Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I could hardly allow myself to read my last entry due to time, I'm in a crutch of wanting to check out the beautiful traditions of drums, but am concerned with my last entry... As great as it is for me to let my blog be my outlet...

I realize also updates are important not just for my blog readers, but even for myself when I find the time to read back...

Today is my father's 14yr death Anniversary... I'd rather say I'm not alone however this is not the case but even if I have people supporting me in all sorts of ways even if they are not with me physically.

I must take a moment and say I've made the right choices and decisions to continue on with my life and find the supports as helpful as I can as difficult as it has been for me to reach out to them, I have found them to really help me in the most difficult times such as now.

I complain and nag about the idea of needing others to be in my life as a comfort or support of whatever kind. I have found myself being so distant and scared all but one... the one person who has disappointed me, hurt me, whatever choices she made for whatever reasons... she is still a big part of my life even if I don't want her to be... I've found the strong desire to have her around as much as I can even if it's only for a cup of coffee.. Her presence in my life keeps me real, and keeps me knowing I'm not alone even when I might I feel I am.

I'm learning a lot about where I'm at in my life... and although it's not my ideal place that I wish to be, I'm not in a hurry to get through it because I realize my life all these events in my life have been waiting yearning for me to get into this place that I am now... and for the first time I will say I am in a grieving process the losses in my life have been very significant had it's been on my mind, and in my heart but not labeled... although I am scared to admit that I feel I am grieving the many losses in my life, I also realize how necessary it is for me to go through this process to hopefully get better..
I have medically proven not only am I not "crazy" I also am not depressed. I have proof from my family doctor, we are all in agreement that the events in my life have caused me to be in the place I am now... I don't regret but hope that through time and patience I will embrace who I am and what reasons I am still here.

I have found myself very involved in my community and this is something I'm trying to run too at the moment... but I've stayed involved around those who are positive influences in my life, an I have reached out to those I trust and care for to help me in tough moments I face each day. I am very blessed to have the knowledge and discernment that I do have to make proper choices and not completely self-destruct because really it's not what I want.

Although it's been really tough not being in class I have another week before that starts I have filled my time with some amazing community opportunities, I've joined self-defense, and I've been involved in hoping to join some drum groups, dance classes, and many other activities to fill my time... wisely and safely.

emotionally... well that's a new topic that I hardly know how to explain. I know one great example that I use for me right now... is shattered glass... drop a glass to the ground and then you'll have an idea of where I'm at with my life at the moment... the difficult thing with feeling this way is I'm finding that I've hurt those I care for the most and in that I feel a sense of guilt for the choices I've made, although now I don't regret them because it is by those choices that got me to this openness I'm at now.

Either way... I'm where I must be and carrying on whatever way I can and hope that as I continue to learn about the wilderness I feel in my heart, continue to the journey to the future, I hope that I do make it there... I hope that even though I feel alone I know I'm not... I have so many people looking out for me and I have so many things to look forward too but sometimes I need those reminders...and I definitely need to know I'm not alone because that's one thing that really gets me real crazy..

things at the moment... even in all the darkness... I feel a sense of hope and I am very happy to be apart of my community and looking forward to the future and the events that may take place. I am glad that I have vented, ranted and raved about my troubles in the past. but I only hope that I can find the balance through these times in my life.. the sense of grief has kept me in a day by day trial and so far as difficult at times as it is to have "grief bursts" I have surrounded myself with good people... I'm very lucky and blessed!

As for my father's death anniversary... I honored him today in everything that I had done and I know that wherever he is I know he is safe, and he knows how much I love him, cherish him, and miss him... seriously he was a great man! and although it hurts as much as it does now that I finally recognize where I'm at in my life I see opportunity to heal in this area of my life! so I hope for good reports but will not be afraid to share anything as it is my greatest expression!

