Thursday, October 27, 2011

You hold the key


It's been forever since I've written mainly because I no longer have much computer access, and also because I'm working full-time and overtime hours these days.
I'm happy to report something that has had me dumbfounded for so long. My father's death anniversary is today... And you know I noticed a difference in my life since a year ago!? A year ago I spent the whole month depressed, broken, lost even.. However in all of my own life.. The first time ever in my entire life of not having my father, I didn't get depressed, or drink or anything wreckless... I acknowledged his death, his life and I honored him in my own way, but I did not let his death anniversary pull me down.. This is the first time I felt whatever I needed to feel even though I love my dad and miss him beyond words, and wish so much that he were here.. I have been able to move forward and honor him, never forget about him, but not let his death control my life, my feelings or anything.

Other than that I am working alot as I said I am working full time.. I am still working on the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver, and I am working with people who have struggled with homelessness, or addictions, I have been able to be someone there who says "you matter" I do this by being there everyday, and being as friendly as I can, and listening to them cause they matter too.
As for my relationship after a year and five months we are still together, we stopped celebrating anniversarys as it seems remembering these anniversaries has caused some drama, like we either have no money, or we both forget, or just something dramatic, or we break up and get back together and just the whole nine yards of the weirdest craziest best hard relationship I've ever had.. We are still living together and although our six month lease is up the end of this month, it seems like we are gonna stay and try continue to build a home together.

You know... I've spent a lot of time in my life thinking about the past.. As I see the people I work around, the enviroment it brings a sense of accomplishment, not prideful but grateful that I am who I am, that I never had the struggle with these kinds of addictions or struggles. I dont know how i got where I am.. My partner said to me lastnight that the reason I am not the way every first nation person has ever been, is because I'm lucky, that I somehow found a way, a rare egg lmao. I know that without a doubt.. Something happened in my life and yet continues to happen in my life?!
I mean I remember the two years ago I tried to commit suicide I believe twice in one year, or the other incidents that happened in my life. It took this as my rock bottem for me to move forward and see that I have purpose and I may spend my whole life trying to define that purpose but I'm moving forward with out turning back. Not to say I am perfect, I have had my set backs and I am afraid of the future but I am more determined to live, appreciate living, and share my history of my life with those who struggle you know?!

I have felt broken at times and I have felt sad.. with my work I find that I may meet someone and know them for a few months or even few weeks, and than suddenly they are no longer in the world, they pass away.. And it's hard on me but Im learning that sometimes it just takes one person to make a difference in someones life... I knew that about two years ago from my BFF, but to live that kind of lifestyle.. Well it seems it takes me forever.

Im happy to report I seem to be finding my way in someway!

I have missed my family, my friends... and I have missed my social networks, social life.. But that I am moving forward, and Im taking care of my responsibilites.. I am doing what I must to keep on keepin on!

I miss writing more than anything in the world but I had just wrote a long ass email to my BFF so I don't feel like writing much more!! but I am grateful for who I am and what I've done, and hope to find my path, and what I'm planning on doing with my future! I am still trying to find a University that I want to attend, and I am still trying to figure out what my career would be,I always thought I knew, but I guess when you think you know something it all falls apart and lets me be more open to any an all opportunities of the future!

Thanks for listenning!

R.I.P Daddy! <3 <3 <3 you are never forgotten!

Another 24hours

Much love <3 <3 <3

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

sun will rise

So the continued rant of my life.. The stressfulness of my life and the responsibilities of my necessities of life.. I feel overwhelmed yet again, frustrated beyond anything and worried about the future and all the things in my life...

Most of the time I can handle the struggles of my life,and really enjoy drama and events that cause choas in my life...

Currently feeling overwhelmed by money issues, relationship issues and just a whole load of garbage of my life...I don't know what to do anymore and what choices that I need to make.

My relationship is on a rocky road enough as it is,and than added stress of my partner choosing to drink and than losing all the money yet again.. What more do I need to say about the frustration?!
I know that I've been dealing with this for just over a year and before it was equal for us to provide food, and a future of taking care of our responsibilities... and now it's I moved out and still struggle with the same responsibilities... Im losing my mind and starting to feel my heart continue to want to give up..

