little bit closer

First time in awhile I've been contemplating life... relationships. Job.

I've given up so much for my work. I've done above all for anyone I care about. 

The last 14 days of my life... no one has really shown up I mean they have but not lately. Been begging for food or snacks. Because I've been starving..

Idk

I'm in a relationship that is like no other. One that I've been willing to give up on my everything for.i dont know. In some ways they say they love me be there for me etc .but I still wake up without any messages. Go thro the day without any kind of anything.

I don't know If I want to keep this up.  I don't know if I want to move forward an believe her when she said things would change she hasn't even changed in the 14 days I've been in hospital. 

I'm getting surgery tomorrow. No idea if It's worth it. Alls i have is the word of a doctor. An I'm scared of that because I don't know what to expect.. my life is going to change in not a good way. And I'm scared what does that mean for me..

I'm going to have to go to a life I haven't lived in forever. An I'm not sure how it's going to work. 

Idk

I'm losing my.mind and I'm scared of how it will be..and who will still be there by the end of it all 

make it to morning

I'm struggling.. had my first stress test since entering the hospital. Didn't realize how much it effects my Car accident injuries 

My shoulder trying to hold onto the treadmill and left leg being forced to carry my weight.

I only made ir 30 seconds into level 3. Because I couldn't deal with it any longer. 

The more I think of it... I'm feeling like that feeling creeping up to want to cut. Wanting to bleed. I hate the pain I can't control. I hate that I can't stop it. There aren't even enough drugs to make me feel better. 

I didn't try hard enough. I barely tried at all. I'm starting to get terrified about what I'm going thro. An unknown heart arrhythmia

I want to give up... 

Feel like a walking broken mess... 2 car accidents an now a heart arrhythmia. 

I feel like shit.. I was being driven in a wheelchair and we rode by the old man and I thought why am I doing all this I don't want to get old. 

I hate my life. It's been over a year since these accidents. An I'm still suffering and now I'm dealing a bs heart problem. 

Feel like dying in pain I really want to use drugs. I never used drugs before..but I'd love to get rid of all this pain. 

I'd also like to hurt myself to help calm myself down because I can't call anyone.

I feel like a failure. Can't make it thro anything. An I couldn't get thro all the stages. Because it hurt more than I'd like to admit. 

I'm worried. All the stress is going to leave one bad outcome of me doing something stupid..

I hate my limitations I hate my failures. I hate everyone. I'd likely better off not living on this planet but then I think of all the people that showed up for me. 

Idk why they showed up. Cause they Do lol..

Maybe my age or the fact of what I'm dealing with is why it's such a struggle

Or choosing to face it alone. Not to ask for help because I'm secretly making a plan lol

Idk

truth tug and pull

I want to get honest.. about what I feel... I'm hurting.. I dont know if my partner should love me any longer. A part of me wants her to let go.. 

We were close once or twice but in the months actually years we've been together. 

It kept up with this idea that it will get better. That they want to be with me. Fight for me. An stand by me. 

But tbh...my issue... is I'm not able to properly take care of myself in sense... my hair... lol superficial yes but it's my signature likeness.. 

I have barely left the city. Barely done anything. I want to leave..  an everyone said I should. 

Maybe I will

But I'm confused by my partner.. confused by her stuff and why she doesn't connect to me.. or have any desire to see me. 

I'm stuck in my head... thinking....all the reasons this isn't working out... 

I dont want it to end. I don't want to let go. We put so much hope in the idea of us. Future marriage. Many tattoos. Kids. Travel.

An yet in the 2 yrs.. she actually hasn't gone anywhere with me. 

Idk

I'm losing mind. 

If I take the steps to ensure she is my next of kin.. idk if she would even be there for me. I also don't know who told her i was in hospital 

Hmm m.m

I'm not trusting... because she is basically a stranger to me... but then again my bff is now doing the same thing.

I trust no one... actually I trust one person... lol she lives in Ontario and hasn't talked to me in months. Years even.  Though I've sent her pictures an emails she was the one above it all for me..

No one is ever as good enough as her. She will always matter...

My brain is racing.  Idk what the right decision may be

can't breathe

I spent the last morning. Spending time contemplating... life. Death

Years ago this was easy...I didn't have the responsibility of a kid.

You know when all those years of having a love in my life like no other

A love so beautiful . You could face anything... because of that love.. I'd love to say it's romantic love lol but it wasn't.. the first time in my life I experienced a love so beautiful. How much my life would be better just to hear from them..

But I guess we've moved on

I so want to be able to find a love similar to this but I don't feel like I have. An with what is going on maybe its too much to be with me. 

I'm needy.. because I'm fuc*ing terrified. This has been the scariest news in my life. 

Collapsing.. breathing tubee. Comas. Whatever else

And I don't have a proper plan in place..  to ensure that if or when I die. These are my wishes. These are my hopes.

I'm struggling. Tbh I want a dnr. If ever there is a chance I'll come back as less then myself. I'd rather die. But I need a plan for my kid. I need to trust someone with him. 

I'm hoping to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But I don't know whatto do. Lol

In sense what should I trust... that I'm legit for real that I want DNR. I also don't want to be buried. An I dont want a funeral or memorial lol

As lame as is... my ashes scattered in Ontario. The place where i found a different kind of other love that I never followed because of the history of all that. 

I dont wanna say it... I'm questioning EVERYTHING that is happening..  who is here. Who is not. What are my expectations.. an do I really think it will continue to work even tho I am where I am. I want to give up... I want to walk away. I want to hide...i want to come back when this bs is over. 

so close to death

I've been fighting so hard for so long to get my shit together.... I've stopped all things that could cause me pain. 

I am in a downfall.... a spiral 

Recently.... my body shut down... possibly a heart attack attack. I was intubed an put in a coma for however long. 

When I finally came too. I hardly have any memories of those times

I'm losing my mind... it's not about new chances in life because I'm angry that it turned into this..with anyone else.  There'd be a different story or whatever. 

I feel unworthy to be alive.  This is the 2nd time my heart had stopped. Or did whatever it did 

I'm angry because everyone told everyone

I'm feeling traumatized as is like I cant imagine living thro it again.or reliving it by people wanting to find out answers

You know when I first got to the hospital there was a major incident happened an over the PA and every doctor, nurse, volunteer showed up to support whatever may had been happening. 

And my friend sent me this picture of all my supporters showing up at the hospital. They weren't allowed to stay with me or be with me. But they wanted to be present. 

I'm confused..... I'm completely confused...so much insanity 

I have major trust issues. Major issues all together and if I'm not able to go back to work. I'm hoping to leave...to drive to see the one person I love an admire

We aren't the same people... we have a saddy past..but the one person who has always had my back.

Or maybe I just want to run away because everything terrified me.. and I feel completely alone