Monday, February 5, 2018

to the women I loved and lost

this will be a weird entry because I am feeling at a loss... it's really strange to have to think this or write it or know it, or feel it.. so for years and I mean many years I have had two steady women in my life, that I have loved... and I mean love beyond all things, that i would an have done anything and been anything for them. I have always been felt or desired them, but always understood that we would be friends.. always hoping dreaming one day it would change.. and then to find out both were and have been going through all these relationships... and not even seeing what's in front of them..
always wondering would you just look look at me. so obviously I sort of gave up, put it on the "back burner" so to say.. and I have been in relationship, one night flings etx.
anyway recently both women who have never met each other, or anything..both women know how much they mean to me.. one more than the other, only because I have two tattoos for the one woman, was the whole you mean the world to me so I will brand myself with you forever idea.. maybe? i don't know I had to think about the thing/person that inspired me, lite up my world etc and only one woman came to mind. so I decided to get a representation of her on my arm beautiful tattoo, and she absolutely loved it.
anyway I'm off track... so first girl... woman! lives in Germany I've known her since I was in my late teens and she left back to Germany but we remained in touch for all of these years.. and I have written her, sent pictures, she sent me an entire album of her beautiful face. and I have sent her a couple of awesome pictures. anyway I've felt like I poured my soul to her, by writing her emails, sharing my heart, my thoughts, emotions in depth that I don't share with anyone else. and anyway recently after many relationships for her, and lots of heart ache for her, and i have tried to be there for her even though I'm THOUSANDS of miles away. I always told her I would take a trip there, I finally have the passport but then I'm in major debt and I can't even save I don't even know how. anyway so recently she wrote me...and told me she's getting married... and a part of me is happy for her just as anyone should be. but the other part is wishing she could have seen it... seen me... felt me... known me in a way that she hasn't known me... that I wouldn't have waited so long and maybe she would have loved me.. instead she's getting married to live happily ever after.. at least that was her last email to me, I haven't heard anything since.. and I tell you for me reading that... my heart sunk.. the woman I have wanted, yearned and desired is now going to be off the market.. she'll always be one of my greatest friends but I won't even be able to tell her how I felt...or what I thought.. I don't even know if I will ever even make it to Germany. I always wanted to go, it's in the top 3 places I am wanting to got to before I die.
the second woman.. is far beyond any woman in the entire world! no woman, no relationship no friendship has ever been able to top this woman, she has been the pillar of strength, loyalty and resilience a combo of greatness that I cannot even match.. no relationship I have ever had could even compare to this.
a love so deep beyond all things... and I mean beyond all things! when I met her I loved her. there was a beauty in her that I could not comprehend.. I had to have her in my life. and although she came into my life at a very low point in my life she came into my life, and stuck by me in a way that no one has ever... and although she often said things that were different.. my ex gf back then told me the truth once this always this. and I didn't believe her.. and yet here I am! here I am once again reading an email that is exactly what she has always known.. and I'm baffled... the woman I have loved for so long, the way her eyes, her laugh, her hands, her everything and to hear her tell me she finally has seen the light, finally seen what my ex already knew.. and to hear her say the same thing.. she is madly in love... and I again sink... to the bottom of the ocean
tears flow through me as I realize is this really happening...can I wake up from this dream. and of course my friend tells me tell Germany the truth.. the truth that I love her, and I would pick up and move there and marry her.. but reality sinks in.
before last summer yes.. I would have picked up bought a ticket and went to Germany just to tell her I loved her.
but now... things are different....
I'm the "foster parent' the aunt to a child that is in my care. I have been caring for him the way a mother does, and I have been connecting with him the way a parent would. and i have bonded with him the way a mother should. he is connected.. he can't sleep unless he feels my hand on his chest, he can't sleep unless he has that special bear that is our bear. he can't sleep unless he hears me sing (terribly sing) the song that puts him to sleep.
my life now is changed... forever! after he leaves I"m sure I will want to go through it again with my own child, but at the same time I'm torn because of the way his IDIOT parents are I'm thinking he's going to be right back here with me again, and eventually he may even get raised by me. and because of all these possibilities theres no way I can move to Germany
I guess this is the great sacrifice...

