Friday, February 27, 2009

suffocating in this turmoil

It's been nearly three weeks since my whole life has seemed to shatter to million pieces. I recently was thinking yet again of the show I had watched years ago about trying to take care of ourselves holding our life in a glass, but we were not meant too because when we do it the glass shatters, then we are stuck with shattered glass in hand well it continues to eat away at our flesh...

wounded life..wounded heart... shattered dreams it seems to try and play in my mind.

I got my stitches out this last monday. not a pretty site it's actually really messed up and I can't believe what I've done. I feel like Im losing my mind, wishing that this was all a bad dream and that Im going to wake up and it'll all be a dream...a terrible nightmare...

I had gone to this place to try and seek some help but it was a place for things that I do not need. and I honestly wanted to break down and cry because I was scared that I would constantly be stuck in this place of wherever it is that I am... I dont know if it's guilt that drives me, shame or is this hurt..this freakin loss of the friends, the respect. the love. what have I done. Every time I lay down to sleep Im stuck in this place of hoping that my long sleeve shirt won't roll up becaues my baby will see my arms. and I haven't even figured out how to sit with them adn tell them what's happened. Im scared that like my'll come out later in life, while under the influence or even just they might react in something that should be the reaction to me.

i've thought more about moving to saskatchewan...thinking that maybe if I do this acting thing it might work out for me..but Im going to wait a bit longer because if I get the opportunity to become a police officer that's truly what I want to do. and so if I can even inspite of everything if there's a chance that could still happen then Im going to do that. but if not then my other option is theatre acting.
Actually at the moment we are wokring on a play...based on this one event of my life. it's me slitting my wrists. Im not sure how crazy that is an how much it'll hurt me to do this but I know that I need to do it. this to me would be the first step of letting go of the shame of my life... shame of letting people truly know that Im a cutter, and that I attempted to end my life.

The people that were involved in that evening are the people coming together to put together this play. and we have some extra people coming into it too..however the names of people will have changed because it'll save me the embarrassment or them the embarrassment of what was happening in my life. we will see how it goes... I just hope that it'll work out and that whatever emotions come out for me in this play, that I'll find the way to productively get rid of them without doing something foolish.

Now.... I want to say this maybe I have...but I realized now that there is something deeper in me fighting to live... after this incident I've not cut...Im honestly at times afraid to look at a razor because it's what I used and it's an everyday use... so moments everyday I get lost and think of what happened, or what I might think of doing. but Im trying my best to get past it...

However there is one more thing.. I met a lady...a special lady meaning she's a wonderful person and a good friend... well last night I had realized...that my fear is that I dont want what happened to happen again, and it's hard for me to get close to women now because those rumors were a root of what made me cut myself, what made me want to die... It really was foolish but I was embarrassed and now with this lady... Im thinking of taking some steps back.. it must be a terrible idea because it's awesome to have her in my life, someone to laugh with and talk too.. but Im also thinking of the situation thats already happened..
It's almost like...any new person that comes into my a target for rumors to be spread that Im dating them. its real sad. and I know I shouldn't let them affect me, but it does becaues it hurts you know? rumors spread that I like a woman, or rumors that are spread about the questions of my friendships with women.

Then if you hear me talk of the man in my life...the guy that I love, and have loved for at least three much I cherish and adore him...and miss him like crazy..people are dumbfounded like what's going on...and it's frustrating because I wish that I could talk about him more because he makes me glow. he makes me remember the great days of my life.

there's a book Im reading..its a little intense. but one time of his life he calls it "the great saddness" for the time this man was in my life..the moments of great love and great everything I would call that time in my life "the great love" lol

Anyhow i guess that's all for now... I just wanted to check in with my bloggers and just express myself because it helps me find perspective and helps me see what I need to do.


Friday, February 20, 2009


It's been two weeks. I might get my stitches out today Im not sure have to see how it goes.

