Crazy day

 I guess I am a little wacked. as I realize maybe I am wrong and totally over thinking this entire situation... as it seems my partner has shown up for family fun random shop time.. and although it's sort of fun it's beyond difficult. 
I can't express the amount of pain I feel I am in... my body aches everywhere, realizing more and more.. I don't know how to freakin be ok. I don't know how to find relief in simple things like sitting or standing.. and my back hurts that all's I have to look forward to is putting the IMS in my back. 

Regardless I have a massive headache that I can't get rid of adn I don't know what that is about other than to think that maybe I need sleep. I need food adn I need  a moment alone where Im not bombarded by all this shit.. and right now it's just beyond difficult to focus, or be in a good mood. and my body, my head hurt. so my partner being here... as great as Im expected to feel. I feel too shitty.. 

you know how people say "you are the light of my world" or some BS like this... I mean her and I likely have said it.. but for some odd reason I feel so jaded that I don't feel light, love, or anything. I feel shut down, and hurt, and disappointed.. but I also realize I likely just hate how things turn out more often than not you know. Im trying to keep my head together. but Im feelin like I don't knwo.

and I guess this feeling may reflect that monthly curse. but maybe it has to do with my coping mechanism and how much I'd rather cave into this shit than keep up this pain that i am physically enduring. 

I may just feel like garbage and I may jst be suffering. I don't know how to be grateful today. 
I don't know how to get myself out of my head.. and I don't know 

today I was asked "where do you see yourself in 10yrs" and how many people can answer that? i definetly cannot answer that.. because I don't know the damn future. 
but its food for thought, and  a question I'd like to ask my partner when Im not so annoyed by EVERY little thing.. 
I don't know why things are so difficult but my brain hurts so much today and Im so hurt in every way today that i just want it to be over, and thankfully it is almost over. and I cannot wait but I need that release.. I need that moment where I can just let it go you know? 
is that normal I certainly hope so 

fool for moment

 I have to write what is bothering me because maybe it's just the hour of time. or maybe its a reality of what we are. 
I have been in a relationship so I thought for a good while.. and I thought we were going to the next steps.. we talk about next steps alot, and in some ways we have best moments, or whatever but sometimes its colder than an ice storm...
Recently I talked to my partner... I had the mislead idea that we would hang out, we originally had a plan to do something but clearly that is not the case, and instead of having two nights and 3 days with me. I am now being given one night. and it hurts... 

By now in all my relationships we would have been somewhere else completely and maybe even with her, because we've surpassed her passed relationship. 
I DONT KNOW

but today when we talked...an when weekened is mentioned... she said something different, and the way seh said it was like sneaking this idea in there that i am no longer the center of her weekends, and therefore where do I fit in? if she isn't working but allegedly "has all these groups/appts" to go to but no time to see me for lunch, dinner
I guess Im realizing more that maybe we arent really much of anything. 

IN what ways are we in a relationship? as we aren't in the typical one, and at the same I have made it clear as day that I am supposed to be "fine" with the need to not be the centre of her world. but Im feelng like by no means... am I anything...
my friend recently..or my cousenlor. someone recently said..when has she done waht I had asked.. like say I say I wanna see you today. an she shows up.

I realize I don't usually say that... I literally have let the shots be called by her, and therefore I feel forever at a distance. 
it hurts a bit. and I don't know what to think...

I know what to think...people tell me what to think. but IDK!!!!

IF I don't tell her this.. it will build up. 

and in a relationship.... of 9 months..how many fights has that couple had? 
her and I barely fight, because we barely ttalk, and only see one another IDK not as often as I like, and when I ask for more I usaully get the opposite.. and sometimes IDk.

Im trying to stay strong. Im trying to remember why.. but it hurts. Im hurt. and its a thing that is preventable if she would jst talk to me. 

we are both at the "forever love" as if her and I are gonna be married, having kids, etx... but... how do we get to that, if we aren't even able to live togther or be around one another, or share some honesty. what would have made more sense. is her not lying and saying Im going to see my friend saturday instead of you and I'll see u snday. but instead it was 2 different things and it hurt. because if its real. why not invite us to the event? especially knowing the type of event that it is? and knowng my family likely is involved in some way. 

but to say that.. it hurts. Im sad. and IDK....what the fuck to think except Im hurt. 

crazy love

 Currently living the dream I guess.. I am moving forward as best as I can under the circumstances. For some odd reason I woke up.. in two different ways.. in sense.. I'm happy but I also want to self sabotage in sense of things that are habits.. and that is weird.. 

