Monday, October 31, 2016

my love

I'm losing my mind again and its not abnormal it's a bit strange how easily she could walk out on me even though I didn't tell her to leave this time. Makes me think maybe this was always the plan.
I don't know what to do.. and I don't have anyone to talk too.. everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this insanity,and this craziness.. half the world says we should be happy and together as we love each other, the other half says she's using me for everything I've got, and that she manipulates me and makes me form these ideas of who she believes I am..compared to who I actually am..
She's judging me based on my past instead of recognizing that I'm not that person any more, just as much as people change, and grow and learn from their mistakes..
It took me a while to be who I am today, and maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone... maybe I just need to be alone because for the first time I see my flawed lifestyle and my flawed personality... I'm not who I was those many years ago when I was with my ex.. I've changed, grown, and become my own person but maybe I've also gotten to the point of being too comfortable with the person I am and unwilling to mold myself or make room for anyone else.
I mean realistically.. I am stubborn and demand my own way... I can't ever curve my life to someone else,and I don't think I should have to change drastically for someone to care about me, and no one should change for me either... and IDK... today I read my horoscope that stated maybe I"m not meant to be in love right now.. I'm needing to focus on work.. lol but I don't really believe in all of that, but right now.. the fact that she walked out on me... without even trying.. makes me think this is it.
and maybe that's what I want and need... there was always talk that I'd have my own space again, and that she'd give me time for myself... but i haven't had that..once again I've been suffocated in a box, expected to answer my phone when she calls me when I'm done work, expected to show up at her house at a specific time, or even now she expected me to run after her.. even though I have STRONGLY stated I'd never do that...
I honestly believe if someone wants to be with you, spend time with you, they would make the effort and not walk away, and not make you chase them.. people who make you chase them are only after game playing, and I'm not young and dumb anymore I'm not up for games anymore. I don't deserve that and maybe thats why I'm questioning everything.. but honestly what hurts more.. is being judged for who I was, and being accused constantly that I want to sleep with all these people, and that i don't have any filter of not sleeping with people..when I was very clear that it's not who I am, and it's not what I do..
I'm losing my mind as always...and I know because of it all.. I'll give up tomorrow.. Give up on the people who want to be in my life, and i'll just hide... maybe I'll go for a nice long drive and get away from it all, fuck it all! I need something because this isn't working for me.. and the more she brings up this stuff, the worse I feel... and it's really hard that everything is only from her perspective none of it is from my own..none of it is my stuff, or seeing it from where I sat, laid or's always she's right an I'm wrong..really no! I'm right this time.
at least I'm a bit stronger now and I'm feeling the grip of this insanity slowly slipping away... just as my ex said it would..she said there will come a time I'll just get tired of it all and walk away, because there's only so much someone should/could handle...after that it just becomes ridiculous nonsense.. and it's not fair to me.. that's not love.. it's supposed to be something else..
an that's the other thing... there's all these ideas of engagement and marriage..but really.. I'm sorry and praise those who can be married, but I can't be.. I can't do it... I don't like that idea, it terrifies me, and I don't know maybe it's just the wrong person, but my ideas of marriage are distorted I don't know what marriage really is, besides the piece of paper...and some loyalty and commitment and devotion but that's the worlds view..there's a lot more to it Im sure.. but I can't be someone who does it.
Maybe one day I'll be like that friend I had..who was able to marry someone because it's what the person they loved wanted, and the friend wanted their partner to know they matter above all others, but still was able to be who they are? IDK.. I'll have to look into this one a bit more.. but I'd rather just be common-law thats' good enough.. more then enough anyway.