Today my counselor told me that I can't change my partner that's something they must do on their own..These are words I know all too well...I know this...I know in my own self-destruction it wasn't anyone who could help me find my way out... It was my heart yearning for it, crying for it.. and it was only by my actions...that I became the person I am now...

And yet still struggling with the faults in my life..I don't know if I can do this anymore... Im struggling with drinking because I'm in a relationship where my partner drinks, but even when we aren't together the same tenancies arise within me to go out and drink...

If it's not drinking,well recently I hurt myself... For the first time in who knows how long...I found a way to not hurt myself again...How the hell am I going to turn my life around its like there is only so much strength within me to keep trying to get out of this chaos and yet I'm still stuck here...

I need some help, and I'm seeking help... but I'm currently struggling to find the right choices and decisions and move forward... Why did I do this to myself...What have I done to myself but put myself in all this dysfuntion and complete and at times of chaos...

I just need some strength, I need friends who will be here for me... Because I'm struggling beyond recognition.... and I'm scared I won't make it.. because it's starting to hurt too much.. constantly being pulled in all different directions, and my heart is crumbling before me...

Yet I keep telling myself this is temporary you know? I'll get through this beause someway somehow I find a way through all the darkness that continues to try envelope in my life.. I dont know what I've done to deserve the ability to survive but I'm clearly surviving and finding my way through this.


Monday, August 8, 2011

Lost in the mess

Since August 1, I have been moved out unfortantley I went back on August 4, a lack of ability to avoid my own feelings and tried to stay there...
How in the world am I supposed to do this? the only people that believe this relationship besides myself is my family and even then they are dysfuntional in their own ways... So who and what am I supposed to trust!!

My heart is yearning, screamng and dying and living all in one, a mixture of emotions that I cannot handle and if you ever had to ask how I'm doing than you'll never understand a break that I am feeling... And even than not really a break up at all because I went back...
Im trying my best to avoid this but I cannot seem to find a way to let go I mean really in the end.. do you know how much I wrote about the love of my life in Ontario???

I cannot keep describing what I felt for him, and try justify it with the way I feel now in this time,in my days here in Vancouver! I freakin am in love and I'm struggling to let go of the things that make these things wrong you know?
The right and proper decision according to my counselor, and my one friend is that I have to let this go... and yet what I've done is went back, but created space so that we are only together at certain times...

Isn't that heartbreaking? We've agreed to stay together but seperately for the time being until we are going to counselling and dealing with our own personal problems that have created the barriers that we are currently dealing with..

I know that for myself I have had problems with relationships forever!! I never had someone good in my life,and yet every relationship left a scar and wound in my life, an I've carried it through to now.. and yet even inall my struggles I need to make this work because I honestly don't see anyone in my future I'd rather spend my life with!!

Will it work!! Will I stand on my own once again, and create a healthy relationship from such dysfuntion??!! only time will tell and I hope for good results but Im completely prepared for the worst to happen, as we both recognize that we are reaching beyond our abilities and hope for a better tomorrow... that's all I asked for you know??! Just to give it a try and if it works great if not than we tried and that's all I want..

Other than that I'm on one more week of working full time and I return to my life of trying to find enough hours to keep on keepin on... My best friend has went away and I'm feeling alone as ever.... I hope that I find the support I need because the time is now that I'm crying out for help..

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Well the truth comes out...Im all moved out and struggling to move forward with my life...A piece of me is here trying to work this out in my own head, and my own heart... I don't know what to do...

This damn relationship meant the world to me...I was in it over a year and yet I'm almost being blamed for the cheating, or fall through...Its like really... are you kidding.. tell me this isn't real..
I spend most of my nights alone hiding in a room, in complete darkness... and I wish I wasn't here dealing with this... Im broken, I'm confused,I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm trying so hard to make sense of this...I wanted this to work, I wanted this to be forever but all the dysfuntion all the heartache, the arguing, and cheating, and of course the lies...well its too much for me to even try thinking about this being a good thing...I don't know what to do..

right now I feel lost...confused... and I wish I had the right choice and stayed with! I can't figure out how to let this go...I hate my life for this very reason... How can I let go and run away...

