Monday, October 16, 2017

memories

today we celebrated my mom's 23 yrs of sobriety... it's been a long time since we decided that we are now divided.. I guess my family misses me, and loves me a lot.. at least my brothers and my older sister... I made it awkward because all of these people sat close to me... I paid for everyone's meal inspite of the fact that my sisters hate me.
I honour my mom by paying for her dinner, by paying for her cake. and by driving people home. I couldn't speak at the meeting, this is one of the first among many years of not speaking.. it wasn't hard... I don't know the entire crowd of people hear about the same story I basically share. my mom is a warrior, a survivor.. it was a little strange having people remind me of the past...
my younger brothers and sisters have it much easier than I do. which is hard to accept sometimes. I mean I'm grateful my mom smartened up by the time my younger brother was born.. but before that... for the near ten years of me suffering in those addictions...
I often find myself having flash backs... of times in my life that I'd wish I had forgotten.. I know it might "make me stronger" but it doesn't make it easier to remember what happened to me, or how I was raised, or what I went through... what I would have given just to have been loved... just to have been cared about, just to have mattered. it's hard to accept that even today.. theres a woman that loves me and wants to spend her life with me.. but because of my own history I guess it's hard to accept for myself.
I'm struggling with so much right now.. and you know when I told everyone about how my family an I aren't talking, and how I spent the holiday alone, for those that have known me for many many years.. they honestly see this as a blessing that I am not with my family, or entangled by them. it's better for me because it means I'm focusing on myself.. A lot of words fly through my friends minds, and mine when I think of what my family does to me.. apparently they manipulate me, they use me, and they take take take.. they drain the life out of me, and I give up so much for them because it's sometimes hard for me to say no to them i used to be the one person they all respected and admired.. and now I'm hated because I stood my ground, because I finally said no.. I couldn't help and couldn't support them and because of that I was the worst person alive. instead of understanding that I live in a shitty apartment, and I Drive a vehicle and I have responsibilities etx. they cut me out..
I told them again today not to remind of anything.. I thought it was interesting. my brothers and I are so similar in many ways.. we all have huge giving and loving hearts, we are passionate and kind and amazing..
but the other part of us that we have.. is that we hide a lot of everything.. tonight at the meeting everyone brought up my uncle Dave, honestly his death was the worst thing I could ever feel as and adult.. it was hard to hear about him. and brought tears to my eyes, because he was a beautiful man who loved and gave gave and gave. and he's gone.. and he connected us all... no matter what happened every holiday we were together for him.
my brother and I.. know how to bury the pain, the frustration, the anger, we are all good at tossing it aside or shoving it deep within. when people talked about my uncle, my friends even cried but I sat stone faced, not because I don't love my uncle or miss him.. but that I was raised in a different way. feelings aren't part of who I am... I don't know how to be happy anymore.. even someone said how great it would be to be normal.. Fuk I don't even know what normal is for me anymore, I showed my friend some pictures of years ago when I was not here.. and she couldn't believe how happy I was, and she basically told me to go back to that happiness.. that happiness is not here in BC... it's in Ontario..
Recently that conversation I had. because I'm talking about depression and how it's effecting me, or how hard it's been, and my friend asked.. how did you survive all these years... the past 8 yrs I survived.. because of one person, and although you should NEVER put that on anyone about being there for you, or putting that much power or devotion whatever the damn word is... I did... I put it all on one person... and she had been there for the good the bad the ugly. she had seen me at my best moments, she made me smile, made me feel love and give love, she will always be my entire world.. and she's been gone since May. and that has been a huge toll on my life that I tried for so long to pretend it didn't hurt or that it didn't matter..
and  i think a huge part of where I am at.. is because the connection, because of us not being together, talking, emailing, writing letters etx. nothing has us connected... that I'm realizing this was the end.. the end of it all, an although she'll probably think of me... during moments in her life.. this was the end.. and we will not likely be friends like that again..
so on top of all this darkness all these foggy clouds, and rain and sadness.. trying to cope with being alone, and not having that kind of person.. and although I have to do it on my own.. I cannot tell you or explain to you...the power I had just having her in my life, the love I felt just hearing her voice or seeing her face. she was my whole world, and no one could ever compare or compete with her.. she was my lady, she was my love. and I miss her
during these hard times I wish she would say something anything. I'm struggling with the constant life of everything. and I made it the last 8 yrs because I had her... I don't know why it mattered so much, but just having someone not give up on you, having someone watch out for you, care for you, love you unconditionally without limits, boundaries or boarders. someone i could be honest with, and talk too, someone who genuinely cared in a deep way that will never be known to the world.
my heart and soul always being intwined with hers.. I feel lost and I'm scared
I'm scared about the next few steps in my life.. and although I have a new best friend, while she's one of my best friends.. it's not the same.. it doesn't feel the way it felt before.. and I'm struggling with that... I need to get further help etx and I guess thats what I've done. I just hope... that I survive the next few weeks.
the only thing i say if I don't survive at least I can say I tried, I did my best, and I probably went out with knowing I tried.. maybe I failed in some ways, but I loved, lost and learned. and i loved with all my heart, and I lost all my broken pieces, and I learned to glue them back together. I tried to keep moving forward and if that isn't enough I don't know what it.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Fuck Family