I love this child as if he were my own.. and I will defend, protect, nurture, love him beyond all things and if that means I can't confess my love to either of these women.. than the loss is what I will feel, and I know this means "they aren't the one" and I'm sure in some sense that's true.. but can't i just feel the loss... the loss of two beautiful women that I loved, and will probably forever love beyond all things..
I know be happy for them and in a sense I am but I am also feeling the loss because I loved them.

all's i have is the family drama, and the love of a beautiful nephew that loves me, he is the cutest most amazing kid in the world.. and I guess having his love for now will mend my soul until the person who is meant for me comes into my life..
they better like kids because this kid will be in my life forever.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

new age?

Maybe it's only me that has learned this..or maybe this has been on going for some time...
I'm honestly disappointed when I see young people having relationships and thinking "this is the love of my life" and they have to do whatever they can to keep that person in their lives.
my sister has my nephew....and then the baby daddy leaves...and not only leaves he also on several occasions jeopordized the safety of my nephew..anyway he leaves thankfully! and then get another girl pregnant...and sister is in this love triangle with this piece of shit...who leaves to go back to his pregnant girlfriend, but when that girlfriend kicks him out then he goes back to my sister..
He is a piece of garbage... manipulates everyone and has nothing but all talk about how he is going to get his family back, and how he's going to raise his son etx. and yet the first visit whenever that was he got his kid sick and then took off like a piece of shit.. and now returns again...and finally someone speaks up and says your either coming or going but you cannot continue to come into my nephew life and confuse him
so then the piece of shit says he's staying... and then has the nerve to ask me if my nephew needs anything. Bitch I've been with my nephew from the moment he was born, I fed him his first bottle, I was the 3rd person to hold him. and I have been my nephew everything, and anything, and everything he could needs, desire or want. so no baby daddy, piece of shit.. the kid needs nothing except for you to disappear..because this guy will do nothing but cause harm to his child, and even if he stays then he is now abandoning another child that hasn't even been born yet.
and my idiot sister has the nerve to say she is thinking of having another kid. bitch you haven't even taken care of your first child, maybe focus on that rather then thinking about putting another child in the system.
the only good thing is my nephew isn't in the system... I have helped prevent that from happening.. but everyone who told me...while my nephew is attached to me.. I see it in his eyes... when I walk away and come back, his excitement, when he cries for anything he searches for me for comfort, and he looks for reassurance about people around us. the only people he is sure of is my mom, and my youngest sister.
its a beautiful thing to have a kid attached to me... to look in his eyes and know that I am his whole world, and that he knows from the depths of my soul that I absolutely and utterly love him. people say his happiness is because of how I have taken care of him, and his advancement of crawling, and holding his bottle and is attention span is because of my time and care into him
I can't imagine what it will be like when he returns home... to a family that knows nothing about him the only good thing i believe is that my family is there, in the sense my sister doesn't have her own place and therefore she is living with my mom..and so I will have some sense that he will be safe. however if in the next few months someone decides to give my sister housing...while problem is that she has no conscious idea how to say "no" to baby daddy who can and will show up intoxicated, and they will argue and fight and jeopardize the safety of nephew.
honestly it's in their history and it hasn't ever changed and I don't know if it ever will and my concern is that my nephew will be exposed to that.. and I pray to whoever is out there please don't let my nephew grow up being a womanizer, or abuser to anyone.. let me at least show him pure love, and affection, and safety and security and traditions and culture
don't let him grow up like everyone else.. let him be amazing.. beautiful and handsome all in one, to show that men can love women without the manipulation, or control, and insecurities.
I worry so much... but I pray I'll be here of him... I've be assured that I will always be apart of his life in the sense that he will be with me on weekends... until I don't know when.. lets hope his idiot parents don't train him to hate me, lets hope that my love runs deep and that he knows full well that there is definitely beautiful things in this world.