It hurts... It hurts... my heart hurts, and I'm not sure how to continue to move forward

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Beast

All the colorful faces of the beast of me....Im worried about myself today and I'm worried about what I'm doing with my life.. Im beyond scared tonight... To be constantly here and working and working an feeling alone... I recently had a fall out with my mother and it's killing me just thinking of how rude I can be.. I need some help and I need to figure out what to do.. My brother's birthday is coming up this Saturday and I have money for his birthday... I want to do something for him and we are, we have decided to have a BBQ, and its great but a majority of the money is from me..

My drinking is getting the better of me, you know it's always been smoking was my friend an now I feel like I need both when I'm under stress, the alcohol is starting to take over my life againi, and I'm lost... I have tried to reach out but Im unsuccessful with my resoucres of help..What do I do now??? Where do I turn and who do I reach out too??>>

I can't believe my life anymore! I can't believe what I'm doing anymore and sometimes I dont even understand it you know? How have I got here other than the beast of me resurfacing in my life and I'm losing my mind... I have for the best two days besides work I haven't wanted to get out of bed unless drinking was part of the plan...

Whats considered a cry for help!!! I have lost myself in all my chaos of my life and I feel alone, even though I'm in a relationship there isn't any support there... Im alone and sometimes I remember why we were supposed to break up, and other times I forget, and it's like whats the right decision!

The stress of money is more overwhelming, and the stress of throwing my evenings away because I'm working well it's too much you know???
I have no friends, hardly any family and now I'm alone... I need a way out and I need to find myself again because I'm losing it

I know I had all these aspirations going to University and I still want too, but not like this, not when I feel unstable, and not when I don't feel I have the support... I mean going through school is so beyond difficult, but this schooling is for my career!!for my future... my real future...


The darkness, the beast is flowing through me and reminding me of how alone I feel, and Im scared for myself... I know that I won't hurt myself physically, i won't kill myself, but you know when you get so low you start self-destructing in other way? drinking, drugs, and other things?

Well..lets see how everything goes..

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

work work work

So its now the middle of July... I've been through a lot but I'm working like crazy these days, an I was also asked to stay for an extra three weeks... Im pretty stoked about this opportunity because I believe it shows my character of being able to withstand the sorts of situations I go through every day..

I still enjoy my work and I'm glad to have my job... I like working with people with addictions an hope that this experience will help motivate me to want to be the change I want to see in the world... I've met hundreds of people struggling with addictions, and I've had my experience with some, and with others they are happy to have me listen to their story and sometimes that's all it takes... Im really happy to be working in this industry..

As for my relationship well it hit a rock bottom yet again and like all other fall throughs there is a getting up, and getting moving into a life of greatness.. a lot of movement between the two of us to get work together, get back into school and start living our dreams.. I'm not sure if we will stay together forever but I'm certain I want to be a support, and someone who will always care.

Anyhow.. I shall survive...

My brothers birthday is coming up the end of the month, and I couldn't help but want to celebrate and I'll be paying for his BBQ and family time, and also helping buy him some things for his birthday.. I'm really glad to be able to have the money to celebrate his birthday he definetly deserves to be celebrated..

My older sister couldn't be in greater shape, she is near 7 months clean and I couldn't be more proud to have my older sister back in my life, she looks great, is healthy and she is working on finishing school too... I couldn't be more proud of my family, and wish I could be there for them, but I've learned that if I live my life to the fullest, and follow my heart, then eventually they shall follow.. .But the more I try save them, help them, or give them some kind of help it almost seems to cripple their spirit because they believe so much I would do everything for them and I have learned how much of a toll it is on my body, spirit and mind and I decided to stop and since than, well I couldn't be more proud..

Anyhow....I thought I'd give an update and remember how great it is to live my life fully, and to keep moving forward and look forward to the future...