I hate my life... Just to even have this post about having so much hatred to my family.. is a lie. I'm hurt.. and I can't express that anywhere but here...
A few weeks ago... I got into an argument with my sister over money of all things. and it turned into an uproar that I'm not even part of my family anymore. and a few weeks before that an argument with my other sister.. because I spent an entire day trying to put Elijah to sleep, and I asked her to be quiet because we were literally sitting in silence. and she blew me off.

Ever since than.. family stuff has been broken... My sisters wrote some shitty ass stuff about me on Facebook. and I went on social media and disowned my family.. apart from my mom and my one brother.
this is or feels like the first holiday that I'm not with them. I refused to walk into an awkward situation where people can make me feel worse than I already feel. It's been weeks since I seen or talked or heard about Elijah. I told everyone close to me not to mention my family, or Elijah.
my heart feels completely broken... shattered beyond anything...
I'm having a hard time surviving without family..
I don't know about the world today.. but I was raised where my family values are my value in general, my family is my everything, and that I would do or be anything for them. and i guess now I'm the villain for them. I'll be the object they can hate for however long it lasts, but I'll tell you its breaking me.
even as I write this tears run down my eyes.. as I feel I have failed..

when my uncle died... I promised him I'd always be there for my family, part of taking his vehicle was to honour him in what he did for my family.. he drove them places, went on road trips, and went to all the family dinners. he was a huge part of my life, and the lives of my brothers and sisters. and here I am failing him.

I'm sure he's looking down on me thinking how stubborn I am.. how I should just tell them... tell them that I need them.. that I am nothing without them.
I haven't even talked about that with anyone..

How hard it is to be alive... or to have even made that choice so many years ago to keep going..
it has always been so hard to be recovering from my deep wounds... physical and emotional.. but it always seemed worth it because I had family, I had purpose and reason. I had the connection that many people might have.
but now that I am alone.. an have been alone for days.. I'm losing focus... reason to keep moving forward. most of the time wanting to just forget I ever existed. most of the time wishing I didn't stop drinking or stop using drugs..

I'm having a really hard time..

next sunday my mom is taking her cake of sobriety for the 23 yrs..

