Tuesday, May 18, 2010

live it

The choices and decisions I make now will effect my life forever... so each day I always try consider the right things, but have to give myself grace that I am definitely beyond anything I'm human... My standards for myself are pretty extreme and I get pretty crazy.
Thankfully someone today finally said something that really helped me through the difficulty of yesterday... Forget what other people think of what I should do with my life... If I deny the future I've been fighting for than I will imply that I deny my heart's desire, and if that happens while than living my life for whatever other reason for whatever other way is a lie... Cause I'm not being true to myself...
So now I decided that this is the life I want to live... No matter what happens I will get there until than I will fight to get there... I have to be reminded that everything I chose now is going to effect that future of mine...

I can't believe it though you know? How much someone else's words and influences can effect my lifestyle, my choices, my decisions, and my future... I can't believe that.. and I wonder how many other people in the world are effected by the limitations of others... That bothers me and last night I asked my sister what she would do if someone said she couldn't do something.. You know what she said? she'd do whatever it took to prove them wrong!!! Did I mention how old my sister is? she's 13yrs old... and yes I had the thought in my mind but I had to allow myself to consider the person that said them, and the place I'm at in my life right here and now... so that's how it effected me.

I finally got the perspective I needed and I've got myself reaching out to the people I need to so that I can create the life I want to live yet again. The obstacles I am currently facing are the major facts that people will always tell me that I can't do it... Not just as a First Nation's person, but just a person in the world who has the kind of history of lifestyle choices as I do... I can't allow these things to corrupt me and my heart, my place in life... I've got to fight beyond this and hope for a better future...

I talk and speak and walk in the things I say mean and do... lol I am not up for this game of trying to reconsider my career choice... I know that regardless yes I will find a backup plan with all the qualifications I will have!! I am certain I will find the right place in my life of what I want to do...
For right now until the future comes to whatever it is.. I will continue to go in the direction I am going into..

Today was pretty good...Finally... even though some of the small things.. today was good because I was able to let go of some of these limitations of the lifestyle I am choosing to live, and also was able to consider that all that matters is the life I choose to live.. if I decide this future is what I want to do than this is what I want to do... and it's only natural for me to face people who can't seem to acknowledge the fact I will get there and I will do better than anyone ever could have!

I'm at the moment trying to consider my papers, presentations for school... I know that I want to choose someone that I haven't thought of because I have written about so many great people in Vancouver, so many great people in my community... I am hoping to choose someone who was a leader to me, and someone who inspired me to become who I am now... without actually having to say it but acknowledge their qualities of leadership and enlighten them.. I mean I dont think I would have ever thought myself ever being someone who is a leader...it's a natural thing in my system... Its just who I am and what I do... the choices and decisions I choose to live by and become a good mentor, role model for youth, for anyone really... I just want it to be someone who I considered to help me through some stuff and helped me see the qualities of leadership or being a mentor.

See how it goes... I also am supposed to be reading the required material for the course.. something I'm trying my best to avoid.. because I think I like the idea of writing about people more than I do about the book... I wanted or had the idea of choosing more than one person a community of people I've encountered in my life... who are leaders in their community, and are people I have been inspired by... I don't know.. I don't think that will work but I can only hope for good results.. I have my contemplating of many people in my life that I consider to be leaders and so just have to find out how much I want to do this with great desire...
I'm sad to report that the person I had hoped to write about.. while she ended up not disappointing me but just not living up to the qualifications I had considered to be a leader, role model, or mentor... so will see how it goes and hope for the best...

I guess I better go... I have waited all this time so that I can go and enjoy the beating of our traditional drums... I stayed in Vancouver just to be close to the powerful music of my heritage.. I am beyond happy to be a first nation's person! If only I could find someone who is a great mentor, leader or something that I could write about!


Monday, May 17, 2010

create it

"Do just once what others say you can't do and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." ~ Arthur C. Clarke

This is where I'm at this moment...This image of creating the change, creating the life that I want and desire to live by. No matter what I do I'm feeling stopped by those who say they are a support to me, being stopped enough by my own thoughts and limitations I have for my own self that now their stuff is effecting me too... It's not as though they are saying I can't do it...But the fact that the consideration is there, and my assumption and interpretation is there too.

I have to do what I have to do and until I get there I'm not going to stop... Yes I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to face many obstacles, many road blocks, set backs, and painful shit that I can't handle... but if I stay alive, if I keep living I'm not going to stop... I'm not going to consider other things, and I'm not going to lose my mind I'm going to fight...Fight for my own spirit, and one day fight for my community, and one day my nation... We shall remain! No matter how much pressure is on me I'm going to fight for the future, fight for these things and yes at moments I'm going to fall..Yes I did fall... Yes I did fuck it up for a moment...but I am still here.. and in still being here I'm thinking of ways of how to make preventative steps to not be who I was, and stay where I was... It will take time, it will take healing and I'll fight no matter what!