OH YEAH! I also apparently am great at Expressive Art Therapy!! Can you believe that? I am very artistic! I never thought I would like that kind of stuff, but I'm more into the Pastels! Make that very clear how much I love using pastels and expressing myself in that way is so fun and calming too!

well I am off to run into my buddies and beautiful traditional drums, believe me I need them right about now!

thanks for listenning!


R.I.P Daddy March 18 to October 26-27 33yrs old! I love you! <3

Thursday, October 22, 2009

telling the truth

The case conference was a lot different then I thought it would be and it was beyond difficult to be looking in the eyes of those who cared for me speaking there heart, speaking there mind and whatever else they were doing. It hurt me more then I wanted it too and it got me right away thinking of how to lie about the pain, lie about the thoughts, and just lie all together so that if something comes from this well it wouldn't be known to anyone.
What an idiot I feel I am being... I don't know what's going on in my head why things are acting this way, and why my heart and mind just want me to walk away. I find myself more terrified hearing how they spoke of my lady... I couldn't believe what I had let come into my life... How the hell can I be so stupid, so vulnerable so just stupid! Do you know how much it will hurt me if this lady, no lets not say it! But it's been years and I mean years and years since I trusted anyone in my life and let them be so close to me... Do you know how terrified I am that all in unison agree that this lady friend of mine is deeper than anyone could ever go! I want to swear I want to scream, and I want to run away from everything that has happened. Down a bottle of booze, cut myself again because I'm scared! I'm so freaking scared that someone is in that deep that she can sense my heart, my feelings, and where I'm at.
Trembling in fear and feeling scared.. I am stagnant in my life at the moment because hearing that this is something that's really here makes me want to figure out find the way out of this, and then my support my other support said I could push and push and she'd go no where. She wouldn't have to go anywhere I'd just shut her out. Stop attending my appointments and get myself back into the old lifestyle of the destructive ways of my life.

Now I know what I should be thinking and the way I'm thinking now is only going to harm me in some way and it's going to get me closer and closer to the days of my life that will be numbered and may not exist everyday. It's hard to imagine hard to be in a place of others believing in me and telling me this is going to pass. How could this pass? Why did people, why did I let this happen! The consequences of this choice and decision of opening my heart are too risky the future of this relationship will only hurt me.. That's one thing for certain not only is she human, she will and has hurt me, has to disappointed me and no matter what I do... I'm so stupid for letting myself letting all this be where it's at!

My other supports damn it do you know how difficult it was to feel that way! To feel anything to freaking have to feel anything is beyond anything!


Tell me though tell me how to keep moving forward when I feel that all that I love and care for is all being left behind! Those closest to me those I love more then my lady, more then my own life's worth and people are asking me to move forward! How the hell am I supposed to move forward when all I love is left behind! stuck in their turmoil of grief, pain, and all that has oppressed them! I can't do it! I don't want to do it! I am struggling to move forward and then when I look back those I love the most are still where they've always been. You ask me to quit drinking, quit cutting, fine but don't ask me to move on without those I care for the most. I can't do it...
These are people who've stayed with me through the darkest of times, those who love me and care for me tremendously... They have always had my back, always been my number one and now your asking me to look at myself, better myself, my mentality, my future! When all's I could see is the pain in their eyes I can't figure out this...

But then...
You have my lady... this woman this lady! this option for a better future, a better place of my life, a light of my world in my darkness, a shoot star! A reason to fight to live a reason to enjoy life even if for but a moment. Someone who's been in my life for near six months that loves me and cares for me without limits, but better then anything she's chosen to not let alcohol and drugs control her life, she has chosen the goodness of the world. to fulfill her destiny as an amazing woman to change the world and be so great. That's hard to figure out because this is an opportunity for me to do better in my life, an opportunity to hopefully become a role model to others with love and courage I have with my lady, the light she brings in my life... We could be best buds forever, we could do many talented things to change ourselves and the world we live in........... sounds great right? sounds like there's nothing to lose right? I'll tell you what I'll lose! I'll lose the protective mechanism that keeps her somewhere in my heart but still a little a fraction of distance, the cost of this relationship will require me to let down my guard completely.

