Monday, February 13, 2017

Keep Moving Forward

I can't describe everything that has happened or how I've made it this far.. I've been imagining and seeing things that might not actually be there.. and on top of it all! i'm changing my entire life around and making some changes.. which makes me sad.. because I love what I have now, but I also know my limits..
Awhile ago...early January one of my most revered friends called me.. and she was telling that she has a message for me, from God.. that she dreamt it.. and man alive! when she tells me these things, it stirs something in my soul, because I know how much God loves her. Anyway the reality of it all, is that God is calling me back! now calling me back? from what? I've fallen from his grace, from under his umbrella.. carrying my own baggage of guilt and shame for what I've been through since coming back. or for other things too? IDK... or is it calling me back to Ontario? I love the idea of moving back to Ontario especially because my most amazing friend is moving from here to there, and I love her beyond anything!
Why do I love her? because she has been the one person in the last eight years who has let me scold her, push her away, kick her while she's down, lol not literally! and each time I fell, each time I cut, each time I ended up in the hospital for something stupid like trying to end my life, she would show up, and say "I'm here for you" and even though I was ashamed of the things  I had done to myself, or the messages I left on her phone, she never judged me, ridiculed me, or hated me. she has always been full of love for me.. and for that I want to be there for her, and although maybe God isn't calling me back to Ontario! I would be completely ok if he did.. I'm sorry to say that out loud...
But since living in the city.. yes I've done well but how long did it take for me to get here? how many suicide attempts, how many hospital admissions, how many failures to my family and friends. it took everything in me to get to where I am.. an part of that is yes my lady! but it's her belief in me in that helped me find faith in myself!
anyway Ontario was always my beautiful light, it was always the most powerful experience I ever had in my life! to be surrounded by the beauty, be surrounded by amazing friends! I miss it so much, and yes I'm here in the city for my family! but I rarely see them, we never have time for one another and that's hard for me.. because I still only see them around family holidays or certain birthdays, but instead of holding together, we've grown apart! I rarely speak to any of them, and I'm not really there..
Now for this part... while.. someone.. says it's a choice to continue to grieve for any loss.. but if someone knew how much my uncle meant to me, and to my family, maybe there would be some understanding? Maybe not? maybe it is a choice!
But to have enter that home.. for every christmas, thanksgiving, new years, easter, or whatever holiday it's not the same! each time in the back of my mind, along with everyone else in the house, we are expecting Uncle Dave to walk into the house and say hello jessica, or hello messy haired niece  lol.. something.. and every holiday felt whole, felt real, felt beautiful with him there.. even birthdays. when I used to celebrate my birthday, to be hugged by him, and to hear him say I love you niece, those meant all the world to me.. and I feel like I took it for granted because now I'm stuck with nothing, but a broken family! and maybe we'll be ok, maybe we'll survive as we have for nearly three years, but it hurts! IT FUCKING HURTS! i can't look at another holiday, another pie, another tortilla, or even soup... at my moms without tears coming to my eyes, because it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and someone up there is laughing at my suffering! because I still grieve for his loss, I still feel his spirit, presence with me! and I wish! I wish I could hear him again.. feel him again! I want him to know! i am trying not to let him down! and that I'm sorry I haven't driven people to the Rez but if he would've seen what I went through, I'd hope he'd understand that!

I can't celebrate birthdays.. I can't celebrate holidays.. nothing will feel the same, and right now the only reason I do this is because it pleases my family, my mom loves it when I show up for these events.. but it hurts me.. and I still put on that fake smile and continue on!

Will the pain ever stop! yes I believe it will! because it's been 22 yrs since I lost my father, I still remember him each time I eat ice cream, each time I drive by Stanley Park, or each time I see a father with his daughter.. I know that he loved me.. and it doesn't hurt anymore! i Just wish I could remember him a bit more it's been so long.

so for now! let me grieve.. let me feel.. let me mend with what I am going through! let me live and keep living even if it's only grain of salt at a time! I still need to heal, and I still need to grieve!

DON"T make me celebrate a specific birthday! just let the day pass as normal as if it's nothing special! although I am still happy i know exact time and place of my birth.. that made me very happy <3 nbsp="" p="">
Keep Moving Forward!