opinion of my lady..instead I went to visit my family and it was there that things started to really show it's true colors. The amount of crap that goes on at my mothers house is so difficult so unbearable that at times I find myself wanting to drink or even take drugs...Most people know i would never make that decision to screw up my life because I hold close to my past and the things that went on for me back then.. I know no matter what happens I do not want to see myself back in that state of mind of feeling trapped or scared or anything that would hold me back from a future..
What captured me today... Is realizing that those I care for the most I am seeing them destroy themselves and instead of being able to beat the crap outta of them to hope to strike some sense into them.. I have to wait at the sidelines hoping they will be okay. I've had a bad feeling for a while now, there have been nightmares and thoughts in my mind of what might go on there in this life anyhow...and I still cant do anything... I have to keep in mind that no one could help me now or in the past.. I had to have wanted the future to be the way it is now.. I had to strive and yearn in places I didn't know existed.. I had to taste the future and taste a better purpose in my own life before I can even desire it.. And now that its coming together...what I'm learning is that I have to fight.. I have to be for real about how i'm feeling and how difficult it is to make the right decision everyday when I know those i care for are making the poor ones.. you know how much I wish sadly wish that i could go back..but i know where that life would take me i know this is not what's meant for me and so I have to continue on this journey at whatever pace this is now and hope for something better.
It truly hurts you know? when you watch people you love get fooled into a life of destruction or when you see someone you love unable to defend themself afraid of that darkness that pain that was there in the past may relive and hurt and destroy something or even self.
Now speaking for real rather than the words I've chosen... Well I'm watching my mom become accustomed to allowing her ex-boyfriend back in the picture at the thought of him spending time with his kids...Instead he has emotionally wounded them and if his words actually meant something to them..to make those kids believe they would faill well than I wouldn't be say anything.. I honestly.. cant even remember or even feel it in my bones that my father ever said anything that destroyed my dreams or hopes or desires, or anything that discriminated me or made me feel small.. and yet here I am witnessing a piece of shit man treat his kids like crap and yet his excuse for coming to vancouver is to visit his kids..and yet very little to none have I seen him actually spend time with his kids.
Than not only that... Once upon a time I had tons of support tons of people I could reach out too when things became tough..Just to find out not even three days ago one of my supports left and moved on..and I am trying everything I can to not care but it bothers me greatly..because I felt like it didn't matter and there is no where to turn anymore and that news was completely crap and it's pointless..so now questioning all those who stayed behind I wonder if I even have made progress in my life.. as I fight all my coping machinisims.. fighting all my desire to get wasted or take drugs... I wonder how much have I really changed..the other time I wrote I said that we were supposed to be working through anger and yet I couldn't see myself going there because really underneath it all I'm scared of how much my anger completes who I am or who I feel I am... So really how much have I changed...and how long will it take before the rest of my supports are gone... it is completely stupid because now I feel like going backwards because I'm scared to continue on.
On top of all that crap.. I than have the one person!!! ONE!! one fucking person I want in my damn bulshit life...and he cant be here... Trevor has been in my life forever we grew up together and when my father died TREVOR was there for me in a way that NO ONE ELSE COULD BE! and yet even in that he is not here now nor can he be.. And it fucking breaks my heart because i love TREVOR so much... I said it the other day "I will hurt someone I care for to protect someone I would die for" Trevor has been my family forever and when the REST OF THE WORLD bailed on Trevor I was by his side protecting him, believing in him..and yet now he is not able to be there for me.. because of whatever reason.. just as much as people know trevor on different levels they dont know what he has meant to me.. the three years I've lived in Vancouver he has been my only family that has stuck by me through thick and thin, he is the one that walked with me in the darkness, he is the one that laughed with me, been a shoulder I needed... and this isn't fair that I am being treated this way because it makes me feel like shit! I HATE IT! I HATE IT SO MUCH!
Lastly the one person who is supposed to be the positive one, my lady! she is going through so much hell on her own that I dont feel like telling her anything because she needs to do what she needs to do... But at the same time I feel the distance coming between us because my phone is cut off and just everything...everything with her is slowing going away...not on purpose but because LIFE is gettin in the way... You know.. how great my lady is?? I dont remember when I told her but she knows my father's birthday is coming up! And she remembered...and that is how much my lady means to me! She knows things that I told her and she has cherished me greatly, and everytime that I am where I am, it's so difficult but I feel ashamed of being where I am because I dont want to hurt her, or let her down again..I'm so scared of this shit going on and I'm so tired of everything!
second lastly... I have classmates questioning the program at school...which in turn is discouraging me... because what's the point you know? whats this program going to do for me? and how worth it is it for me? there was only one reason I was in the program and we decided I decided that I'm insane and not ready for this next step in my life.. and than now.. its like..okay I'm not ready for that so whats this program going to do for me... Once again questioning it all..but knowing FULL WELL!! If i don't stick this program out I'm not going to get anywhere GOOD with my life because i'm freaking scared of not having this program.