I keep trying to relive the moments in my life where I have made those mistakes..those regrets. Im scared to remember but I know it's the only place I feel I can start getting some answers. Im constantly emotional...and ashamed...filled with guilt. I realized something tonight as i was talking about it some perspective came to me...THis is the time in my life where I'm kept at a safe distance because apparently I dont know what I want, therefore don't know what kind of friends I want in my life. I feel like it's a mistake and I feel like Im losing my mind well alone with my thoughts. but at the same time maybe I'll forgive myself for what I've done.

I feel like if I sat in a room constantly not only would I be safe but I might just go crazy you know? everyday Im hoping yearning wanting someone to call just to say hi...but realizing now the reason for lack of that is because Ive put myself in this guilt and so if I were to be happy at some point I'd regret it because Im not someone the deserves that happiness..becaues of the people I've hurt...the people...the people...that I've let down. the people that I've shattered and I dont even know where to go from here.

As April approaches...Im becoming afraid of applying for school because Im scared that I wont get in...I mean seriously I feel like Im really messed up adn feel like I should be locked up somewhere becaues I feel like Im not really seeing anything...everyday the world passes by. Im scared to go to the sea wall, scared to see the beauty that was created because if I enjoy it well then this guilt in me, this me will shoot me down for looking because I should be where I am, but I know thats wrong. but I dont want to reach out to any of my friends. Im not ready to show my face. Im not ready to show anything....

Im losing my mind though...The agnozing pain from my heart is aching bleeding...but my arm is hurtin more then ever and Im not sure why. I had speculation that there was infection but it looks okay but Im not a doctor but I'll find out soon enough....

I can't right anymore...but I feel like this is all I'll be now because of what I've done. and those friends those amazing influences..are taking a safe distance because I've really shattered a lot of lives...shattered my own confidence, my pride. Im filled with shame and guilt and I need to get help and it's starting...slow slow start but Im doing everything I can to figure it out.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

right steps

It's been I think twelve days since my whole life was thrown to the ground..since I was so stupid and making some really really poor decisions... I finished writing one of my stories finally it took me about a month to do...Im not sure how I like it but I kinda going to see how it goes for now becaues I might change it...

Another week and I get my stitches removed.. however even then there's some thoughts going on in my mind...and I thought I'd take the time to write about it.... You know..I know a woman. an amazing woman she's in Ontario. I was in the program with her.and she is someone that I really considered my friend. this last trip I went to Ontario and spent some time with her and I could not even describe to you how great it was to see her. she's on my mind because she's had some struggles in her life. she's got the scars to prove it..I was wondering how long it took for her to feel comfortable with herself to be able to display wear a t-shirt, or something. caues you know since this incident for me I've been wearing long sleeves...
Im not even sure where to begin to share this situation with my younger brothers and sisters. I mean my older brother and my mom and cousin know..but the other three are all under 15yrs old and I dont even know where to begin to try and explain to them what I had done.

I can only hope for some answers...because I am constantly in my own mind trying to figure out how this all did I do this? what was it that triggered me? why in the world was I thinking of ending my life? was it the rumors? because that's something so small...was it the embarrassment? I dont even know and I'll never know you know...that doesn'tmake any sense and I know this but I dont know how to find out what it was that caused me to do that...or what I was thinking or doing..or when it happened..why..there's someone in my life who's going to be looking for some answers and I dont have the answers....

I realize now..what I didn't want to's true when we put people through these traumatic events we start to see what friends they are...I dont blame them for leaving..if I was in thier shoes I'd leave too..because we all have to be around encouraging people and yes I was encouraging but I fell from that...and I need more help then anyone can offer. I mean really... however at the same time..I met someone....a amazing shining star...someone that i cherished because...I've been through a lot of horrible things like many others, but to see this woman conquer these things the way she has, to have been there to encourage her, help her. it was a huge thing for me...and now that its hurts... I realized this woman in my life had engraved her name on my heart because she is truly a courageous woman, a woman of great love and encouragement..someone I really would've loved having in my life..but then I made a deciison that changed all that...because I became whatever it was..and now I have scars. I have wounds....but I will never forget that season in my life because it took a lot of courage for her to even bare with me through that troublesome time...and now that it's gone...its scary...but I hope to see great things happen in her life..

now ....

as for me...well Im not sure where to begin with everything.. now that TSF is over, and my birthday is over...I have to start looking at myself...looking at any feelings I had, or even just try and I mean with every inch of me try and figure out what happened that night and what changes I need to make..I mean I've made some changes..but emotional wise there is definetly a lot to work on..

