what would it look lik3

I cant remember why someone asked me this question... what would my future look like or my life look like if she wasn't in it. 

Would it be different or about the same. Would I be suffering or happier. Idk

What angle am I expected to look at this from. 

I dont want to think about what my life would look like without my partner. I'm terrified at the idea. Especially because everything I've been doing I've done in hopes of securing our future. 

I want a future that is Beautiful. I want to be able to see her as her heart an soul in light an darkness an to also call her home. She is my safe place. 

I know that even the idea of seeing her. Being next to her my heart pumps all the time. Kissing her. An holding her hand. More than life is worth giving me.

I've spent so much of my life under a rock. Consistently expecting bad things to happen. Always waiting for what I feel I deserve. Which is lame. Because I deserve to be happy. To be in love. To move on with my life. 

However....

There's a dark past of who I was. Where I've come from. An the things said or done to me. An upbringing that is not as severe as others but severe enough that scars remain on my soul from what kinds and types of abuse I endured. 

Spending most of my life feeling like I'd never amount to anything. I never deserved a good life. An it seems to have been reflected in most of my relationships because.... all of them ended in pain an it was always to do with being cheated on. Or hearing them say I wasn't good enough. 

So for the first 6 months of this relationship...I spent it testing the waters... 2x we broke up because of different reasons...

And each time we got back together. An have been together ever since. However... the thing has been that so much has been going on for her. She needed to put us on simmer. An for me that was difficult an painful. Because I felt all those past feelings. An now thst she may be back. I'm not sure if it's real or if I'm being played. Or if I should move forward with our future plans. 

I want to save money. Buy the ring an ask her. Or have her ask me ahahha. 

For odd reason that sounds so weird to be asked. What I wanna ask.

But the thing is we need to be stable. We need to have plans. We need to move forward. An we can't do that when her life is doing whatever 

An she isn't telling me.

I have thought about it... the thing is her mental health is her fear. An I dont understand thst in any way. Because I barely have had to deal with it as closely as I used too. Before it was a little more spontaneous an unstable. But the last while even when she's been struggling...she hasn't ended up in hospital 

To me that means she's doing better. An maybe she should consider what I want. But I can't say that because if we jump all in. What will happen.. idk.

But I cant ask her the question until we test the waters of living together. An she can't live with me till she is stable. I considered moving. So that we can have a fresh spot an she can have her own space inside the place we live so that when she goes thro these episodes. She can still be with me an we can learn how to go thro it. Idk.

I think in love we can make it thro anything but she doesn't put enough faith in my understanding of her. An my patience with her. She needs to give me a chance. To let me make it thro this all with her..

I dont know...

I had thought when she wanted to see me... that she'd want to talk. Or walk. Or anything of value but instead we just drove an didn't talk. An only now I have all these questions without answers. 

Idk.