Tuesday, May 30, 2017

reason for the beast

First off shout out to my favourite friends Jessica and Merv! Jessica celebrated her bday this past weekend, and I wish I had remembered but I was all fucked up. as for Merv even if I wanted to avoid it, he made sure I was part of their day. and he was happy about the shirts I bought him! lol
I guess tonight... I'll be honest the lingering thoughts from the last few days are in my mind and what I can do to make proper changes, or else give up all together.
It's honestly really hard to think about you know... because I don't want to be selfish, I remember what I felt when my uncle Anthony died, or when Robin Williams died. I couldn't help but think what could have been done, or what how did people close to them feel. because when it comes to death by suicide I honestly believe that it's just like slipping away. and no matter what someone somewhere is kicking themselves because they thought they could change the outcome, that they could have saved that person. but from my experience you can't actually save someone if they want to end, want the pain to stop there's no real stopping it, there could be delaying it, but if someone is determined it does happen.
I don't know much... I know that most of my scars and all my nights trying to jump off shit, were just me likely crying for help and not fully understanding what it has been why I would do those things. but for the first time.. and I hope that not many take offence to this idea.
but something struck me in a way that I'm not sure how I can describe it the way it was said to me. the realization that as a first nation person who has suffered the intergenerational trauma of my parents, and their parents and parents parents etx... this has been a cycle of abuse, pain, void and torment. addictions etc. but reality is... it only takes one... one person to change the cycle.. and for some odd reason they have chosen me.
Regardless the situation is this that we're living in a world that having to understand I heard somewhere it'll take about 100 years for this generation to be free of all the oppression or all this void that I feel. so it won't be in my time that I'll see the true and fulfillment of healing. I know that I'll try and yet I'll fail... and that apparently most of the culture will feel what I feel... the feeling of worthless, the feeling of loneliness, and the feeling that it doesn't get better than this. that this is it.. there's nothing better. nothing good... that this is a pay check to pay check ,and theres nothing to accomplish..
but even as I write this.. I remember that Jessica is a student, instead of letting oppression or detours stand in her way of learning, and wanting to give back to the community she keeps moving forward, and as far as I'm aware she doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't smoke. and in this country for this kind of first nation culture to rise above all those things that tear us down, she's able to stand strong and wise and beautiful. I know that I'm always inspired by her, same goes for Margo Kane who shares our culture and heritage through talking stick festival, and sharing her stories through performance.
everyone has their ways, and I think it's important to find the way for us all.. but I'm telling you now.. I think my way has come and passed.. I remember.. my ideas of my future.. I was all excited when I attended Justice Institute of BC (JIBC) it made me fully want to become a police officer, I wanted and yearned and dreamed that would be one day... Unfortunately because of the "beast" in my life, I caused more harm to myself and my mental stability that I believe it's impossible for me to become a police officer.. then I thought I wanted to be an advocate for First Nations, because I work with a lot of First Nation people in DTES, and I've seen how some people in different organizations treat our people, and I wanted to create something that would be beneficial to them.
of course then I realized I know very little about my own heritage, my own self and that I can't lead people if I don't know what that looks like, and then remembering about my own hypocrisy that even though people are saying my current addiction isn't a huge deal... it's a huge deal in my own belief of who I want to be, and I guess that's hard for me.
so now I feel like at whatever age I'm at now.can't the world just let me go? and let my life end and I'll come back as a something.. lol
what more is there really to give back to the world that hasn't already been given? I've given my blood, sweat and tears for many. I have tried and failed, and the hardest thing is I can't even say it. but I just I don't know if its the meds or if its awaken the beast that's making me feel what i feel.. but I hope for the best to move forward but i'm also on the fence and i'm also fully ready to let go. whether that be my own self or that be nature taking whatever action...

IDK i'm confused. and I just don't know what to do..