I'm struggling at the idea of being surrounded by people who support her, but also by family that's now divided because of me. I know if I go there it'll be awkward and people won't care, but people also will treat me like garbage. and although it's not about all that, it would turn into that. so I don't know if I should go

you know the greatest thing about my family... well the family I had? was that they were always resilient. we were all the phoenix rising from the ashes....
My mom had made a decision 23 yrs ago... to quit letting drugs and alcohol control her life, and even when my dad died not even a year later she still stood strong, she had been in relationships where men had abused her, or where we were assholes to her. she could have given up.. she could have went back to a shitty lifestyle no one would have blamed her.
A few times my mom threatened that she would go do these things.. but never did.
she's resilient because she decided family was more important... that I was important, that my brothers and sisters were important. or that even her being sober was important. and for 23 years my mom made positive choices, and became a beautiful influence in our lives.. someone we can look up to and admire.
I am grateful for my mom of all people.. she is my inspiration and she is the most amazing woman I'll ever know.
regardless of my family differences I guess this is the one thing we all agree on... is that she has fought for my family, she has made a choice to be the voice of reason.
Growing up in my time... was hard.. made me scared of the world... I struggled for my many years because of the addictions of my parents, I was always put in vulnerable situations where I became a victim. but I made a choice too... keep moving forward and be resilient that things could get better.

that better is not here.. I'm crying, and heart broken at the thought that I'll be exiled for who knows how long. because of some stupid petty argument, that maybe if they knew my situation maybe they'd have some understanding.
but that's the ting about being the younger sisters... they can't know everything.. they can only have pieces of my reality.. I'm sure if they knew.. maybe they'd be forgiving.

I don't know what to do... besides to write.. because my heart is hurting today..

I need something good... sometime soon.. because I'm scared of where I am heading... theres too much darkness happening right now.. that I'm feeling consumed..


Tuesday, September 26, 2017

no one ever tells you the truth

I don't even know where to begin... I'm so disappointed in myself and my choices...
so... I guess I'm completely insane, and I hope that anyone who reads these posts doesn't really know who I am... that I'm just going to rant about all this bs because it helps at least I hope it does..
I asked for advice from different people and had different responses about whether the choices and decisions I'll make are even worth it... some say yes maybe, others say definitely no because it would destroy everything that matters.
so I am the worst person the face of the planet... I'm supposed to be loving this one person not forever, but at least caring for her and wanting her in my life in a way that isn't with anyone else. for some time this was true, I made an effort.. I avoided even looking at other people. and I only wanted my current girlfriend..
I made a decision that I thought was just between friends and nothing more.. and I guess I opened the door to something else.. something that can damage not only my current relationship but my friendship and I don't know what to do.. because a part of me wants to let go of all my morals and whatever I am and just say yes I want this.. and yet the other part of me.. is that my friend is someone who knows me beyond all things, all my everything...like nothing can be more personal then what her and I have... and here I am all confused... because I'm supposed to be not feeling what I feel. and now I'm confused.. because I don't know what I want anymore... and if I open this door any further it could destroy our friendship and we may never be friends again. and do you know how that would work? I guess it could be ok.. because I'll be moving away anyway..
but my current girlfriend wants me forever...but she's also in another province which is why things are so difficult to figure out.. because she's not here... I see her maybe 2 times a month in person, but otherwise I'm alone...aside from the random Skype nights that we talk, but even then we don't talk about much.. we don't have that much in common, and we have different tastes in everything. it's almost like two opposites. which made it seem more fun because it's an opportunity to grow, and also IDK.
but in my previous relationship... I used to say thinking of it is cheating... thinking of sleeping/kissing or touching another person is considered cheating...whether that be true or not.. IDK. but if it's true than I've already been an idiot because I wanted to sleep with my friend... except that nothing has actually happened, we just talked... and were like intimate and connected in a way that no one really knows... i guess? but then the other part of that.. is i  continue.. with that.. she'll know all my flaws, all my good and bad, all my moods etc.. it's almost predictable..
here I am stringing along my current girlfriend because I wanted to be with her.. I like the person I am with her, and I like how she pushes me to grow and be more than I am..
I know it almost seems obvious that we go for the things that are more challenging... but the whole being 964 kms apart is causing me issues because I can't cry in the arms of my love, I can't sleep and wake up next to my love, and I can't randomly see her at any point.. it takes forever just to get to her.. so I don't know if it's worth it.
she's not able to move here and I'm not able to move there.. I mean not at this time... if things change with my work I might consider it.. but my job is keeping me here, because I'm good at this work and I want to continue with that.
the other part..is maybe understanding my friend may be just experimenting with ideas but doesn't actually know what it's like to be in a relationship, so for her it could be just a fling with me.. where as I could likely get attached and want everything, and I'd not be able to handle the break up and/or the thought that maybe it's just a fling, a crush, a fun thought..

