Tuesday, August 1, 2017

having a crisis

I feel like a loser...

First off, yesterday July 31, 2017 at 10:10AM, my sister delivered her son Elijah into this world, and for that I'm so proud of her... she also let me be in the delivery room with her.. absolutely amazing but not a lot of pictures I can share with the world lol.

Anyway.. Im a loser because I have a huge debt... and instead of asking for help or getting help.. I did nothing... and now... as a result of my irresponsibility my accounts at the bank have been frozen, the bank wants at least 500 dollars of  payment for an account I no longer have access too.

Believe me... its the worst feeling.. I had 95 dollars left.. that was to pay my hydro and the rest was for my food... and having zero dollars, and hearing that no matter what I do my account will remain frozen until the bank get something from me.. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have 500 dollars lying around, and I don't gamble, don't go to bingo, so I can't afford to somehow magically come up with money to pay off the debt that's over 10, 000 dollars..

On top of this... my vehicle.. I took it in to get the brakes done, and the oil checked.. and instead of a simple what 200 dollars, the place tells me that theres severe issue with this and that and it will cost over a thousand dollars.. at no time in the all the idiotic times that I've been to repair shop has anyone mentioned or told me this, and instead let it wear out, so currently only one side of my car is fixed, and that in itself too all my money  from my payday.

so no money.. no food. no gas, no coffee... not even a piece of bread.. I'm dying.. and I'm and idiot.. I had planned along time ago to go away for the long weekend, but I'm afraid now..because I'm going without any money, and I basically paid for the nonrefundable hotel so I can't even get my money back.. to cancel my trip

I honestly feel like killing self.. and I feel like quitting my job, and stop collecting so much money and blowing it on things, it's time to be poor and have nothing.. but it also would mean that Im choosing to become homeless..
I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make it to my next payday, I don't even know how i'm going to get the money from my work for any payment of anything.. I'm completely screwed..
I just don't know what to do.. besides have thoughts and desires about wanting to give up.. because I now see NO way out of this..

Friday, July 28, 2017

Psychotic

I really hope that I'm only feeling this way because I'm hungry or that I'm triggered by my constant need to come to this part of Vancouver to see my mom.. in 2009 I believe I almost died an to my follows you will remember my life back then an I wrote about it.. however I think I'm having a bad day..
My ride over here I just wish it would end... the constant concern for money, for debts, an my constant b.s of helping others an giving up my stuff for others. I wish that I could give up whatever fuckin hope I think there is. I wish I could just throw my hands up and give up... I'm constantly battling within myself.. An today I lost.. today "The Beast" has won an I just want it all to end...

I think another part to that is that I was talking to my friend an it stirred thoughts of what happened a year ago today.. I was just about off work... I guess I must have been washing my hands an I take my rings off to do that.. An for some reason I dropped the ring... An it shattered.. a stainless steel or whatever ring.. broke in two while Falling on a tile floor. I was sad but figured it would one day be replaced.. But now.. after that.. I went to a stupid dinner where I was planning on setting up my friend with this guy I know.. An it ended up he hit it off with someone else.. An i was furious.. the whole point of that stupid dinner was for these other two to talk an I guess he wasn't interested in her anyway..
I got mad at my friend.. An that was the friend that bought me that ring.. An so now.. fate... accident. Whatever it may have been...that ring is associated with that incident an it hurts me.. for who knows what reason...her an I didn't talk for a month I think..

An yet here i am... still feeling whatever I felt... An on top of that... this is her.. the one her...that I haven't spoken to in 3 months going on four months.. An ill tell you that stings.. I devoted my love an admiration to this one amazing person. And yes she's not that great she's far from perfect. But I accepted her for her who she is, I loved her for what she had been for me.

I wish... I wish I didn't think of this anymore... an on top of that my two best friends.. aren't even talking to me.. so it's like all my bridges an supports are crumbling.. an usually I'd fall back on my family an that isn't even happening... so distant an cold..
I hate my life..

Maybe a lesson in how to be independent on my own.. to not need anyone to be me or complete me.  But we are social beings, we are people who need connections, need that everything bulshit.