I can't even tell you clearly how much I was effected today... I think this is the fault of my own.. I put an expectation on someone that...just wasn't there... cause really when you think of it I already cared, it was already and has already been engraved in me... when you get me talking about what I'm passionate about than you see and feel how I care... but when I let myself be blocked into my own thinking, being secluded and just set apart from others...while you better believe I'm going to lose my mind, you better believe I'm going to question my own existence you better believe that when moments happen in my life that people are not with me.. I will struggle...

Speak of the good... speak it out! that's what I need to do... the good is this person.. this person who was in my life a while ago... not sure when... but she helped me through a crisis and after she was gone that was it.... I didn't hear from her, think of her, or anything... Until I decided... that I needed someone in my life that had some experience in something I thought I might want to do, because it is my desire to be the change I want to see in the world..of course yes. but I also desire to be someone who can help others because I've experienced it, felt it, acknowledged it's grip on my soul, these are things I can understand...so I figured who better to ask than someone who helped me through those moments in my life?
The experience... was difficult... in the sense that her impact on my life is a lot more than I could even allow myself to acknowledge which scares me... Yet even than her story today was extraordinary and it seems like this is it for me for now.. yes it might change but for right here and now this is it!

I'm going to be writing a paper this week about what I learned from her, and what I've learned this year, and also the healing process of my own self, as well as an aboriginal leader in my community... This will be a huge paper for me and it will be a well needed writing of the accomplishments I've achieved, and the life I live, and choose to walk into this path of the future.

Got to find my way through this... I also heard in hearing from this woman... I've made a concrete decision about the choices and decisions I will make in the future...and her impact on my life is crazy and scary, and yet... for right now it's perfectly what I need even in not wanting to have her!


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

creative falling

I survived.

What a surprise... While I guess not really when I'm surrounded by some of the people in my life that believe in me and believe in the abilities I have to get through every road block, circumstance in my life.
Are you ready for it? I fell again... This time it was just about as harsh as way back in October two years ago I think... I went out with some of my so called friends and by the time I realized it we were all about to take some drugs... I almost got to that point... It came into my mind again...

This is my form of the ultimate punishment... darker than cutting, and wanting to die, this would be the ultimate price to pay for something so stupid... I'd never turn back to this life I'm living now.

I made that decision... I walked away and could not go back because I know this is not the person I want to be for the rest of my life... I was hurt, I was angry but I was unstable... I wasn't giving myself a chance to move forward with my life... You know something I learned a few years ago.. Is fear... Fear of the unknown...Fear of succeeding more so because I've failed for so long that when I think I might make it, might accomplish something while than I get scared and do everything I can to be sure I'm not the changed person.
Thinking of it now... There is a great movie that was played... a man spent his entire life in jail serving a life sentence but he was just a kid when he went in, when he came out... he couldn't keep up with the way the world changed...he ended up taking his own life..

So when we think of change... not being able to ease into change... while I can't ease into the fact that really underneath all the lies of the life I live now...I'm a freaking awesome person...
yes I have shortcomings, I make poor decisions, and I live everyday trying to appreciate everything that happens... This is my life...and I'm learning very quickly how human I am... I had always imagined I'd be great...I'd be like a robot not faltering in my life... Was I ever wrong and each entry I have written once how great things are, and once how horrible and how much I hate everything, and how much I don't want to survive...yes yes I've done it all..

I thought about it... I know without a doubt that this life I used to live will always be a part of me. Just as much as an ex-drug user will always struggle with temptations... I will always struggle with my history of the choices and decisions that I struggled with..I will always have those things but just like those people I could say no and decide that my life is to be lived fully...

This past weekend... I thought I wouldn't survive and I came close a couple of times to falling apart and choosing something horrible... but even in those choices... there were people in this world who were with me, and there are things and circumstances in this world that will remind me of what the heck I'm doing with my life... I've never been meant, created and molded into drug use... I must fully understand my cravings for things for destruction really...
I'm learning quickly that I'm scared...scared to move forward...scared to let go...and scared to move on when I know this is how I'm creating my legacy, my life, and my future. I'm scared that I will fail...and yes believe me I will at some point fail and fall short... while I have to allow this and allow my emotions to play out the way they do when I fail and move forward.... It's a big blow to me when I know or feel I might fail or fall short of an accomplishment...

I have high expectations for my life, my choices and decisions... I have not given myself grace because I know if I do I might as well just be a loser who doesn't do anything. It is because of my standards I am who I am...But it's also because of my standards I have the people in my life and I have expectations of them as well, standards to what kind of people they are to me.
How to let these things go...how to accept for who they are...or let go.. these are forms and things I'm working on... It will be a lot more difficult for me to let go of someone who is living, and breathing here in the city. I can only hope...it works out the way it needs too...