its all that is on my mind

I guess... its funny because when my sister (his mom) was born.. I was all "I hate that baby" because the baby belonged to a man who tormented, tortured, abused me, and my family, and hurt my mom in so many ways.. I wanted to hate this unborn child because it belonged to that man, and that would always be my memory of the father..who hurt us so deeply for so many years.. and then when I held her for the first time... just looking at this fragile little thing... my heart melted, my dark soul was lit. I knew that I could love this baby, and that I could maybe make a difference in a small way.. I could love her the way I was never loved, all the memories of all the things I wanted as a child I could give to her.
I had lots of bonding time with her. I read to her at night, I hugged her everyday, and I said I loved her always. I showed how proud an happy I was for her, and I made sure no matter what that she knew I loved her.
I expected her to grow up to be something great... something amazing with her life, she used to talk about all these ideas of all these awesome things that she wanted to be.. i think she even said she wanted to be CSI crime scene investigation etx.
and yet.. I left... i went away when she was young and when I came back.. that love and devotion seemed to be there but there was more in her life.... just 5 yrs I was gone, must have felt like a lifetime to her, and she changed..
and instead of her respecting our family, or our mom, or even the world... she became selfish, self-centered, lazy girl..

and more so...according to society.. she is typical... letting a man have control over her life, he made her, convinced her to have the kid.. I tried to tell her that it wasn't a good idea.. I'm much older then her and only now had thought of going through with having a kid.. but I had all these things to consider.
and instead of listening to me.. she went ahead with it. she believed the piece of shit.. that they would be a a happy family, an that he would take care of her, and their child. and I think it lasted 2 to 3 weeks and he was gone.
he came back when my sister had money but always disappeared..  I stayed consistent in the picture.. I've been there since my nephew was born... with the minor lapse when my sister got mad at me over money of course.
anyway its sad...

I wish I could just take my sister and show her, let her see what I see. this is unhealthy and now that she has let the piece of shit back in her life... it has delayed the return of my nephew back to her, because now they don't just have my sister to consider as a parent but also the piece of shit who has done nothing but abandon his kid, and/or jeopardize the health and safety of his own child, or even leave his child with strangers because he was intoxicated.

it's a sad world, a part of me wants to not give him back a part of me believes I can give him a much better, greater more beautiful life. but that's not my call... I just can be someone that he can escape to when shit gets real at home, I can be the one he calls when stuff gets chaotic at home and i can talk him through, or pick him up, and maybe found my new ice cream bestie.

I just hope of all things that this kid knows how much I love him and how much I want the best for him.! I definitely can't have a kid until I know my nephew is safe....

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

sick child

I have definitely made it known that I'm upset at the system, and reckless parents. as I am taking care of my nephew... we have visits with his parents 3 times a week, but the first visit, douche bag father was sick and passed it onto my nephew. I just got him over a cold, children being sick is the worst thing in the world! Because I don't know what hurts, and/or how to make it better... I have to just guess, I made a doctors appointment, and a complaint to social services that it's not ok that I have to bring my nephew into an environment where he can become sick because they aren't paying attention, its like they don't even care.
So other than this drama I guess the only thing on my mind... is insanity! the person I have been deeply connected too, the person I've poured my heart and soul too, the person who has told me her deepest deisres...she told me she's getting married....
My heart sunk.. unbelievable! people tell me I waited to long... I should have told her... should have told her that I wanted to be with her! that I could make her happy, that I could who knows what... and instead she's gone.. and I'm completely messed up about it
someone said I should just tell her, but I can't.. I can't because she's thousands of miles away, me pouring my heart out will mean nothing right now... because I can't leave.. I can't jump on a plane an fly across the world...
My life at the moment is here.
I'm having a hard time with everything.. and taking care of my nephew is amazing and beautiful but at the same time things seem like they are falling apart and it's hurting and I don't know how to process everything
I am trying to keep it together but you know I'm struggling... Im not talking to anyone, not going out... and now that Elijah is sick, we are definitely stuck at home yet again! he just got better, the weather just got better and we were gonna do walks and stuff and now back to staying inside this tiny space forever
the other thing is I'm not sure what will happen... when he goes home... what if he thinks I abandoned him... cause by now he definitely knows who I am, and we are definitely connected...and in like 2 to 3 months he'll be going back to a shitty home with shitty parents who are selfish young punks. theres nothing I can do to prevent that and even then I want to go back to work...
things are so chaotic there I miss working for sure..
I'm losing my mind today and everything is painful today

I can't write anymore because I'm beyond frustrated!

