if I never wake up

I'm feeling lost. I'm shattered an hurting in pain..like I'm bleeding from a new wound that won't heal. I tried for weeks months to try an be patient. To let my partner whom I've been with for over a year. To let them treat me like garbage. 

Consistently thinking it will change. They will do better. Whatever bs. I've let myself believe. It's fading. 

I'm starting to realize... I dont matter. Our relationship died. An I'm trying.. repeatedly. I am trying to stay connected. Stay in love. But it has felt one sided. I'm the only one willing to reach out only one willing to speak.

I believe her. I believed her for so long. It would get better. She would come back. 

She said... after moving or getting settled. Then it was needing to be in better head space. An now it's what.....

Nothing......

Nothing at all....

I have spent this month.  Consistently worrying. Is she dead. Is she overdosed on drugs. Bleeding out. Or injured in some way. 

An for the stupidest choice. I called for help for her. An they did nothing.  Because I'm the only person who is calling about her. 

An I dont matter....my words to her don't matter.

An I'm done....

I'm done with this bs relationship that has caused me so much pain. I can't even cry. I can't even feel anything but pain. 

When it was good. Was great...but it hasn't been good for months... I tried to stay connected

An tonight I realize maybe I was the only one fighting for this relationship. She said so much but no action to make it legit real. 

So I've been living on the belief in her. An her ability to say so much but do absolutely nothing. ..

I wish I could go to sleep an not wake up.  I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. An know that I have to go thro it. I have to go thro it alone. Because everyone in their right mind.. told me not too. Told me not to have hope. Told me to walk away. Told me everything 

And I ignored them. Because I believed her. I believed every word..  I thought this was my love forever. I thought she was my wife. I thought she was my world. An I'm scared to face it's not truth. It's not real. Once I let go... 

I won't even be a thought. I won't even impact her life in any way because I'm not even there in the first place. An I am the only one going to feel the heart ache because I'm the real joke. 

An because of that. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to face the truth. That I'll never win.   This is what I deserve 

I give my whole world to those I love. I give everything I have. My heart an soul. An I get burned. Shattered. Broken. Bruised an bleeding. 

This is why I'd rather die...then try find love...it's only caused me pain... an I didn't even see this love.

That's the worst of it. I don't know why I thought she'd be my everything. 

I remember how much it meant to me.. 

Fuck I can't think of it. Because I'm alone. I'm not going to get the girl.