surviving

It doesn't make sense... to be honest... I dont understand why I'm alive. I feel like the entire month of August was a nightmare. But then I get the reminder of my heart icd everyday 

My limitations vary in what I can and can't do. 

I'm struggling...

Simple tasks that were easy before no longer seem relevant  

I think of all these bs movies an things that talk about someone life changes as they survive shit like this. Or how their priorities change.

An here I am back to where I was. Doing the same things as before. 

I feel completely lost.

I feel like I just don't know how to get out of my head. Get out of my house. An move forward. I have built relationships with people who bail on me. People who sell me out. Or come up short. But when they need me I always answer I always respond. But when I need support help or anything I'm left behind.

Currently I wanted to talk about something. But I don't know who I can trust. I don't know who I can turn too. Because the issues are so different. So not my normal stuff. I'm scared to write it. Speak it. Acknowledge it because I could be wrong. But I could be right.

It's not very often I'm placed in situations like this one. I feel completely out of my element. Which doesn't make sense. 

I'm struggling...to speak truth. An to know where I can trust to say those things that are deeply rooted in me.

I'm also struggling to see why I'm alive.

I'm sure people who've been thro this can relate. How'd I die. An get found at the moment of death. An how did I get in an induced coma for 4 days. 

What the heck did I do.. how did it happen. An what should I be doing. Where was I. When I was in the hospital in the sense I was gone for 4 days. Imagine that. Who knows who was by my side. Who knows who came to me. How did everyone know or be there. 

I'm also grateful to those that supported my kid an were there for him.  

I just I don't know why. How. When. An idk.. it just a huge mess in my head. My heart. 

An I am feeling hurt. That my friends idk. I haven't told them much. They say just move forward but how do I do that? If I feel this way? U know. Idk.

So much crap... I still can't even be honest. But my mind Is lost.