I think that my subconscious is still scared of happiness, and therefore my body wants to react? does that make sense? maybe Im just crazy..

Recently my partner and I got together...well we were together a few days.. but last night was special.. because the night before my partner randomly hinted at the idea of forever, and said she thought I'd be so scared of the performance.. of like her getting down on knee, to present me with a key, cheesy corny stuff. and I knew right away I wouldn't run away.. but the fact she thought it.. well we talked about it last night.. and basically I said that Im going nowhere.. unless she is with me.. that i do see this as forever, and I want forever, I want the whole deal. and if it ever happens I'll always say yes. 

is it weird? to talk about these things.. more than likely.. but I just feel it... and i also am terrified of it, because it's so deep within me..
it reminds me of a tree. or seed of a tree being planted. you know? and as we spend more time together it is growing, and rooting itself in me that I don't ever want to let it go, and I definetly want forever. but is it normal to think of it ever being gone? i hope it's normal.
I don't think theres anything I've done, or she has done to hint at the idea of break up, but when you think of the depths, time, love we've poured into one another.. the tree planted.. it's like could you imagine it ever been uprooted. I don't want that, but I also I don't know how much control I have over that.. 

For awhile I thought about our beginning, and I'll always think of it.. because I had no idea she felt what she felt for me. and when it came to light it was and is beautiful
I am cheesy enough that I love the first time she kissed me, I love the first time she held my hand, or kissed me at a street light, or our first hook up.. 

there's so much.. and I also thought about when we first added one another on social media. it's funny because neither of us snooped through our facebook stuff, but in my investigation I realized no one can actually see anything on my FB because i've marked everything private. lol 
an she was all cute saying she took me at face value, rather than what was on my social media. 

I don't know... I just feel happy today. and I just want to be in her arms, or her in mine, and I just want to do anything everything with her. there is no greater love, an nothing can take that away, I feel completely utterly tethered to her, and I don't know how to deal with that, I feel my insecurities consistently creep in, and my friends repeatedly reminding me that she's stuck it out with me, she's chosen me, just as I've chosen her, and we are in this together, and we are not going anywhere. 

I am planning shit for this holiday,. cause sadly.. neither of us have family we can go do the christmas holiday with so I kind of want to have the christmas stuff for the kid, but I want us to be able to travel and get outta here.. .I don't know.. 

is it sad? that neither of us have anyone?

when it comes to approval for being her lover, I apparently have her family to worry about, but for me.. there isn't really anyone who's looking out for me.. and anyone who ever said anything isn't people who know either of us. I don't know.. maybe I'm now overthinking it.. but I just want happiness, and i want to be able to give that to her each and every day. for the rest of my life. 

because weve been through so much, just want to lavish in the love and happiness....... maybe with the habits still present because we accept one another just the way we are. 

Food for thought

 Its one of those times.. contious as always.. I know true to my core that I love my partner, and I could not imagine a future without her.
however my mind wanders...to a lot of...how did I find this power? to be able to say, think or control what where or who we see. 
Some of the time... I just want to lay in bed, or go for a walk, or something that involves being with my partner, coming up with things to talk about, but I haven't been able too.. I don't know what to talk about, but than again I rarely talk to others as is.. 

I dont do much with my daily life, I am not that big on talking... and I just... I don't know what to think about.. 

I think about the future.. I think about the answers to questions i have, and if she'll ever tell me... I know she feels what she feels for me, she's made that clear, but its been awhile... and I want the next step... not knowing what that is.. I don't want it to be living together because we havent' gotten there, but I'd like her to spend more time with me.. to want to make plans with me.. to talk, to come up with a new routine 

the short time she's giving me is hard.. I just want more... and I want her to want to be here with me, or let me be there with her.. I know she loves me.. she's literally made it clear as day.. we've got like several tattoos planned to basically show off to the world..LIke our matching outfits.. I want to do so mch.

I want her to just want to spend an extra night, or extra day, or to come see me at work, or something. i hinted several times of wanting to go see her last week and it didn't work out.  maybe this week I'll be more to the point and see if that changes things. 

I just want to be able to lavish in our love, and to go out and do stuff, and enjoy our time inside. she can be doing so well, and I just want to be part of all that. you know. 

I want to be a good influence in her life, and to make her want to spend time iwth me. I just watched a random tiktok that basically said how to make someone be obsessed with you and I'm like...why are poeple throwing this BS in the universe. why would we want to be obsessed with someone? don't we need to have our lives, as one before we are two?> IDK maybe Im just crazy. but I don't want to be the object of her purpose. 