While I survived the weekend.... I survived it because I chose it... I chose it... I didn't want too believe me... I wasn't fully where I should be... but I did what I could with what I had... and can only hope for future results of honoring that day as much as I live everyday... One day I have to go all out and prepare myself for that... I just I'm scared too... I imagined that day for a whole year and as it came closer I had ideas of what I was going to do... But I had desires to live love and breath everyday....To honor my life and the reasons for this life why I chose to get off that ledge, why I chose to live each horrific event... While... I survived that weekend... I didn't do all I wanted...but I was there as best as I could be..and one day in the future I will do better and honor the way my heart is telling me too...

Until than... I am here...not fully here...From reading my previous post I'm struggling a war has begun within myself.. and I'm fighting with what I've got but feeling like it's not working, and trying to live...trying my best to find that hope, that wish, that desire that's deep within me that wants me to make it... Will take some time and only hope for the best.

While...I think that's it!

There are new people coming into my life.... not really new...she is someone who was in my life for a very very short season... While she will hold a new place in my life if she allows me to learn from her, she might become a new mentor... I couldn't believe that either... I have people who are wanting to set me up with new supports, new people etc... instead I keep saying no because i said I was already wounded by the last support and I'm not willing for new ones...while than this woman comes along and yet it's like she had already been there and just came back... so I don't know... what does this mean? I will have to work through these moments because I have to recognize people are human and I need more supports the right kind, and the ones that don't leave me six months later


Thursday, May 6, 2010

the flaw of my determination

I feel like I'm not really here you know? I have been isolated, secluded and just totally fucked up. I'm angry, I hate myself and what I've done and who I've become. I regret so much that this one regret is the only thing that could and would utterly destroy me and every minute of my horrible life I think and wonder would today be the day that I could just be gone.
I began this year with no desire to survive it...
I have nothing to offer anyone... I'm a broken mess and every minute of my life my chest is hurting and I wish I could say it's because i quit smoking but ultimately it's because my heart is sinking, I'm feeling all those bricks all those painful things that made me the beast it's all coming back and I don't care anymore!

People ask me to care. ask me to love..ask me to survive but I don't want to anymore... I'm working towards all this opportunity and yet I'm failing...

You can't ask me to feel anything for a feeling that never existed in my life. You can't ask me to feel this shit for something that never happened... I won't do it... I live in denial, I live in hatred of my own self. I have created a monster buried it and now it's back.
There's no saving me...

Last night I walked through skidrow and my only thought was...who would know what I was doing? it's the last place people would look for me... I talk about being so against drugs but I have a hidden addiction that no one is able to see... I thought I was going downtown to see what I could do about my situation... I ran into family. Ran into all those I care for and all's I wanted to do was grab a smoke, a toke, or a fuckin drink. I don't care...Yet I hesitated because in the end no matter what happens... I will have to live with that... But reality is your asking me to fight for a future that will never exist for me.

The chances of me making it into that line of work... I'll never be fully healed in my head to accomplish this goal.. I have too much... and I really don't care anymore.
Even now... all this shit I have been doing for this stuff for this moving forward shit. It's like no matter what I do it's always holding me back, there's always something holding me back. and its taking every damn part of me to hold on... to hope for a moment to breath to have someone say I believe in you enough to guarantee these things you do now...it's worthwhile.

No one can guarantee anything to me because everything I do. Everything I choose. everyone in my life... all this stuff... The sacrifice. the pain. the heartache... I hate it.. what the hell is the point.I'm told the one thing you need to succeed is to not lose heart. how in the world am I to move forward when I feel it deep within me that I'm losing my heart because I'm sacrificing so much shit with no outlet. no goodness...Only pain... and every day I am close to crying, lying, running away because I can't handle this anymore...

I don't think I'm going to make it... yes I'm thinking negative thoughts but no one knows truly where I'm at... I'm fighting my demons of knowing full well this isn't worth it... my life is not worth it. everything in this last year was not worth it... I am destined to fail, and destined to break your heart. This is who I am, and who I'll always be. I give up.

You have no idea what's its like. To feel this alone. this scared. and to have to sacrifice my value and belief in my family. to sacrifice my own soul. to know and see that I guaranteed to be here for my family just to turn my back on them because I'm drowning in their sorrows and problems. I'd rather fight for them to live and breath, I'd rather die trying to make them make it.
It hurts... It hurts so much to be here...to be alive... It hurts to know the things I've ultimately sacrificed and see that there is no goodness... there is no freedom. there is no outlet. I have nothing, and I am nothing. I gave up everything.... There is nothing left within me to continue on with my life, my future. I lie. I hurt and lie and hope to be believed in when reality is I never intended to make it in the first place.
I've known all along that this would never work. this is not for me this is not who I am. this is not where i belong. Last night on Skidrow I became one of them.... I became one of them and I have no regrets because I know my father be looking down on me saying I knew you'd be just like me. I didn't make piss ass choices but allowing myself to stay there... to breath in the life that this is who I'm to become, this is who I'm meant to be... there is no one who would care at all.

