Tuesday, July 18, 2017

look in the mirror

the letter/package has been sent... what an unbelievable weird experience.. Im not even sure what I'm wanting to say in the package...I also can't believe the journal entries I found at random... it's hard to go through the journals an a part of me doesn't want to do it all.. I just want to burn them and forget I ever lived whatever life that once was.. but I'm not exactly there yet.. so for now I slowly randomly read through them..

I had some rough days recently... I for the first time... became anxious at the reality of my life.. for the first time in a long time.. and no one would really believe I'd say this.. with the way I speak about cutting, the way I speak about this deep addiction/deep desire and need for the blade that I use for cutting.. for what seems to be the first time in a long time... I stopped carrying it (blade), I stopped allowing that piece hold me down, or give me the urge to continue to scar up my left arm... and for the first time recently I had regretted letting the blade go, and I purposely refused to come home because I knew if I did... the feeling... the relief, the love and admiration (distorted or not) there is no deeper connection for me an that stupid blade... so I refused to let myself fall back into that place, and even when I did come home I waited a few days, but the anxiety grew because for the first time I had forgotten where I put the blade.. so I found it, and have it visible at home.. but I still don't carry it with me.
I don't know what other things I do to avoid cutting, I'm guessing it's just my other addiction of zoning out, of not carrying about the world or feeling of numbness..which is similar to the feeling I get from cutting... just to feel that blade cut my arm... man alive. I hate to say that out loud but there is no greater, as that has been my one addiction since I think 15yrs... so for me to leave that at home, and to be able to stand on my own..it's pretty serious ground for me.

I know the letter I sent.. I told her... (my lady) I told her she doesn't have to worry about me anymore... that if we never spoke again, that she could know fully that "I choose life" and for me that is the biggest accomplishment to not hate my life, to not want and think and desire death... to be able to stand my ground... I had this picture of what that looked like... for so long I looked like I was on the edge, ready to die, ready to jump... and for the first time, I stand close to the edge but with courage in my heart, love in my soul and I want to live.

Honestly don't feel that way at this moment... but this is generally my life now... choosing to live.. and choosing to struggle but choosing to break through all these obstacles believing maybe.. I'll get there one day..

I'm psychotic I know! lol dangerous not! loved and cared for absolutely..
It's bringing up a lot of ideas for me... thinking of my lady and her reading that letter... I put so much into it... to say the right thing, or to be me... and to share those pieces of my journal that expressed my ultimate love and gratitude for the amazing woman she is, I could and will never love anyone more than I love her! and that's a terrible thing to say I know.. because obviously I'll find love one day but I guess I'll admit.. I'm not talking about that kind of love, but something deeper, something pure and something unconditional..
I actually had the right insane words to say.. but I didn't have a pen to write them in the letter I sent.. so I saved it in my phone.. what do you think? insane?
"Love you for now, forever and for always. unconditional, without judgement; no regrets,  love you"

maybe i heard that somewhere? I don't know.. but when I said it out loud while driving cause I was trying to remember it word for word.. I was trying to think of why i love her, how I love her..there is nothing more beautiful then the love I have for that one woman across the country.. no matter what she has done, will do, or becomes, I'll love her... unconditionally without judgement, and no regret. INSANE! I know... but if only the whole story was a movie!
She wrote how I was the butterfly, and how the beast would one day lose it's hold on me!. and although I feel it..deep deep within me, the beast that lurks in my hurt and anger... I have maybe controlled it, but it's not a butterfly that's flourishing within me, that's too beautiful.. I'm more magnificent, more unique and yes I mean the Phoenix, rising from the ashes, rising from the darkness. no matter what anyone says about who I am, and what I've done, or am going to do! I will always rise from the ashes, I'll always move forward.

but like a psycho.. I'm also fully prepared and ready to die.. if the world ended tomorrow, if I died tomorrow... I'm ready for that.. because I have loved, I have lost, and I have lived.  I'm glad to have lived all these wonderful years, and hated some of those years,but rising from the ashes and being as unique and beautiful there is nothing greater.

I look in the mirror and i don't know how I ever... thought it would never get better.. I remember those dark days, and yet here I am... I could still be in darkness, but I have the courage, strength, and love to pull through it.. I am moving forward!

I even had a dream about one day meeting that special someone, and I can't even remember who they were, but I remember the way I felt... so maybe it'll happen... maybe... it could be good... for a little while!