Ive been feeling the effects from that night everyday of my life...I have the stitches in my arm and still feel the pain of that night....Im not sure I can truly recover from a night like had shattered me and those that I love...and I regret it more then anything else. but who knows I mean many many people are telling me that maybe one day someone will come to me with the same issue and I could help them... becaues one day I'll be day I'll be more confident more real and more emoitonal..I'll be the person I was created to be..and I'll fulfill all that I have been called to do.

Either way...this is going to be an off case the woman from that night would ever read this..
I want you to know that the impact you had on my life was tremendous. the joy and life you brought into mine..was extraordinary. Ive never met someone that has been as strong as you.. that has survived through the things you survived through for that time in your life. I know there's no apologies here but you have no idea how ashamed I am for what's happened. I want you to know that you were the best friend I could ever have. I had seen a lot of opportunity for the future for you. I know that lots of shit will get in the way but that you are someone that will persevere because I see now as I seen from the beginning you are a survivor.
As for me Im sorry that I shattered your heart...that I brought you into that night. I find it difficult for me to look at myself... and know what I've done...I can only hope that as I've said that somehow someway I'll learn from this and one day help someone with this kind of mess.
I hope for all the best for you. and your wonderful life. I hope that you meet people who are encouraging and inspiring. people to just be a solid friend... You have a lot to offer this world...and I see that! I believe in you! Your victorious!! Lots of love...bye


Thursday, February 12, 2009

thankful for what you've got

I can't remember where I was with the last time I wrote. This time around there is a lot more to say with every situation thats happened in my life..its embarrassing and painful to talk about but this is where I talk about it most because it helps me see things clearly.

Almost a week ago.....Well actually lets start with December. When I had done that workshop I had met a woman. an amazing woman that I have come to admire and love having in my life. now since December I've helped her through many obstacles in her life. I have been the shoulder to cry on, the friend to laugh with. I have been an amazing she has been to me....
Now on numerous times we have had some very upsetting comments from her friends/ my friends everyone had thought we were together as a couple...

At first it didn't really bother me I didn't give two cents about what other people had said about my relationship with this woman. however then one night she had asked me to help her paint her place, and I invited along a friend...well this friend ended up drinking and said something at the end of the night that totally embarrassed me and made me feel low in life. I tried to brush it off but it didn't work out. not even two days later someone else had said something similiar about the relationship I had with this woman. it had really bothered me....I ended up drinking that same night and trying to fight off what was being said about my relationship with this woman. I didn't realize how much I had had to drink. and honestly I haven't been drinking I haven't been drinking regularly. I just decided it was not going to be a part of my new year. but then this night had happened. well I ended up blacking out with the amount of alcohol I had in my system and when I came out of my black out I was in a ambulance with my wrists slit. I know that Ihad done it and it was my fault. but the reasons for doing it, or when I did it was all unknown.

So for this past week...I have been recovering from that night. I had told my friend the lady that's in my life..the whole thing I was apparently talking to her on the phone. anyhow it had bothered me with this entire situation. and I ended up really messing things up for myself. I didn't realize the results of what I had done. but my relationship with everyone in my life has been damaged.
I have been lectured. hated. and I have been cared for by some amazing people. anyhow

It bothers me that I had done that...that in some form in my mind that I would be so selfish and stupid. I have been in a dark place most of this week with everything that's going on and I've cut myself off from friends because I could not stand to know the pain I had caused all those that love me. Im not sure what the reason for my cutting was. I guess I had in my subconscious had been hurt by all these horrible people making these comments about my relationship with this woman.

Its hard to live with this now because I had wounded myself horribly and I have damaged my relationships with many people...these are friends that have stuck around through all of this but I have been too ashamed to be around people. To be try and laugh when really my whole body wants to break down and cry because it hurts so bad that I have scarred myself so bad. The only family members that know about this is my brother, my mother, and my cousin. I have not told anyone. my close friends. my boss.. How do i explain such a sad time in my life?

