Thursday, February 11, 2010


The best part of some days is that school has started again and I could not be more proud of being a student..
I had a rough day today and than I jumped on a bus and came to school.. and just the moment I walked onto campus I felt myself being able to breath..and I was able to look at our store finally!! Now I have to make up some money to be able to buy all these things from my school..

The last few days have nearly felt a blur with everything going on.. I have had an emotional baggage going on for a while here and there... I've been broken, felt bruised and in much need of a distraction from my life..

In a few days.. some people will acknowledge me in a way I haven't felt needed in a long time.. the last party I loved and celebrated was at NLGH, being able to be acknowledged in that place it seriously warmed my heart and I just loved it beyond words and miss that kind of love!
I'm not sure whats happening this time around and can only hope that I am able to wake up right and to get in the mindset that it's okay to acknowledge me even in my own faults, brokenness.. I have felt so unworthy lately.. so broken lately it just hasn't felt worth life you know?
I've stretched myself so much, worked so hard. and tried and tried.. and I haven't failed but after a while of all I've done I finally fell apart.. a much needed time of falling apart just to be able to release all that was going on for me.

I'm finally able to breath.. after all the chaos of things this past week.. to really know you know? that everything I'm fighting for is okay and it's coming together at whatever pace that it needs too..
I have created relationships with people that seems to go deeper than I could ever feel.. and honestly you know what that means for me? it's means scary unknown zone.. and there is a lot of fear with that but there's also a love in these relationships that conquers all the fear and a desire to change and move forward with my life!

I look forward to school.. look forward to see what happens in the following week..

Regardless I feel like I'm carrying on.. successfully..not fully there but I'm still here.. and I'm still trying.. to me that's all that matters.

Monday, February 8, 2010

survive w/support

While today is a significant day of fighting! I mean to go against all odds of not having all these things and still trying to keep my head held high of getting through this just as I have survived all these things in the past.
I didn't realize how difficult things could get as I've looked at this month.. the cost of moving into my own place, and the costs since than have been overwhelming and I can say that so far I'm glad to have my mom's support because I've got there at least three times a week to pick up can goods etc just to continue to survive.
I have reached out to all supports, all resources to find ways of how to clarify my ability to get to and from school on top of also coming around for appointments and everything.

I feel better about the fighting today and feel like it's a battle that will be won.

However.. I'm also looking at my life looking at my expanses and realizing more and more how crazy I am becoming with my expanses and although it sounds logical to just get a job and stay motivated that way. I also am very lost because really.....As I continue to say I'm going to get a job the more people are telling me that because of some events going on it will be difficult.. It makes me wish I could've just said yes to a job offer but could not jeopordize my school for this.

Emotionally.. I've kept myself very busy and unaware of the realities of things going on here.. and trying to stay above it all. and I realize that I do try make serious conversations less serious because of an uncomfortable pain that I would have to deal with if I were being serious or whatever. however I have also found that when the time came for it I can be a pretty awesome support for those who need my support for whatever reason... so I think I just choose my battles of emotions differently.

Well.. now I have nothing else I can or need to say..

I know that I'm just fighting and fighting to keep on keepin on.. that I'm making all the necessary arrangements to battle the big things and try to just be awesome regardless of the circumstances.