I'm battling within myself of the choices and desires I have for anything and everything... The support system is asking me to work through some very specific things that may help me but because they are so close to me and my pain they could also trigger me... I'm worried for that because I don't need to open these doors in my life knowing that I may become triggered by a memory, or the grief that who knows what will happen to me... I can't believe the support system I can't believe what I will do to heal... I'm terrified and I'm not sure if I'm completely willing to choose this lifestyle and I'm freaking worried! there is no reassurance this is faith thing, this is trusting those who are supporting me and moving forward because they are telling me it's safe and I'll get there... That's lot for me to put out there... There is hardly anyone I would trust with any of these things and I'm not sure if it's going to be that worth it!

I don't know anymore! I'm crazy!!! not! lol I'm learning no matter what I am never crazy I'll never be crazy and I won't have to implant this in my head! I'll be okay! just need to decide at the right future or the right decision..

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


The idea of a support system and their places and times in my life is so much that sometimes or even now I'm not sure how it will work. In a week I will be meeting with everyone of my supports all in one, a conference of support. My concern is that there are hidden things that some may not know, some may have heard, or something that's been hidden.
I need a much needed distraction of my support because I'm worried about it and the worry and cause and concern is unbearable. I wish that I was talking as a whole of my supports but only one... Only one person, one support that I worry about and therefore I worry for this support. I am doing this as a way of making things stronger or so that I'm not anywhere I should not be...

School is a distraction believe me it is it has proven to be more of a task of things added to a list that I must get to as often as I can... I like it though but at times like now the pressure is a little difficult and I find myself struggling to find the concentration needed for this project. I have a presentation on Saturday, paper due tomorrow which I just finished writing. And a moment... breath a moment of greatness just came in and left.. and I needed to write about it...
I'm not where I want to be, and I am not where I should be... But to be accepted by someone where I am it's a pretty significant thing for me. Not just by any person but a guy and therefore the idea of it becomes a little more then it should be in my mind, but to be treated with respect and all that just for a moment... While it's awesome... I love it!

To get involved in my community is awesome and I love it... I have the opportunity to see guys in a different way on a different level of importance to me. I have noticed in my own places and times of life I have found that men have played a role of being a brokenness in my life.. There has always been only one guy that I feel that was a very important person and as I continue to grow in my community, in community events I am starting to see men in a new way. Very significant and therefore makes the walk to healing a little more tangible.

Emotional wise... the emotions to discuss is a little more deep then I'd like to express. I noticed this in myself that I am fine with surface things now but when someone asks me about the ledge, when someone asks me about some things... I am quick to close that door. I'm happy to be open about different things but to be open about one time frame of my life it's a lot stuff that I can't or don't feel that I can express. I feel a little bad that I am doing this.. I mean even today I was told that I deal with things in my time, and if someone tries to make me deal with something I know I should but when it's not done on my time I'm not able to open that door. I shut down and close off to those things. One thing that has also been told to be is that when I close off to friends it's like a major disconnection of things that must be done and the price for it is a little more then I can handle.. but it's a must do in a protective shell of myself and my life.

Emotional wise I'm lost in a pool of things that I can't seem to very often find myself okay. I don't want to be too happy but I also don't want to be too sad... Today I find some balance in my moment of greatness. A desire grows in me to continue to find greatness of balance. I wish that I could share these things with those I care for most but I also see that even if I move an inch.. just an inch I'll find a place of collapse and I'll only hurt those I care for the most. A risk I'm not willing to take because I love people love these specific people way too much to continue to put them in the risky lifestyle I've chosen to live.