Just reminds me I meant to ask her about something. 

Dang.... I have to get clarifacation on this one thing because I need to ensure that I know what I know is real as real could ever be. 

fears...self sabotage

 I don't know why I do these things.. I feel like it's just insane.. all's it ever takes is a picture, a moment, word, a look.. and then I find myself lost.. it's weird.. is there ever a time where I'm in stable conditions, and content there? 

I just wrote I was happy and all and then all of a sudden it ended.. not ended but that I began to doubt? began to let the self sabotage creep in, an i have this huge need to be reassured..and even though she is definetly do that, I don't feel it.
and then I ask her things and don't get the answers.. and then I feel like it's all going to crumble

I cannot even begin to tell you! How much it is insane! one year ago exactly today! we took her out for nachos, we I don't remember why we went, or why we invited her.. as we sat there.. and I only thought my best friend could go out with her, and then from then on, she reassured the idea.. and it bothered me but I thought it's ok, its not me.
it made me think of a very old friend.. so many years ago.. we all were friends, but we all had that moment where we caught these feelings, and we wanted what all people want, the connection, and I didn't get chosen, because I was searching for someone else, and I have no regrets in that, I think we're better as friends...
but it was funny to literally sit there in the persons house deciding which one of us she would date.

and here we were again.. and even though all the signs were there... I was oblivious and quickly throwing my best friend in the mix.. 
I didn't see it.. and even though I helped my partner through stuff, and supported her, I didn't see it. alls I seen was the rejection I was in.. from the previous girl who turned me down. 

so for MONTHS!!! we talked..months I stuck to supporting her, and being there for her, and talking, and food, and hot chocolates, and just whatver.. and then finally! Finally when I finally turned to my friend and was like dude what is your problem, go jump in her bed. lol she was like I don't think she likes me, I'm pretty sure she likes you. LMFAO!!!
An when I asked the answer blew me away! I was like why didn't YOU tell me! LOL

answer was fear of rejection I guess... 

from there it took me awhile... I have to be careful.. my life wasn't what it was before.. and although I've never really had "flings" or very many "one night stands" things have to be different because I have a kid, I have the biggest responsiblity. IDK.
but when she came into my life.. when I finally seen her in the light that she likely had seen me in for that long! 

I was IN LOVE! I was all about it, the desire, the need, the love I felt, and even though she had said I said ILY first. sure that's likely true...because I am not someone who will go thro with anything without testing, going through mazes, puzzles, and measuring the person. because like anyone I've been hurt before. several times, and that hurt lives in me, and I have to be cautious.. I can't fall apart I have to be strong, yes I can cry in front of my kid. 
I'm talking going through a break up and the pain that feels.. 

Even though we've been through that.. we for some odd reason are where we are now.. and we are incredibly happy.. and I have no regrets.. except....

I have a secret.. not much of a secret to be honest.. as I said I feel like my world is spinning.. and it's because of being happy.. allowing myself to feel happiness. 
and the fears I have about happiness.. an fears of losing what i have.. 
I wish I could explain it.

but because of my insecurities.. I turn to familiar things.. familiar moments of weakness.. and no it's not cheating, it has nothing to do with hurting the person I love. it has to do with my own personal demons. because I opened the door to my self destruction and I have been re-introduced to it. I don't know if people can understand it.. 
but.. 

it sucks.. because Im scared.. Im scared to ask for help, I'm scared to tell my partner how i feel. because I don't want her to spew the bs answers, or some bs verse of greatness, or how we deserve to be happy, etx. I just want to feel what I feel. and let my moments come and go. and I kind of try hide away from it. like try not to show it to those I love. but I feel it. I feel it so strongly. 

a part of me wants to race...race into her arms just to be there.. in that moment.. but I feel like it's not going to happen.. its weird because usually I trust her, along with my close friend..,but for some reason I haven't told anyone except my readers herre. 

Again believe me it's not about wanting serious harm.. it's about feeling the feeling thats underneath teh facade, underneath the mask, that is who I am underneath it all. and there are VERY few people who know who I am.. the only people I truly trust are people who aren't much in my life.. I try to email, and keep in touch but its very one sided just like these blogs.. 
I can spew all the deep stuff, but no one really responds. 

this isn't my cry for help.. I feel like... what it feels like is like... the world is spinning, and the happiness overflows, the love overflows, and this is my way to level myself out, because I have been truly happy, more than ever and I want to give my partner the world, I want to make the world fall to it's knees before her, but my self destruction helps keep me grounded.. Im not letting myself cloud myself? does that make sense? IDK.

