Long Term

The future holds many opportunities...Many things that can be good, bad and ugly..

I have finally got myself back in gear with my life... At this very moment I am surrounded by a truly amazing lady, my lady... I cherish her, and treasure her beyond what words could ever be explained... I honestly love that she knows me more than anyone ever could, a depth of a friendship that after all the trauma of the last year of my life, to have her stand by me now... and forever...

I was working for a few days and finally got the perspective I needed about a work site and how great it was... No drinking and no drugs which I have needed for so long, I remember my work last year or so how difficult it was and how much it hurt... How much I hate remembering those things but now a new beginning right here..Even if I dont work there now the idea that a work site exists so greatly and perfectly was awesome...

Other than that I'm in a program now to gain some new skills... To figure out the future and do things like get my life together, and get a job that is actually worth doing... I cannot wait because I really want something to work out for me...It's been forever since I got a job and was able to enjoy my work, enjoy making money..

My relationship has stood strong even in the brokenness that exists now it will be ok because I believe as I did before this is truly greatness. I know and believe as I did all this time that this is love a little conditional but still limitless in the aspect that love is always there and it is love that carries us through the dark moments, and love that brings us through this...

I have believed so strongly that greatness can be created in my life... I have no doubt and no denying the greatness that surrounds me now, I still have the same fears I did before...With greatness comes tragedy and this is something I still have to work through, I sense and realize the person I am letting myself become is the scared 10yr old who is afraid of happiness...and for that I am beginning to find ways to disrupt my future..What will it take to get through this? to get past these things.... I dont know how to not self-sabotage... so I will have to find the self-knowledge to carry myself through these fears and get back to the person I am meant to be and that is a great leader.

Well I hope that things work out the way my head has planned for it, and that my thoughts don't become my reality...

Well I better go Im enjoying time with my lady!!

laterz

Connections

Its been a long time since I have been on a computer or even away from my love...

So much has happened in the last 12hrs that has got me going crazy with fear, frustration, hurt even if it can be possible... I'm beyond confused and I feel like I'm walking into a trap you know? I'm going to be facing something I have never done before, the approval of someone who means a great deal to my love...

In the last 12hrs I have cried my eyes out, and been working for two days now...and even though I wasn't all there I still went to work because there was nothing left to do... I have been at my moms now for a day an night and all's I want to do is go home but there is so much fear in it you know? How do we or I undo everything that's been done? how do I make this time perfect?

I have to find my way before the time is up and I see my life flashing before my eyes? is it a good thing? is it a bad thing? how will i truly look if I walked back into that place?

So lost and I can't even write anymore because my skills and desire for writing has vanished... I have done so many things that aren't like me...that I'm not sure how to survive anymore but I'm doing what I can to stay afloat..

laterz