hurt.

I see now that I am reacting to this relationship. Originally she had said she'd spend time with me an be here with me. And now she not only didn't she also just ignored the reality of what she said she'd do. An I'm hurt beyond measure. Because I'm realizing that I'm being dragged along 

When I fought with her. I thought I had finally gotten thro to her. I thought she wanted to work at our relationship an for a day or two she seemed to make effort but looking at it she's not making effort where it counts and I'm hurt more than ever. 

I dont know what I feel anymore. I don't know how to feel love when alls I feel is pain. I don't know how to feel love when alls I feel is disappointed. I don't know what to do. I'm consistently thinking of this being the end. 

Not the end of our relationship but the end of my life. My worthiness measured by how little I matter or my feelings matter to anyone specifically those that allegedly love me. 

I dont want to keep this up but I'm scared of what will happen if I let go. I'm scared of what will happen to my mindset. There so many fears attached but the idea of breaking free from the thing thst is causing me so much pain. I can't even remember the last time I felt and lived in that love that it mattered enough to me. 

I don't get to fight my way thro this because she is not willing to fight me she is willing to bail on me. Be selfish. An not consider my feelings in this situation. Not at any point did she hear my disappointment. She just doesn't hear me. Doesn't know me. Doesn't care. 

When I thought about her fighting for me. I thought wow how amazing it is to be loved as much. She loves me to fight for me. To want to make a change for me. An then this happened. It's like she knows how to cause me pain. An just does it to make me feel pain.  

Idk... I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for staying. I'm so used to this type of pain from people I wouldn't know what the right part of it all would Be. I haven't been in a healthy relationship in years or ever. I have no idea what that even looks like. 

She said this was our first healthy relationship if that were true why do I feel shitty an in pain all the time. Why do I only feel the way I feel. If I was in a healthy relationship I wouldn't be so disappointed an hurt an wouldn't react as badly as I do when she doesn't consider my feelings or needs.