Saturday, January 6, 2018


While I guess I should mention that I stopped taking the antidepressants.. basically when my sister let my nephew back in my life, my life became normal, and I felt like I was back in the family, and didn't see a reason to take medication as I'm not exactly sure there is any imbalance.
anyway so I think I missed thanksgiving back in November.. and then since my nephew has been in my care. at first I was allowed to hang and visit with him at my mom's but then stuff got bad..
I know a lot of it has to do with hurt, my sister is hurt that she lost her kid, and that she has to do all this stuff in order to get him back. as well as that he's with me.. and that he is and will have grown attached to me.
so on Christmas my sister got upset with me.. because we were doing supervised visits where i would monitor the visits she has with her son, and i decided to go get coffee which meant I couldn't leave my nephew with her.. and she got angry or upset about the way I grabbed him.. and she called after hours on me, and I left my moms and spent Christmas dinner no presents.
Honestly as sad as it was, it was nice because I've never really been a fan of any holiday
anyway so since Christmas things have been dysfunctional with my family, I can't visit my mom's house because my sister lives with my mom. and I can't let nephew see his mom without supervised visits at the social service office which has sucked.
she had two days a week for two hours. her first visit she was late, and her second visit she bailed on. it made me angry because she can get up super early to go to work and all this b.s but when it comes to seeing her own son she just couldn't get up.. and it irritates me.. I mean this is her kid.
she has previously messaged me about how terrible i am, and how I should just have my own kid, and stop trying to steal her kid. reality is...
I've grown up in the foster care system and honestly not all the time in foster care was good.. I honestly have some stories that I can't even share.. and so to be able to be put in a position where I can help keep a kid within the family and to be able to love and care for him.. I honestly seen it as a favor to my sister, and instead she basically sees as a betrayal, she definitely has a lot of stuff to work on.. and hope that it all works out for her.
other than that drama... the new year has started... and I must say since.. I've had plenty of support and love from my friends, and how amazing that has been..
to be honest the hardest part about Christmas and New Years for me... is that someone didn't call, message, smoke signal or anything... it's like our lives are over and started fresh without one another... it's almost been a year since I have heard from her.. and it's been really hard for me because I miss her, but I guess...its life... except that I speak with my friend in Germany for like 10 years her and i have been talking... and yet the one friend I had for 8 yrs is gone.... like gone of the face of the earth...
and that is horrible and painful.. I can only hope for the best for my future...
my best friend here in the city has been amazing, she has been with me forever, and I'm grateful to have her in my life.. but it's different and I think that's weird....all my relationships with all my friends are different in different ways? is that normal?
cause when I put them together things weird things happen...
I'm honestly also thinking about my birthday next month... usually I go for dinner with my friends but my friends are all scattered now... and now I have Elijah so I'd rather do nothing...but maybe thats a bad example? I did ask my family to pitch in on me getting a tattoo that would be awesome birthday gift.. I absolutely and utterly love tattoos.
I've already got my tattoo picked out for Elijah and my niece Samantha..
I'm rambling...
I'm doing good, and I'm being a great parent...most of everyone doesn't want my nephew to go back.. but I have to be understanding, and hope that I leave a beautiful mark on his soul that will last with him forever, even if he could feel loved unconditionally or anything.. I would be satisfied with that...
it has made me think that maybe I want to move into 2 bedroom housing, and become a foster parent. I know I want my own kids but I also would rather help my community and be able to imprint my love and wisdom onto vulnerable people, even just to be there for them, or something be a positive role model would be enough for me.
I'll try work on it, either that or I get pregnant haha! that'll be the weirdest day ever if I decided to have a kid, even though I know I'll be great.. and even as a single person I am doing beautifully with my nephew.. and I know I am capable which is beautiful..

so much to consider in this new year...