I wish I wasn't in this place... because I don't know what to do.. and if I am honest about what has happened..then I could lose my friendship and my partner. so I don't know what to do..
I don't know how to close a door once it's been opened... I'm worried about how that would look and how that would play out... because I think a part of me will always desire more, but also be completely understanding about the decision and what it will cost.. maybe I should remind her of that and see how she'd like to proceed.. or should I be straight up and say I can't.. now is not the time for me to be acting or reacting to those moments, because I am in a relationship and last thing I want to do is hurt her. although if she finds out, it will have already hurt her.. and she wouldn't forgive me for it.

losing my mind.. and I don't know what the heck to do anymore

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

chaos and falling apart

you know when I'm around my family in the beginning I always think wow this is so great why didn't I do this more often because they are great people blah blah blah.
then the little things happen and it's like the snowball effect it just gets worse and worse and worse to the point it's unbearable.
I can't be a part of my family and their stuff... because its like I used to always say about the snake who eats it's prey.. it sucks the life of it's prey before swallowing it whole..
honestly exact same that happens to me when I'm surrounded by my family.. when I begin to let them back in my life, and begin to do the little things like helping them go from A to B, or even just listening to their bs etx... the little things begin to add up, and my heart begins to crumble, and I get pulled in every direction, to the point I forget that I have nothing at home, I haven't even taken care of myself or my cats, or my home, and I'm back to old thoughts of ending everything because it's to overwhelming..
and then when I release that.. when I let that go... in the way of my addiction that's been around for about 17 yrs... when i go back to that chaos, when I open the door to the beast.. and when I try to shut that door.. it's not helping/working or happening.. and now I'm back to the person I used to be.. I mean from the outside of the box people look in and think how great I am that I'm helping my family, what they don't see is I feel like I'm a slave, obligated and ordered to help them and it sucks the life out of me, and when that happens... I become the darkness.. crazy thoughts set in etx.
and I know what your thinking what about boundaries, what about half way in half way out, etc.. believe I wouldn't be where I am today..

regardless I guess of course with all things in my life.. I'm struggling.. my heart is feeling pulled and broken and is shattering..
the only good thing about it all.. is that I traveled to Alberta... I went to see the one person I had hoped loved and cared and cherished me.. and of course she did, and it was more than just those things.. and now I'm considering relocating... yes I know insane cray.. but I just don't know what there is else here for me in the city, I always said that I came back to this horrible place for my family, I came to protect them, defend them, and to kill that one person who hurt someone in my family.. and all the most have been done, except killing the child molester..only because I can't find him.. anyway I just don't see a point in me being here any more.. I don't see purpose for me in the city, with my job, friends and family... everything is falling apart. and I'm sure I'm just being crazy and thinking about running away from problems and how that doesn't solve anything...
it will solve the one thing! that I'll get out of the grip of my family..and maybe find some sort of happiness for myself.

I'm currently losing my mind.. and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't know how to walk away and be ok with whatever bs I have going on.. I am going to consider Alberta, because I love the person that is there,and I think that I can be happy... for some time.. and I think I deserve that right about now... in this time in my life.