Im struggling.. my brain feels weird..my thoughts feel weird. I need some answers, and yet I don't want to know? 
IDK what to think or how to feel..or if I can actually feel at all.

am I really alone... yes we are all alone.

but... not... 

My one friend said to me recently with everything I have going on.. I have redefined what family means to me, because I have cut ties with the turmoil of family who only held me down, etx. and now I consider my partner my family. and maybe a select few, but that's my family now.

I just want to get grounded... I don't want to feel what I'm feeling, and I don't know what to think. or feel. or like overthink.. or disect what has been said to me? IDK.. I really don't know..and it's making me a little crazy 

spinning world

 So... I guess I have a lot on my mind... and realizing that the world is the world... and there are people in the world.. who will try and see the happiness we have and take it away. you know the people who want what they can't have? does that make sense? 
i see why it's important not to make too much public.. 

I can't help but question everything.. I can't help but wonder what would have been.. I remember last year.. I remember it clear as day. and I remember it was one of the first real occassions when I had taken out my partner not as a partner. but as a hopeful to be friends? you know.. Its funny because 3 of us were there and each of us would likely tell the story differently.. and my verison is it was normal... at that time I thought I could hook up my best friend and this person, thinking they were closer in age, and it might be fun, and I didn't think I had a chance.. I knew that it was like not even possible..
what I didn't know was that while we were all there.. apparently with me not even paying any attention, she had been itching to tell me or show me, or something to prove to me that I should be seeing her. you know.. and I wasn't even paying attention.. lol I wasnt even open to it, because it just didn't seem possible. 

and months later when my best friend told me.. that she wasn't gonna get the chance, but that she knew that my partner only wanted to know me.. I was like ya right, and when I asked... she was like yep... since nacho day I've liked you. 

and the world changed for me. lol 

I don't know what we thought it was going to be, but I know that she knew this wasn't going to be a fling, and she wanted to know me, be with me, and we both were just in the same head space, of wanting to be near one another... and 
as time went on.. 

got to talking, got to date, got to it all.. and it was like the first time... in a long time where it felt right, feels right, where there is everything she does is beautiful every word she says, every time I hear her say she loves me. it turns my world. 

and we both understand.. this love.. is like no other. this connection is like nothing we've ever had in our lives. and I don't know why but it is also just terrifying because I have to worry about losing it.. doing something saying something, or having people joke to me about making poor choices. and im like why would u say that to me. you know. 

For the first time since I was in Ontario... I am happy. I am content. for the first time I'm looking at the future with hope. that's not something I have very often. and no matter what obstacles and things we've had to work through, our love has remained strong and I just want to grip it and never let it go. 

it's hard.. because I don't know.. it feels like new territory because I just don't know what is right or wrong ,and what should we be doing or not. I dont know I think Im just struggling..in general.

alls I want is excuses to make my poor choices to make me feel something or whatveer. because I feel so lost that sometimes when people talk I don't even listen, because Im trapped in my own thoughts. and no one no one knows where I am, who I really am. and I'm getting crazy. I guarantee I don't know how to explain these difficult moments.. I Just feel like I have something to say or bury? I don't know and I don't know who to trust. who to turn to, and what that truth may be. about what Im doing, what Ive chosen for myself. 

I don't know.. Im struggling with that 

Mind Race

 Well I started out the day when everything seems to be going wrong.. and for some odd reason... just a message, a text... and my whole world changes, and then I spend the day in these deep thoughts... 
I don't know if Im going crazy or if this is reality.. 

I have spent basically the entire day thinking about my relationship... how much love there is that we share, and how much power we have over one another? or alongside one another? the love and strength we bond over. and the desire, and the connection, and the everything.. 
Today I thought I was all like slick.. in saying something like I want her to feel like a queen the world bows at her feet, and then she goes an says Im her universe.. lol

some times the words are so intense.. it's like... it's deep... a rooted depth of my soul connected, literally tethered to her.. 
I absoluetly don't know how to make it through the day.. am I crazy.

I spent the afternoon singing, dancing, in the car of course lol. but I couldn't help but want to run away. I wanted to sneak away just to see her, kiss her, whatever i could to be in her presence because the days are so long sometimes that I just want her.. does that make sense?
of course she was busy.. but I wanted that.. Just that one... just that one.. and then I just don't know if that's me.

