Tuesday, June 20, 2017

joker/batman/superman

I'm still addicted to the idea of super heroes, yes Joker is in that mix.. because as much as we all hope to be like superman or batman, realistically we or I am all crazy inside anyway. haha
I'm having a hard time right now.. and it's hard to explain.. except to say that I bailed on my sister and friend today, because I am exhausted... not just from working..but from helping others, and wanting to be there for people... when realizing and knowing full heartedly that I'm an introvert! I value and thrive and recharge by moments of being alone, and spending time by myself, enjoying watching my favourite movies "suicide squad" and "batman vs superman" haha this is what recharges the whatever that it is that makes me or allows me to enjoy the world again..
I almost lost it today! to the point that I wanted to turn off my phone and just screw it all together but I couldn't.. cause of course I'm addicted to my phone but also knowing no one really messages me. I basically got mad at everyone who messaged me! and my first thought was ice cream! haha I wanted to go. but things didn't work out, and because it was a nice day! i knew I had to come home and hide away.
the world is changed so much! and even my family dynamics have changed, I've been there at home a bit more, and its hard! I love my family, and with my sisters pregnancy i do want to be there for her you know. but it's hard.. and at the same time.. she's got rarely anyone.. only because no one wanted her to have the baby... we all wanted her to stop! but she didn't  and she thought her idiot boyfriend would be there. and i told her.. i knew and seen what would happen just like every young couple they broke up, he's in a new relationship and threatening to take the baby that hasn't even been born. almost to say all my sisters hard work into working on herself, and cleaning herself up, and trying to get housing, and not using drugs blah blah blah! and yet she's having a hard time keeping it together, so I've been trying! trying so hard to help her but its hard.. I don't know anything about children, pregnancy or anything actually! because I've never and will never go through this experience.
anyway I'm trying.. and it's hard because I feel like i'm getting sick! I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.. and I need a break.. unfortunately the only break I have is in August, so I'm going to have to find a way to make it till then.. I'm hoping that means things like skydiving.. or even getting a tattoo!
I'm conflicted with my tattoo ideas! i have three tattoo ideas, and one of them I'd have to pay someone to create it which is awesome, but what shall it be... I know it's a good idea to add some tradition into my tattoo, but in something that would honour my dad.. honour my uncle, honour the men in my life.. that have died.. but have left an imprint on my life! I don't know what that looks like yet.. but I can tell you Father's day was hard for me!
no matter what I do and how much I pretend that Shi* doesn't hurt.. it still does... my uncle's birthday was june 13 I mean would have been... and he's gone.. and that was hard for me.. and then father's day was terrible. I mean it was good in the sense that I had dinner with my brothers and my best friends, and that was good.. but it's not reality of all the garbage of people celebrating that day! and then when I hear people complain about their parents I just want to shake them! scream at them! do you know what it's like to lose a parent, to have to celebrate these shitty years without them! to have to remember their birthdays, or the day they died or fathers day! imagine how that feels!
should be grateful! I will tell you right now! I'm absolutely grateful to have my mother! the strongest woman I've ever known! no matter how hard her life got, she never turned her life into chaos, she didn't stay in addiction, she decided made the decision to love her kids, and she decided to turn from drugs and alcohol and now...I believe 22 years later clean and sober.. and raised 6 kids on her own. and she is still working and volunteering in the very community that she once was a part of in the sense of once she lived down there, once she drank in that bar, once she staggered through those streets and yet here she is! she is a the executive director of a AFD, she still volunteers at places, and is well known within the community! if it were up to me she should get a reward
although she doesn't like material things! believe me.. I've gotten her almost everything in the book, she likes appreciation in the little things.. just to make her smile there's nothing like that in the world, or on christmas when I bought her the ring with all her children birth stones. she absolutely loved it and wanted that! she likes to tell people about that..
anyway i love my mom! and a lot of people say I'm like my mother in the sense that i'm working in the same community, and I don't drink, and I try and be a good example.. I fail and fall short sometimes but I'm human... I do the best I can when I can..
Regardless I guess.. according to my old counsellor.. we all are our own heroes, we all have it within ourselves to make it through hardships and make it through these difficult days.. I'm having a hard time remembering that because it's been an unbelievable time lately there's no way to express what I'm going through, or what I'm feeling.. I wish I could have it easier just for a short time you know? let something good happen.. let wonder woman save my life! lol let her make my day for a day! or a month or a week. haha
IDK... what should I do... where should I go! let me marry that woman in Germany and let me be happy! lol at least in my dreams tonight, or someone get me a ticket, and tell her to marry me! haha like Johnny Cash asked June Carter! "Marry me, you're my best friend" haha

