losing focus

I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel as though I've spent my last year beyond fragile. 

I poured out my heart. An thought my love was trusting me. But it doesn't seem to be that way now. 

I can't talk to anyone because the response remains the same. This isn't a normal relationship. This isn't how relationships are meant to be. However because I am who I am. I felt like I could withstand anything. I could withstand the silence. That I could matter enough.

But it doesn't seem to be the case. 

No matter how much I try to make my presence be here the outcome remains the same. 

For the first time in my life. 

I am faced with a relationship that once was beautiful. Felt like it was meant to be forever. To now I'm the furthest thing from it an possibly don't even exist. 

My partner. Is in a place... like that fucked up movie. Sinister. It's like she's here but her spirit is not. She is unreachable. I can't connect with her. An she may try reach out but not really. No matter what I say or do she is not here. 

I dont know if I matter to her. I'm supposed to have faith in her an us but I feel like I'm an idiot. She doesn't have faith or maybe she does but doesn't express it. 

I matter maybe. 

There's no room for doubt and that's all I feel. Her silence breaks my heart. An if I matter than why is she not here with me. 

She said so much crap an proved to be like everyone. Or is she still here.

An I say it in the sense that she is struggling an I know. But from what. I also know. The problem is how she is coping with that. I believe she is gone back to terrible measures such as drugs. An that is one thing that I have never dealt with in a relationship. An I work around addictions an yet never felt it this close to my heart till now. 

I feel broken. I feel shattered. I feel as though I'm not sure where to go or how to go from here. 

I'm ready to give up. An this is exactly where she likes me being. 

I feel like a fool. I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel like giving up not just on her but everything. 

I've spent a year of my life trying. Trying to maintain our happiness. Anyet she couldn't care at all. Or maybe she does. Maybe she is allegedly fighting to get back to me. I don't know. 

I know my way of coping with this is bad. An the more I open this door. The more I'm going to fall apart and possibly do something.

Is it possible to love someone through this. To love them beyond these things. I can't live without her. An I can't imagine a future without her. An I dont know what to do. Besides do something stupid.