I'm scared to say I'm happy... Even just for a moment... but those few moments ago I felt it... and I worry about it... because I feel unworthy of it but I also have to try give myself a little bit of slack of letting these moments come in.. Because it's only in these moments of happiness that I am able to make it through the rest of my life. Or just tomorrow ;)
The struggle of my life has become a little difficult but something I want to pursue and if I don't make it while at least I tried. right now all people are asking of me is that I try and that's all I could do, and if I fail at trying while that's okay... I can fail but if I die from trying while you can't say I died without trying!


Friday, October 9, 2009


WOW! In a day of struggle that I struggled yesterday however I reached out to the right people in those moments I needed help and guidance or support as some might say ;)
However it's got me back to this place... this place of utter seclusion utter fear and a desperate cry for help as I once again find myself at a place of grief. To many people grief means so many amazing things, so many amazing opportunities but to me... grief means something so scary and dark an unknown place that I am too scared to go too. however I realized that its only as I walk through this grief that I'll truly find my healing and although for this moment for today Im okay with going through grief... I know that everyday is a different day and that emotions will well up in me and I'll be scared, and I'll feel unsafe but that's something I like about my supports...

I have a counselor, a psychologist, a mentor, a outreach worker, doctor, and a friend. we are all coming together on a specific day to have conference... it's kind of strange an funny all my people are coming together to think of how to serve me better, for everyone to be on the same page of how to help me in this process of healing... A rocky road I have already felt the effects of it, and have already considered everyday of turning back going back to that ledge... but a fear is so engraved in my soul of ever being on that ledge ever again and I have to fight my own self when it comes to the easy way out.
Anyhow although those are the main people coming to my conference meeting it's not the just because if you really wanted too.. We'd be inviting Unya, JIBC, Bladerunners, and all sorts of people who are in my life on a daily basis or were in my life at a time.. However thats not why Im doing this... Honestly I dont know why Im doing this just that I am... In hope that I would never find myself on that ledge never find myself in that desperate place of needing to scream so much..

I'm not sure how many times or if I had talked about Officer Michelle... If I haven't while she was the officer that came to talk to me on that ledge.. And although yesterday there were some feelings deep within me that did not sit well with me... My psychologist in all her glory shared with me what a joy it could be to have had someone go beyond the call of duty to help me, to be someone in my life and not just be a badge number and person. It's with this realization that I have more of an appreciation for Officer Michelle.. It does not try an excuse whether I was happy or sad about coming off that ledge... I have wrote it many times in my journal how it's felt to still feel on that ledge in my mind, I might physically not be there but emotionally and mentally I still find myself contemplating the reasons or desires for coming off that ledge.
I have anticipated a call from Officer Michelle but she said it'd be a few weeks so I wait everyday in being able to share a bit of this situation with her through my eyes. I would like to see her again but am sure if it doesn't come together it's okay because no matter what she'll always be more to me then an officer of the law... she was a person, a caring person for me that night, a friend I needed... and nothing can take that away from me..

My psychologist suggested that I keep a record of these good moments to help get me through this moments of times of grief.. I will keep Officer Michelle with me alongside a few other things..

Now I'm sure many are wondering why I'm thinking or writing about grief. Honestly its the only place I've never looked, only place I've been buried under and only place I've never found the courage to go.. I want more out of this life of mine but can't get past the grief.. I had never been told about grief I have surely felt the horribleness of grieving for loved ones... But I've never had someone tell me about it in a way or time that I could understand...Until now.. As I struggle with 589 I also see it so intertwined with my father's death and in these deaths I have found... that I had buried them in a place far away from me but yet not far... Because every so often I'd feel it and react on it in drinking, suicidal thoughts, or just some foolish choice I'd make... Trying to bury it in my soul, bury it away in a small place... but the effects have overwhelmed me and now force me to deal with this time, this place, this person that I've become.