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The day has just begun

How do I explain my current self? I'm working five days a week now, different odd shifts but working at the most... Just today I was at a memorial for one of my tenants, and I realized how important it is to me to have my family and friends know how much I care for them.

I currently feel alone... Even though my work surrounds me with people I am currently feeling disconnected, there hasn't been much connection to the world,to my friends and family.
I feel like I move from one box of my house, to another box of work... I haven't had special time with those I care for the most.

I'm not depressed bu I feel I need some connection to people in my life..

I feel like I have so much stuff going on, and so much in my own mind... I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone, or be around anyone... Im constantly alone, repeatidly alone...

I don't regret my work because there are some good times here, but majority of my connection with people has its own limitations...

I need to start getting back into the real world and I hope that I find my friends and family members soon because I need some connection, as well as some guidance...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

another new beginning

How do I begin with my current life and issues?

I cannot even begin to say what's going with my life and how frustrated I am with everything that's going in my life..
However Im very happy to say I feel like I'm walking a new path of greatness.. As most know I was working in Construction for such a long time, and finally an opportunity came out about working on the Downtown Eastside. Since I was kid I have always wanted to bring my greatness back to the community of the forgotten people living on the Downtown Eastside.

Although this opportunity is quite small Im starting to see the opportunities come about the future opportunities to show greatness of my life.. One question I was asked how do I associate with the Downtown Eastside. I have grown up in Vancouver and I was mostly raised on the Downtown Eastside, things like drugs and alcohol don't phase me as dangerous because I believe in people and their goodness of themselves people who have forgotten the traditions and cultures of humanity.

I was also asked how I felt about Abroginal First Nations on the Downtown Eastside, how I might have an understanding about them. I certainly do... I don't judge people by their addictions and emotional issues, everyone has a right and reason to say anything or be anyone they want to be. My main goal is to let people know that it's possible to rise from the darkness into true greatness..
I have always had my own struggle as my readers would know and sense my inability to stop self-mutilating, and stop drinking. These my struggles that I feel I could live with forever without proper help.. For those who may have had a history of cutting it's definetly something hard to let go of, and unfortunately I will forever live with scars on my arms from my own history. The true strength within me is to not be ashamed of these scars, and not allow them to control my life and define who I am... This was a struggle in my life that I have recently overcome with greatness... I can be the change I want to see in the world...

I have so much to give to the Downtown Eastside I am very excited about this job opportunity and only hope for goodness from it. I know that there will be some struggles a lot of them, and I probably won't be liked by some but by others I could be a great friend, great worker.

Im really hoping with this job that I will the opportunity to work with people Downtown because it's something I hope to one day do in the Future. I'm not certain right now what that future is but I know if I am going to be living in British Columbia than I definetly want to be working Downtown helping people and supporting them, and reaching out for them, and hopefully one day helping them get the help and treatment they need if they ever desire it so much...

Unfortunately with all things there comes a price... Due to some unfortunate events last week and some misunderstanding of my roommates, we have had to change our arrangements of our housing situation, and that means that I am now starting a new job and looking for a new place to live... So hoping that it will be something good for me and won't drown me back into the lifestyle I have fought so hard to stay away from... I need to move forward with my life no matter the circumstances and I need to believe in myself and my ability to continuously walk away from the things that are going to drown me back into a lifestyle I no longer want to see...

Well it's time to go... I have a lot left to do for the day... Im really glad I was able to write because sometimes I feel like it's the only way I hear my thoughts and know that what I'm saying is for real...