It scares me to be around people now....because its hard enough for me to be reminded of the things I had done..let alone be around people who love me.....I think Im at a place in my life where I cannot recieve their love...Im ashamed of the things I've done and the pain I've caused others...alot of people are worried about me.....

I've been working everyday this week working tonight...and when I get's like all the shit goes out the doorr....all the emotiions all the pain....everything...its a job regardless..I mean you dont go to work with this emotional turmoil..this baggage. this trash...leave it at the instead of winning about it I just do my what I have to what Im asked to and I leave..

but then..

When Im alone Im trying to figure out what it was....I know the alcohol didn't help but I actually have not been drinking because I know it's not good for me..Im not sure why I went out that night. but I did.
I have to go to counselling and some other forms of help some programs for people like me. and I need to start dealing with why I am cutting. or why I feel that crying is so weak... I dont know but I know I need some more maybe this was my cry for help because I know this is what I need to do..and for a while I thought I had it all under control and then a night like this happens and I realize everything is certainly falling all apart and I could not be more upset about the choices I had made.

Im scared of talking to my friends. Im scared of recieving the love they have for me...Im in a place where Im pushing everyone away becaues Im scared...>I scared myself more then I ever could have in my entire life.I've never done something like this I scared myself.. and I just dont even know anymore...

Im scared. Im ashamed.

My birthday is coming up in like four days....and for the first time in years....the one thing is Im going to be thankful for my life....regardless of all the bulshit I've dealt with the fact is I survived this and I could not be happier about living because I could've been gone...
So for the first time Im thankful for my life


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I see the aggressiveness

I believe it was last night that I started to become angry.... I couldn't really put my finger on what it was that was causing me to become angry. Then today as I search through different things I realize what it was...

It's something that makes me cringe, makes me feel helpless, hopeless, makes me feel like Im in a box. makes me feel like the biggest messed up person to have walked this earth. I realize what it is. it's a situation that I had gotten myself into almost a year ago. something that I should not have walked into...but yet something Im glad I did you know? I mean to be there to share my life with someone be great and share myself with someone else and have it be a positive thing is totally well worth it... However... when the life that I lived back then well a year ago..and changing to what I am now... and then seeing my changes in my life...but seeing this person I tried to help still continuing on with that life...

It's like my heart is being ripped outta me every single time i am forced to see the wounds. the guts. the pain in the eyes of someone I once loved. I had recently sat with a friend of mine reading over a note that I had written this person...and the great detail. the great love that I had talked was so crazy. I was so clouded and so stupid. and yet so that place. and now I look at it and think what the world was I could I be so aarrrrrrrrggggghh!

It's painful for me...and recently in a counselling session some eye brows were raised when speaking about certain things and the great frustration that came outta me when asked about things I did not want to discuss..or anything... I was angry. i was frustrated. and I was at the end of my rope with people who do those things to me.

I mean it's not to say that i regret...the relationship. I do in the sense that I realize that I was to be the friend and nothing more then that. and it ended up further then that and we had our great times but I realize now that it was a dumb situation to get myself into and regret that part of it.

thats why Im angry. is because it's like...i dont know.

I want this person outta my life..gone...gone..totally just non existant in my life. but not only are we still in touch Im the one person they turn too in times of trouble....knowing...and I mean this real greatly KNOWING that I'll be there. But I can't imagine myself not being there you know? I mean it goes against who I am...

There have been many things I'd prefer not to have done and instead I did them. and then ended up loving it...or even then I just have never really been someone to say no to people who ask for help...however I've changed that slightly to the point that now I only help people who are looking for change you know?

Im helping out a friend who wants to change at the moment...Im helping her out of many things, and whether it's painting a room, or just talking...the idea is that she is looking for change and tasting the changes...and yearning for change...and I would be more then happy to help her as a friend to change her life...whatever way I can...even it means to just be happy and share my happiest moments with her, my encouraging moments with's what I do.