I miss you my lady! 143

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Butterfly....is actually Phoenix

a couple weeks ago my sister found some journals.. I've been collecting them... I am hoping to burn them... some dark stuff in the journals, and also a lot of truth in them.. I spent about 8 yrs writing about one very important person... I talked about "my lady" the woman I believe was sent to me, and saved my life... and not literally saved my life, but believed in me, and stood by me through hellish times, and never gave up on me.
I honestly wholeheartedly am psychotic but I believe that this relationship is ended.. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 months, I think of her everyday, and I miss her everyday. but for the first time in my life... I'm not desiring to be "saved" by anyone, i'm in a place for the first time that I am ok with my life; I have no imminent thoughts to commit suicide I feel ok with my life.. I do feel a  loss  with this relationship ending.. But I've written her a letter, I'm sending her two gifts. one is something I said I'd send her, and the second I'm hoping I can make into something beautiful to always remind her of what was...?! IdK it's like my youtube video that I never made! a constant idea or thought of some sort of creativity that never ends up happening..but maybe this will.

Its actually pretty sad..  I read some journal entries about my past and I just can't believe who i used to be you know? how did I ever think that way? or how did I ever make it through those terrible times, and why has this happened to me! 
I added a picture of a note that I wrote... so many years ago... I don't remember the context of why I said what I did, but I'll tell you I've never understood why "my lady" had stayed in my life, why she remained by my side, and why she wouldn't have left for all the fucked up times.. the late night calls that I was in the hospital again, or when I created the 14 inch gash on my arm, she was there... and I could not hurt her more than that.. and yet.. even inspite of that she remained, she came to the hospital, she loved me, and cared for me... nothing can be more beautiful than that friendship
anyway the note basically is her telling me that she believed in me.. and that she knew "the beast" was at whirwind of wanting to destroy my life and end it.. but that there is also something else within me that is fighting for life, otherwise why did i call for help, why did I let her stay in my life.. and she always said things like... its name is butterfly.. and I guess for a while I believed that.. but as time has gone by.. I believe it's something else!
I love and don't remember how it all came to life...but when I found out about the Phoenix and found out "rising from ashes" a huge transformation that cannot be described.. I decided this was me.. I have risen from darkness, risen from the ashes.. I am not where I was, and I'm soaring to a beautiful future that cannot be described yet..
Anyway.. I'm off topic... I'm changed.. I'm not who I was 8 years ago, and as much as I want to move back to Ontario to be with "my lady" reality is... we aren't who we were... she and I have lots of dreams and hopes and common ground but we're in different places in our lives,.. and our lives are also no longer intertwined, we are in different provinces, different lives, and she is likely happy where she is! and I'm not happy but I know that I'm not thinking of dying tomorrow. 
I have made new friend. and I have survived this 3 months with that friend. I know that I can and will find my destiny, and I'll never forget "my lady" we are forever branded with matching tattoos, and one day when she needs me.. I'll be there for her. 
so soon... when I have the money. I'll send her gift... and let that be it.. there is no reason to cry, because it is a good thing....I don't need her, she doesn't need me. we are free to live our lives, and not worry about one another.. and comparing that to eight years ago, it's incredible. if someone knew who she was back then and see where she's at now.. its a beautiful world we live in!
I will always and forever love her.. but I can love her and not have her in my life. we will love and be loved, we will share pieces of our hearts with one another and have those beautiful memories.. regardless moving on, moving forward.. 
KMF 8385

Phoenix 



Saturday, July 1, 2017

unknown citizen

I don't think anyone reading would understand an ordeal that I went there so many years ago! I don't know who I was back then, or what it is that's inside of me that wants to die (beast of burden) a darkness hidden within myself..
about 8 yrs ago... i went out to drink with some friends, I was just getting over my ex gf and she happened to be there.. and I wanted her to miss me so bad, or at least be able to handle hanging out with me with no strings attached, or IDK! what I was trying to do. so I decided to buy all the liquor for us all, and I tried to not get wasted.. I tried not to drink so much.. without knowing it.. the liquor had hit me... and everyone wanted me to buy more... and I said no... and that's the last thing I remember...
I woke up in the hospital.. handcuffed to a bed... with a strong urge to pee... i was released from handcuff to pee, and I had asked if someone had hurt me.. what had happened.. next thing I know I'm seeing a plastic surgeon to discuss the 14 inch gash on my arm... and to see if they need to repair something ?
After that... I spent 3 weeks in psychiatric care... I was for the first time... being forced to deal with "the beast" the darkness.. forced to name the thing that was buried within me, that every time I drank that I wanted to die... as I sat in the hospital bed.. IDK if it was the radio on or how I heard this one song...of course! The Rolling Stones "beast of burden" I decided or a light came on.. and I decided that's what my darkness will be called, that's what whatever is inside me that wants to die, that wants to watch the world burn, or wants me to burn.. it's going to be called the beast of burden!