Monday, September 4, 2017

deadbeat dad return

I can't describe how stupid it is that I have to be outside of this looking in, and seeing my sister make a big mistake, believing this piece of shit could change, or that he cares for his kid or my sister. the sacrifices she makes for him, and I'm tired of it..
I may lose my chances of seeing Elijah but at least I won't beat the shit out of his dad. so I guess it's a bonus, I can't sit by and watch my family welcome him in the house, or let him treat my sister the way he does, and I can't stand by and let that all happen. so I have to do whats right for me.
I already told my sister this last payday it would be the only time I help her with Elijah, I bought him formula, diapers, a swing, we picked up a crib, changing table, I bought him new outfits etx. I did all I can, and the father did nothing.
so I'm walking away and letting them figure shit out and hope that I'm wrong about this piece of shit father.
I hate the world today and I hate how things are.. I wish it was easier, I wish I could have hope for someone like him, but I've known so many people like him, there's nothing to like.
I am going to have to step away from my family, step away from Elijah.. and just take care of myself, and in that it will be very alone and very sad.. but I don't have a choice..
lately I've been having flashbacks of my past and the person I used to be.. and I must say that I'm disgusted at the person I used to be, and it only took one person to actually believe in me, actually an entire group of strong women that believed in me, and never gave up on me.. but for this deadbeat dad, that likely doesn't exist, because he's not ready for that change.. he knows how to talk all the talk but he doesn't know how to be there for his kid or the mom..
He F's off every chance he gets, and does fuck all to help the family, and my family still accepts him and lets him sit in their house..
I won't even let him sit in my car. piece of shit.
I'm so angry..disappointed...hurt? I know that I'm being proud and/or stubborn more so being judgemental against this one person..but if you knew what he has said and done to my sister, you'd understand why I despise him.
My sister and Elijah deserves someone better than that... someone who actually loves them, and will take care of them, rather then being distant and demanding my sister to do everything.. she's exhausted enough with having the baby, and recovering from that, this guy just doesn't care.. if he care he'd do more for her, more for his son.. what's important to him is his addiction, and making my sister help curve his cravings with other things
I am disappointed in my family because they just let him sit there.. if it were me I'd make him feel like garbage, so uncomfortable his only safe place is in my sisters' room because he's not welcome.
the downfall to this is that I lose Elijah... it's already been two days since I seen him, and it's a lot of deadbeat dad that's stopping me from seeing him.. it hurts.. i love that kid so much, but he's not my kid, and he's ok with his mom and my family... at no real time does he actually need me at all... I just think that he does, because I've missed 5 days since he was born, but well 7 days now..
I don't know what to focus on if it's not seeing him.. and that is also hard.. because my life has been consumed by Elijah, he's become my whole world that now losing him... I don't know how I'll survive.
I'm sure I'm being dramatic... lets put it in this pathetic sense... everyone who's anyone has seen "twilight" more so the last one before Bella becomes a vampire... she gives birth to a baby, and Jacob... imprints on that baby... and it was in that moment he knew his whole life was meant for this one kid.. to protect her, guide her etx...blah blah cheesy blah blah
My whole purpose is to protect and love Elijah, and to take him away from me... hurts like hell and it's like my heart is now broken... and he's the only one that can make that better...until then...

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

deadbeat dad

I realize more and more why I refuse to have children... there's so much uncertainty in this world, if couples will stay together for benefit of a kid, or even make a plan to go to counselling, have date night, what ever it takes to stay together...
I have watched for the past 2 to 3 weeks my sister pine over a deadbeat dad, who bailed on his son... he doesn't care about his son, he doesn't care about his family. he basically uses my sister for all this stuff and when she has nothing he F's off and goes sleeping with other women, and doing drugs and drinking. he is incapable of being a father, and is no good to Elijah.
I hate the world that accepts this disappointment.. I feel more hurt that I believed him... in the hospital and the first 2 weeks, he spouted all this b.s that he's going to be a great dad, and great parent, great boyfriend, and how he's going to wear matching clothes, how he's going to teach his son all this b.s and yet after two weeks he gave up.
he called my sister with b.s like he is scared, he doesn't want to do it, and he is going to sign over full custody to my sister, and then turns back on it. he threatens to get my sister in trouble and get Elijah taken away from him. and then if not that then he gets in his b.s addiction and depression stating he's going to harm himself, because his heart is going to give out.
I seriously despise him.. I have missed 5 days out of Elijah life... 5 F'in days out of his life! I am willing and able to take on Elijah full time! I offered and everything.. I am preparing my home for Elijah to be with me at the drop of a hat, because their relationship is so unstable... anything could happen, and if Elijah safety becomes an issue than they will call me.
I don't want Elijah forever, my sister is a great mom.. she loves him so much, and she's changed so much.. she fights for her son! she doesn't drink, she doesn't f' off every 5 minutes to make poor choices. she chooses everyday to be there for her son.. and for that I applaud her, and I'm so proud of her.
the only downfall for my sister is the idiot boyfrend, not even boyfriend he's the deadbeat dad who when he feels like giving my sister attention he comes around.. and then pays my other sister to watch Elijah rather then getting up and taking care of his own kid, he even refuses to hold his own kid seriously what the F!
I have barely let Elijah go, tomorrow I am buying him a swing, diapers, milk and more warm onesies, and what has his father done? his father has lied and lied and lied... his father has decided junk food, drugs and alcohol are more important than his own kid.. which sadly is the reality of the world where I am from.. but when I spoke with deadbeat he told me he'd be great, he spouted all this b.s that I believed.. so unless I can punch him in the face and kick him in the junk, and tell him to go to detox where he'd actually listen to me.. that is the only time I'll actually listen to him, and give him a grain of salt of respect for anything.

