injection

I feel like as it's raining in my life. Surviving these days have been hard. An now even though I have no idea what happened or why it happened. I'm back to focusing on my car crash injuries as I'm struggling with chronic pain. But I also can't help but think of Christmas. Think of my anniversary with my distant partner. Think about all the things I've lost in my life. 

I say how happy I am without my family but it's not that but the fake pieces of that family. The people who only want to bring me down. Reminding me where I've come from an who I was. Or how I've failed at being a sister. A protector. Or how I brought this darkness in our lives. An of course how I planned to steal this kid I've had for five years as if I wanted this life. 

Believe me. I look back at my life.. I've spent so much of my life not having a kid. I thought about the way I was brought up. What I was brought up into an I didn't want to carry that on. I didn't wanna continue with the broken generational trauma. I knew this at a young age let alone that I just knew it wasn't for me. 

An yet five years ago my life changed... an in the snap of my fingers I rearranged my life. An quit my dream job to care for this kid. An I spent the following years building myself up to ensure to give him a good stable home. Full of love. An full of dreams 

I am terrified everyday... I dont wanna screw this boy up. But I'm sure I will. An if not me. Then it would be the truth of his parents. 

I recently talked to someone an my continous question to his biological mother. Is she enjoying her life. 

As that was what she was supposed to be doing within those 3 months of me temporarily having him. 

An instead her life blew up and yes I stepped back because I couldn't support her an care for her kid an make a living. An I tried to stay in touch until she spouted some bs about this being my plan all along to steal her kid. 

Having him forever wasn't my plan. 

I dont feel ok. I don't feel strong enough to have a kid. I am fucked up in all my own ways including my own demons to fight with. I have so many flaws I never claim to be perfect or know it all.

An In the last two years I've been thro so much pain an heartache I hardly believe I'm still standing.

And when I came back...

The only thing that I thought about was my boy. I was so desperate to be back with him. An I felt so much pain in knowing I had to leave him for 3 weeks of all the years him an I been together I never left him. An then all of a sudden my life went to 3 weeks of being gone.

So I know I'm here for him.  

My life only has meaning because of him. My heart only is full of love for him and my partner an they are my family. They are the reason I am still here.

I recently got told that I'm going to require injections... to help relieve the pain from my car accident. An people say it's worth it others say it causes more damage. But I don't know what to do. 

Alls I know. Is I'm living in pain everyday. And I want to do something to relieve that. Because it's hard to live fully with this pain. 

I wish I could say I'm just a baby. But the person I am on the regular basis I am not this.