can't breathe

I spent the last morning. Spending time contemplating... life. Death

Years ago this was easy...I didn't have the responsibility of a kid.

You know when all those years of having a love in my life like no other

A love so beautiful . You could face anything... because of that love.. I'd love to say it's romantic love lol but it wasn't.. the first time in my life I experienced a love so beautiful. How much my life would be better just to hear from them..

But I guess we've moved on

I so want to be able to find a love similar to this but I don't feel like I have. An with what is going on maybe its too much to be with me. 

I'm needy.. because I'm fuc*ing terrified. This has been the scariest news in my life. 

Collapsing.. breathing tubee. Comas. Whatever else

And I don't have a proper plan in place..  to ensure that if or when I die. These are my wishes. These are my hopes.

I'm struggling. Tbh I want a dnr. If ever there is a chance I'll come back as less then myself. I'd rather die. But I need a plan for my kid. I need to trust someone with him. 

I'm hoping to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But I don't know whatto do. Lol

In sense what should I trust... that I'm legit for real that I want DNR. I also don't want to be buried. An I dont want a funeral or memorial lol

As lame as is... my ashes scattered in Ontario. The place where i found a different kind of other love that I never followed because of the history of all that. 

I dont wanna say it... I'm questioning EVERYTHING that is happening..  who is here. Who is not. What are my expectations.. an do I really think it will continue to work even tho I am where I am. I want to give up... I want to walk away. I want to hide...i want to come back when this bs is over.