so... I have wanted and yearned to write but avoided it.. because I don't really want to say it! but its at a boiling point for me now..
on top of all the shitty things in my life.. actually no not the shitty things.. cause honestly this time has shown me how strong I am on my own, and how i don't need anyone. being a single mother, working full time, and dealing with my high stress job, and staying close to my family, and maybe once a month finding one night out for myself.. well I'm a fuckin rock star of greatness
but...
even in all my strength.. one thing weakens me.. one thing that is like kryptonite to superman, this is my kryptonite and its relationships.. not intimate ones.. believe me I'm far from ever wanting that.. it's hard enough life don't need it more complicated.
however friendships.. people I loved and adored for what 8 yrs? friendships, connections that have gone very deep within my soul, rooted in all my beauty of love and devotion, commitment etc?
all of these connections, all these lasting connections I thought I had.. vanished! literally vanished! I recently wrote a post on Facebook asking if anyone would be willing to go stand with me in court and very very very (one) responded to say yes. it showed me for the first time..
all those wonderful people I spent years admiring are gone..
life changes.. cycle changes? whatever the fuck changes.. fuck changes!
it happens often.. and its part of life.. its part of reality of our lives, and its my human being soul piece to miss, want, and yearn for that connection, to want to avoid that change. but reality is sinking in.. that those people I loved.. are gone
the only thing I have as their memory is memories itself.. once upon time we were there, or hearing their voice, feeling their eyes.. whatever the fuck it is..
I hate it!
yes in a way it's my way of saying I miss them. but I'm in a place right now where I hate them! I hate that I became vulnerable, I hate that I loved them, and let them love me! I hate that I spent years of my life connecting, and everything just to see it gone..
it happened when I was younger too..
all those beautiful relationships I had for years on years is also gone.. and it's part of life. believe I've been through it!
but this I thought was different.. I thought these lasting connections could handle a bomb, a natural disaster I thought it was going to be forever..
regardless it's not. and I hate it.. I hate how I am reminded of it.. of them. and of their love and connection, I hate that on my birthday a day we usually celebrated no one even remembered my birthday, some who were close to me all those years told me after my birthday happy birthday.. and that hurt like hell. like I had never mattered.
regardless I feel haunted.. yes it's good to feel those feeling and remember who I was so many years ago, but when will it stop? it's hard enough to go through it and go through it alone nonetheless.
being a mom now.. my life is different...
I can't even describe the differences.. and how hard it is to find the balance... I am beyond lucky for my job because they have supported me being a new mom, and allowed me to be there when I can, and away when I need to be..
other than work!
its a full time job taking care of my little one! I cannot believe how long him and I have been together, I love that he loves me so much! and hopefully he knows how much i love him! I can't describe what it's like to look into his eyes, or to have him do something just to see me smile, or reach out for me because I am truly the only person who can comfort him. I am beyond grateful
and maybe all those lasting relationships led me here.. led me to connect with my LO, led me to feel what I feel, and maybe made me feel like I never want to leave him.. One day he will leave me and I will still be here when he comes back, because there is nothing more powerful than my love for him!.
I don't know..
its been the weirdest time of my life! and for me he is all that matters..
its just hard to drive by places and see where I was, and who I was so many years ago.. and to be where I am today.. I cannot describe that feeling..
I just keep moving forward and do what I can.. but I still feel this pain? this hardship towards relationships, or being wounded by what I've gone through in the past year.
I'm having a hard time learning to cope with my current situation, and to let go of those people who I love and will forever love, but I also hate because we likely never will be where we were again, and yes that's a good thing but I had high hopes for our future and now it's shattered, and I don't know what my future is anymore
all's I know is apart from that heartache,.. I am in a place where I need no one, and only one person needs me.. and he is with me everyday..
it's just different. it's change... change is not fun.. but I am trying to be ok...
I love you! always and will be here always if you ever need me!