YOLO

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Searching for a Hero

I recently heard that a country or town or city... named Wonder Woman the ambassador in an effort to raise awareness.
As crazy as it sounds I think it might inspire people to want to rise up  might want to make women, girls look up to something, be inspired by something.. not a person who definitely would let us down. I mean people are flawed... all people are.. but a fictional character that was created in what seemed a time of chaos who can say no to that? not that we all have to become warriors, or that we have to pretend to be invincible, but that we could maybe fight for those who are defenceless, to have experiences we normally wouldn't have.. because we're always told not allowed, or it's not accepted.. etc.. but Wonder Woman was a woman who had a pure and beautiful heart, and she came out in a time where the world was at war, and she in fictional place defeated all else, and rose up, and inspired others.
What's wrong with that as a inspiration? it's not like people think Superman is real, but we all admire and love his love for people, and his strength and speed, his heat vision, and his experiences. obviously no one in the world is Superman, but we all want to be like him! and even remembering if God is real he wanted us all in his image. Think about Superman? think about Wonder Woman? God "Like" creations, obviously there's a reason for them. and maybe we'll never be those types of heroes but we will definitely save someone one day, when it is our time...
Just like that woman for the life of me.. I can't remember her name.. while I was standing on the ledge, ready to jump.. I was ready to end my entire life and for whatever reason she walked into it.. yes she's only a negotiator but she saved my life... she helped me think outside the box, helped me see this wasn't the end and that I could choose something else.. and for whatever reason I listened, likely cause I was scared of dying, but she helped me... and I'll forever be grateful to her for what she did. and even as we were leaving the ledge, she asked me "why did you listen to me" what made me change my mind.. and I admit it.. she did..  she really brought me back from the clutches of a dark time.
and that goes with my lady too... she helped me through a difficult time.. and I still honestly believe that time has ended with her.. .because she is living a beautiful life where ever she is.. and I'll always remember her, I've got the tattoos to prove that. but i know and believe moving on is what's best for both of us
as for heroes.. i think the point of it all is we all have a hero inside of us, and maybe even just to save ourselves... to decide to put the blade down? to decide to make the call and ask for help, or to even decide not to eat that junk food, or have another drink... it's all the littler things, these attention to detail, and without even noticing it... realizing people were watching the entire time, and are inspired by the little things... not big gestures, just us being us..
I think... if I'm going to survive this time in my life... I'm going to have to find the hero within myself, because no one else can save me. a part of me wants to give up..
Thinking of the two face... one side was he himself, and the other was destruction and insanity... I feel like that's what i'll be... for now... a part of me wants to live, but theres this other piece of me that just wants to watch it all burn, let my life go up in smoke.. all my possessions, and all my life over and gone.
I'm struggling with this.. and I'm hiding it really well, and filling the void with anything and everything... I guess I'm just confused... what is my purpose... and when will I find someone else to love! get these crazy thoughts gone... when can someone love me..
when can I change? and change the world? Is it even possible.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