I know I know I know! but I get asked all these weird questions and I have to think about it and talk about it and I have to decide for myself and not let others get me in a place where I conform because that's not what i want for my life anymore

Friday, October 28, 2016

one last time

It was Oct 26, 1995... IDK if it was morning or night..I remember nothing...I only imagine what it was like for my father. apparently it was welfare day, he just got his cheque and I guess was looking for a good time.. he decided to get high and drink more then likely... the only thing I know for sure is that he died in the Dodson hotel on the 2nd floor, he died alone in the women's washroom...
I've read articles that state that the brain survives for 7 minutes after death and replays his memories.. I wonder what he remembered about me, about my brothers.. about my mom?
for the last 21 yrs I've struggled, limped, dragged my ass along... and I'll never make sense of why he did what he did, I'll never understand the addiction to that type of narcotics, or alcohol.. For some weird reason I'm smarter then that, and I've always had people looking out for me and the best interests of my life.
However... it doesn't excuse the pain I feel.. the pain and emptiness I've felt since my father died.. I remember or think I remember what the day was like.. I was 10 yrs old. It was beautiful sunny day, and it was gym day, we played one of my favourite games... by the afternoon I ended up with a stomach ache, and spent the rest of my time in the nurses office... at the end of the school day.. I walked home... smiling probably? I walked in the door..and heard screams, and sobs, and crying.. I walked through the kitchen and into the living room where I found my mom on the phone, and my older sister on her knees holding my moms leg. I didn't know what was happening, and on the couch were my two cousins who had no idea what was happening... within mom picked me up from hugging my older sister...and said "your dad died" or something like that! I've never felt so broken, and so sad.. instead of dealing with it, I ran out the back door, with my cousin trevor following me. we climbed a roof... and chatted, and I cried.
everything after that is a blur.. I remember vaguely my father's funeral.. as they nailed in my father's coffin his mother was screaming No... I remember looking at my father...hoping it was a joke
It wasn't a joke.. it really happened..
AN every year I feel it over and over, it doesn't get easier... no one can ease that pain that I felt and feel..
This year.. I was working... and I can't be specific or tell the whole story... but I had someone overdose on heroin in my building in a bathroom stall.. but I had someone help me get him out and I gave him Naloxone (reverses the effects of overdose) and i gave him CPR until help arrived.. that morning I woke up.. I went to work.. and I spoke with my staff.. and I said "No One Dies today' they're like right cause today is reserved for the one death of my father.. and then that afternoon this happened...but I saved the life..and I wished so badly... that could've happened 21 yrs ago, where were these skills and training so many years ago?!

the one last time.. if it was his last time.. it killed my father, and for the person that overdosed it wasn't his time, and i was lucky to be aware of him, and have the proper training thanks to my work.. I've learned to keep moving forward.

Alls I can say...besides this.. is thanks for that day! and I'm glad that I wasn't alone! I miss my father everyday.. but I think he'd be proud of who I am today!