See these are reasons I should be allowed to give up! I should be allowed to just decide fuck it.. I want to die..
I have nothing at this very moment that is giving me reason to live another day... why cant I be a being that doesn't care.. I deserve to not care.. I still think my answer should be no to helping people.. an here I am hungry an broke.. because what oh cause I helped people.
I even offered to pay people to kill me.. but there's no amount that would make it worth it or real..
Just depressed an beast is winning today

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

look in the mirror

the letter/package has been sent... what an unbelievable weird experience.. Im not even sure what I'm wanting to say in the package...I also can't believe the journal entries I found at random... it's hard to go through the journals an a part of me doesn't want to do it all.. I just want to burn them and forget I ever lived whatever life that once was.. but I'm not exactly there yet.. so for now I slowly randomly read through them..

I had some rough days recently... I for the first time... became anxious at the reality of my life.. for the first time in a long time.. and no one would really believe I'd say this.. with the way I speak about cutting, the way I speak about this deep addiction/deep desire and need for the blade that I use for cutting.. for what seems to be the first time in a long time... I stopped carrying it (blade), I stopped allowing that piece hold me down, or give me the urge to continue to scar up my left arm... and for the first time recently I had regretted letting the blade go, and I purposely refused to come home because I knew if I did... the feeling... the relief, the love and admiration (distorted or not) there is no deeper connection for me an that stupid blade... so I refused to let myself fall back into that place, and even when I did come home I waited a few days, but the anxiety grew because for the first time I had forgotten where I put the blade.. so I found it, and have it visible at home.. but I still don't carry it with me.
I don't know what other things I do to avoid cutting, I'm guessing it's just my other addiction of zoning out, of not carrying about the world or feeling of numbness..which is similar to the feeling I get from cutting... just to feel that blade cut my arm... man alive. I hate to say that out loud but there is no greater, as that has been my one addiction since I think 15yrs... so for me to leave that at home, and to be able to stand on my own..it's pretty serious ground for me.

I know the letter I sent.. I told her... (my lady) I told her she doesn't have to worry about me anymore... that if we never spoke again, that she could know fully that "I choose life" and for me that is the biggest accomplishment to not hate my life, to not want and think and desire death... to be able to stand my ground... I had this picture of what that looked like... for so long I looked like I was on the edge, ready to die, ready to jump... and for the first time, I stand close to the edge but with courage in my heart, love in my soul and I want to live.

Honestly don't feel that way at this moment... but this is generally my life now... choosing to live.. and choosing to struggle but choosing to break through all these obstacles believing maybe.. I'll get there one day..

I'm psychotic I know! lol dangerous not! loved and cared for absolutely..
It's bringing up a lot of ideas for me... thinking of my lady and her reading that letter... I put so much into it... to say the right thing, or to be me... and to share those pieces of my journal that expressed my ultimate love and gratitude for the amazing woman she is, I could and will never love anyone more than I love her! and that's a terrible thing to say I know.. because obviously I'll find love one day but I guess I'll admit.. I'm not talking about that kind of love, but something deeper, something pure and something unconditional..
I actually had the right insane words to say.. but I didn't have a pen to write them in the letter I sent.. so I saved it in my phone.. what do you think? insane?
"Love you for now, forever and for always. unconditional, without judgement; no regrets,  love you"

maybe i heard that somewhere? I don't know.. but when I said it out loud while driving cause I was trying to remember it word for word.. I was trying to think of why i love her, how I love her..there is nothing more beautiful then the love I have for that one woman across the country.. no matter what she has done, will do, or becomes, I'll love her... unconditionally without judgement, and no regret. INSANE! I know... but if only the whole story was a movie!
She wrote how I was the butterfly, and how the beast would one day lose it's hold on me!. and although I feel it..deep deep within me, the beast that lurks in my hurt and anger... I have maybe controlled it, but it's not a butterfly that's flourishing within me, that's too beautiful.. I'm more magnificent, more unique and yes I mean the Phoenix, rising from the ashes, rising from the darkness. no matter what anyone says about who I am, and what I've done, or am going to do! I will always rise from the ashes, I'll always move forward.

but like a psycho.. I'm also fully prepared and ready to die.. if the world ended tomorrow, if I died tomorrow... I'm ready for that.. because I have loved, I have lost, and I have lived.  I'm glad to have lived all these wonderful years, and hated some of those years,but rising from the ashes and being as unique and beautiful there is nothing greater.