sentimental shit

I am thinking about a lot of things today... Mainly about my lady, the one woman who has stood by me for I think 8 yrs.. she has moved to Ontario.. And I'm thinking about all those years of my life.. Why or how did I find someone so amazing?
we met one another in our darkest days... she was struggling with a lot of different things, and I was struggling with a lot more different things... and I feel like we were the oddest  friends but our one passion kept us together, we wanted to change the world..
I literally drained her beyond all things... all my texts, calls, hospital visits, cutting, suicidal shit. I was a nightmare for anyone, and honestly a lot of people bounced out of my life, because I was crazy, and if people knew why it all came together I think it would have changed a lot of things, but there's too much to be ashamed about that I couldn't imagine showing that part of my life.
I think the world says... not to be the hero complex, we can't save everyone... and no matter what I did to my lady, she would still be there by my side, and she never left me.. I haven't met anyone like her, and I can't believe how heavy it's on my heart.. I wish I could tell her what's up.. but I don't know.. out of fear? out of pride? out of not wanting her to know what's going on for me... I'm avoiding her, not that I can actually avoid her, but that I stopped messaging her, I stopped trying to get whatever..
instead I'm clinging to my own self... hoping that this mindset, hoping that this feeling is temporary an that I can survive it all.. I've been through it so many times before, I know it's possible I just have to try.
I don't wish for anything to be different I think it is whatever it is.. and I think that all my purpose, all my dreams, all my shit is up to me... it's not dependant on anyone making or coming forward. it's on my own will to survive... and sadly we all have that will to survive whatever comes up.. for whatever reason we're afraid of the unknown.. I'd say that's my biggest hindrance is not knowing what will happen when it comes to an end.. but believing so strongly it will be better than what I'm living like now.
I think I want help... I want help getting a clearer mind, getting help for whatever addictions that I'm enduring.. I just want to somehow survive... but at the same time... I honestly believe this is a constant state of being... a constant place, a cycle of beast like behaviour that I'm not sure can be escaped.. what if it's like this forever a constant need or desire to just "watch the world crash and burn" watch my life go up in flames? Maybe I'm the only one who sees these things and I just don't see a reason to keep moving forward that every time I move forward I always come back to this place.
I miss her. I miss me.. I miss us.. I miss my happiness... I miss what it felt like to actually have a purpose, have a goal! I miss wanting to change the world!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

she has me thinking

So I've been contemplating this life or future or whatever... I hate when I hear that my potential is being wasted but it's absolutely true... apparently I'm a smart cookie... an I should get back into trying to go to school... but I don't know if I can do that... I mean I guess I'll try but I think I can guarantee it's slim to none chance, even if I get into school I would have to find funding..
I still think its easier to make the harder decision and just let everything go.. I don't know why i keep saying that my only explanation is that the "beast" has risen and its scratching at the surface and it's hard to supress how I feel and the feeling of lost... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know if I should be making changes in my life.. or if I should quit my job and go far away lol not that there is anywhere to go..
I honestly thought about writing my lady... but I've already tried and failed, crashed and burned... so I'm trying to be content with letting go of that whole thing, and to try and prevent her from finding anything out about me. I mean I'll always and forever love her! beyond all things and I'll always want to be there for her... but I think that she is living her life in whatever way she is and it's just time to let that be the situation? I was telling someone that she's given enough! she was there for me in ways no one ever was or is. she will always be a part of the beautiful story of my life, but I also think if she can go and live her life without worrying about me or talking to me why not?I think and maybe being selfish but think it's time to let that story end.. and new one begin or maybe not tell her..
I guess I just don't want her to worry.. I want her to believe everything is fine, and that I'm perfectly happy and content.

It's not like I'm cutting... I mean I've been able to be pretty distracted most of the time, and honestly its just I'm on the fence.. I really think that I've lived a long full life and that it's time to let go.. or just take me away.. I may not have been able to accomplish the 3 things.. but I know some people will do that for me..
I had a hard time hearing that I have this leadership skill, or this wise beyond my years, or something like my reason for existing hasn't revealed itself yet. I honestly just hope that I'm only here for someone else to survive.. like those movies where people give up their lives, give up their hearts, or give up something for someone to make it.. a piece to the puzzle, and to be able to die in that honor.

I'm acting crazy.. I know.. I'm tired..

Tonight I wanted to come home early enough to actually go to sleep! and I was driving and thought man I should pick up some water and some snacks, and cereal! I decided to go to grocery store, and as I was leaving.. this woman that i've seen in the similar circles, and through cultural events.. I seen her as i was leaving, and of course you'd think we'd just say "hi how are you" and have a good night. but her night just got heated up... her keychain broke as she was getting out of her vehicle and she had locked her keys in the vehicle, on top of which she didn't have a spare key, and she locked her phone in the car.. as she was just grabbing a couple items.
so of course.... "superman saviour mode" or a "respect my elders" to try and help. I offered to drive her here and there, I gave her my phone to use, and I did my best. and then I thought maybe someone at my moms house knew how to break into cars! and of course no they didn't but their men they have to try!
so I picked them up... and within 15 to 20 mins... YAY my brother broke into his first vehicle! lol I think i spent and hour with her trying to figure out what to do... I told her to get a spare key... I have one and it's at home.
Anyway. it all worked out... but I thought about it... I'm not exactly sure how i know this woman, aside from being around at friendship centre, or at cultural events, but we don't actually know each other. and when I told her who my mom was she seemed surprised.. but when she found out who my uncle was, she knew who I was? IDK..
so my yeah I'll go home and be in bed on time! didn't work out and my brothers and I helped this woman break into her car! and thankfully she was on her way. I gave her a new key chain that i was using to lock my Naloxone to my bag. but I never used it, so figure this is the perfect opportunity for it to be put to good use. DONE deal
but right there... that was purpose... that was reason for existence.. and that's what I think I need. is there a light is there a future for me.. can I just be given some direction or idea of what it is that i'm meant to do because as much as I love my job I know there is more that I can be doing, and I just want to move forward...or not move at all...
what if this is it? what if there is nothing else other than this because in that sense... I don't want to keep going... I hate my life and the way things are, and how I'm always struggling and can't even afford to survive as a single person. it's driving me crazy! poor people on welfare have it easier than me! YUCK!
Im losing my mind... and I'm losing my sense of belonging? my sense of purpose?