In order to move forward. In order to become all I hope to be... I must open this door... this door that's been hidden, hidden with lies, with pain, with sorrow, and with many regrets. I hid it away in fear of seeing it and in fear that if I truly faced it that I'd truly and utterly fall apart and suffer so much pain that I'd take my own life..
However I must say that even just opening the door to me it's a big step, to acknowledge this place and time in my life... is to acknowledge that I know I'm not all I hope to be.. But I'm willing to find a place of rest, find a place of dealing with these two deaths that have signified the brokenness in my soul... And when I think of brokenness I thought of being emotional, being so beyond repair, so a basket case of emotion, and I don't love emotion all that much... so when I think of brokenness I think of being emotional.. however what I did not consider is that this is a place of my life, brokenness to me is different from others...
In my brokenness it's become not too overwhelming that I can't handle, and it's not something I feel I can't bare. It's a little bit of a little bit... It's a place of slowly but surely dealing with it..

In my brokenness... in my place of where I'm at I don't find it unbearable. I find it to be a place of fear and scared... But I also am okay... Regardless you know...
Today I'm feeling okay in finally knowing what it is that I am going to deal with and what kind of place I will get too. It's okay with me and it's a process and everything that I will see how it goes. But I hope that even in all of these things I hope that I find myself, find my heart and find that this door this darkness this utter pain, and despair to not be squeezing the life out of me...

All a process.. Believe me when I say everyday will be a different day and today I might be okay but tomorrow is another day, and so on... It's all a choice but it's also this process of healing and place of everything...
But for now I'm here... and I look forward to trying and I mean really utterly trying to get through this time in my life. I can't promise anything but I can only TRY and hope to find it within myself to get through these dark places...

Until then I will see how it goes... For now I'll be going to class this weekend, working through this book on grief and keeping my bases covered with my support network... This is all I can do and it seems just moving that little bit it's made me see something new, something different but something in a sense of Healing.


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

dont wanna do this anymore

The cycle continues...dark clouds continue to envelope me an desperate need to overflow with emotion but that door has been closed... There's a constant storm of events in my life that cause me to be at this point... One major thing is an anniversary is coming up and therefore I feel the burden of it.... I've been thinking of it tremendously and trying to find a way to explain it.. I would say in these terms...it's worse then carrying luggage it's a weight on my shoulder, a burden more that I am carrying and each day I try to straighten out and breath just for a moment...But just to do that takes all my energy and I feel overweight of this burden on me.
However in the next hour it'll change... as paraphrased... the paintbrush comes out and I pretend for a while that everything is as it should be... In an hour my mother and youngest sister will be in my area and so I'll see them...and in that time I'll play this facade of who I am just to keep them at ease, at a distance...
When I go home tonight it'll be there the weight and the fear. as if welcoming me home to the point of despair... How I wish for one moment that I could breath that I could see this beautiful day as it is... and yet I'm still here... in this place scared and worried tremendously of these things...

How I long so badly so tremendously for that one day to just be okay you know? Since being out of the hospital I find myself so much weight so much burden and so much fear... so much so much that it's unbearable... Once school starts I wont worry as much because I'll throw myself into school... My counselor told me to invest in supports more and not be so lost in this time alone but I'm scared too you know? How much more can regular people be ready for me? Whereas the people trained for this job are able to help me the proper way... I don't know I'm still considering the choices I have with my support people...
I keep thinking if I breath enough if I straighten my posture enough maybe this weight will be lifted off me...How I am very wrong... The weight continues to grow in me and I'm feeling so out of place when I was on Broadway today all's I could think about is how I need to be back at Skidrow I needed to be there... I don't know why but I just needed it...Only when I was there did I feel better and feel just for a brief moment I was okay to be okay to be this way..

Times running out for me to feel this way... Soon enough I take out the paintbrush, this shell of whatever it is and become someone completely different... I have enough people worrying about me that I just don't need this any more... I don't want my friends or family members to worry... although I'm not sure how hopeful I am being... I just so desperately want to get out of this you know? so desire it so much to just one day...Just for one day not feel this way.... I want just one day where I can see the beautiful ocean, see those beautiful mountains, to feel the beautiful ray of sun shining down on me, just one day you know? It's too much to ask for someone like me... I'm worried about myself and worried but trying you know? Each day I'm still here and that's all that matters... At some point in some time I'll get through this and I'll find my purpose and reason and until then I'm still here...