Monday, May 29, 2017

back to the beast

you know I honestly thought I was done with all the darkness.. I thought that i somehow have done well enough in my life that I'd be ok. it was november or december that I applied for a new counsellor dude believe me that was hard, because I had entrusted one person for so many years...and now she's gone.. school and all that jazz.
anyway I applied for counselling because I was scared of how I'd feel if the surgery ever came up... as I applied to get "Nerve Block Surgery" and I was on a 6 month waiting list... so anyway I applied and I was fast tracked, because honestly this very situation.. is that I was afraid of the memories and feelings that would arise in going back to 8 years ago from when I tried to end my life, and ended up with 35 stitches in my left arm..
anyway.. the day finally arrived.. and it was somewhat beautiful! my lady was here from out of town visiting, and IDK I guess I was just glad to finally get rid of the nerve pain in my arm. and it all worked out, my lady was there and she took care of me.. she listened to my BS. it honestly made me think why in the world is she my friend? what does she get out of being my friend? anyway I was taken care of by mere and christine. and I lived... I survived with a new scar that went from my forearm to after my elbow.. one day someone look up nerve block surgery on the ulner nerve and you'll see what king of scar I have.
anyway time eased on.. living... this surgery was on May 4 so over two weeks ago.. and here I am.. struggling... feeling overwhelmed and feeling like the world is coming crashing down on me, and worse off.. that beast! that darkness, that black hole inside my soul started to rupture.. started to overflow into my life...and for the first time in a long time I thought about committing suicide, not only that but I remembered all my entries from what my plan was for after my death and how I wanted my body to be cremated, or how i wanted all my possessions destroyed and honestly the only thing that would be left of me was my two pets.
then of course having to think about how would I die? then I remembered that... for the 1st time at my age, I'm dealing with a strange situation where my heart may give out.... my heart is working too hard for the blood in me.. and who knows how long this has been going on, but one day my heart will give out and that will be the end of me. not that I can make the end of my day sooner, but I guess this is the slow death that I'll be facing. unless they find a way to fix me, but I don't want to be fixed.
in counselling we talked about the beast.. we talked about how alone I feel,and how much I miss my lady, and how I don't want to burden others the way I did with her. we talked about how my culture is a huge part of the pain that I feel, and the effects of colonization and how it played a huge part on my life, and the choices I've made, and the person I've become!
in the end it doesn't change that I want my life to end.... and that I welcome the idea because I feel like I've contributed enough of my life to others, I've given every piece of my heart away! like that story as it comes to mind.. two men walk into a room... one with a beautiful shaped, an shiny heart and the other with a broken, taped and not so nice looking heart, and some of the pieces of his heart were deformed, and wouldn't fit. and when the perfect heart guy asked why is your heart that way, he then replied... I've given a piece of my heart to people I meet, and sometimes they give me a piece of theirs which is to account for not fitting, or pieces that are missing where he loved someone and wasn't loved back.
I'm at a point in my life that I feel like my heart is done... I've given my heart and soul into everything I do, I have been a good influence as best as I can, and according to my brothers and sisters I've been a good role model.. I didn't get to do the 3 things I want to do to accomplish my life.. but I lived...
I have hundreds of people living in the world that can say they were touched by my life... and what more does the world need from me? because I'm sad.. I'm hurt
I'm disappointed in myself for my addiction, as that's what brought this all on! is that I was withdrawing last 24 hours and have to make a decision about what I want with my life... and how i want to stop being a hypocrite by telling others to quit being addicted and as much as I hid it.. I am and addict and I am hurting and I want that to stop.. so I'm making that change soon. but I'll tell you I don't ever want to feel that withdrawal again! because I felt as thought I was dying!

Im trying to figure out what I want from my life, and what more there needs to be from me... because I am ready to let go! I'm ready to say goodbye to this miserable life.. and find my next journey... I honestly hope that I keep moving forward, but I expect the hard ships to continue and my strength is fading, and the loneliness has taken hold of my soul.. I'm not sure how to survive.
hopefully another 24 hours.