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

reason for the beast

First off shout out to my favourite friends Jessica and Merv! Jessica celebrated her bday this past weekend, and I wish I had remembered but I was all fucked up. as for Merv even if I wanted to avoid it, he made sure I was part of their day. and he was happy about the shirts I bought him! lol
I guess tonight... I'll be honest the lingering thoughts from the last few days are in my mind and what I can do to make proper changes, or else give up all together.
It's honestly really hard to think about you know... because I don't want to be selfish, I remember what I felt when my uncle Anthony died, or when Robin Williams died. I couldn't help but think what could have been done, or what how did people close to them feel. because when it comes to death by suicide I honestly believe that it's just like slipping away. and no matter what someone somewhere is kicking themselves because they thought they could change the outcome, that they could have saved that person. but from my experience you can't actually save someone if they want to end, want the pain to stop there's no real stopping it, there could be delaying it, but if someone is determined it does happen.
I don't know much... I know that most of my scars and all my nights trying to jump off shit, were just me likely crying for help and not fully understanding what it has been why I would do those things. but for the first time.. and I hope that not many take offence to this idea.
but something struck me in a way that I'm not sure how I can describe it the way it was said to me. the realization that as a first nation person who has suffered the intergenerational trauma of my parents, and their parents and parents parents etx... this has been a cycle of abuse, pain, void and torment. addictions etc. but reality is... it only takes one... one person to change the cycle.. and for some odd reason they have chosen me.
Regardless the situation is this that we're living in a world that having to understand I heard somewhere it'll take about 100 years for this generation to be free of all the oppression or all this void that I feel. so it won't be in my time that I'll see the true and fulfillment of healing. I know that I'll try and yet I'll fail... and that apparently most of the culture will feel what I feel... the feeling of worthless, the feeling of loneliness, and the feeling that it doesn't get better than this. that this is it.. there's nothing better. nothing good... that this is a pay check to pay check ,and theres nothing to accomplish..
but even as I write this.. I remember that Jessica is a student, instead of letting oppression or detours stand in her way of learning, and wanting to give back to the community she keeps moving forward, and as far as I'm aware she doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't smoke. and in this country for this kind of first nation culture to rise above all those things that tear us down, she's able to stand strong and wise and beautiful. I know that I'm always inspired by her, same goes for Margo Kane who shares our culture and heritage through talking stick festival, and sharing her stories through performance.
everyone has their ways, and I think it's important to find the way for us all.. but I'm telling you now.. I think my way has come and passed.. I remember.. my ideas of my future.. I was all excited when I attended Justice Institute of BC (JIBC) it made me fully want to become a police officer, I wanted and yearned and dreamed that would be one day... Unfortunately because of the "beast" in my life, I caused more harm to myself and my mental stability that I believe it's impossible for me to become a police officer.. then I thought I wanted to be an advocate for First Nations, because I work with a lot of First Nation people in DTES, and I've seen how some people in different organizations treat our people, and I wanted to create something that would be beneficial to them.
of course then I realized I know very little about my own heritage, my own self and that I can't lead people if I don't know what that looks like, and then remembering about my own hypocrisy that even though people are saying my current addiction isn't a huge deal... it's a huge deal in my own belief of who I want to be, and I guess that's hard for me.
so now I feel like at whatever age I'm at now.can't the world just let me go? and let my life end and I'll come back as a something.. lol
what more is there really to give back to the world that hasn't already been given? I've given my blood, sweat and tears for many. I have tried and failed, and the hardest thing is I can't even say it. but I just I don't know if its the meds or if its awaken the beast that's making me feel what i feel.. but I hope for the best to move forward but i'm also on the fence and i'm also fully ready to let go. whether that be my own self or that be nature taking whatever action...