I look in the mirror and i don't know how I ever... thought it would never get better.. I remember those dark days, and yet here I am... I could still be in darkness, but I have the courage, strength, and love to pull through it.. I am moving forward!

I even had a dream about one day meeting that special someone, and I can't even remember who they were, but I remember the way I felt... so maybe it'll happen... maybe... it could be good... for a little while!

I miss you my lady! 143

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Butterfly....is actually Phoenix

a couple weeks ago my sister found some journals.. I've been collecting them... I am hoping to burn them... some dark stuff in the journals, and also a lot of truth in them.. I spent about 8 yrs writing about one very important person... I talked about "my lady" the woman I believe was sent to me, and saved my life... and not literally saved my life, but believed in me, and stood by me through hellish times, and never gave up on me.
I honestly wholeheartedly am psychotic but I believe that this relationship is ended.. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 months, I think of her everyday, and I miss her everyday. but for the first time in my life... I'm not desiring to be "saved" by anyone, i'm in a place for the first time that I am ok with my life; I have no imminent thoughts to commit suicide I feel ok with my life.. I do feel a  loss  with this relationship ending.. But I've written her a letter, I'm sending her two gifts. one is something I said I'd send her, and the second I'm hoping I can make into something beautiful to always remind her of what was...?! IdK it's like my youtube video that I never made! a constant idea or thought of some sort of creativity that never ends up happening..but maybe this will.

Its actually pretty sad..  I read some journal entries about my past and I just can't believe who i used to be you know? how did I ever think that way? or how did I ever make it through those terrible times, and why has this happened to me! 
I added a picture of a note that I wrote... so many years ago... I don't remember the context of why I said what I did, but I'll tell you I've never understood why "my lady" had stayed in my life, why she remained by my side, and why she wouldn't have left for all the fucked up times.. the late night calls that I was in the hospital again, or when I created the 14 inch gash on my arm, she was there... and I could not hurt her more than that.. and yet.. even inspite of that she remained, she came to the hospital, she loved me, and cared for me... nothing can be more beautiful than that friendship
anyway the note basically is her telling me that she believed in me.. and that she knew "the beast" was at whirwind of wanting to destroy my life and end it.. but that there is also something else within me that is fighting for life, otherwise why did i call for help, why did I let her stay in my life.. and she always said things like... its name is butterfly.. and I guess for a while I believed that.. but as time has gone by.. I believe it's something else!
I love and don't remember how it all came to life...but when I found out about the Phoenix and found out "rising from ashes" a huge transformation that cannot be described.. I decided this was me.. I have risen from darkness, risen from the ashes.. I am not where I was, and I'm soaring to a beautiful future that cannot be described yet..
Anyway.. I'm off topic... I'm changed.. I'm not who I was 8 years ago, and as much as I want to move back to Ontario to be with "my lady" reality is... we aren't who we were... she and I have lots of dreams and hopes and common ground but we're in different places in our lives,.. and our lives are also no longer intertwined, we are in different provinces, different lives, and she is likely happy where she is! and I'm not happy but I know that I'm not thinking of dying tomorrow. 
I have made new friend. and I have survived this 3 months with that friend. I know that I can and will find my destiny, and I'll never forget "my lady" we are forever branded with matching tattoos, and one day when she needs me.. I'll be there for her. 
so soon... when I have the money. I'll send her gift... and let that be it.. there is no reason to cry, because it is a good thing....I don't need her, she doesn't need me. we are free to live our lives, and not worry about one another.. and comparing that to eight years ago, it's incredible. if someone knew who she was back then and see where she's at now.. its a beautiful world we live in!
I will always and forever love her.. but I can love her and not have her in my life. we will love and be loved, we will share pieces of our hearts with one another and have those beautiful memories.. regardless moving on, moving forward.. 
KMF 8385