It definetly gets better than this. Im a little terrified... Am I saying too Much? should I be more quiet? more loud? more present? more distant... people say the heart grows fonder as we are apart.. but we spend so much time apart and not as much together, can we just have time together.. lol to grow into one another even just a little? 
it seems so strange.. I mean it's good but I miss her.. I miss seeing her face. holding her hand, and kissing her lips, or just the scent, the touch, the feeling of absolute love.. I don't know.. 

Its normal... to have find love and want it to be closer right?

I feel like the world has us apart so often that I just want it to work out. I want to be able to have her in my arms! I want to be able to have a night where I can treat her beyond well, that we can have fun, whether that's dancing, or eating, or whatever... I just want us to do something. I want the world to know we are in love. I want to reach for her, kiss her under street light, and snuggle her during a movie at a movie theatre, or play footsies at a restaurant. 
I don't know. I just want to be able to do more... 

not that I don't enjoy and love being alone at home, or her home, or at the beach or wherever. I just want her to have special moments with me that she's like never going to feel that, or whatever anywhere else you know? 

liike this upcoming weekend... we're planning a family day. and I hope it works out, and I hope it's beautiful, adn this time Im not inviting anymore people because I realize I can't control a large group, and I just wnat to be with her and my kid. I just want days like that you know? where we can bond together...

Other than my obvious mind race..

I recently found out... that as mch as I am my kids guardian.. I still am not his birth parent, more so I realize that there is a chance... that one day... one day his parent's might come back.. believe me as I've said before I want them back in his life.. I want them to connect etx. however I also want a boundary in understanding that I've given up, sacrificed so much, and Im not his birth mom, but Im his mom in all other ways in the meaning of it. you know.. 
I want them to have that respect.. as much as they may have their ideas that I "planned" this.. there is no damn way anyone can plan for this.. and several of these examples is that i almost became homeless, I lost my job, went on welfare, I literally went through fire to get my life together that benefits him
Instead of spending my money on things for myself.. I threw  alot of money at his benefits of life, essentials, and deisres, wants etx. I have done a lot.. 
anyway... the reality... is that... 
there is a chance.. they may come back.. and may come for him... may be a long drawn out process if it ever happens.. but... what should I do? people told me I'd have to adopt him. but... as much as I wnat him forever, I also want him to be with them, I want to be a part of his life forever, and having him has proved to me that I am capable of being a mom..
I never thought I could do it.. 

I want his parents back, but I don't want them to take him away from the life I've provided. I am open to letting them slowly come back in his life, and to make changes so that he can have several supports, as well as like co parenting you know? 

I don't know.. my mind is racing... and I have so mhc going on.. Im feeling a little stir crazy and I just I just need to gather this shit.......

The future...maybe

 Ive been in a weird head space..on top of being completely in love with my partner.... Im now finding myself consistently talking, thinking, dreaming of what I want in the future.. I absolutely can see it, dream it, think of it... 

I don't know if Im completely crazy or if its a reality of a life Im choosing to live you know. 

I told someone... recently that Im going to say again... Im at a place in my life... that of all things we've been through I could not imagine it ever being possible to love, care for, or want to hold, touch, or kiss another human being ever again, the phrase "you've ruined me" comes to mind about how I feel... because I see this as our or my forever because I absoluetly see the future with her.. and I am so happy about it... 
I told someone that I can't imagine ever loving this intensly ever again.. because what we've been through what we've helped one another through cannot even be the same as anything.. I have nothing to compare it too.

it is my first in a lot of areas, which makes me wonder what it is like for her... to recieve these messages from me, when Im pouring my heart out, and telling her that I love her so much, and the intensity even in that, and saying things like I need you, or want you forever.. and her response is stuff like your wish is my command..

Im beyond grateful. 

With EVERYTHING

Everything I've thought about in my life.. it was usually me loving someone but them not loving me, or them loving me, but me not feeling the same.. 

It has rarely felt like it's lined up for me... and for what feels like the first time.. it's intense.. and terrifying.. because we are not really like living together, or being around each other all the time, but when we are there is an intensity in it, and that is what keeps us coming back for more. I guess. 

