Tuesday, June 20, 2017


I'm still addicted to the idea of super heroes, yes Joker is in that mix.. because as much as we all hope to be like superman or batman, realistically we or I am all crazy inside anyway. haha
I'm having a hard time right now.. and it's hard to explain.. except to say that I bailed on my sister and friend today, because I am exhausted... not just from working..but from helping others, and wanting to be there for people... when realizing and knowing full heartedly that I'm an introvert! I value and thrive and recharge by moments of being alone, and spending time by myself, enjoying watching my favourite movies "suicide squad" and "batman vs superman" haha this is what recharges the whatever that it is that makes me or allows me to enjoy the world again..
I almost lost it today! to the point that I wanted to turn off my phone and just screw it all together but I couldn't.. cause of course I'm addicted to my phone but also knowing no one really messages me. I basically got mad at everyone who messaged me! and my first thought was ice cream! haha I wanted to go. but things didn't work out, and because it was a nice day! i knew I had to come home and hide away.
the world is changed so much! and even my family dynamics have changed, I've been there at home a bit more, and its hard! I love my family, and with my sisters pregnancy i do want to be there for her you know. but it's hard.. and at the same time.. she's got rarely anyone.. only because no one wanted her to have the baby... we all wanted her to stop! but she didn't  and she thought her idiot boyfriend would be there. and i told her.. i knew and seen what would happen just like every young couple they broke up, he's in a new relationship and threatening to take the baby that hasn't even been born. almost to say all my sisters hard work into working on herself, and cleaning herself up, and trying to get housing, and not using drugs blah blah blah! and yet she's having a hard time keeping it together, so I've been trying! trying so hard to help her but its hard.. I don't know anything about children, pregnancy or anything actually! because I've never and will never go through this experience.
anyway I'm trying.. and it's hard because I feel like i'm getting sick! I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.. and I need a break.. unfortunately the only break I have is in August, so I'm going to have to find a way to make it till then.. I'm hoping that means things like skydiving.. or even getting a tattoo!
I'm conflicted with my tattoo ideas! i have three tattoo ideas, and one of them I'd have to pay someone to create it which is awesome, but what shall it be... I know it's a good idea to add some tradition into my tattoo, but in something that would honour my dad.. honour my uncle, honour the men in my life.. that have died.. but have left an imprint on my life! I don't know what that looks like yet.. but I can tell you Father's day was hard for me!
no matter what I do and how much I pretend that Shi* doesn't hurt.. it still does... my uncle's birthday was june 13 I mean would have been... and he's gone.. and that was hard for me.. and then father's day was terrible. I mean it was good in the sense that I had dinner with my brothers and my best friends, and that was good.. but it's not reality of all the garbage of people celebrating that day! and then when I hear people complain about their parents I just want to shake them! scream at them! do you know what it's like to lose a parent, to have to celebrate these shitty years without them! to have to remember their birthdays, or the day they died or fathers day! imagine how that feels!
should be grateful! I will tell you right now! I'm absolutely grateful to have my mother! the strongest woman I've ever known! no matter how hard her life got, she never turned her life into chaos, she didn't stay in addiction, she decided made the decision to love her kids, and she decided to turn from drugs and alcohol and now...I believe 22 years later clean and sober.. and raised 6 kids on her own. and she is still working and volunteering in the very community that she once was a part of in the sense of once she lived down there, once she drank in that bar, once she staggered through those streets and yet here she is! she is a the executive director of a AFD, she still volunteers at places, and is well known within the community! if it were up to me she should get a reward
although she doesn't like material things! believe me.. I've gotten her almost everything in the book, she likes appreciation in the little things.. just to make her smile there's nothing like that in the world, or on christmas when I bought her the ring with all her children birth stones. she absolutely loved it and wanted that! she likes to tell people about that..
anyway i love my mom! and a lot of people say I'm like my mother in the sense that i'm working in the same community, and I don't drink, and I try and be a good example.. I fail and fall short sometimes but I'm human... I do the best I can when I can..
Regardless I guess.. according to my old counsellor.. we all are our own heroes, we all have it within ourselves to make it through hardships and make it through these difficult days.. I'm having a hard time remembering that because it's been an unbelievable time lately there's no way to express what I'm going through, or what I'm feeling.. I wish I could have it easier just for a short time you know? let something good happen.. let wonder woman save my life! lol let her make my day for a day! or a month or a week. haha
IDK... what should I do... where should I go! let me marry that woman in Germany and let me be happy! lol at least in my dreams tonight, or someone get me a ticket, and tell her to marry me! haha like Johnny Cash asked June Carter! "Marry me, you're my best friend" haha