Another 24 hours

Monday, March 28, 2011

be true to your dreams

One full week out of work... what shall I do? Find a new job lol I have been working for almost six months as a construction labourer/who also can do traffic control... I'm getting paid just enough to make it by... This isn't the life I want to live. I want to be full of abundance in knowing that I can do so much more.. School is still on my mind and it feels like it's just around the corner so thats what I'm making my way too... I'm struggling financially and I'm also going on a spur of the moment and getting a tattoo done on Friday... talk about no money I'm going crazy to just go and get a tattoo.. Im still in a very dedicated relationship and we are also heading out this weekend for a good time away from the big bad city... Im needing a break from everything in the city, from daily routine.. So this my chance and I'm taking it!! talk to you soon! <3 much love <3 <3

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

hardly the beginning

So it's been more than a few months that I haven't been on here.... I apologize... I have had a job now for a while and so I have been beyond lazy to go to a computer and even when I see one now... I think man thats too much work to deal with so I avoid it all together...

However... I feel that my support system has collapsed, and my relationship is ok, and work is taking it's toll on me. I'm needing to write and I'm needing to vent without judgment and needing to be straight up

I'm doing good without a doubt I'm working and I'm moving forward and making a good thing happen at work... I mean there have been times and moments where I thought I would lose my job, or that I wasnt working good enough pace... However I believe that I am a valuable asset at work and because I have my certifications I am really great worker..
Everything else has come into my mind that I have consumed myself in my relationship and trying beyond all things to be there and spend time, and love and be patient etc... That I completely and utterly forgot about the aspects of my life...

My life isn't defined by relationship, and it's not who I am to be neglectful to my friends and family... Just recently my partner got the weekends off so that would be our time together... so for all other areas I need to start concentrating on the things that make my life whole, that make me feel whole and those things are time with friends, time with family, making appointments so I could get rid of my dizzy spells, and start to taking care of myself..

My routine has always been work home food and sleep... and its worked except that I hadn't made time for my friends, I hadn't made time to be there for my family... The whole concept of my choice to move back to Vancouver was to there for my family.. and without even knowing it completely for the first time ever... I seen my older sister someone I have been so used to watching her mess up her life in drugs and hooking on the streets...and now she is cleaning up her life, she isn't downtown, and she is trying so hard to get off the drugs... do you know how great that is for me to see? I didn't believe her at first but than when I seen her for the first time on Sunday, I was totally... in awe of how great she is looking and how much work she is doing on herself, she is taking care of herself, and she is totally trying to get drugs out of her life... and I need to be supportive of that in her life because she is and always has been a huge part in my life and now she is getting clean and I'm not there...
I have been so consumed in all my fears of my family that I have made the decision to be distant but before my eyes I'm seeing the greatness developing in them all in their own ways they are all coming to their own...and I have been gone..and this needs to change...I need to find the time to see them, to be there for them...

My friends....well my friend. I only have one friend that I can rely on and trust her with my life... well every time we have hung out it was always with my partner...and I don't mind that but I haven't had time with her and last night...In my weakest moment she came through for me and I'm here and I'm enjoying the time I have with her and I'm able to see the greatness I didn't let myself see before...
There are things that are going to have to start changing in my life so that I'm open and available to others and I'm making time for myself and the people I love...

I have come into question about my relationship... I haven't ever seen it before but I guess I'm starting to see it now... There are some things that need to change... I have always made it about myself, and I haven't even asked how are you baby? or how was your day? nothing I have been so consumed in being self-centered that very quickly I can lose my relationship because I haven't been that supportive, or that patient, or even been all there... So there are so many things that I need to work on...

I'm slowly learning these flaws in my life and trying to find ways to cope with them, or hope that I could be a better person, find the ways of being a better person, and continue...

Im in love with my partner there is no doubt about it because if I wasn't well I wouldn't be going back tonight to try and deal with these things that came up...
I'm not sure what I need to do to make things back, but I have to find a way through this and be determined no matter what happens I'm going to be there, and I'm going to keep my sweet love alive and just find the ways to be better...

Im so exhausted already I can only hope that I can continue to write because as I write this now so many things come to mind and i see that I have a lot to work on...

Thanks for listening

If anyone does read this that lives thousands of miles away... I want you to know how much I miss you, and adore you! I have thought so many times about my dear friend in Germany, so many thoughts and much love to all of my friends in Ontario... I cannot believe how abruptly I left but I don't have any regrets except that I didn't get to say goodbye.
Until my next entry
much love!