I'd rather let myself die a slow painful death...than continue to see my dreams and goals get further and further away from me... I'd rather give them up... There are so many people who have given up those things without anything.. so how am I different? Just because I had a desire to help, to serve and to be here in my community...because of all these things...people believe that I'm capable of something....

You remember... a long time ago... I tried to jump off a ledge? I still go there... I can't help but go there... but there is one flaw in it... i can't bring myself to walking to the wall anymore.. I can get to the top but I can't go to the edge... I can't imagine who I was in that time... and I know no matter what I won't go that way.. I already said why I wouldn't do it that way because I'm scared... I'm scared of that kind of stuff...

What does it mean to survive? to be alive... to move forward to the future? I been told throughout this year.... how many people believe in me, how much they are there for me, and how much I'm going to make it. while for the first time at a first glance I see how much I been let down, and yet I tried so hard to let it be water off a ducks back... reality is it's not... it's not like that to me. it proves to me the old truth that's been buried within me... people are only in my life for a short season and I can choose to take their words and carry on... or I can stop... stop trying to meet people because in the end they be gone anyhow and how much did they help? another way I been let down... so you can't tell me to not let others down... I'm just going with the flow the cycle of life...
I'm really lost right now... I keep walking the streets...praying, hoping, wishing on a star that I'll find something...something that captivates me to keep going.... I need this soon because I'm close to the edge... I'm too close to destruction I can already feel it within me... others sense it within me... I'm starting... it's started and if I don't find something I'm afraid the person I am now the person I was a week ago, she will die within me...and I'll come back as the beast. I'll return my destruction and I'll forget everything...I'll let myself become the things that I hated because I gave up... I gave up because I've had no outlet. no support. and no reason to keep moving forward. if i give up my family, give up the belief I have in them, give up on the opportunity to graduate because I have no funding..then explain to me what the fuck this whole year has been for me? I am done... and I hate everything I've done just to once again Fail... Yep I hear it and know it and feel I have failed at accomplishing the goals I've set out to do.

The beast within me wins.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

not as bad

The truth shall set you free!!

The final season of this moment of my life! I told the truth... I finally gave up on all the words all the pain, all that was holding me back from the greatness of my relationship!! You know what's funny??? I don't think it was as bad... I mean you know when you imagine telling someone something that isn't true, but the idea that there was a moment a glimpse of confusion??? While you picture that moment being the literal end of the world??
It was not that at all... I explained it... explained my truth to it... and even in going through this small burst of argument I was able to still be here even if I didn't feel like it was the best thing to happen... And yet it is...
There is nothing greater.... SERIOUSLY nothing greater to a relationship/friendship that we could be this honest, this conserve... It's so strange, so great....so weird.
You know what I realized today? The reason I can't allow myself to imagine that this might be okay, that I could allow myself to imagine that this would be okay... I can't do that my mindset cannot be there...because I'm not ready to open that compartment of my life... that is still a piece of me that I hold and am scared to let happen even though everyone else knows its there, its open. I cant allow myself to see that because it will prove the show that I am changing..I have changed and I'm moving forward..and that I've capability opened my heart to someone and been loved and loved....

OTHER than the drama of the greatest relationship of my ENTIRE damn life!

The best part of my day was that I went to a Information Session for my career choice!! It was almost like bells were ringing, like my heart, and me and everything fell into place that this is the right decision! that I have to make this commitment to be there... to be able to see the standard at which I need to be at, that I need to raise the bar and be able to have three key components such Pride, Honor, Respect... Of Course needing Integrity.
These components are the lifestyle the moral, the value, the belief I need to have to succeed! I need to push my body to it's limits to create the bar raising.. I need to continue with my lifestyle of morals and values...and one damn day! I will be a negotiator for a very highly valued city.

I'm moving forward FINALLY!

NO ONE ELSE IS IN MY HEAD! I know where I'm at! I know that everyday every piece of me, the beast of me wants to destruct me... wants this truth to be a lie... wants to see my fail... These are places, parts that will always need healing... As long as I keep my eye on the goal I will not fail, and I will become a great role model and mentor to so many people! For this it is my honor and duty, and desire to
"Be the change you want to see in the world" Ghandi~

It's dinner time!! my lady!! sit sorting her food... It's one of the greatest moments ever because I know she will and has stood by me...and for that I am grateful... When and if she ever reads this! I want her to know very clearly how amazing she is... how strong she is!! She is her own pillar of strength... I'm honored to be in her life and cherish her every second I spend with her! I love you tons! glad to be with you to honor today with you! Thanks for dinner