Phoenix 



Saturday, July 1, 2017

unknown citizen

I don't think anyone reading would understand an ordeal that I went there so many years ago! I don't know who I was back then, or what it is that's inside of me that wants to die (beast of burden) a darkness hidden within myself..
about 8 yrs ago... i went out to drink with some friends, I was just getting over my ex gf and she happened to be there.. and I wanted her to miss me so bad, or at least be able to handle hanging out with me with no strings attached, or IDK! what I was trying to do. so I decided to buy all the liquor for us all, and I tried to not get wasted.. I tried not to drink so much.. without knowing it.. the liquor had hit me... and everyone wanted me to buy more... and I said no... and that's the last thing I remember...
I woke up in the hospital.. handcuffed to a bed... with a strong urge to pee... i was released from handcuff to pee, and I had asked if someone had hurt me.. what had happened.. next thing I know I'm seeing a plastic surgeon to discuss the 14 inch gash on my arm... and to see if they need to repair something ?
After that... I spent 3 weeks in psychiatric care... I was for the first time... being forced to deal with "the beast" the darkness.. forced to name the thing that was buried within me, that every time I drank that I wanted to die... as I sat in the hospital bed.. IDK if it was the radio on or how I heard this one song...of course! The Rolling Stones "beast of burden" I decided or a light came on.. and I decided that's what my darkness will be called, that's what whatever is inside me that wants to die, that wants to watch the world burn, or wants me to burn.. it's going to be called the beast of burden!

I spent the 3 weeks in the hospital... bandage change every other day.. and I was so ashamed... so utterly ashamed of what had happened that I couldn't look at the wound.. I couldn't bare to see what it was... I did let my lady see it... she came and visited me in the hospital and all. My lady was my anchor and I know that no one is allowed to be given the responsibility... or no one should be put in the light like that, but I was broken! I was shattered and I was seeking, searching, yearning for a purpose.. and to look into her beautiful eyes, to have her wrap her arms around me, or tell me she loved me. nothing could ever be more fulfilling, to know that of all the people in the entire world this woman loved me, she loved me without limits, unconditionally, and without judgement.. she gave up a lot for me, she was there for me for everything..

Anyway... that's the story... of who I was.. the most significant painful thing I've ever done... maybe.. at least one of them..
but... the surgery I had in May of this year... has triggered me...
I'm sorry to the whole world of my friends who don't know that this has been a rocky road... to bring up memories, thoughts, moments that I can't and will never forget...

so I know someone in the police force.... my job allows me to connect with them... and so I decided to ask.. for the first time in 8 yrs.. I asked a police officer about the incident that night..
there was an UNKNOWN CITIZEN that saved my life...
as I stood or sat there bleeding to death on my forearm... this unknown citizen not only came to my aid, they were the one that called police, ambulance!
do you know I was with about 6 people... that night... supposedly my friends.. and not one of them was there with me.. not one of them helped me.. not one of them asked if I survived..

this unknown citizen applied pressure to my wound, and waited with me till help arrived and then that person left the scene.. and the only reason I know this person existed.. was because I called my lady... and I left a message... IDK what the message was, but it was the worst message anyone could ever leave, my lady won't tell me what I said, or what was happening..except to say it haunted her... how horrible the message was. and inspite of that..she said she could hear someone in the back round asking if I needed help, and that they were going to call 911.

SO I decided to ask the police for the report... detailed as can be... because I was blacked out when this all went down.. I don't remember anything... and honestly a part of me is grateful.. because it hurts...so much.. just writing these words out.. my eyes well up, and my heart thumps harder... because it's hard for me to talk about.

so the police report.. stated that there were three witnesses, who heard me crying screaming and bleeding. there were a couple of people who were allegedly my friends who gave statements stating that I was planing on killing myself.. and that I had cut myself with my work razors..
Unfortunately back then.. I was in construction... and I accidentally left work... that day.. with 100 super sharp razors in my back pocket.. I didn't realize it till I was far away.. I thought I'd be ok with just keeping them in my pocket.. and that was what I used to cut my arm..
1/2 and inch away from my major artery.. I survived..