Sunday, June 4, 2017

Searching for a Hero

I recently heard that a country or town or city... named Wonder Woman the ambassador in an effort to raise awareness.
As crazy as it sounds I think it might inspire people to want to rise up  might want to make women, girls look up to something, be inspired by something.. not a person who definitely would let us down. I mean people are flawed... all people are.. but a fictional character that was created in what seemed a time of chaos who can say no to that? not that we all have to become warriors, or that we have to pretend to be invincible, but that we could maybe fight for those who are defenceless, to have experiences we normally wouldn't have.. because we're always told not allowed, or it's not accepted.. etc.. but Wonder Woman was a woman who had a pure and beautiful heart, and she came out in a time where the world was at war, and she in fictional place defeated all else, and rose up, and inspired others.
What's wrong with that as a inspiration? it's not like people think Superman is real, but we all admire and love his love for people, and his strength and speed, his heat vision, and his experiences. obviously no one in the world is Superman, but we all want to be like him! and even remembering if God is real he wanted us all in his image. Think about Superman? think about Wonder Woman? God "Like" creations, obviously there's a reason for them. and maybe we'll never be those types of heroes but we will definitely save someone one day, when it is our time...
Just like that woman for the life of me.. I can't remember her name.. while I was standing on the ledge, ready to jump.. I was ready to end my entire life and for whatever reason she walked into it.. yes she's only a negotiator but she saved my life... she helped me think outside the box, helped me see this wasn't the end and that I could choose something else.. and for whatever reason I listened, likely cause I was scared of dying, but she helped me... and I'll forever be grateful to her for what she did. and even as we were leaving the ledge, she asked me "why did you listen to me" what made me change my mind.. and I admit it.. she did..  she really brought me back from the clutches of a dark time.
and that goes with my lady too... she helped me through a difficult time.. and I still honestly believe that time has ended with her.. .because she is living a beautiful life where ever she is.. and I'll always remember her, I've got the tattoos to prove that. but i know and believe moving on is what's best for both of us
as for heroes.. i think the point of it all is we all have a hero inside of us, and maybe even just to save ourselves... to decide to put the blade down? to decide to make the call and ask for help, or to even decide not to eat that junk food, or have another drink... it's all the littler things, these attention to detail, and without even noticing it... realizing people were watching the entire time, and are inspired by the little things... not big gestures, just us being us..
I think... if I'm going to survive this time in my life... I'm going to have to find the hero within myself, because no one else can save me. a part of me wants to give up..
Thinking of the two face... one side was he himself, and the other was destruction and insanity... I feel like that's what i'll be... for now... a part of me wants to live, but theres this other piece of me that just wants to watch it all burn, let my life go up in smoke.. all my possessions, and all my life over and gone.
I'm struggling with this.. and I'm hiding it really well, and filling the void with anything and everything... I guess I'm just confused... what is my purpose... and when will I find someone else to love! get these crazy thoughts gone... when can someone love me..
when can I change? and change the world? Is it even possible.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

sentimental shit

I am thinking about a lot of things today... Mainly about my lady, the one woman who has stood by me for I think 8 yrs.. she has moved to Ontario.. And I'm thinking about all those years of my life.. Why or how did I find someone so amazing?
we met one another in our darkest days... she was struggling with a lot of different things, and I was struggling with a lot more different things... and I feel like we were the oddest  friends but our one passion kept us together, we wanted to change the world..
I literally drained her beyond all things... all my texts, calls, hospital visits, cutting, suicidal shit. I was a nightmare for anyone, and honestly a lot of people bounced out of my life, because I was crazy, and if people knew why it all came together I think it would have changed a lot of things, but there's too much to be ashamed about that I couldn't imagine showing that part of my life.
I think the world says... not to be the hero complex, we can't save everyone... and no matter what I did to my lady, she would still be there by my side, and she never left me.. I haven't met anyone like her, and I can't believe how heavy it's on my heart.. I wish I could tell her what's up.. but I don't know.. out of fear? out of pride? out of not wanting her to know what's going on for me... I'm avoiding her, not that I can actually avoid her, but that I stopped messaging her, I stopped trying to get whatever..
instead I'm clinging to my own self... hoping that this mindset, hoping that this feeling is temporary an that I can survive it all.. I've been through it so many times before, I know it's possible I just have to try.
I don't wish for anything to be different I think it is whatever it is.. and I think that all my purpose, all my dreams, all my shit is up to me... it's not dependant on anyone making or coming forward. it's on my own will to survive... and sadly we all have that will to survive whatever comes up.. for whatever reason we're afraid of the unknown.. I'd say that's my biggest hindrance is not knowing what will happen when it comes to an end.. but believing so strongly it will be better than what I'm living like now.
I think I want help... I want help getting a clearer mind, getting help for whatever addictions that I'm enduring.. I just want to somehow survive... but at the same time... I honestly believe this is a constant state of being... a constant place, a cycle of beast like behaviour that I'm not sure can be escaped.. what if it's like this forever a constant need or desire to just "watch the world crash and burn" watch my life go up in flames? Maybe I'm the only one who sees these things and I just don't see a reason to keep moving forward that every time I move forward I always come back to this place.
I miss her. I miss me.. I miss us.. I miss my happiness... I miss what it felt like to actually have a purpose, have a goal! I miss wanting to change the world!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