basically when he stops being so F selfish... when he decides to make the choice my sister made when her son was born, and when that day comes! Maybe I'll have respect for him.. MAYBE.
I don't like be disappointed and so far he's done nothing that has caught my attention, and he has done nothing that is worth my time.

It's insane... Elijah was born one month ago... greatest kid ever... I love that they came to visit me at work.. even though not only did elijah spit up on me, he also peed so much that went through his diaper and onto my shirt.. haha
Id take that any day of the week, rather than feel any bad feelings toward him. and I hope when he grows up, that he remembers me... and knows how much I love him,and how much I'm looking out for him..
I'm sure I'll be his crazy aunt! but I'll be able to love him unconditionally and without question..
but it had me thinking for sure..

I thought how great it would be to go through that terrible process to have the greatest gift ever! to have a kid... and as much as I want that! as much as I'd love to have a baby to love, and to grow them up in a beautiful way, and let them be who they are, and teach them our language, traditions, and culture etc. or even how to do soccer and whatever the kid wants to learn.. and travel with them at a young age, or whatever the case may be.
I always thought I wouldn't want kids...but my baby craze has  me clipped on this idea that I want a kid... I want to share the love I have and to teach beautiful things, and to feel that connections only mothers have with their children.. but..
but.... the world we live in is cold.. the world we live in is dark... and yes light can shine in darkness, but it won't always work, sometimes darkness snuffs out the light... sometimes things are so dark and turmoil that it's just unbearable..
I couldn't raise a kid in a world like this... I am still discriminated against, I still am the minority, and I still am living in a world where people are talking about nuclear missiles, and war, and whatever else.. let alone not to forget... that there are thousands of abandoned children in Social Service system, there are children starving in 3rd world countries that could probably love some help.
My only option if I'm ever in any position would be to become a foster parent.... as much as I want to share my life with a baby, I think that becoming a foster parent is the next best thing, to be able to love young people, teenagers, or whatever the case may be.. to make a change in people's lives, to even just tell someone that I believe in them..
this would be just about as fulfilling as having a baby.. and that's why I won't have a baby.. there are so many First Nations children that are in the system who need nice homes that aren't racist, and aren't calling our parents dirty indians etc. Idk that's juts my experience from when I was in foster care, I only had 2 families that actually loved me, everyone else treated me badly..