it's hard to think about.. and yet... honestly... I want it to go Viral. I want that Unknown citizen to know that I survived.. not only did I survive..but that I'm not that person anymore. that i've changed my life... and I don't allow certain people in my life.. because it's not who I am anymore.. and it's sometimes hard to be this person.. but I refuse! I refuse to let "the beast" come to life! I don't care what's going on in my life! I can't let that happen...because I'm fuckin terrified! there's nothing scarier.. no nightmare, no under bed problems, this is the worst fear of my life! to know there is something deep within me, that wants to die! wants to take a blade, a pill, an accident, a bridge, a fall, or whatever...it wants me to die... the fight within me is tough and sometimes unbearable.
but I can't give up! I was and am here for a reason!
I don't know why I need to write about it...except to say I'm feeling triggered and I'm having a hard time right now... and I know people think "Just get over it" imagine where I was, and how it feels, and wait..don't imagine! just let me feel what I feel...and work through it..or not.. work through it. let me fail or succeed whatever I do.. it's on me..

To the Unknown Citizen
Thank you for saving my life!

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

joker/batman/superman

I'm still addicted to the idea of super heroes, yes Joker is in that mix.. because as much as we all hope to be like superman or batman, realistically we or I am all crazy inside anyway. haha
I'm having a hard time right now.. and it's hard to explain.. except to say that I bailed on my sister and friend today, because I am exhausted... not just from working..but from helping others, and wanting to be there for people... when realizing and knowing full heartedly that I'm an introvert! I value and thrive and recharge by moments of being alone, and spending time by myself, enjoying watching my favourite movies "suicide squad" and "batman vs superman" haha this is what recharges the whatever that it is that makes me or allows me to enjoy the world again..
I almost lost it today! to the point that I wanted to turn off my phone and just screw it all together but I couldn't.. cause of course I'm addicted to my phone but also knowing no one really messages me. I basically got mad at everyone who messaged me! and my first thought was ice cream! haha I wanted to go. but things didn't work out, and because it was a nice day! i knew I had to come home and hide away.
the world is changed so much! and even my family dynamics have changed, I've been there at home a bit more, and its hard! I love my family, and with my sisters pregnancy i do want to be there for her you know. but it's hard.. and at the same time.. she's got rarely anyone.. only because no one wanted her to have the baby... we all wanted her to stop! but she didn't  and she thought her idiot boyfriend would be there. and i told her.. i knew and seen what would happen just like every young couple they broke up, he's in a new relationship and threatening to take the baby that hasn't even been born. almost to say all my sisters hard work into working on herself, and cleaning herself up, and trying to get housing, and not using drugs blah blah blah! and yet she's having a hard time keeping it together, so I've been trying! trying so hard to help her but its hard.. I don't know anything about children, pregnancy or anything actually! because I've never and will never go through this experience.
anyway I'm trying.. and it's hard because I feel like i'm getting sick! I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.. and I need a break.. unfortunately the only break I have is in August, so I'm going to have to find a way to make it till then.. I'm hoping that means things like skydiving.. or even getting a tattoo!
I'm conflicted with my tattoo ideas! i have three tattoo ideas, and one of them I'd have to pay someone to create it which is awesome, but what shall it be... I know it's a good idea to add some tradition into my tattoo, but in something that would honour my dad.. honour my uncle, honour the men in my life.. that have died.. but have left an imprint on my life! I don't know what that looks like yet.. but I can tell you Father's day was hard for me!
no matter what I do and how much I pretend that Shi* doesn't hurt.. it still does... my uncle's birthday was june 13 I mean would have been... and he's gone.. and that was hard for me.. and then father's day was terrible. I mean it was good in the sense that I had dinner with my brothers and my best friends, and that was good.. but it's not reality of all the garbage of people celebrating that day! and then when I hear people complain about their parents I just want to shake them! scream at them! do you know what it's like to lose a parent, to have to celebrate these shitty years without them! to have to remember their birthdays, or the day they died or fathers day! imagine how that feels!
should be grateful! I will tell you right now! I'm absolutely grateful to have my mother! the strongest woman I've ever known! no matter how hard her life got, she never turned her life into chaos, she didn't stay in addiction, she decided made the decision to love her kids, and she decided to turn from drugs and alcohol and now...I believe 22 years later clean and sober.. and raised 6 kids on her own. and she is still working and volunteering in the very community that she once was a part of in the sense of once she lived down there, once she drank in that bar, once she staggered through those streets and yet here she is! she is a the executive director of a AFD, she still volunteers at places, and is well known within the community! if it were up to me she should get a reward
although she doesn't like material things! believe me.. I've gotten her almost everything in the book, she likes appreciation in the little things.. just to make her smile there's nothing like that in the world, or on christmas when I bought her the ring with all her children birth stones. she absolutely loved it and wanted that! she likes to tell people about that..
anyway i love my mom! and a lot of people say I'm like my mother in the sense that i'm working in the same community, and I don't drink, and I try and be a good example.. I fail and fall short sometimes but I'm human... I do the best I can when I can..
Regardless I guess.. according to my old counsellor.. we all are our own heroes, we all have it within ourselves to make it through hardships and make it through these difficult days.. I'm having a hard time remembering that because it's been an unbelievable time lately there's no way to express what I'm going through, or what I'm feeling.. I wish I could have it easier just for a short time you know? let something good happen.. let wonder woman save my life! lol let her make my day for a day! or a month or a week. haha
IDK... what should I do... where should I go! let me marry that woman in Germany and let me be happy! lol at least in my dreams tonight, or someone get me a ticket, and tell her to marry me! haha like Johnny Cash asked June Carter! "Marry me, you're my best friend" haha

