weeks later

It's now been 2 weeks since I had surgery... I feel like garbage like no idea. It's not just the physical part of me that feels damaged.. it's the mental part of me. Knowing that I'm hurt like this an unable to get myself together. 

Realizing that I was in a coma for 4 days because my body seemed like it wanted to give out. So I was forced into a coma until I guess I dealt with the trauma. 

Can you even understand what it felt like to wake up 4 days later no recollection of what had happened... an being completely alone... an unable to connect with anyone or talk to anyone. An then when I was able too.. hearing their stories of seeing me in the coma an how devastating it was for them. An leaving my kid. My job. My partner.

I was feeling like garbage beyond measure. An then spent the next what 10 or 12 days well the doctors determined what would be implanted in my chest because it ended up being my heart....

Thinking about it terrifies me.. an scares me.. the idea of this device in my chest. Knowing if it goes off in the next 6 months I'll lose my ability to drive my own damn car.

Or just in general if it goes off I don't know what it will feel like. Or if it becomes faulty or becomes broken in any way... an the damage it could do to me... the risks I'm taking. 

When I finally got around to touching base with people. I was completely grateful how many people showed up for me. An how much love an respect there was. 

But.. I still lost those 2 weeks or whatever and now I'm home.. an I love being back with my kid...

I remember the day I got home. 

You have no idea... I cannot express how heart warming it was for me to have him in my arms. An each day I've been showing him my surgery scars telling me I'm healing. An I'll get better. But it's why I can't carry him or do all the fun things we did. 

As for my relationship.. I'm lost. I keep thinking how much easier it would be for my partner if I wasn't in the picture. My partner deserves someone better.. an right now I feel like a broken puzzle. That I'm trying to put back together.. an I can't juggle this relationship but then there is also her inability to talk to me. Or be there for me. We barely talk. An some days most days were not talking at all. So what is the point. 

Then I talk to my trusted friends....who tell me my partner loves me more than life itself. That my collapse tore my partner to death to almost end her own life because she thought I was gonna die as no one knew what was going to happen to me. 

Buy that kind of power someone have over someone it can't be healthy.... right?

Love goes on. 

Life goes on...

How many times I spoke to my partner very few how many times has she shown up for me even less... 

How can this relationship work if we aren't together... 

We both are holding back. Both unwilling to live in one another lives... then why are we here. 

I dont get it... but then when I think of letting it go saying fuck it... it scares me..

Because the depth of this love Is as deep as the ocean an skies. I can't stop loving her or needing her. An she knows that an yet she still can't show up. 

Unable to be there for me..

And I consistently still hold onto hope that she will want too be here

It same goes for my closest friend who also has bailed on me. Making me think crazy things. An then I begin to lose my mind

I dont know what to think about any of my relationships. I feel like I'm in this alone..  that when I say things like I'm sad or depressed or terrified about what happened to me an that I'll eventually have to go back to work with people asking questions or some shit. I dont want to face that. An I just don't want to keep on moving forward..

.I don't know what moving forward looks like for me.. i really don't

An right now I'm barely even trying to get moving at all because I'm scared... I'm scared... 

I read about the device in my chest. So many things can go wrong. So many complications. As well as life span for this device. Who knows how much time I will have an it makes me feel idk... 

The unknown may be more known based on the device in my chest if it shorts out. Or becomes faulty in some way. 

There's so much i question an wonder about. An so much comfort I wish I could get from my partner. Or my friend. An yet I have to survive this alone. An if that is the case then why do I bother?. 

Why do I stay for any of them

I'm losing my damn mind....