However with this situation I realize..with this EX that I realize that this person is not willing to change and the more and more I'm forced to see how it's going...and realize this is not the place I want to be...I hate that too becaues I really seen a lot of potentinal in them...but like lots of people say can't force things on people...and I definetly am not in that kind of business what so ever. so I guess the only thing I can do is send my love and thoughts but otherwise I have to let it all go...and that's whats bugging me!

I just need to figure out how to lose that part of my life you know? things I siad.. things I had done. the person I was...i have to let it all go...the person they made me feel I wanted to be...all those things I need to let them go... and hope that they can let me go too because it's just like they every so often dangle a carrot and instead of avoiding it Im tempted by it... not sure if that makes any sense...

But I found the root of this type of anger that I've been having the last few days and I really just wanted to write it all out because Im told it's healthy..

I dont feel better...but I am looking to the future and the steps I need to take to be safe for me, to be courageous for no one other then myself!

good night

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

words to say

Have you ever made some decisions in your life that were not wrong but not right??
I feel like it's bottling up inside of me. this little lie or this little wrong thing that I cannot even begin to speak the words of it you know?
It's like everyday I look in the mirror and lie to myself, convince myself this is what needed to be done this was the only thing I could think of...or something like that

Then each week I go into counselling and this chip, this block this whatever it is continues to build up inside of my wonderful counselor sits there trying to figure out what it could be..instead we continue on with the past things that come up but don't actually chat about the real thing. the real thing that's tormenting me. the real thing that could be the very reason im angry!

Just last week...we found out...actually everyone I knew knew that I was angry. however myself.. admit that Im angry..I was like no if Im angry...
I learned different types of anger and the way that I fail to express my anger and end up taking it out on myself...isn't that terrible?

Yet every week or so I sit around trying to figure out why did I cut? why did I drink? why am I so unstable. its becaues I honestly feel like I need to be locked up you know? not locked up but held back a little more then I am... I mean I feel like Im just throwing myself out there.. like feeding myself to the lions..when it comes to my weaknesses instead of realizing I can't do things Im throwing myself at things and just screwing things up in my life..

How do I walk into counselling and just say it? how do I just blurt it out.. that Im really messing up my head. and that Im really about to do something I'll do I walk into that place that way? how do I explain my thoughts...will she hear me? will I need to say it? counselling is supposed to be the one place I just lay it all down and just say there you go..but there's this one thing...this one piece of garbage..this one piece of something that seems to be killing me before I didn't realize it but now Im starting to realize the mistakes I've made and that I need to change my ways before I lose my mind completely.

Is that bad?

You know what I hate? okay I dont hate many things..I just really dislike the ideas that I feed myself that what im doing is alright..that this is what i need to do...and yet knowing that I should not be doing it you know? it could jeopordize so much and when you ask me why Im doing it there is no real answer.

Then its like what the heck is wrong with me seriously...

Other then my drama in my head...of losing my mind..and being angry..however it's an inner anger not directed at anyone but myself..

well other then that...the greatest times of my life are just around the corner and I just really can't wait to see what Margo has come up with this year..seriously she is the best..and I admire her and her work. I admire the things she says...Im just really really grateful to have met her, to have been able to be apart of "Talking Stick Festival" Im really excited for it... because it'll really just get me outta my head and focused on the task at hand...and maybe just maybe after this event this week long event..>I would've made my decision about the choices I've made or am making..

I mean to work with Talking Stick such an honor and Im totally looking forward to things that await me there...Im excited because I've met so many people and Im totally looking forward to the many people I will be meeting..and Im excited to see the person I become when Im working with them...because it's a huge change and Im totally looking forward to having fun... working alongside friends and meeting new amazing talented's the best time of my life and I can't wait!!

I guess that's it...I could go on and on about my excitement for the Talking Stick Festival. but Im really getting tired..and like always I often stay awake long hours because I of course have counselling tomorrow...

I should work on my Im writing a script....something I dont think I've ever done.. I've always written stories so this will be a nice change working on a script..i hope that it brings something with some great encouragement and impact on the people I'm writing it for!


Another 24 hours