YOLO

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Searching for a Hero

I recently heard that a country or town or city... named Wonder Woman the ambassador in an effort to raise awareness.
As crazy as it sounds I think it might inspire people to want to rise up  might want to make women, girls look up to something, be inspired by something.. not a person who definitely would let us down. I mean people are flawed... all people are.. but a fictional character that was created in what seemed a time of chaos who can say no to that? not that we all have to become warriors, or that we have to pretend to be invincible, but that we could maybe fight for those who are defenceless, to have experiences we normally wouldn't have.. because we're always told not allowed, or it's not accepted.. etc.. but Wonder Woman was a woman who had a pure and beautiful heart, and she came out in a time where the world was at war, and she in fictional place defeated all else, and rose up, and inspired others.
What's wrong with that as a inspiration? it's not like people think Superman is real, but we all admire and love his love for people, and his strength and speed, his heat vision, and his experiences. obviously no one in the world is Superman, but we all want to be like him! and even remembering if God is real he wanted us all in his image. Think about Superman? think about Wonder Woman? God "Like" creations, obviously there's a reason for them. and maybe we'll never be those types of heroes but we will definitely save someone one day, when it is our time...
Just like that woman for the life of me.. I can't remember her name.. while I was standing on the ledge, ready to jump.. I was ready to end my entire life and for whatever reason she walked into it.. yes she's only a negotiator but she saved my life... she helped me think outside the box, helped me see this wasn't the end and that I could choose something else.. and for whatever reason I listened, likely cause I was scared of dying, but she helped me... and I'll forever be grateful to her for what she did. and even as we were leaving the ledge, she asked me "why did you listen to me" what made me change my mind.. and I admit it.. she did..  she really brought me back from the clutches of a dark time.
and that goes with my lady too... she helped me through a difficult time.. and I still honestly believe that time has ended with her.. .because she is living a beautiful life where ever she is.. and I'll always remember her, I've got the tattoos to prove that. but i know and believe moving on is what's best for both of us
as for heroes.. i think the point of it all is we all have a hero inside of us, and maybe even just to save ourselves... to decide to put the blade down? to decide to make the call and ask for help, or to even decide not to eat that junk food, or have another drink... it's all the littler things, these attention to detail, and without even noticing it... realizing people were watching the entire time, and are inspired by the little things... not big gestures, just us being us..
I think... if I'm going to survive this time in my life... I'm going to have to find the hero within myself, because no one else can save me. a part of me wants to give up..
Thinking of the two face... one side was he himself, and the other was destruction and insanity... I feel like that's what i'll be... for now... a part of me wants to live, but theres this other piece of me that just wants to watch it all burn, let my life go up in smoke.. all my possessions, and all my life over and gone.
I'm struggling with this.. and I'm hiding it really well, and filling the void with anything and everything... I guess I'm just confused... what is my purpose... and when will I find someone else to love! get these crazy thoughts gone... when can someone love me..
when can I change? and change the world? Is it even possible.