However I was at Family night last night...Oh for a brief moment while those drums were playing oh man was I happy to be there.. So tonight I will return again once again to the west-coast family night and feel the drums again... Oh how I wish I could sing, play a drum, dance... Throw myself into such a powerful culture for now I'm on the side lines but soon enough I'll be where I need to be... I've got the right people who are helping me see the strength and tremendous beauty it is to be a First Nation person... I love it really I do... Just as much as I had found my strength in the idea of a Police Officer now I find it in my culture... So I have something to look forward to tonight and that just for that it changes my mood too you know?

I'm still scared... Still afraid of the outcome of my choices and decisions or the one's that have already been made... I'm scared of tomorrow... I'm terrified of tomorrow and hope if I do breakdown that someone will be there to help keep me safe because I'm scared.. you have no idea the hollowness of my soul how it longs to out poor all these things... I need it so badly and tomorrow is the ultimate test of my heart and I pray to God that he'll find someone someone to be there for me for this one brief moment.. One brief moment let me be okay.. If I break down let that be okay and let me be okay for that moment.. I hope it's okay.. either way that's enough I guess..


Monday, October 5, 2009

one change

I'm going to share something I wrote in my journal as it is something I find significant in my life

October 4, 2009
I'm an Alcoholic...I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable when alcohol is in the picture. There is no feeling of relief as I say these words I'm angry and furious that I cannot manage alcohol. I can't go out and have two drinks with the self control. When I think of alcoholics I think of a constant black out state of mind, all money goes to alcohol, and just a filthy life lived in the presence of alcohol. I never thought that my life that I would struggle with something so small and yet here I am.
I see the patterns my life in terms of when Sh** gets too rough or when I feel a sense of failure it is only then that I feel like drinking but that is where I'm powerless over alcohol.. It upsets me...I hate the idea of being a statistic and that I am not able to be like others to enjoy one drink... I cant enjoy live music, dancing or any of that... I'm angry because I admit I have a problem with liquor is just so fuc*** up to me... But in just reading the first step of how my life is powerless an unmanageable...
I don't like it I hate that I have to admit it... How did I get here? and why did I get here? I'm scared to figure out what is fun for me because I had some fun while drinking... It was only when I didn't stop myself that I could not manage myself and my foolish actions... I'm ashamed to admit that I am powerless over alcohol..it makes me feel like I have truly become my parents.
Just thinking of that makes me want to fail or fall away because I never wanted to be my parents and I guess admitting this is to admit a true reality and opportunity to change my life before it gets worse. Although after all the scars on my body I'm not sure how much it has changed you know? How could I admit this change and when Ive got all these scars and just for that it would be how could I enjoy life and the person I am to become if I've got a drinking problem and scars that could have destroyed my life!
It makes me angry that I had to admit this..because to me it means I became my parents it doesn't matter if it was only two years of my life it still to me means a failure to live and strive for greatness. Its taken me a lot to make it to this point...But I honestly and utterly hate myself I hate everything I've become.. And for that I want to fall apart because it scares me.
Seriously...At 24yrs old I admitted that I'm an alcoholic that alcohol is a poison to me and releases the beast of burden..it makes me self-destruct.
I hate that my life my path in life must change that I cant utterly cant enjoy life.. I mean in all the times of drinking I was not always this messed up. I had fun times I had good times but its in the last six to nine months that alcohol became a poison to me... Well maybe that's not true but I hate that I have to admit this time in my life. I have found myself powerless and my life flipped upside down because I had to admit something like this... But I guess for me to admit that I honestly have a drinking problem well it means there is opportunity to change..and...
Honestly I can't stop thinking about this. I cant even truly comprehend what it truly means to admit I have a problem drinking. it makes me sad. I don't know who I am or what my purpose in the world but I admit that I don't know except that I know I can't drink, and I can't freaking do this anymore.
Everything I've ever been everything in my life all I've learned and all I've known is to say its all full of Sh**... These things I must tear away at and rip them from my inner being in hope to do better,be better and I don't know what that looks like but that I cant be everything I've always been because so far it continues to bring me in this cycle. And to admit that I have problem is to admit that my life is not the way people like Dave, Uncle Henry, Uncle Dave thought I could be. Its to say my life became what I dread and that is the vicious cycle of family history... I admitted that I have a problem and now its like I'm in the cycle that everyone thought I wasn't... I was the good child the one that didn't throw her life away into addictions, the one who could not live my life the way my family did... What am I going to do with myself?
I feel real sh**** that I had to admit this and I shouldn't feel this way but I hate that everyone was right about me! I feel like I failed at not being a part of that cycle. I've thought of my father a lot and I really wish.... I mean my psychologist asked if there was one wish what would it be? It would be that one day! One fuc*ing day as my father walked out of the house... that was the last time I seen him sober and clean. I wish I could run after him... say to him "daddy daddy please don't leave I need you, drinking and drugs is not the answer and say dad if you go you will die on Oct 27 and put me through the worst pain I could ever feel and because of that dad... I'm going to choose self-destruction I'm going to hate myself and my life and I'm going to suffer unimaginable pain at the hands of men. I wish I could stop him tell him dad I feel like its my fault that your not here... Its my fault that you left if you hadn't heard from me that mom did what she did you'd still be here... and because of that I will suffer so much pain and feel unworthy and unforgiven for everything in my life."
If I could change one thing it would be to tell my father that and have that change where he is now... That's what I wish I could change...for that I think my life would've been different.. my dad spent tons of time with me there's hardly a time I remember him not being there.. Today my mom told me that my dad probably took me to Stanley Park and to the seabus to spend time with me.. its in these ways I know truly and utterly that once upon a time I was loved unconditionally... I didn't have to do anything but be his daughter and because of that he loved me unconditionally... its since his death that I feel like I have utterly failed and would never be whole again. 589 is the true test of how utterly broken and messed up I am in my own self-destructive path.