I'm desperate for perspective. desperate for a friend to just do whatever friends do.. I'm scared...I'm angry..and I feel the volcano in me ready to blow because I'm getting so upset and so scared...so unknown territory that it's truly scaring me..

I have to find a way through this or else I'm afraid I'll make poor decisions again and for that I am scared... I know that I need to do what I need to do for me... I need to really consider myself..After all this constant work of taking care of myself.. I have to continue with that. I have been taking care of my body but now I need to take care of my mind and my spirit..because I feel the world and its influences creeping its way into making me feel like I need to destroy myself...and i cant do that on any account I have to keep living and keep fighting... Keep moving forward!


Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Im not sure how relevant this would be in talking about this.. I was walking down the drive with a friend who just lost two of his closest family members... I was looking at myself and thinking of a counselling appointment I had just had.. I realized that in the end in dealing with my emotions I'm terrified. I will hide from them, avoid them... as I am an avoider. I am too scared to deal with the emotions that are underlining of the anger that sits and lives within me.
I felt like an idiot today in talking about change for myself, thinking about it as I was coming to this appointment. I was thinking how much I had changed.. I had put away the blades put away the things that prevent me from being the beast... but than I walked into this opportunity for change and avoided it..
I'm scared to deal with those things.. I'm not sure how safe I would be in dealing with those things that are underlining to my anger. I feel like right now.. with all the dreams, nightmares and ideas of being afraid for my life.. The things that are going on with my family and the protector I need to be right now.. How could I imagine dealing with my anger when I know that right now I feel I need to be angry.
It bothered me that I could not voice this in my session.. but i'm scared.. I say that with my head facing to the ground, shame in my heart. I'm scared of dealing with the emotions, of letting go of the anger that has kept me alive and breathing to this day.. I know my way of dealing with things in anger has nearly destroyed me on so many horrible occassions but I also know it's to me in my eyes my safe zone. I dont know much else other than expressing anger..
If ever a time came that I could change I am up for it!

One thing I learned in leaving that session is just the idea of learning about this anger. It doesn't mean I have to change, this could be like this last course just shit thats absorbed in my brain that maybe one day a tool I could use..
Is that crazy????

I think it's crazy.. I'm afraid of my own self. I'm scared of the anger that rages over and explodes that terrifies me.. I'm scared of the feelings that may be hidden underneath the anger that may effect me or hurt me or others. I dont feel that I could producitvely work through these emotions when i feel like right now my life is on the line. I know to others to some it's stupid to think, but when you look at whats going on in my city, whats going on in youth's minds.. it is than it is when you see drunken youth mobin on others, see fights breaking out.. thats what comes to my mind is that one day it's going to happen to me..
I am fighting to stay alive. fighting without using my fists and hope to keep it that way. I have not adopted any relation to any gangs, I have tried my best to be me and all that I am hoping is meant for me..
I have the opportunity to heal and find my way through these circumstances in my life.. I have the opportunity to not be angry anymore..and the only thing that comes to mind.. is how terrified that makes me feel.. I dont know what I would do without my anger, how to productively be angry without fighting, or share the image of fear implanted in those that around me.

If the times comes.. I will try my best to be open to the idea of dealing with anger.. but for right now for today..it's too much to ask of me..because I dont want to see where this would take me.. the road that will come from dealing with all these emotions... I'm not sure I want too even though really I do I don't.. lol if that makes sense... I just have to find a way..

i dont know..

I gotta go.. I'm glad I got to write...cause I really needed that!