Friday, January 5, 2018

being a parent PT 2

Since my nephew has been living with me.. I've had to make some serious life changes.. I am currently on leave from work, I am waiting for E.I to kick in..
I have had to start a schedule for naps, feeding, bathing, and my own naps, feeding and bathing.  at first I felt overwhelmed because of the "purple crying" but once I got a handle on that things seemed to come easy..
I know how to handle a baby, I am apparently a "baby whisperer" and I take very good care of myself and now him.
I love this kid more than life itself, I love him so much that i am scared that I have to take him for his immunization next week.. I'm already trying to find someone to do that for me.. haha.. I don't like the idea of seeing him in pain and for that to last days because that's how long it will hurt :(

I never realized how natural being a parent (foster parent) would come to me.. I know almost everything and everything else the internet has been a great help. I've found great techniques in dealing with stuff, proper toys, proper blankets, and soothers, and just development stages what to expect etx.
I am told by most that I definitely have a baby that I made completely happy..
I spend tons of time with him.. i don't spend much time in the world, we go for walks, and i let him play in his jolly jumper that he absolutely loves.
we are currently at the teething stage of his development which has been really difficult but I'm working through it and learning and working on helping him.

I'm obsessed with taking his pictures... and posting them on Facebook and instagram. it seems to be a conversation piece as so many people are wandering who this adorable kid is.. and they all want to meet him. haha

the hardest part about this time is that my sister... I know she wants her kid back and I hope she does everything to ensure that.. but that has caused a huge gap in her relationship with me because i am doing better at being a parent than she is.. a few times in the beginning she kept saying she wanted to give him up to me...because I do better at everything.
i know how to soothe him, I know how to put him to sleep, i know his favourite animal, i know what song to sing to him. etx. the only reason I know these things is because I spend time with him..
I don't spend time on my phone when I'm with him (unless we taking a selfie) but most of the time it's just him and I. and it's been a month, and he's definitely attached to me.

all my thoughts about wanting a kid and being a parent... while this is definitely proof that i would be a great parent and that I definitely deserve to be a great mother to a child,
although I say all these thoughts of being a parent... truth is, I honestly believe there are a lot of children in the world, in the city that need a good safe place to call home.. and I would rather be a foster parent and work on that... so that I can share my abundant love with all

ok he's sleeping its my turn to sleep for a bit too

being a parent

Its really strange that I haven't written on here since November of last year... so much has changed in my life that I can barely keep up with it all.
in december my nephew was delivered to me by ministry of social services, as my sister had made a grave mistake and it cost her the custody of her son
I'll tell you straight up that I am the reason he was taken.. the story goes as such. my sister was wanting to go out an drink and make bad choices, she had her kid and it was too much for her.
she had like two babysitters lined up and at the last minute both had bailed. I was at a work event, as well as I had emergency and had to return to work.
anyway I finally arrived at my moms expecting that I would be taking my nephew for the evening. I ended up finding out that she had taken baby to the father. the problem the numerous child endangerment problems with the father. I got worried and scared and my heart stopped..dropped and shattered.
I don't think I've ever been so afraid for anyone safety as I was that day. I called around frantically trying to find baby, or even talk sense into my idiot sister but she had already been drinking or whatever. so I called after hours emergency social services. I was concerned.. the last time the father had his son, he got drunk and almost dropped the baby on his head.
regardless it ended up social services after hours tried to tell me there was nothing they could do that the papers I held in my hand stating that the father was to have no contact with the baby, hadn't been written or seen or delivered where they could see.. and therefore thought that baby was in danger. I was furious, angry and hurt and scared.
Anyway at first nothing seemed to come of it as they obviously had to get their records together.. by Saturday night dec 2, they realized the severe situation and the proper paper work had been submitted stating that the father was to have no contact with the baby because he had jeopardized the babies well-being more than once.
it was after hours, social services that called me and asked me to take in my nephew and of course I had no hesitation.
I have always wanted to ensure the safe place, love and care for the baby since he was born. so I have since Dec 3 had become the foster parent, temporary guardian of my nephew.
I must say that it's been really strange experience
to be continued