An entry...I felt like sharing... my life is still up in the air I don't know where I am going, what I am doing... I only hope to reach out before I really and utterly end my life in a not great way. today I was at a memorial service and hope that I wont let those I love suffer the pain that the man talked about... I really hope to find my way through these dark waters before I make a poor decision... I have to reach out! I HAVE TO SCREAM!!! YELL that I need help, I need resources, and I need people to come alongside me don't fight for me, fight with me... don't tell me how to live my life be an example of a life well lived!
Don't worry if you catch me on Skidrow I'm not doing drugs that place lately has been my home I find myself there to see the life that was...that could have been and that is why I am there.... I will never choose to drink or do drugs anytime soon but I need to be there in order to feel like I'm getting somewhere in my life...

Another 24hrs.

Friday, October 2, 2009

struggling with my own self

The last time I wrote I was living...living life in school living life in the pressure of school... trying to throw my support people aside so that I could live a better life... However since then a lot has happened... I made yet another poor decision but honestly don't regret it because its by these problems that Im able to be where I am today...to see things a little differently..
I was at a three hour stand off trying to end my life...alcohol was a factor yet again... the events that led me up to that ledge was that I felt that I had failed... failed at protecting those I love and care for the most and could not be strong... I was pressured with throwing my life into school, all my energy all of everything... I made the decision to go to College and try make a better time of myself..