IDK i'm confused. and I just don't know what to do..

Monday, May 29, 2017

back to the beast

you know I honestly thought I was done with all the darkness.. I thought that i somehow have done well enough in my life that I'd be ok. it was november or december that I applied for a new counsellor dude believe me that was hard, because I had entrusted one person for so many years...and now she's gone.. school and all that jazz.
anyway I applied for counselling because I was scared of how I'd feel if the surgery ever came up... as I applied to get "Nerve Block Surgery" and I was on a 6 month waiting list... so anyway I applied and I was fast tracked, because honestly this very situation.. is that I was afraid of the memories and feelings that would arise in going back to 8 years ago from when I tried to end my life, and ended up with 35 stitches in my left arm..
anyway.. the day finally arrived.. and it was somewhat beautiful! my lady was here from out of town visiting, and IDK I guess I was just glad to finally get rid of the nerve pain in my arm. and it all worked out, my lady was there and she took care of me.. she listened to my BS. it honestly made me think why in the world is she my friend? what does she get out of being my friend? anyway I was taken care of by mere and christine. and I lived... I survived with a new scar that went from my forearm to after my elbow.. one day someone look up nerve block surgery on the ulner nerve and you'll see what king of scar I have.
anyway time eased on.. living... this surgery was on May 4 so over two weeks ago.. and here I am.. struggling... feeling overwhelmed and feeling like the world is coming crashing down on me, and worse off.. that beast! that darkness, that black hole inside my soul started to rupture.. started to overflow into my life...and for the first time in a long time I thought about committing suicide, not only that but I remembered all my entries from what my plan was for after my death and how I wanted my body to be cremated, or how i wanted all my possessions destroyed and honestly the only thing that would be left of me was my two pets.
then of course having to think about how would I die? then I remembered that... for the 1st time at my age, I'm dealing with a strange situation where my heart may give out.... my heart is working too hard for the blood in me.. and who knows how long this has been going on, but one day my heart will give out and that will be the end of me. not that I can make the end of my day sooner, but I guess this is the slow death that I'll be facing. unless they find a way to fix me, but I don't want to be fixed.
in counselling we talked about the beast.. we talked about how alone I feel,and how much I miss my lady, and how I don't want to burden others the way I did with her. we talked about how my culture is a huge part of the pain that I feel, and the effects of colonization and how it played a huge part on my life, and the choices I've made, and the person I've become!
in the end it doesn't change that I want my life to end.... and that I welcome the idea because I feel like I've contributed enough of my life to others, I've given every piece of my heart away! like that story as it comes to mind.. two men walk into a room... one with a beautiful shaped, an shiny heart and the other with a broken, taped and not so nice looking heart, and some of the pieces of his heart were deformed, and wouldn't fit. and when the perfect heart guy asked why is your heart that way, he then replied... I've given a piece of my heart to people I meet, and sometimes they give me a piece of theirs which is to account for not fitting, or pieces that are missing where he loved someone and wasn't loved back.
I'm at a point in my life that I feel like my heart is done... I've given my heart and soul into everything I do, I have been a good influence as best as I can, and according to my brothers and sisters I've been a good role model.. I didn't get to do the 3 things I want to do to accomplish my life.. but I lived...
I have hundreds of people living in the world that can say they were touched by my life... and what more does the world need from me? because I'm sad.. I'm hurt
I'm disappointed in myself for my addiction, as that's what brought this all on! is that I was withdrawing last 24 hours and have to make a decision about what I want with my life... and how i want to stop being a hypocrite by telling others to quit being addicted and as much as I hid it.. I am and addict and I am hurting and I want that to stop.. so I'm making that change soon. but I'll tell you I don't ever want to feel that withdrawal again! because I felt as thought I was dying!