I am just confused...and hurt right now.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

#FOE

I've been pretty quiet lately only because I'm absolutely going crazy and losing my mind with the chaos of life.. and mainly.. that I've worn myself thin with trying to help my family specifically my sister who just had a baby... I've been going there for about 20 days straight, everyday after work I'm there, when my nephew opens his eyes he sees me. and I tried.. to tell my sister all these ideas, and all these back up plans that if she needed help with this or that.. I tried to be that for her.. believe me I love my nephew.. I love him beyond all things.. there is no greater love than what I have for my nephew. I even looked it up in my native language about how to call my nephew by our language. I decided I could call him nephew in First Nation language "Stí:wel" which means nephew. I figured I'd let him grow up hearing me call him that..
I have pictures of everyday of being with him, I even have taken pictures of his hands and his feet and his head. lol I'm the one that he sleeps on my chest, head close  to my lower chin, and he curls up and just stays there as it's his most comfortable place. I bought all these things for him so that of all things, he'd not go without.
I know it's extreme I'm sure it is.. but I didn't realize how much I love kids, or this kid.. there's something beautiful about this kid coming into the world.. but I'll still refuse to have my own kids, after everything I've seen in this world.. there's no way I can do it

so on top of this.. my sister boyfriend. baby daddy, piece of garbage... at the hospital.. he talked.. talked about how much he'd be there, how much he'd give up so much for his son, how they are going to dress the same, how he's going to be this that and the other thing.. and then he fucked off.. he left on Friday saying that he can't do it.. my sister was hurt.. i was angry. and he basically ignored my sister and his son for about 5 days, and now it's social assistance week, and he comes crawling back to my sister because she will have money.. and she's buying him this and that and bulshit after bulshit. she's not smart.. as soon as Friday hits he will be gone, knowing he spent all her money, and did all this shit to her.. and he'll leave, he has already made it clear that he doesn't care about my sister, he's already said that he wants custody of their son. This guy has done nothing but cut my sister down, telling her how incompitent she is, how she isn't a good mom, or how she isn't pretty or some abusive cycle that if I see him.. I'll punch him in the fuckin face.
And my sister... she lets him.. she lets him come back, she lets him walk all over her. treat her like garbage and take take take and then fuck off.. she lets it happen..
and I can't stand by and watch. I decided to put my foot down and say fuck this.. I don't want this guy around my nephew, don't want him near me.. and so of course my sister gets stupid and decides to step away from me..
now I don't even have my sister or my nephew.

The cycle of abuse.. the abuser..the abuse person.. I cannot describe enough how hard it is for me to stand by and watch this shit happen... but I work in places that have these exact things happening.. and so.. I know.. the only way I can deal with this is.. is to step away.. and wait.. and when my sister is ready... she'll hopefully make the right choice for her and her son.
Believe me... I want to be there to support my sister to encourage her all these things.. but right now she's refusing to listen to me, alls she thinks is that he's good for his son.. but that's not true.. he won't even remember this guy cause he's going to fuck off. because that's exactly who he is..
my sister tells me give him a chance.. if he wanted to be taken seriously he'd go to detox, he'd go to treatment he'd get the help he needs to get away from drugs and alcohol. and he'd stop cutting down my sister telling her how ugly she is, or how this that or other thing.. but he doesn't and so therefore I see no change and the cycle continues.. and I'm disappointed

the downfall for this for me.. is that I lose the connection with my nephew. I don't get to see him, don't get to hold him. today I went out and bought him a few items.. that he might like, I got a new baby on board sign for my car.. and now... that's all gone.. it hurts like my heart is being ripped from my chest... I absolutely love this kid and now just like that.. he's gone...
I stand my ground... even though I'm losing those valuable beautiful moments with my nephew.
I don't know how to stand up for my sister. all's I can do is to continue to support her and tell her what she hopefully already knows, that this is wrong and that's it's not normal for a man to say shit like he does, or act the way he does... I mean he goes off and sleeps with other women... seriously what is my sister thinking.. but I think he has her so entangled...
I will wait till it all falls apart again.. and hope to continue to tell her that she deserves better, and so does her son..

I just wish.. it wasn't so hard to show them you know.. show her what I see in her! show her that she deserves better... and even if that better comes along, she'll probably fight it because she'll think she doesn't deserve it or something. IDK>
I pray one thing... that she sees the truth soon! and that she fights for full custody of her son..

until than...my heart is broken knowing I can't see my nephew.