I want a future that is worth living.. worth everything.. I definetly want my name change, want to grow my kid up to be somewhat good, and I want to have children, I want a job that will provide for my family, and that's what my mind is thinking of...
I recently decided I'd like to try enroll in a school to try and get a license.. so that I can get a better job, and move on from this job.. I have known for awhile that I wasn't gonna get anywhere any longer because the job has totally judged me, and basically held shit against me, that has nothing to do with this.. and instead of letting me be a seniorty of nearly 10 yrs, I've been mistreated, and being told now I'll never move forward again, because they have held shit against me, so Im going to school and moving on, and starting fresh somewhere, so that when this beautiful future happens I can finally get the money and life.

i no longer have the shitty family holding me back, what I mean by that.. is that I no longer associate wtih people who only pull me down, weigh me down, people who make me feel obligated to provide for them. its been a year.. and it's been great, and the last few months having my brother living with me sometimes to help out, or just to have that family connection, it's awesome, and I realize how free I am without the burden, like i'm required to provide for, I was blowing some serious cash trying to make sure they had food, and shit.. 

and now I don't and it's been going well for me. 

I just want to move forward... I want to move on, and I want the future that has my partner with me, because I don't know what the hell to do.. without her.. I don't know if I'll ever IDK... I think Im completely crazy for her, and she knows it, an feels the same for me. which is amazing.. because we are in the LOVE. lol 

CHEESY!! fun! 

Moving forward.. 

set me on fire

 I can only write what is true for me... I have been in a beautiful head space... I have been continuing to remember our first of everything, an trying to remember the best moments, or fun times.. I don't know.. it's been a while since we were able to have a good time, good moments, good laughter, and for some odd reason it finally happened and I realize...all over agian this is why i absolutely utterly love her. 

There has been so much going on in the past month and trying to make sure that we weren't focusing on our relationship, because her health matters more than anything you know.. so we basically just let me be there for her, and let us just flow.. in love.. like we're together but were also just not focused on that you know? does that make sense? I'm trying to supportive in what she has going on, and what she needs to focus on, and that is more important in long term, as I had said before.. our love story is long story, this is one chapter,

however..this past few weeks things seemed to have shifted a bit..and it's like we're back in the phase of absolute love.. I just miss her, crave her, desire her, I have missed strolling down the street hand in hand, or kissing her, or sleeping next to her. etx. so we got to do all these things adn everything flooded back, and I remmeber my first visit of seeing her in hospital... she had said she knew she missed me but didn't realize how much she did, and that when I left she cried, because she missed me that much.
I have totally been supportive... and I'm grateful for the love we share.. 

It has me thinking...of the future... funny because she called me about the future as well, and I was astonished.. because our plans are beautiful. Our future will continue to be worth waking up each day, and for me... im all in.. and I feel she is as well, we talk about forever, we talk so much sometimes, that we can totally stay in presence and no words need to be spoken. CRAZY

I finally had a chance to go through my text messages...because whats funny...is when I first asked her to come out to lunch! LOL!!! I have it saved in my phone, and it was since that moment or even before that i don't know.. but she was interested in me... she was ready for me.. but I was not ready for her.. as it took me like three months before I even considered it.. even let her come into my life on the actualy gf level. it's such a trip of a story.. its our love story, and it's beautiful funny! and full of love, devotion. and all the time since then and all that we've done to stay grounded in one another. 

No matter what I need to do, no matter what she needs to do, we are going to make it. we are going to get through it all, and that is what makes me so excited. because I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without her. I absoluletly love her. and cannot wait for forever, for real forever, the death do us part of forever, lol I know have to wait for all that but as I said.. Im all in. and it's been a different kind of love than all others. \

Now that Im done rambling!! ABout how insane I am!!!

THere is no pressure in this love that I am afraid of, but I am generally a psycho at heart, and I am completely crazy in all my forms.. I am by far not perfect, and have faults and a lot of the time I dont get how I have friends, family, or a lover who has and is willin to stand by me forever, or even some past lovers lol. 
regardless I am grateful... but theres another side to the coin...because Im crazy.. 

this other part of me.. this darkness of me, is itching, wanting, desiring to crawl to the surfrace... and tapping at something that is deep within me, adn sadly I am slowly becoming weak to these moments of something that I desire, something that makes me survive the moments, 

I have talked about it with my counselor...but the truth is.. I don't know how to let it go... i dont know who to trust, and I don't know why it such a huuge part of me, as its ongoing for decades.. because it is part of who I am, and the desire for it is growing stronger.. I don't know what to think of all that...

but i figured Id mention it because it kind of scares me... and I don't like that..because Im trying to stay happy with my partner, and my kid..but theres a part of me that is who I am..