she has me thinking

So I've been contemplating this life or future or whatever... I hate when I hear that my potential is being wasted but it's absolutely true... apparently I'm a smart cookie... an I should get back into trying to go to school... but I don't know if I can do that... I mean I guess I'll try but I think I can guarantee it's slim to none chance, even if I get into school I would have to find funding..
I still think its easier to make the harder decision and just let everything go.. I don't know why i keep saying that my only explanation is that the "beast" has risen and its scratching at the surface and it's hard to supress how I feel and the feeling of lost... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know if I should be making changes in my life.. or if I should quit my job and go far away lol not that there is anywhere to go..
I honestly thought about writing my lady... but I've already tried and failed, crashed and burned... so I'm trying to be content with letting go of that whole thing, and to try and prevent her from finding anything out about me. I mean I'll always and forever love her! beyond all things and I'll always want to be there for her... but I think that she is living her life in whatever way she is and it's just time to let that be the situation? I was telling someone that she's given enough! she was there for me in ways no one ever was or is. she will always be a part of the beautiful story of my life, but I also think if she can go and live her life without worrying about me or talking to me why not?I think and maybe being selfish but think it's time to let that story end.. and new one begin or maybe not tell her..
I guess I just don't want her to worry.. I want her to believe everything is fine, and that I'm perfectly happy and content.

It's not like I'm cutting... I mean I've been able to be pretty distracted most of the time, and honestly its just I'm on the fence.. I really think that I've lived a long full life and that it's time to let go.. or just take me away.. I may not have been able to accomplish the 3 things.. but I know some people will do that for me..
I had a hard time hearing that I have this leadership skill, or this wise beyond my years, or something like my reason for existing hasn't revealed itself yet. I honestly just hope that I'm only here for someone else to survive.. like those movies where people give up their lives, give up their hearts, or give up something for someone to make it.. a piece to the puzzle, and to be able to die in that honor.

I'm acting crazy.. I know.. I'm tired..

Tonight I wanted to come home early enough to actually go to sleep! and I was driving and thought man I should pick up some water and some snacks, and cereal! I decided to go to grocery store, and as I was leaving.. this woman that i've seen in the similar circles, and through cultural events.. I seen her as i was leaving, and of course you'd think we'd just say "hi how are you" and have a good night. but her night just got heated up... her keychain broke as she was getting out of her vehicle and she had locked her keys in the vehicle, on top of which she didn't have a spare key, and she locked her phone in the car.. as she was just grabbing a couple items.
so of course.... "superman saviour mode" or a "respect my elders" to try and help. I offered to drive her here and there, I gave her my phone to use, and I did my best. and then I thought maybe someone at my moms house knew how to break into cars! and of course no they didn't but their men they have to try!
so I picked them up... and within 15 to 20 mins... YAY my brother broke into his first vehicle! lol I think i spent and hour with her trying to figure out what to do... I told her to get a spare key... I have one and it's at home.
Anyway. it all worked out... but I thought about it... I'm not exactly sure how i know this woman, aside from being around at friendship centre, or at cultural events, but we don't actually know each other. and when I told her who my mom was she seemed surprised.. but when she found out who my uncle was, she knew who I was? IDK..
so my yeah I'll go home and be in bed on time! didn't work out and my brothers and I helped this woman break into her car! and thankfully she was on her way. I gave her a new key chain that i was using to lock my Naloxone to my bag. but I never used it, so figure this is the perfect opportunity for it to be put to good use. DONE deal
but right there... that was purpose... that was reason for existence.. and that's what I think I need. is there a light is there a future for me.. can I just be given some direction or idea of what it is that i'm meant to do because as much as I love my job I know there is more that I can be doing, and I just want to move forward...or not move at all...
what if this is it? what if there is nothing else other than this because in that sense... I don't want to keep going... I hate my life and the way things are, and how I'm always struggling and can't even afford to survive as a single person. it's driving me crazy! poor people on welfare have it easier than me! YUCK!
Im losing my mind... and I'm losing my sense of belonging? my sense of purpose?