We can't change until we know whats going on, can't move forward until we know where we've been. the biggest news I heard after three hours and being taken off that ledge....was that I have struggled with life and death since I was a kid... I talk often about being accustomed to being okay with drinking and drugs... but all these things are self-destruction... just as much as I didn't drink regulary and didn't do drugs...i accustomed myself into a self-destructive state. always believing wholehearitdly that I would fail... I would never become a Police Officer and I would always struggle with my mental health.
One thing I learned since that day is that I play mindgames... lots of people have told me this lots of people have tried to tell me this...but not many people have actually helped me get out of this state of mind, or show it to me in a new way... thankfully my pschyologist had told me this in a way that I'd understand where I am and where I've been...

Im really glad I didn't jump....I was afraid because I didn't really want this to be my life forever you know? to struggle to live and struggle my own demons of self-destruction... but I've for the first been given the tools to reach out to people...reach out to resources...and the more I continue to battle my own self the more it seems I have people to fall back on... that night as I was on that ledge the officer that was there officer Michelle as I know her... she really helped pull me back and although I wanted to jump I also wanted to know if I could live?
I dont really remember much of my conversation with officer Michelle but I know she spoke with sincereity and she really tried to care and she helped take me off that ledge....I may not be able to become a Police Officer but I want to support them in their fight to change the world.. I dont know what the future looks like but as I know it in the next year of my life I wont be entering into the Police academy..
Lots of people are telling me to give up school.. to turn my back on the fight to be in school... this is not the answer for me... I just need to find the balance a proper transition into school... to have my support of friends and family as well as maintaining my stuff with school...

This is the first time Im really not looking at the surface events of my life..new scars, new heartache...but actually looking deep within myself...why do I do these things? i may not be like all other aboriginal people....but I still carry the same customs in self-destruction whether it be by drugs, alcohol, or self-abuse... I have the opportunity to change...to become something more then this.... I talk so often about wanting to help change the outlook on native people, and the effects of the downtown eastside...never really looking at myself and where I've been and how I've gotten here...
so for the next few months years, or days...the only thing I can and need to focus on is myself... I need to know why I kept jumping on the ledge, why i seen blades as my only friend, and why I believe so strongly why people dont deserve a person like me...I've always only been about my own pain, my own self-destructive path... I dont want my life to be this way. I dont want to always be writing about the heartache and pain I suffer... I want more outta life...I want to see the beauty the way that people see the beauty of this city, and I want to see myself as a person who deserves the life thats been given to me...

Today officer Michelle gave me a call... a woman's voice I remember hearing and believing.. i thought she was like all about I dont know...but she seems different and the insight she gives me now gives me a different outlook on life... on the life of a Police Officer...or the life they live.. the downtown eastside they hope to change... I really appreciateed the phone call.. it really made me really happy...because she really has a lot of greatness about her...and maybe I wont become a Police Officer but I always want to help people like her make better of the downtown eastside and the voice of aboriginal people..to no longer be shut because of whatever it is... if that's all I can do as close as I can get to becoming a Police officer is to share my story with them and help them see the job they could do well, or the things they could change...then I would feel I've done my part...
Who knows....maybe in the next ten years my life will change..maybe I'll find the true and utter healing of my life to be sure Im never on a ledge or with a blade... because deep down this experience taught me that I found it within myself to live... I dont want to die... I don't want to end everything...I truly want to live..and for the first time Im only looking at myself...Im not looking at the customs my people have been cut too..Im only looking at myself..and what it was those many many years ago that cause this self-destructive beast come into my life..and be my supposed friend and keep making me feel that I dont have a choice or a voice...

I hope that I do make it...and that I do find that place thats dark in myself...and that as I reach those places that I will continue to have a support system that will help me breakdown so that I could pull myself back together without those self-destructive behaviours...thats my only hope and prayer and maybe one day I'll be able to be there for other people the way my support has been there for me...
Thank you to Officer Michelle for calling...and for being there..maybe you are yet another support, or maybe your there to learn from me...what I've known all my life...and maybe the reasons we were there was so I could shed light and that you could share your stories with me too...