Tuesday, December 30, 2014

New Beginning yet again!

For what seems the first time in a long time... I actually have done something different... It's always been said that reflecting on the past helps you see where you have come from... Learning from my own history...
However if I told you my past; apparently six years ago it is no different than now... except that I am alone.. Compared to my crazy wild youth days I'm now free from that kind of destruction...
It's hard to explain that it's been six years... since I destroyed my life.. Need an explanation well lets see... Six years ago I ended up in the hospital with what seemed like life threatening wound.. I woke up in the hospital with 34 stitches in my left arm, I was hand cuffed to the bed.. I had to see a plastic surgeon because I was so dumb I almost needed plastic surgery...
Can you imagine! I couldn't believe what had happened, and I asked the nurse what happened... and it was the worst thing to hear that I had done this to myself...Only then when she had said that I realize that I had finished work the day before and I had about 100 Siegen Angled Razor Scraper Short in my back pocket, I had just gotten paid, and I was trying to impress some people that I thought were friends... Instead I ended up alone, scared to death of the damage that had been done...

I look back on that day... I'll say this I know what happened I know what lead up to my slicing my arm within an inch of my main artery to my heart... I was saved from killing myself... People always say you have to hit rock bottom before you get up, you have to fall down seven times and get up eight... But this... Me almost killing myself to the point of no return, to the point that I was blacked out! I don't remember any of it... Except to now have to live the rest of my life with this scar!

I reflect back on this day... It reminds me that I don't always surround myself with healthy people, that I don't always need to be drinking and trying to impress people... The fact that I have survived for over twenty years is survival enough. I shouldn't ever have to impress people with drinking, drugs, or even money... I have lived through tragedy! I have survived two deaths in my family, I have found my soul mate... and the best part of my soul mate... is that she's not my lover, she is my best friend..

for me to have found someone I could confide in, someone who has seen me through hell and back, someone who seen this light within me before I did, someone who was there when all other failed me... She has loved me unconditionally and she has been in my life for six years! She knows me more than anyone, and she was with me in my darkness, she continuously helped me in my time of need.
I am grateful everyday for this woman!

My way of celebrating and paying tribute to the things I have survived! IS only one way! to make sure I do something spectacular! ANOTHER TATTOO! Not just any! But one! To get the Phoenix tattoo on my arm, above the scar! Because I never want to hide the scar, I never want to be ashamed of this scar!

This phoenix will be my symbol that I have survived, this is my constant reminder that I am moving forward, that it's possible to rise from the ashes!

Happy New Year readers!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

painful history

It's been six months since I've dealt with grief.. I'll tell you now that I don't like the idea of going through these circumstances...
My uncle passed away and I must say his death shattered my life...I couldn't focus and I didn't care about school anymore....
I failed one of my exams, I actually failed it twice..

Dealing with Grief is never easy and I failed miserably or I was normal?

I thought about Death, thought about dying.. I thought that it would have been easier to let go then keep trying to hold on? I felt like I was holding on by a thread and more and more everyday I felt my heart and soul caving into the beast of burden that had been buried some time ago..
It took every ounce of my strength which there was none... To get up... To find hope? to find a future worth living..

My uncle was under the impression I was going to school... No scratch that My uncle knew I was going to the best school in B.C.... So for me to have failed that.. I was hurting...
I felt like a failure, I felt beat... There was no more future for me..

You know how when in death..when dealing with Death all your close friends and family come to you and help you stay afloat? That didn't happen... I became and sunk into darkness... more and more everyday it was hard to get up, hard to go to work, hard to talk to people... It was hard to tell people that I lost him, that he was gone..

I'm not sure when it began or if I'm back to living... I'm completely alone... my closest friends have almost given up on me... I couldn't blame them... I spent six months talking about ending my life, talking about being consumed by darkness... I talked about how hurt I was, how many times I had harmed myself..
So even in my own darkness, even in spite of scars, my pain and torture... I guess like a Caterpillar that must hibernate to become a butterfly... like a phoenix that rises from ashes...

Here I am... Once again... It took that darkness for me to see why its so important for me to move on, never forget my uncle and his greatness...but to know that...my life was not meant to end because his did...
I may have lost all that I love and value...but my heart and soul are intact I will find my way...

I have applied at another school, and I am pressing forward to my greatness... I keep my hope and faith that even in brokenness there will always be hope for my future... That the dreams and aspirations I have will one day be real, and I will hopefully be content with my life.

Much Love

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

this time its hurting

The idea of my life being built up to such a greatness, such a power of will... such a desire to change the world and change myself.
I have been shattered all too many times, I have been in moments of despair too many times... I am being a child, stubborn, refusing help, refusing to have common sense. I am struggling with my uncle being in the hospital, I am struggling to see my family and see the distance we have all created, I am troubled at the idea that we are supposed to be in this together, families come together in times of crisis and here is my family.... Separate, distant and not talking, not comforting one another.
If I told them what was truly in my heart maybe they would hear me, maybe they would see me or want to know me.
I'm scared...of myself, scared of my current state of mind, scared of my emotions, and scared to reach out for help. I cannot focus, I cannot sleep, I cannot write, and I cannot feel my heart and it's cries.

I don't know why this sickness, this illness hurts me so much... My uncle is getting older, he is feeling pain and he shouldn't suffer... I feel like I want him to live, I want him to survive to hopefully find purpose, reason for existing... Anything but what he's feeling...let him find hope, let him find happiness.
This has been a difficult time for me...and I haven't been able to turn to the proper supports, and I'm allowing my own thoughts and problems, my moments of despair envelope me and soon I know if I don't say anything...The darkness will continue and all that I've worked for to be happy, to feel joy, to feel love....It will all go away an I don't want to return to the person I used to be.. I don't want to let go of hope but I'm struggling right now..