Much love

Thursday, October 13, 2016

I'm suffocating here

So... this day didn't start out or end the way my mind had thought not that I knew what I was hoping for or wanted.. IDK when or where or how but there was a phrase that came to my mind! and I had to figure out what it was! So I've been thinking about this heartbreak mash up insanity that I've been supposed to make forever... I haven't had time! my time has been consumed with insanity! which shouldn't be abad thing.. but when I feel like sh** for checking my text messages, or Facebook, or even trying to write in my blog.. it's not a good feeling... I felt trapped.. anyway! so I was driving to work today and this phrase came to my mind "I'm suffocating here" and it summed up  all of how I have felt!
I know that's bad... and I think a lot of this problem is also my own fault... because a part of me wanted this relationship and thought how beautiful it had been.. but the problem was is my time was consumed by hers, my life was all about her... and her small nudges or nagging I tried to let it go.. but it adds up, and according to her I said stuff..which is weird.... she has the most amazing memory she remembers basically every conservation sorta..sometimes she mixes things up..anyway..
so I was trying to find the phrase...and thought it'd be perfect to add to my collection.. that I'm hopefully now going to continue to work on! Guess where it's from! "August Rush" most beautiful inspiring lost and love story! so that's what I'm watching now! and of course "Robin Williams" is in the movie! RIP! Amazing actor!
I feel like I'm losing my mind...and the thoughts and input of my friends is insane driving me crazy.. its funny because they said she loves me..but... I guess I don't love at all.. I don't understand it, know what it feels like, and i block it out! and i sabotage it in every way because it fuc*** terrifies me.. so maybe that's why I destroy this but then is it always me? it's unhealthy to make me be off work at that time,and here at that time, and theres no room for error, no stopping for gas, ice cream, or phone calls. I'm expected and blah blah.. IDK!
I want to run away.. I guess it's that time for me... My heart is fu**** I don't have one! and that's  first for me, and it's funny because people always tell me how great I am, and how much I give to others, and how I'd give everything I have for one of my friends, or how amazing it is to be my friend blah blah blah! but do I actually love my friends? do I just appreciate who they are? and how does someone respect someone else! An lastly! if me being honest didn't come with strings attached, or reactions like "oh so your gonna do this that and the other thing with her" than maybe i'd be more honest.
I wish I could be a singer.. lol I have absolutely no talent! but to travel and get away often! to not be tied down to anything! maybe I should move back to Ontario... maybe I should go find something else to do.. because what I'm doing now everyone says I'm wasting my talents, and also I'm unhappy and I'm all about drama..
I think apart from my hair appointment and my moms sobriety cake on Sunday.. I think this will be the last time I do anything, and also I'm going to strongly consider leaving... I think it's time.. I mean I have made no good impression on my family, I am completely alone and I'm not changing the world Im not making it a better place.. I'm losing my mind an Im suffocating here!
Someone should just hit me.. make me feel something..I think it would help me avoid what I'm about to do!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

No Harm in Truth

I guess I'm the worst at this truth stuff, no I'm the worst at harm... I'm the worst at expression of love, expression of emotion... This is my one flaw, my one painful thing that prevents me from a lot of greatness. My now ex gf wanted me to want her, need her, tell her how much I missed her or tell her that I cared for her, adored her, loved her.. And yet... I couldn't get over all the accusations she was throwing at me as if I really would want to date my ex gf, or date a guy for that matter. I for some reason was dedicated to her, and only wanted her and her amazing love.
The worst thing is everyone in my life.... is like "let her go" let her walk away, stay away from her. and yet... I can't.. I feel it deep with my heart, I feel it.. I miss her.. I want her in my life.. I don't know what I'm thinking in letting her walk away? Probably thinking she's crazy to have called me 9 times while I was in the movies, because she didn't know the movie was two hours long.. my phone didn't have service in the theatre, and I also put my phone in my bag so I didn't have it on me.
This continuous insanity..just keeps me thinking... what my sexy lady an I were trying to figure out a couple days ago.. "what is love" you know I've been asked this question a lot.. and my issue is I didn't know love... I didn't know love until my late teenage years, I didn't know my mom loved me till i was 21 yrs old..
So to ask me this question is so difficult for me to answer it..
But... Love for me.. is my lady.. the one woman in my entire life! My Lady was my help, my love, my friend... she loved me unconditionally, she loved me without judgement, and she stood by me in my good and bad times... love was appreciating who she is, and her appreciating who I am. being there for each other.. Love is a feeling of "cup runneth over' lol.. love is beauty in every piece of darkness, love is seeing her smile, love is seeing her eyes, and love is her being comfortable enough with me to cry, and know that i could comfort her and love her... I would never ask anything else of her but to be loved... because us having that amazing love, unconditional and that love will be forever, eternal, for infinity.. It doesn't matter that my lady and I aren't friends anymore.. that love lives deep within my heart and soul! and to me that is love.
I don't know if that true.. I don't know what it is for anyone.. I honestly also think if I had to be completely honest.. I didn't know love until I met God! until those two Christians knocked on my door asking if I wanted to go to church. I think the reason I can show love in a SMALL way! is because I have felt pure love.. Its funny most people I know have met God in some way or other.. thats the one thing that seems to be consistent for everyone.. I was driving and seen these people holding up signs "Abortions kills children" as much as this may or may not be true.. they are labeling God as conditional, that he won't love you if you decided to have an abortion.. but the reality is... God has no judgement on anyone, if he did... why does he forgive the murders, the rapists, and child molesters? So these judgements that Abortion Kills Children is human emotion, human conditioning God and his ultimate greatness. IDK if that's true.. but I'ms sure if someone who had an abortion was hurt, and cried on her knees and asked God for Forgiveness I think he'd forgive her.