Thursday, November 2, 2017

day 17

Its been an interesting couple weeks... I was in a petty argument with one of my best friends, and my sisters hated me etx.
until recently.. i can't recall exactly when it was but my sister asked me to babysit my nephew, and of course I would not say no. I hadn't seen him in over a month and my heart and soul missed him. so I took care of him for a bit, and was then that my sister apologized and said she knew she was in the wrong and admitted it was b.s argument. anyway it all worked out... and then I think the next day my other sister came with us for ride, and she apologized too and now it's like big happy family.
difference now I guess is that I'm on a medication I've never been on before... and so far I feel fine.. except that I feel like I'm not into being anti-social as much, I feel like I'm spending more time at work connecting with people, and being open and honest I don't know if that's the medication or maybe just my family coming back into my life.
but as a just in case I feel like I'm just going to continue with the medication I don't want to go backwards, and I don't want to end up doing something insane.. I just want to try and enjoy some of my life..
on that note... I have to write it again.. because I was at a memorial recently and it reminded me of the tough times... of someone dying... etx.. and of course all the stuff going with that... not only funeral arrangements and grief... but the belongings and the money, and valuables.. etx
It disappoints me that we live in a world.. or maybe only I live in a world where it comes down to who gets what and how the money will be divided etx.
so I have to say this as always...that in the event of my death. I still strongly want to make sure.. that all items that I own are destroyed. I don't want my clothes, belongings, movies, jewelry, any material items to be saved. whether burning it all, or throwing it in the garbage. I want it all gone. I want there not to be fights over my chain, fights over my vehicle, I want nothing to be an issue. the only concerns I'll have is that my cats... and I've said in the past my ex gf gets them, but my best friend christina said she'd be up for it in the event of my death. so that's the only change.
all my money and all my pictures can be divided, pictures can be copied.. but all other items can be destroyed. its not ok to go through grieving thinking about my favourite things, or what mattered to me, and therefore wanting it and becoming a rift between my family over something so stupid.
imagine that if I'm dead none of these material things will matter, so don't let them matter here. because it just hurts..
I don't know how I ever got through... my uncle's death, and all the bulshit of that situation. my heart was completely broken and not just at my uncles death, but having his family say shit, talk shit, and call me a selfish, money hungry etx. I never accepted shit like that from my family, I have always worked at everything I own. It was always important to me when I was growing up
I didn't get to have all I wanted, and nothing I had was brand new., everything I had was handy me down, or from the dumpster at value village. it wasn't nice or happy.. when I was in foster care was always nice cause I got new clothes when I was there.
so when I grew up... I decided I wanted everything brand new, I don't want anything that's used. lame I know.. but its my life... I work hard and I earn what I have.. I am picky about my clothes, shoes, everything but its all new. only re-used stuff would be movies, because some of the movies I own aren't made anymore so I had to go surfing into video stores to find them..
regardless.. in all my life... as far as I'm aware.. I've never been called selfish, I believe I take after my mother, who is selfless. I think the people who were hating on me calling me selfish were just disgusted with themselves and needed someone to blame and I was an easy target.
But as I tell anyone.. I'll go through hell and fire to defend my family, and especially my mother.
I know I had a rough life.. but my mom when she got clean and sober.. she became someone completely beautiful, her heart and soul are pure gold. and I treasure her, and all the work she does, and I value her. and anyone who makes my mom cry or feel pain. they have to deal with the wrath of me.. and not just me.. all my brothers and sisters I made sure they knew.. the only reason we are where we are, is because our mom provided as best as she could.
anyway I'm off topic..
day 17.. I feel ok... just moving forward and trying to rest and enjoy life whatever that means. but I know that right now.. having Elijah in my life makes me feel a lot better, I wish I seen him today but I am so exhausted I've been working insane times, and then spending evenings with Elijah so I'm sure he'll forgive me for not being there for him this one time!
I don't know anyone close enough to me to tell me if they have seen a change in me.. which is really sad that I'm not that honest with very many people in my life, but I don't know.. i guess we'll see how it goes.