doubt growing like a weed

I'm struggling... there's so much going on an so much heaviness around my reliance on others. I know we should never rely on anyone...but honestly with love... well it blinds us. Asks us to have faith in the unknown. Have faith in others because of love. For so long I've rarely let anyone into my life... it worked pretty well but then I started slowly...started to break down the wall. An now I am feeling terrified... it feels as though being in this place where I had faith in others... reminds me of a TV show. Or Several. But the thing in this particular show called Prison Break. The series when they had to break out of a prison that was run by the inmates. One particular inmate had hidden himself basically to wither an die in the basement. Eating rats an whatever he could. The guy even built a brick wall covering himself from others so no one could find him.  Until one day someone did. An he relied on them. But when they broke him out of the brick wall he was deteriorating from only eating what an when he found scraps... the reason i say this is because it's how I feel...

However I broke down my walls because I put my faith in love. In the idea that out of love we would conquer all. An we would last forever.

But what she doesn't know... is that I relied on her.. on her word that I'm her everything. Thst she wants me in her life..

But... the issues... the many issues that keep rising up are starting to make me feel like I'm deteriorating. Because the more times she is disappointing me an not being here.. the more times I'm losing faith. Losing heart. 

What are the reasons for love... for connection. Sadly they seem to be instilled in us. Because it's why we are here.

I want to not lose faith.. I want to make it work. But it feels one sided. It feels as though I'm the only one fighting for stability for us. 

For her. She's fighting to stay alive fighting demons. Fighting multitudes of things but she's doing it alone. 

I've done everything I could to build up her trust an faith in me. I've proven more an more that I'll be here. An I'm not going to turn my back on her. But she still won't break down her walls. She still won't have more faith in me.

I need to figure out what to do from here... because right now....

I've lost so many. I've done so much an I deserve to be loved. I deserve to feel that love without questioning it.. an right now I feel unworthy like I don't deserve love. That maybe all this time of trying to fight her demons.. I'm not ever good enough to be there. 

Idk... I'm hurt 

I'm hurt because I've repeatedly said this is who I wanna be with, who I wanna spend the end of time with. I want to stay an I feel like she wants me to stay but at a distance. An the worst parts of distance is that it continues to raise doubt. To raise concerns. An to make me wonder what does she do with her time. Who is she spending it with. How can we build our lives together if we aren't actually together.

I continue to feel as though I can't press the matter because she's in a fragile state. An when I push she runs away an I can't deal with the chase. I'm feeling done with the chase

We need to be over that. An ready to take on next steps. Because I or we owe it to ourselves to go thst length if that is what it is 

I dont know what I'm doing. Or what I should do. An I can't talk to my friends because I'm supposed to be all good an happy etc