I'm getting carried away... so I guess.. I had to let Scarlet go.. I had to walk away mostly because she went on her extreme.. she believed so strongly that the only reason I went out was to go on a date. instead of realizing that everyone I was out with were ALL my friends! My amazing friends who have stuck by me for about 6 yrs. and only one of those many was someone i had dated, but that was 3 years ago..I'm sure it's possible for us just to be friends, its possible just to enjoy the company of others. I mean we all had a great time, and I laughed, and laughed till my stomach hurt, and I was surrounded by greatness... and then at the end of the movie, I had nothing but problems because my gf believed so strongly that I was out on a date. I was not... I did want my gf to come to the dinner and movies, but she has a job, and has to make a living. I figured next time, next time she can come out and meet my friends.
Instead I guess there is no next time..
and my friend tonight.. he told me that I'm pretty awesome because I'm not blaming this all on her.. this isn't all her fault.. this our fault!
I am not the emotional, lets hug and talk about how I feel, or let me express to you how much I love and adore, cherish, and miss you... these are not emotions that I express.. and to those that are able to hear me say, to know I have those emotions within me for them, are lucky.. because we have a woman, who is absolutely crazy, but absolutely amazing.. the way she smiles, the way she looks into my eyes, the way she holds my hand, and the way she jokes, smiles, grins, the way she holds me, kisses me, the way she makes me feel... the fact thats she not fuck**ed up the fact that she has a job, and that she is able to be confident in her own skin, that she can clearly express to me how much she cares for me, how much she misses me...
Anyway! I'm not an emotional person. I don't want to blame this on my mother, but my mother is not an emotional person either... through this generational bull***shit we have been damaged by the garbage my mom was taught, that I was taught, and that I tried to NOT teach my brothers and sisters, I don't know they are expressive..I hope they are.. anyway.. I don't know how to change, I don't know how to be expressive how to love unconditionally or express that love.. and also it's only been a short time and I think for me loving her would take time, but she needed to be needed, she needed to be wanted..and although I needed her an wanted her, she needed to hear it.. and i couldn't do that.. I don't know why..
As for her.. well... general insanity.. she believed that everyone in my life was someone I wanted to sleep with, or that i was cheating on her... or that I just definitely and utterly disrespected her all the time.. I think that she is absolutely amazing, she is beautiful, and she is worth my time, because she does make me happy.. but not on days like today... when my heart feels cracked, burdened and i don't know what to do.. except write, except cut, except complain... and I'm grateful for my one friend who says who cares what people think of you and your gf... they said... how do you feel about her, and that's all that should matter, the only reason everyone has there reservations about her is because of what i've said, none of them actually know her the way I do.. and they all have formed judgements because I have gone to them sad, broken, and/or hurt.. they haven't seen me on my good days with her. so who cares what they think... what do I want?
an that's tough too.. because I don't know if I should keep moving forward, or go back..and yet she won't let me back..because she hates me because she's right, and I'm wrong.. and that's a tough one for me.. maybe she deserves better, maybe she's met someone like she said she was going to do the other night... maybe she'll come back.. or maybe its over, the only thing I've taken from this is "what is love" and what do I need to do to work on myself so that I'm better at expressing how I feel. yes on here I am very expressive but not in person.. It's impossible for me! I just want her to come back and give us time to figure this out.. but that time might be too late, and that's what I'll also have to deal with! I'll always adore her, care for her, love her, and want her..
MUST try moving forward.......