So I don't write that often anymore but believe me I wish I could so much has changed in the years I've written. When I started it was probably about the time I moved back to BC. Can you believe I think that's more than 10 yrs ago.
I've felt like I had destroyed my life. When I look back at all the painful things I had dealt with. When I look back at all the heartache I endured. When I look back its painful but I think in my journey of time in my Journey of healing I have started to see the breakthrough.
I was truly broken, I was shattered in all parts of my life. An I never thought I'd ever make it out of that, I believe all my suicide attempts can attest to how lost an alone an scared I felt.
It took a long time for me to even stop cutting to stop letting that be my coping mechanism. I was so drawn to it and sometimes rarely now it pops up in my mind because it was part of my life for more than 15 yr . The scars on my body can be shown.
I was hurting.
I'd like to say it was one woman who made that change for me. I'd like to say she saved me from drowning. But reality is she didnt. She just stood by believing in me. Not giving up on me. An standing there everytime I fell encouraging me to keep going. It was her love and strength that saved me. That helped me look in the mirror an see the monster I was.
It took a lot of changing. It took everything in me to choose to change. I wish I could say I woke up one day and bam my life was different. It took years!!! Years to make those change . To make the changes that I needed to be better.
There are regrets in my changing cycles of life. I made poor choices here an there. An I had some added scars from some of those hurts. But I made it.
Im here. Im now. Im moving forward.
For someone who NEVER thought I'd ever live to see the day. I actually pulled it off.
Not only have I pulled it off. I've got a son. Not in the traditional sense of my actual child but in the world we live in. I will always consider him my son, an he will consider me his mother until the day comes where I can tell him what's happened an how he came to be in my life.
I never thought I would have children... I honestly didnt feel capable after everything in my life. I didnt want to bring a child into this shi* world. Look at it right now. So much brokenness in the world but I love my kid. An I can only hope to do my best to teach him the good, teach him culture, teach him beauty, let him see where I came from. Let him see where I was an let him judge me based on that.
I dont know what the world ahead will be for him an I but I know I'll give him my all! I'll lay down my life for him. I'll be his strength. I'll be his love. I'll be whatever he needs. I'll never leave him.
Regardless looking back at my life an seeing it today I am astonished how much it has changed. How much I have grown... an I hope that the world can look more beautiful for him. I know there is darkness that is where I came from.
Recently watched a tv show that talked about a flower that grows in darkness. Its beauty can still be spoken volumes even in darkness. An that's what I want. I want my life to matter I want to do something great.
I always believed that im on this earth to lead. For others to believe in me the way I believe in my son. I dont know what that means. But I just want to change my community. As much as I want to say the world. I'll say my community first because together we are strong. As one unit we can conquer the world. An that is good enough as changing the world.
Thanks for listening