Im trying to figure out what I want from my life, and what more there needs to be from me... because I am ready to let go! I'm ready to say goodbye to this miserable life.. and find my next journey... I honestly hope that I keep moving forward, but I expect the hard ships to continue and my strength is fading, and the loneliness has taken hold of my soul.. I'm not sure how to survive.
hopefully another 24 hours.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Keep Moving Forward

I can't describe everything that has happened or how I've made it this far.. I've been imagining and seeing things that might not actually be there.. and on top of it all! i'm changing my entire life around and making some changes.. which makes me sad.. because I love what I have now, but I also know my limits..
Awhile ago...early January one of my most revered friends called me.. and she was telling that she has a message for me, from God.. that she dreamt it.. and man alive! when she tells me these things, it stirs something in my soul, because I know how much God loves her. Anyway the reality of it all, is that God is calling me back! now calling me back? from what? I've fallen from his grace, from under his umbrella.. carrying my own baggage of guilt and shame for what I've been through since coming back. or for other things too? IDK... or is it calling me back to Ontario? I love the idea of moving back to Ontario especially because my most amazing friend is moving from here to there, and I love her beyond anything!
Why do I love her? because she has been the one person in the last eight years who has let me scold her, push her away, kick her while she's down, lol not literally! and each time I fell, each time I cut, each time I ended up in the hospital for something stupid like trying to end my life, she would show up, and say "I'm here for you" and even though I was ashamed of the things  I had done to myself, or the messages I left on her phone, she never judged me, ridiculed me, or hated me. she has always been full of love for me.. and for that I want to be there for her, and although maybe God isn't calling me back to Ontario! I would be completely ok if he did.. I'm sorry to say that out loud...
But since living in the city.. yes I've done well but how long did it take for me to get here? how many suicide attempts, how many hospital admissions, how many failures to my family and friends. it took everything in me to get to where I am.. an part of that is yes my lady! but it's her belief in me in that helped me find faith in myself!
anyway Ontario was always my beautiful light, it was always the most powerful experience I ever had in my life! to be surrounded by the beauty, be surrounded by amazing friends! I miss it so much, and yes I'm here in the city for my family! but I rarely see them, we never have time for one another and that's hard for me.. because I still only see them around family holidays or certain birthdays, but instead of holding together, we've grown apart! I rarely speak to any of them, and I'm not really there..
Now for this part... while.. someone.. says it's a choice to continue to grieve for any loss.. but if someone knew how much my uncle meant to me, and to my family, maybe there would be some understanding? Maybe not? maybe it is a choice!
But to have enter that home.. for every christmas, thanksgiving, new years, easter, or whatever holiday it's not the same! each time in the back of my mind, along with everyone else in the house, we are expecting Uncle Dave to walk into the house and say hello jessica, or hello messy haired niece  lol.. something.. and every holiday felt whole, felt real, felt beautiful with him there.. even birthdays. when I used to celebrate my birthday, to be hugged by him, and to hear him say I love you niece, those meant all the world to me.. and I feel like I took it for granted because now I'm stuck with nothing, but a broken family! and maybe we'll be ok, maybe we'll survive as we have for nearly three years, but it hurts! IT FUCKING HURTS! i can't look at another holiday, another pie, another tortilla, or even soup... at my moms without tears coming to my eyes, because it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and someone up there is laughing at my suffering! because I still grieve for his loss, I still feel his spirit, presence with me! and I wish! I wish I could hear him again.. feel him again! I want him to know! i am trying not to let him down! and that I'm sorry I haven't driven people to the Rez but if he would've seen what I went through, I'd hope he'd understand that!
Anyway...

I can't celebrate birthdays.. I can't celebrate holidays.. nothing will feel the same, and right now the only reason I do this is because it pleases my family, my mom loves it when I show up for these events.. but it hurts me.. and I still put on that fake smile and continue on!

Will the pain ever stop! yes I believe it will! because it's been 22 yrs since I lost my father, I still remember him each time I eat ice cream, each time I drive by Stanley Park, or each time I see a father with his daughter.. I know that he loved me.. and it doesn't hurt anymore! i Just wish I could remember him a bit more it's been so long.

so for now! let me grieve.. let me feel.. let me mend with what I am going through! let me live and keep living even if it's only grain of salt at a time! I still need to heal, and I still need to grieve!

DON"T make me celebrate a specific birthday! just let the day pass as normal as if it's nothing special! although I am still happy i know exact time and place of my birth.. that made me very happy <3 nbsp="" p="">
Keep Moving Forward!