I dont wanna cry.. I have no reason to feel what I feel. But I've been thinking back to the year ago when I met my partner. It's funny I can remember where I met her. I was with a manager going to a hardware store an she had been walking a dog. An that was our first glimpse.
Then when things happened an she got asked to work with me. It seemed to be ok. We got a long an had some fun just talking. But the thing for me was that I was trying to get involved with someone else. I had spent months trying to get with this person. An my partner said it would be a mistake if I did. An definitely she was right lol. I never pursued it further. An when we got together or started our friendship.. she as far as I knew was going thro a break up. An was going thro so much. An I didn't know the whole story.
But just the presence or company of her. Was good enough to enjoy going to work.
An one day... which we call "Nacho Day" my friend an I invited my partner to lunch with us. It was random wasn't meant to be much of anything and to be honest I just wanted to get to know her.
What I hadn't realized. Was My partner seemed to know even before nacho day that she wanted to get with me. And I was completely oblivious to the thought or words being spoken or whatever. At no time did I think this was my future or My girl. When I found out her age. I was like nope. That has to be a no for me. An my friend and I told her. We'd be here for her as she went thro her struggle. An i thought we'd just be friends. An if she was going to get with anyone why not be my friend who is a little younger than me. So for the next few months I tried to get them to hook up. An even through this. My partner was getting to know me. An connect with me. An trust me.
An I didn't see the signs. I didn't clue into our love or affection until my friend told me.
Only when my friend that I was trying to set up. Straight out said my partner was trying to get with me and/or was only interested in me.
I had no idea. Until that conversation.
An then things changed..
It wasn't that it hadn't crossed my mind but that I didn't think I was good enough? I didn't think I was her type? Idk.
But when my friend said that. Things changed. I started to see. I started to see my partner in a different light. An she started asking for help An trusting me in different ways.
An then it turned into. Hanging with her at her home because she didn't want to be alone. An to have her tell me that my presence alone was enough for her.
It lit up my world. That just being in the same room same couch was enough to make her feel better. It felt good.
An altho we slowly starred our relationship. We didn't actually make it official anytime quickly. We still just hung out an did different things. An the feeling were amazing. An I found myself filled with joy An happiness. An my friend was like are you guys An item. An I was like no. We had done much to make that official.
So then 122121 I finally jumped in an asked. I asked her to be mine for the foreseeable future.
What I didn't realize. Is that u absolutely love her. In a depth of love that has no comparison.
There are pieces of a love I knew before.
I dont want to get into details. But what' she doesn't know is that the spontaneously hanging out or walking the streets or sitting under the stars. Those moments make me think of a love I had before. Except the difference is this love feels real. I love her an she loves me.
I think that as much as I'm trying to be in this love. I'm also terrified...
My past is insane... I've never been in a healthy relationship. An here I am. Allegedly in a relationship
It's not always easy.. it is difficult when she shuts me out but I overthink too much
I cant ask any more of her because the thing is that she is coming from so much turmoil.
People say we shouldn't even be together because of h3r stuff but I can't walk away I can't give up on her over this bs... I know what it feels like to be lost an not have anyone to turn too or rely on.
How it feels that everyone else had walked away but I had stayed. I had stormed thro the chaos.
I dont know what the right decision would be.
But yesterday or day before she had said she'd make me her Power of attorney. But the reality is I'm not actually fully aware what her choices or decisions are
I've been open and honest about what I feel how I feel an the emotions of all that. But for her. I do have an idea what might be.
But how would her family feel.
The other thing.. . I'm losing my train of thought... I'm just in a weird head space.
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