I thought about how long I had been without a heartbeat before the person found me an saved me.
Why did it happen...
With this thing in my chest. I'm still now limited by things but no real explanation of why it had happened..
I dont remember stressing about anything. An to hear that I basically was put in a coma for four days. Thats absolutely insane....
My body didn't wanna wake up. I was forced to be there in the coma for four days. And when I woke up... I hardly remember everything or anyone being there.
Every time I think about who was there for me. An having my partner show up. An do so much for me an then completely disappear from my life. An also that her experiences or fears of if I didn't make it. She was talking to people about ending her own life.
An yet we're six months after all that. An I can count on one hand how much I've seen my partner. How much I've been in this alone.
An yet even though I give my partner every opportunity to walk away an end this. She doesn't. She stays.. even tho she keeps me completely in the dark an further apart then ever.
If that isn't enough..
Everyone who was there for me during my hospital stay. We aren't close now.
I mean some of those people I work with. Others are family..
But just as I haven't been with my partner..I also haven't been with or around anyone.
I'm scared...
I'm scared to get close to people. I'm scared of building relationships. I'm scared of so much.
Maybe 10yrs ago. I was making bs live videos, joking around with my best friends. Living what I felt was my best life. An now... I spend most of my time alone. Disconnected
I desire connection ..but even in saying that I'm terrified to say it. Because it has to be small. It has to not extreme. Just here an there building on a good life.
I miss being happy. I miss traveling. I miss planning of jumping out of planes. Jumping off bridges. Swimming in shark waters..those were things I had always wanted to do. An now I feel limited. Am I really going to die without accomplishment of my goals..
I'm scared...
I cant say much more... I'm losing my mind...