I spent the 3 weeks in the hospital... bandage change every other day.. and I was so ashamed... so utterly ashamed of what had happened that I couldn't look at the wound.. I couldn't bare to see what it was... I did let my lady see it... she came and visited me in the hospital and all. My lady was my anchor and I know that no one is allowed to be given the responsibility... or no one should be put in the light like that, but I was broken! I was shattered and I was seeking, searching, yearning for a purpose.. and to look into her beautiful eyes, to have her wrap her arms around me, or tell me she loved me. nothing could ever be more fulfilling, to know that of all the people in the entire world this woman loved me, she loved me without limits, unconditionally, and without judgement.. she gave up a lot for me, she was there for me for everything..

Anyway... that's the story... of who I was.. the most significant painful thing I've ever done... maybe.. at least one of them..
but... the surgery I had in May of this year... has triggered me...
I'm sorry to the whole world of my friends who don't know that this has been a rocky road... to bring up memories, thoughts, moments that I can't and will never forget...

so I know someone in the police force.... my job allows me to connect with them... and so I decided to ask.. for the first time in 8 yrs.. I asked a police officer about the incident that night..
there was an UNKNOWN CITIZEN that saved my life...
as I stood or sat there bleeding to death on my forearm... this unknown citizen not only came to my aid, they were the one that called police, ambulance!
do you know I was with about 6 people... that night... supposedly my friends.. and not one of them was there with me.. not one of them helped me.. not one of them asked if I survived..

this unknown citizen applied pressure to my wound, and waited with me till help arrived and then that person left the scene.. and the only reason I know this person existed.. was because I called my lady... and I left a message... IDK what the message was, but it was the worst message anyone could ever leave, my lady won't tell me what I said, or what was happening..except to say it haunted her... how horrible the message was. and inspite of that..she said she could hear someone in the back round asking if I needed help, and that they were going to call 911.

SO I decided to ask the police for the report... detailed as can be... because I was blacked out when this all went down.. I don't remember anything... and honestly a part of me is grateful.. because it hurts...so much.. just writing these words out.. my eyes well up, and my heart thumps harder... because it's hard for me to talk about.

so the police report.. stated that there were three witnesses, who heard me crying screaming and bleeding. there were a couple of people who were allegedly my friends who gave statements stating that I was planing on killing myself.. and that I had cut myself with my work razors..
Unfortunately back then.. I was in construction... and I accidentally left work... that day.. with 100 super sharp razors in my back pocket.. I didn't realize it till I was far away.. I thought I'd be ok with just keeping them in my pocket.. and that was what I used to cut my arm..
1/2 and inch away from my major artery.. I survived..

it's hard to think about.. and yet... honestly... I want it to go Viral. I want that Unknown citizen to know that I survived.. not only did I survive..but that I'm not that person anymore. that i've changed my life... and I don't allow certain people in my life.. because it's not who I am anymore.. and it's sometimes hard to be this person.. but I refuse! I refuse to let "the beast" come to life! I don't care what's going on in my life! I can't let that happen...because I'm fuckin terrified! there's nothing scarier.. no nightmare, no under bed problems, this is the worst fear of my life! to know there is something deep within me, that wants to die! wants to take a blade, a pill, an accident, a bridge, a fall, or whatever...it wants me to die... the fight within me is tough and sometimes unbearable.
but I can't give up! I was and am here for a reason!
I don't know why I need to write about it...except to say I'm feeling triggered and I'm having a hard time right now... and I know people think "Just get over it" imagine where I was, and how it feels, and wait..don't imagine! just let me feel what I feel...and work through it..or not.. work through it. let me fail or succeed whatever I do.. it's on me..

To the Unknown Citizen
Thank you for saving my life!